How do you manage the tough days?

[Rachels]

I feel like I'm barely hanging in there today. Abigail wants to do nothing but nurse, can't sleep, is fussy...I'm exhausted and frustrated and not coping very well. I also look terrible, which strikes me as unfair, frankly. I'm in questionable emotional shape and seeing Grizelda every time I pass a mirror. What are your tricks for days like this, assuming spur-of -the-moment plane tickets to Aruba are out?

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[ctsiouts]

I know that this is probably NOT going to help you, but when I have days like that I do one of two things.... I go shopping, which entertains both me and my 6 month old (and nobody cares what I look like because they are all too busy admiring the baby) I carry her around the stores in a sling so that she is happy being near mommy and usually falls asleep. But I am a shopoholic so I just love to shop...
Or I take her outside for a stroll if it is nice enough, you don't even have to look decent for that. It might make you feel better to get outdoors....
Do you have any friends you could visit or that could come help you out for a little while?
Sorry, like I said, I'm sure I'm not much help but I DO know how you feel!

Christy

[mamahill]

It's amazing how much even just a half-hour outside will do for me. Ainsleigh loves being outside and will sit quietly looking everywhere. It gives me time to clear my head and get fresh air.

Also, I know this isn't always an option, but at least once a month Joel comes home a little early from work and stays with Ainsleigh while I go to dinner or dessert with a couple friends. I'm only gone 1 1/2 or 2 hours but it is rejuvinating to get out and away. I love Ainsleigh, and I know you adore Abby, but sometimes you just need to get away. Sometimes I just go to a book store and sit in the aisles looking at whatever books strike my fancy (often cooking!).

Lastly, I know what you mean about the looks. For my birthday, as well as Christmas, I told Joel I wanted things that made me feel like a girl again. And by that I mean female, not a feedbag. So have several bottles of wonderful-smelling lotion, some great hair-care products, and perfume. Some mornings it is an effort, but I try to put make-up on even if I'm not going anywhere. That way when I pass myself in the mirror, I don't cringe (although there are still days like that on occasion!).

Hope this helps, in some way. You're not alone. But from what I can tell, you have more patience in one pinky than I have in my whole body. You are doing a GREAT job -- hang in there (and vent all you want)!

[KathyO]

A hot bath with my hair gooped up with some kind of deep conditioner, and my face covered with one of those facials you can buy by the packet at the drug store. Do they make any difference? Who knows, but I FEEL sleeker and prettier getting out of the tub! You can, of course, also dump something into the bathwater to make it smell nice.

If babysitting can be had, an outing with the husband helps too - doesn't have to be anything fancy - even just a short trip to the ice cream parlour (you can have sorbets, right?)

When babysitting can't be had, and DH is nowhere on the scene for whatever reason... long walks with the stroller. Get the endorphins flowing, and fresh air and a bit of sun on your skin, and Abigail will (I hope!) like the motion, and you can convince yourself that the exercise is doing lovely things for your muscle tone, and/or your hips. (I pick whatever I'm feeling more insecure about that day...)

And, of course, contact friends for a pick-me-up!!

Best wishes,

KathyO

[egoldber]

I agree with the others, get out of the house!!!! Even if you feel like you are too icky to go out, GO! Go shopping, go to Starbucks, go to the grocery store, go to Zany Brainy, go take a walk in the park (if it's not too cold), go anywhere! Just a change of scenery will often change both our moods for the better. If you have a mommy friend you can call to join you, even better!

And these days too shall pass....

[Annette_C]

I'm sorry you're feeling down, Rachel.
I totally sympathize with you.
What works for me is Prozac these days but I agree with everyone else that going out, even for a short time, always does the trick.
You are a beautiful woman (I saw your pictures!); you're just tired and weak from lack of food (you poor thing not being able to eat much). I know that when I'm overtired, I feel fat, ugly, etc. and no amount of reassurance from DH or my kids will get me out of it.
If you can arrange for someone to watch Abigail for a couple of hours, go get a manicure/pedicure or a facial. That always makes me feel better and prettier!
I hope you get some rest and relaxation soon.
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[newbelly2002]

I also asked for "girlie" things for Christmas: money to have my hair highlighted, a frivolous jacket, bath stuff, a pedicure. I'm trying to space them out when I can to make it last longer. I did the highlights last Wednesday. They're nice, not exactly what I wanted but there is the whole language thing. I speak German, but the fine points (THAT-THAT is what I want!!--pointing furiously at another woman while my head is already covered in goop) still escape me. And while the style looks fantastic; the stylist spent 40 minutes blowdrying my hair. I have neither the time nor patience for that. Make-up might work, but DH hates it. Says he loves the "nature" look which right now to me means: dull, pale and untoned.

To make myself feel better I tried to go shopping yesterday. Since my current jeans (I only have 2 pairs of pants that fit me right now in my entire wardrobe.) are too big I picked up the comparable size down in a cute pair of curdorys. Not only could I not get them up past my thighs, but in a larger size the excess hung down a solid 8 inches past my feet. I'm not sure who is the model, but it sure isn't me. I left in my same old baggy, overworn jeans feeling twice as bad as I had before.

Not sure how this will cheer you up, Rachel, or make you feel better. But at least you know you are not alone. And do get outside, that usually makes a big difference when I can motivate to actually do it.

Talking to friends really helps too--I called a good friend in California tonight after last night's meltdown. And from here it's only 3.5 cents to call back to America--happy to oblige if you want.

Paula

[atlbaby]

Everyone's suggestions are great, particularly walks outside, or just car rides if it's too cold work too--just for a change of senery! And destinations that include Starbucks always are a plus! :)
Mostly on 'bad' days I find just talking to people--like you are doing!--helps immensely. Knowing that I am not the *only* mommy in the world going through this--a type of thinking that can be easy to fall into on bad days!--can be a real help. I hope reading here how others know just what you are talking about makes you feel a bit stronger.
And there is always the promise that tomorrow will be different!
-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01

[nohomama]

Like everyone else has said, a change of scenery usually does wonders. For us, that generally means a walk downtown or around the neighborhood, but lately Lola and I have been sick, and its been so !@#$% cold that going outside (even to get in the car) has been no fun AT ALL. We are definitely going stir crazy being housebound.

Sometimes if Lola and I are both having a bad day, I literally just tell her that although she's having a tough time, Mama needs a few minutes to herself and I leave the room for 5 minutes. Occassionally, when left to her own devices, she works things out and becomes totally engrossed in a toy or task. Other times, it does no good but at least gives me a chance to take a few deep breaths.

I am also a proponent of hot bathes, both for the escape and beauty factors. Washing the crud off often makes me feel like a new woman.

I'd also encourage you to try and cultivate either a relationship with a babysitter or establish a childcare coop with other parents you know. I know you're about at your wits end, but I've witnessed your ability to mobilize around a cause while half starved and sleep deprived. Considerer your sanity and wellbeing your new cause!!! Having some time for yourself, no matter how little, will allow you to be a better parent, not a lesser one.

[egoldber]

Amen. I recently arranged with a woman in my neighborhood to come in and watch Sarah one afternoon a week. I now get FOUR HOURS to myself a week. I cannot even describe the luxury of it. I really lucked into finding this person. She is in her early twenties, was a preschool teacher in another country, just moved to this country, is staying with a family in the neighborhood and is babysitting for people trying to earn some money.

She is wonderful with Sarah and Sarah adores her. And I adore her. :) I feel like a new woman when I return. I really, really recommend finding the time to be away for awhile. Especially when they start to move into the toddler phase and those battles of will start occuring. Sometimes you just need to get away for a couple hours and it changes your perspective entirely.

HTH,

[Rachels]

Thanks so much, you guys. It's amazing how things can go from just fine to barely survivable so quickly. I am doing okay. I called DH in tears yesterday and an hour later heard his key in the lock, good man. He took Abby and I crawled under the covers for two hours with a novel, then took a hot bath. That combined with your posts and emails really helped. THEN Abigail was up for four hour in the middle of the night, nursing and crying and nursing and crying. Fortunately she then slept for 4.5 more hours, but I am again feeling tired and kind of fragile. We're going to take your advice and get out of the house today. It's FREEZING here, but maybe a mall crawl would help. Beth, I'm so jealous of your upcoming Carribean vacation. Clay cut out a picture of Bora Bora and hung it in our bathrooom so I could look at it while soaking in the tub. :) It's not quite the same. I just want a little break, ONE night of sound sleep.

As for babysitters, that's starting to seem really important. But how? I want to have somebody come for something like an hour a day for 2 weeks so Abigail can get to know them, otherwise I would never feel comfortable leaving her. But which hour?! How is this accomplished when a baby's schedule is completely unpredictable?

Your encouragement (and compliments! wow!) are really moving. Thanks for your help.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[nohomama]

I think you're biggest hurdle will be YOUR comfort leaving Abby, rather than her comfort about being left. Every kid is different, but it's often surprising how well our babies do in our absence. Sometimes it's as though Lola is saying "Bye Mom. Don't let the door hit you on the ass!" Of course, finding someone you trust is important (and no simple task) but I'm talking beyond that.

A good place to start is getting recommendations from other parents you know. My experience cultivating these types of relationships is that it's easier having the person come over for several 2 or 3 hour visits (while you're there) rather than shorter more frequent visits. It all depends on the person and their schedule though. You may also have an easier time finding someone if you're flexible and willing to fit into their schedule rather than the other way around. If Abby sleeps during a part of those intitial get togethers, it affords you the opportunity to get to know the person. If she's awake, then you'll have the chance to see how the prospective sitter interacts with her.

The point I'm trying to get accross is, just do what you can and see where it gets you. Allowing yourself to become bogged down in the details often results in paralysis.

[megsmom]

You poor thing. We went through a rough patch a few weeks ago with Meg cutting a molar, coming down with a cold, having traveling sleep disruption and terrible separation anxiety, and me having to stand my ground while she pitched a number of tantrums. This combined with my husband working crazy hours preparing for a trip and it was a little nutso around here.

I've been lucky enough that Meg is a good napper/sleeper and that usually gives me about 2-3 hours each afternoon to pick up my bombshell of a house, shower, and think complete thoughts again. I also work part-time which I think does wonders for my sanity. The adults I work with aren't throwing toys all over the room, dropping food on the floor and generally stay where I put them. :)

Everybody had great suggestions so as usual there's not much for me to add. It really sounds like you need some space and time for yourself not to mention some sleep. Does Abby take a bottle? Can you let your hubby take a shift (this always sounds good in theory but doesn't always work when baby wants mommy)? Sometimes you do really have to put yourself first even if it's only for a couple of hours. Your child will not be damaged by it and you will be a better mother by being able to be more patient with your her. Maybe a neighbor, good friend or someone you know real well could play with Abby. Even if you don't leave, you could have a break to clean yourself up, pick up the house or just do the laundry without interruption.

It definitely sounds to me like Abagail is going through something now whether it be teething, separation anxiety, tummy upset, frustration about not being able to do something, etc. If she's not sleeping well, this is probably a large bit of it, too.

Definitely get out of the house. We go someplace every day I'm home with her, even little trips to the post office help break up the day. Start playing nice music in the house, it might calm her and you too.

I feel for you, hon. Lots of crying, no sleep, constant nursing and no time for yourself is rough, rough, rough. Feel no guilt if you turn on an hour of Baby Mozart videos for Abby while you snooze on the couch.

HTH,

Jen
mom to Meghan 7/13/01

[egoldber]

I agree. I had been intending to find a sitter for MONTHS but was paralyzed by the what-ifs. Then we stumbled on this person and after meeting her and feeling comfortable, I left Sarah with her. To be honest, even though Sarah has some pretty severe separation issues right now, she didn't even look back when I said bye and walked out the door. It was like "whatever, mom, see you later..." I find it makes a big difference that the person is watching her in our home, where she is comfortable.

Literally, when I say, "Bye sweetie, I'll see you in a few hours", Sarah just says "bye bye" and goes on playing. Babies are often more resilient than we give them credit for. It is the rare baby that can't get by just fine with a sitter for a few hours here and there.

I also find it nice that she comes once a week for 4 hours instead 2 or 3 times for a shorter time. I can really get a lot accomplished in that time AND I am really starting to miss her by the time the 4 hours are up. :)

HTH,

[atlbaby]

Has Sarah's 'separation issues' sort of waxed and waned for the past several months? I ask bc Arielle was a terror to leave--the room even!--over the summer, and then it seemed to subside until lately again she gets upset not *as* I am going out, but is out of sorts *while* I am out. Does that make sense? Or is what I'm experiencing nothing compared to what's to come? :) I can leave her w/ my mom and she's fine, but I've had a babysitter come about twice a month (though she's moving at the end of the month :( ) since August and the last couple of times Arielle has been a terror while I am gone. Oh well, since the babysitter is moving I suppose this won't be an issue any longer!
-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01

[egoldber]

Sarah never really had a separation anxiety phase around 9 months when a lot of babies have it. But starting at around 15 months, yikes!!!! I can be in the same room with her and get it! It is a bit better now than a few weeks ago, but it is still pretty fierce.

Sorry your sitter is moving. Mine is only going to be around for a few months, but I have decided to take advantage of the opportunity while I have it!

[KathyO]

And I think that (as long as you're not traumatizing the child by leaving) that these away-times are a valuable lesson for the child as well. I could sort of tell when Catherine had figured out that "Mommy leaves, but she always comes back." She was occasionally a little tense when I left, initially (not howling but not really happy about it), and then quickly got into that "Okay, bye Mom" kind of space, like Sarah.

Cheers,

KathyO

[atlbaby]

Yeah, over the summer at 8-10M Arielle was miserable in the house when I left the room etc, so I am NOT looking forward to a repeat of that! Now I just get a lot of 'up' if I'm in the room and she's clingy, and when I can't pick her up she can get pretty ticked off LOL

But last night was the sitter's last night, (DH and I went to dinner, a real treat! :) )and when we left Arielle was fine, but when we came back she told us that Arielle cried/was out of sorts a good part of the time, and--this is what broke my heart--she was looking at these picture albums she loves to look at, and was pointing at me and crying harder!! Oh my gosh, I was nearly in tears! She is fine to leave w/ my mom or my inlaws though, and really loves the sitter too! Oh well, I have no one anymore so the point in moot...Glad you enjoy your time though, enjoy it while she's around!!
-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01

[darebear]

It will get better!!!! My DS was that way. He was even like that with DH, if I left the room or if somebody went to pick him up he would scream. I tried getting a sitter 3 days a week, that lasted 2 weeks because he would scream the entire time and he has asthma so then he would have an attack. He is now 2 1/2 and getting better. I can now leave him with family, but only the ones he sees all the time and he doesn't even ask for me when I am gone now. Sometimes he even walks me to the door, says "bye, mom" and slams the door behind me. I found once he started talking things got ALOT better. Since he is with me all the time(DH travels alot) he new that understood every grunt and groan. But now that he can speak for himself he is much better. I may even try to send him to camp this summer.

Allison

[KathyO]

I should also add something that occurred to me this morning - check out any Mothers' Morning Outs, or drop-ins in your area. I admit, I had some preconceived notions of what a drop-in would be like, and who would be hanging out there. A friend persuaded me to try one that's down the road, and I was wrong. It's bright, cheerful, stocked with tons of clean, well-made toys, and frequented by a variety of moms, grandmas and a few caregivers (all with kids in tow), who JUST NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE TODAY!!!! The staff are trained Early Childhood Ed folks, and there's all the messy stuff that DD doesn't get to do at home because I don't have the setup - fingerpainting, paints, etc. I love it. DD loves the unfamiliar toys, and always naps well afterwards. See if there's anything comparable in your area.

Cheers,

KathyO

[blnony]

I had to go back and look for this thread. Today is one of those "mommy test" days, when it seems my DD can't sleep, keep any food down, fussy, doesn't want to play, doesn't want to be held, etc. and its rainy and cold outside to boot.
You know, it is amazing how trying being a SAHP (Stay at home parent, for the guys now) really is. I was explaining to DH that my job isn't really flexible, I am on a schedule 24/7 and there isn't room for much else. I wouldn't change it for the world, but darn it, sometimes it can be really frustrating! There really isn't a big point to this, just venting I guess.

[atlbaby]

Hang in there! Days like this are really the worst--and the miserable weather we've been having is *not* a help (coldest January in HOW long are they saying??)

When your DH be home can you take a little mommy-time? Days like the one you are having I sometimes just 'write it off' in my head and start planning for tomorrow! :)

Maybe we should all bookmark this thread...

Take care,

-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01