Should I allow my parents to stay with us for the first week?

[MartiesMom2B]

I've been planning to have my parents come down for two weeks after the baby is born and then my mother in law would come down for a week and after everyone left that's when my husband would take off of work to be with me. One of my girlfriends just told me that I should have my parents stay in a hotel for the first 4 nights, so I can be alone with my husband and learn how to get used to the baby on my own. (My parents live in NY and I live in Raleigh, NC).

She said that I'll fight with my DH like we've never faught before and will need the privacy. I think I will need the help and support of my parents. They are very self sufficient and won't need me to cater to them or entertain them. In fact my dad is going to culinary school and will be buying all groceries and cooking all of my meals for me (like having a personal chef).

What do you think? Is it true that there is that much fighting afterwards?

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

[gour0]

I haven't delivered yet, so I don't know about the fighting, but it sounds like it would vary from couple to couple. If your folks are as good as you say, I'd have them stay. Personally, I don't have room here for anyone to stay so it isn't an issue. I don't actually have anyone who would be that helpful either. So, I'm planning on us going it solo at night. That said, I think you should go with your gut on this. Honestly, maybe having them there would lower the stress level and alleviate some of the fighting? Maybe you should leave it open...like try having them stay and if it gets too uncomfortable for you OR THEM, then have a backup?

[mama2be]

I was going to say the exact same thing...go with your "gut"...sounds like your gut thinks they would be an asset, and from the way you describe them I'd tend to agree with that...:)Having their "self sufficient help" might actually keep you and DH from fighting. I so hope we are not going to be fighting the first few days...:)

[blnony]

It is an individual thing, but I couldn't have made without my mom staying with us. DH even agrees. (although the two get along great anyway) It was nice to have someone at home that could help or even the extra set of hands when things need to be done, but you still need to rest. DH and I didn't fight at all. But I'm lucky I have a very understanding husband. Also, my mom was great at helping me learn how to do stuff, because real life was much different than the baby classes!:)
But again, I think it depends on all of the relationships involved too.

[Momof3Labs]

LOL - does your girlfriend have kids? The first four nights are in no way indicative of how the rest of the nights will go - they are usually the hardest! I'd say, from what you are saying, have your parents stay. If your baby decides that nighttime is a great time to be awake, then you have two extra people to walk with and hold the baby, and you and DH can get a little extra sleep - which makes for less fighting! (And maybe you won't be on the phone with the pediatrician at 2am on your first night home, like we were!)

My mom stayed with us off and on for the first week or two, and was a tremendous help. She's also self-sufficient, and did grocery shopping and cooking for us to help out.

Lori & Colin 9/28/02

[egoldber]

I you have a good relationship with your parents and think they would be supportive, I would definitely have them stay. My DH and I did not "fight" after bringing Sarah home at all. I find it really curious that she said that, and I have never heard this given as a reason to not have parents stay. Some people just prefer to spend that time alone as a couple, but I have never heard someone suggest not to have family come help because you and DH will fight! Yikes!

HTH,

[mamahill]

Agree with Beth, and others here. DH and I did NOT fight (who had the energy even if there had been a reason?!) and having my mom spend the first few nights with us was a blessing. She would change the diaper and hand me the baby to feed, then I'd hand back the baby and go to sleep and she would burp or rock her and make sure she went to sleep. Also, she cooked for me and if your dad is a chef, I say you hit the jackpot. Good cooking and eating is so important to help regain your energy. If you have a good relationship, I say let them stay. As so many others have said, the extra hands will help you sleep sleep sleep! (and I thought the whole "sleep while the baby's sleeping" was overrated... until the baby came!)

[CherylT]

I too am surprised that someone suggested that horrible fighting would commence upon bring baby home. I just remember being in utter awe of my child for those first few days (actually I'm still amazed!) and DH and I never fought during the first 4 days (of course we don't really fight that much anyway, but regardless). I didn't have any inhouse visitors personally because I wanted to be alone with my new family, but if you want and think you will need/appreciate your parents being there, by all means do it! Good luck to you!!!

Cheryl (aka CT)
SAHM to Lilli 9/20/00 & Alec 10/21/02

[newbelly2002]

My parents stayed in a nearby hotel because my mom is highly allergic to cats. I prefered it that way because while they were helpful, they were also a little helpless at times (when it came to laundry, cooking, cleaning). They were however a huge emotional support and were happy to play with Dante while I napped. Dad was also great at putting to together the baby "stuff" we had.

As to the fighting... I don't remember any of it in those first few weeks. There was neither energy nor time, and to be honest I just fell in love with DH all over again watching him with Dante. The fighting started once we started getting some sleep, long after everyone was gone (just kidding. . .sort of).

Go with your gut. Most people I know found having someone helpful there in the first few weeks a blessing not a burden.
Paula

[suribear]

As long as you get along with them and feel they would be helpful, by ALL means have them stay with you! Dh and I were too busy falling in love with our dd to fight :) The first week was really really hard for us, as I had a c/s after a long labor, and all sorts of nursing problems (I went on to nurse for two years, but not without a lot of work the first few weeks!). My mom did all the housework and cooking, and some infant care. In those days, I used to nurse, then pump, then supplement with a finger feeding. non stop process! Dh took half days the first week, and we did fine. It also helps that he is 100% involved as a parent :)

My mom stayed with us for two months, then I went to her place for three weeks! (if they stay for long stretches like that, you have to make sure they get a break - she really missed her friends and my dad, plus her routine) We tried but she is a bit passive aggressive so wouldn't tell us what she wanted.

Sure, she drove me nuts at times, but the extra help was worth it in the end! And there's no way we could have eaten healthy food without her around :)

I am expecting our second baby soon, and my mom will come for two months again, then I'll go back with her for six weeks. I told her she didn't have to stay that long, since she was bored last time, but she said our dd will keep her entertained. This time I'm thinking my mom will do the cooking and take care of dd (who is three) while I take care of the baby. DH has a huge deadline a few weeks after the due date (gggrrrrr) so it will be a huge help.

btw, I know this isn't an issue for you, but never have your MIL stay right after the baby is born (unless you get along REALLY well). At least you can talk back to your parents ;) and I sure did LOL

Good luck!
Kris

[spu]

The first few weeks at home can be a blur. It's definitely a time of awe, amazement, and major fatigue! Everyone will want to help you when you first come home - neighbors, people from work - we had lots of people bring us dinners, go food shopping, etc. Plus, if you have a c-section and are on pain meds, you may be a little groggy.

It's after the first few weeks pass that you may really want help. That might be a good time for MIL to visit.

I recommend having your parents wait til week 2 to allow you and your DH to adjust as a couple into a family - and to set thing up your way, and then have MIL visit after that. Once you're more into a routine, you'll be better prepared to know what kind of help you want. If you're planning on nursing, it might make DH feel more included if he was the one helping you not your mom. Though, I suppose it really depends on their personalities.

For fighting, we didn't. What's to fight about? You just had a miracle! again, it depends on how close your DH is with your parents and how he feels about having them stay in your house as soon as you arrive home with your little bundle.

Any help is always appreciated. My parents live close by, so they were able to drop off meals for us (and still do!) which was sooooo nice.

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else