Need some support...

[Rachels]

I am so exhausted, you guys. Abigail hasn't slept well in the last almost six months. She had a breakthrough where she started taking good naps and sleeping longer stretches, but now that appears to be over. She won't nap, won't go to bed until REALLY late, then wakes up a zillion times before morning. She wants to nurse much of the time she's asleep. I'm so tired.

I talked to Lisa, and the sleep training plan that her doctor came up with sounds far gentler than most I've heard of. I've been strongly considering it, even though at my core I'm not comfortable with sleep training. I don't know what to do. I've been SO focused on answering Abby's cries, making sure she knows that I am here for her, helping to foster a strong attachment, and I feel like I'm abandoning that if I make her CIO. Also, how in the world would I cope with listening to her cry?! But then, I'm also not sure I'm doing her any favors at all by not helping her get adequate rest. And forget about ME getting adequate rest. Then the whole thing gets complicated by the fact that she's still sometimes uncomfortable, and she's slowly, slowly teething, and I don't know until I'm with her whether she's awake for no particular reason or because she is hurting and needs me.

What to do, what to do?


-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[blnony]

Rachel-
I really am sorry that things have been so rough for you lately. I wish I had advice or something good to add, but all I can say is I really feel for you. I know when you are exhausted, parenting can very challenging. It took us awhile to have a break through sleeping, and until then I didn't think Audrey would ever sleep! I'm sure the diet and Abby's tests haven't helped matters either.
Maybe if you talk with your ped. she might be able to offer some guidance with the "sleep training." Our ped. was a big help, but I think Audrey finally getting over her physical problems was the most helpful. Again, I wish I had more to offer, but hang there, she has to sleep eventually. :)

[Annette_C]

Rachel, I really feel for you. I'm sorry things haven't gotten better in the sleep department for Abigail and, as a result, you.
We were going through the same thing with Sabrina. The hard part was that she stopped sleeping through the night at around 3 months old. We tried everything to have her resume her "old ways" but it only got worse. We then decided to give the Healthy Sleep Habits book a try (after many suggested it here). We learned that she was showing symptoms of being overtired and that "Sleep begets sleep" (my grandmother used to say that all the times too!LOL).
We started putting her to bed much earlier and, although she would stir and cry a few times during the course of the night (nothing more than replacing the pacifier in her mouth), she began sleeping better. Her daytime naps are better too now but what I found that helped the most was having her on a regular schedule. For example, naps every 2 to 2 1/2 hrs (no nap late afternoon); bedtime at 7pm every night; eating every 3 1/2 to 4 hrs; etc.
One other thing the book suggested (and that we found helpful) was that not every cry the baby makes is for need. Many times babies learn too quickly that they will get attention by crying. I have a feeling that that could be one of the problems.
I know it's hard for you to hear her cry (believe me, I'm the SAME WAY!) but try not going to her at every little cry. If she cries harder, go to her for just a few seconds to let her know you're there (maybe patting her gently on her back or holding her hand) and then go . This method has helped tremendously with Sabrina.
It did take us a while but, like I said before, things are better here now. I wish she would get up at 8 am instead of 5:30 or 6 but, from 7pm, she's getting over 10 hrs of sleep at night.
Sorry for the long post. I just want you to know how much I sympathize with you.
Good luck and I hope you get some rest soon.
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[nohomama]

I don't have a lot of time to reply right now but I just wanted to say this... Though I've never met you in person, it's obvious to me that you are an excellent mother. It also obvious that you've become really depleted recently from lack of sleep, a restrictive diet, the stress of Abby's health concerns, etc. (I'm certain I don't even know the half of what you've been coping with). At this juncture, I think it's VERY important that you start addressing YOUR needs. You HAVE fostered a strong attatchment with Abby and perhaps now is the time to start expanding the bounderies of that attatchment. That doesn't neccessarily mean letting her CIO, but it does mean devising ways for you to get sleep and sometime for yourself. You can't continue to be the excellent mother you are without attenting to your own needs. More later...

[nigele]

Hi Rachel,

I know what you are going through, believe me. At the same time, getting Thomas sleeping better has made a huge difference for both of us. Don't get me wrong, CIO is tough, miserably tough, but my ped was incredibly supportive and told me that I was giving Thomas a great gift by teaching him how to sleep. Keep that in mind - it helped to get me through this. BTW, I just put Thomas to bed and he fell asleep with barely a whimper. HUGE improvement over a week ago. I am really glad I stuck with this.

Good luck.

[KathyO]

The key is thinking it through ahead of time, and deciding what kind of approach you will try and how long you will give it. If you try to make it up as you go along, you end up trying to make long-term decisions at 3:30am, which was never my best time...

I did NOT do the Ferber thing, but I started to delay my responses at night, to ten minutes. I'd go in right away for the shrill, "emergency" cry, but not for the lower-pitched wah-wah-wah of I'm-awake-and-annoyed-about-it.

I felt hideous, every minute lasted an hour, but I was utterly gobsmacked by the number of times she'd peter out and drift off in under ten minutes!! And it worked for me because I do not believe in long stretches of crying (let alone the let-them-cry-until-they-vomit thing), but I figured that 10 minutes in the context of a loving, responsive day-to-day parenting relationship wouldn't scar either of us unduly.

And I totally agree about implementing the Weissbluth approach to daytime naps and early bedtime. A lot of our problems ironed themselves out when I started doing that.

Hope some of this helps - I feel for you!!

Cheers,

KathyO

[spu]

Hi Rachel,

I'm so sorry to hear about Abigail's sleeplessness - and yours too. I know how frustrating and sad it can be when a baby cries. With the twins, it seems as though someone is always crying - and always needing mama!

One thing our ped. told us was to see if we could figure out what kind of cry it was at night. Sometimes, it's just the baby readjusting herself and getting comfy again and in doing so, some cry comes out. Also, he said that at the end of the day, crying is the only way babies can let off steam, esp. as they begin to develop new skills and become aware of more things.

We didn't ferberize (sp?) or anything formal for sleep training. Else started sleeping through at 7 weeks and Charlotte at 10, but that changed at 4 months. Some nights, they get up only once, other nights, it's every hour. I do let them cry for a few minutes (no more than 10 minutes) and if the cry escalates, then I know they need me. If it's more like a whiny crabby cry, then I know it's just something they need to do.

It's so frustrating to try and figure it out because as soon as it feels right, everything changes. I totally agree with everyone above, and as Sarah said, focus on your needs too. Sometimes, even if it's once a day, go into another room or outside, or in the garage to do something so you can't hear the cry. It might even stop when you come back inside.

I hope things go smoother for you. Abby is so lucky to have such a caring mama!!

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else

[nigele]

When I started our sleep training, I desperately wanted to post here for support but was afraid I would be criticized. It's nice to see everyone supporting you!

[Karenn]

Rachel,
I so know where you're at. I think it makes absolutely no sense that a baby should have to cry to learn to go to sleep. I am CONVINCED that there has got to be another way. I just can't figure out what it is- and believe me, I've tried everything!

I followed the No Cry Sleep Solution religiously for the first 4.5 months of Colin's life. We saw some progress, but not a lot. It got to the point where he was so tired, all he could do was cry, and he would cry himself to sleep over my shoulder. Finally, I decided that sleep deprivation was worse than crying, and I let him cry in his crib. It was really hard, but he did fall asleep, and over time, has learned to fall asleep more easily. We're still not at the end of our sleep journey. He's not sleeping through the night, and still takes micro-naps, but things are better. He usually wakes twice a night instead of every 10-45 minutes and his naps, while still short, are a bit longer. BUT, he is SO MUCH HAPPIER! And so am I.

When I decided that he needed sleep more than he needed me to respond to him each time, this is what helped me stand the crying:

*I wrote a letter to myself reminding myself that I was acting in his best interest. (Believe it or not, I would forget this in the middle of the crying!)

*I reminded myself of people who I respect who had let their babies cry to sleep, and whose babies (and grown children) seemed fine.

*I followed Weissbluth's advice about naps & no more than 2 hours of wakefulness. I think this helped Colin be more rested and sleep more easily. (i.e less crying!)

*More recently, we got a video monitor. This wouldn't be the right thing for everyone- the crying is as hard to watch as it is to listen to, but I've found that seeing him helps me determine what kind of cry it is. I can tell if he's going to go back to sleep on his own, or if he'll sleep more easily if I go settle him down.

Sorry this is so long, but sleep issues are at the forefront of my mind these days and everyone around me IRL has babies who sleep through the night! Suffice it to say, I'm right there with you and hope it gets better for you soon!

Karen
Colin
6/18/02

[AugBaby]

Since you mentioned having some reserves about sleep training, I figured I'd mention another alternative. We co-sleep, and I can't imagine that I/dd would have gotten much sleep some nights if we didn't. Obviously, this is something that you would have to be comfortable with both philosophically and logistically.

You mentioned being very focused on Abby's cries. DD never cries when she wakes, she just makes a heavier breathing sound or flips one too many times that alerts me to her needing to nurse. I almost never remember even waking up. I think you'd sleep a lot better not having to focus so much on listening for her cry or figuring out what kind of a cry it is.

Again, I'm only throwing this out there because you mentioned having some reserves about the sleep training.

Chrys

[Rachels]

Thanks, everyone. I'm poring over your ideas and struggling with what I want to do. Chrys, we do cosleep for the most part, and often it works like you described. I'm having two problems, though. One is that I NEED a little space from my baby. I need to be able to put her down for a nap or for bedtime and then to have a little time to myself. That isn't happening anymore. The other issue is that right now she wants to sleep all night with my nipple in her mouth, and I can't get any rest that way.

Here are my struggles: we have had much better stretches than this, so I wonder what's up that it's working this way now. And after a decent night, I would tell you firmly that CIO doesn't feel like the right choice for me. But after several awful nights, I wonder how any of us-- Abigail included-- are going to survive on so litle sleep. I feel depressed if I ignore my baby's cries. I feel rotten if I'm exhausted, too. And I am intensely frustrated at the idea that I have to choose between crying and sleeplessness, that those are the options. Can that be right?!

Still struggling, but grateful for all our thoughts...


-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[mamahill]

Oh Rachel I feel so badly for you. First of all, I agree with Sarah (nohomama) - it's time to address YOUR needs. You are a fantastic mother. Much more patient and sacrificing than I think I could ever be, and Abigail will thank you for it one day. I was not a fan of letting Ainsleigh cry because it tore at my heart, but I can feel myself becoming susceptible to depression as I lose sleep. Also, I found myself being much more impatient with DH. I'm a big fan of the Weissbluth book. Since following his advice, my life is SO much easier. Yes, it involves some crying, and like Lisa I was hesitant to ask about that aspect of it because I thought I'd be reprimanded by others (but you all are so nice!). However, it is the only thing that really worked. Several months ago 5 minutes would KILL me. I would torture myself by just staring at the clock as the minutes ticked by. I don't know if I've become desensitized :) or what, but if she fusses for a few minutes, it doesn't bother me. Well, it bothers me because I know that I've kept her awake too long.

I would say set aside 2 weeks for your sleep "training." Give it your all, but know that if it isn't working, at the end of the 2 weeks you'll try something else. I'm not sure how it will work with co-sleeping since we don't, but for the first few days I would put Ainsleigh down and go straight to the shower. I would take a loooooooong hot shower. This not only masked any sound from her, but it helped relax me and get me ready for bed. Sometimes she would still be crying and I'd comfort her, but gradually she would be asleep.

The other thing that really helped me (I think Kathy said it too) is to recognize the differences in Ainsleigh's cries. I can tell when she's really hurting or sad vs. mad/tired/frustrated. Once I began to recognize those, it really made me feel better to know that what I was doing was good for her.

You need to get your rest, though. You are on the fast-track to burnout. There might be some crying, but the benefits of a sleepful night will far outweigh the temporary pain hearing her wails. Take care of yourself!

[KathyO]

Yes, the co-sleeping does complicate the effort to sleep-train (however gently and gradually). This does NOT constitute a criticism of you or co-sleeping, but I understand better what you're up against.

You really are between a rock and a hard place. Abigail likely won't give up her efforts to obtain action from you at night as long as she can see and/or sense you so near by. Given that she is capable of going a fair time between feeds now, I believe that your presence can, to a certain degree, trigger the demands in the same way that the sight of a plate of cupcakes can give you the munchies. Plus you are closing on the point when you have to put a stop to frequent nighttime nursing (or, at the very least, the sleeping with a nipple in her mouth) because that sets her up for early tooth decay, and that's pretty hideous to deal with too. And, of course, the current setup is giving you no quality sleep at all, so you're not enjoying motherhood as much as you'd really like to... and who can make good decisions when her head is stuffed with sawdust?

I do not intend to come across as some kind of authority - my experience totals only 21 months, and I'm _definitely_ making it up as I go along. But perhaps worth considering is a sleep plan that hinges on Abigail's move to a separate room at night. DD was 5 months when I did it to make room for visiting in-laws (we moved too, to give them the master bedroom), and I agonized for weeks ahead of time, and then it turned out to be no big deal. She started doing daytime naps in the crib, then nights, and that was that. Perhaps that, combined with a Weissbluth approach to daytime sleep and bedtimes, would push things far enough along the road to where you want to be that (a) the rest eventually resolves itself, or (b) you don't have to resort to drastic measures to travel the final few yards. I don't believe that one has to make a black-or-white choice between hours of CIO vs. long-term sleep disruption.

I noticed significant changes in both me and Catherine when we switched her to her own room. She woke up less often - not out of giving up on my attention - more like it didn't occur to her to ask for feeding/attention as often. And my head finally started to clear, as I got much bigger chunks of sleep at night. I could get so much more done in a day!

If these suggestions just don't suit, no problem. I hate when people give me advice with that tsk-tsk, patronizing, "I know better and you'll see it my way sooner or later" tone. I just put them forward as a possible route to consider!

In the meantime, hang in there, this DOES end!

Best,

KathyO

[megsmom]

Poor you. I'm so sorry you aren't getting any sleep. It's hard to even be rational about anything with no real rest. I remember when I had my post partum depression and was getting next to no sleep and almost had a nervous breakdown and was really a non-functional, impatient and anxious person. Not good for anyone. God bless you for being anywhere even near coherent.

The traditional Ferber approach is harsh I think. I never read his book, but a lot of the ideas from Weissbluth's book made sense to me and I think helped get Meghan on a good routine and sleep schedule from the beginning. That being said, I also think she is just one of those kids who really wants to go to sleep when she's tired (she even says so now that she's talking). She also sleeps in her crib in her room just down the hall. I hear her fuss during most nights once but rarely does this last more than a minute and I usually don't hear her chatting until morning. If she would really be upset and crying I actually would go look in on her because it probably would mean something was wrong.

Since Meg has gotten older she's actually been getting a bit harder to put down. We do have a very loving sleeptime ritual with stories, rocking, songs, prayers and Meghan is then put into bed. I tell her I love her very much but it is time to go to sleep now and I will see her in the morning. We hear some fussing usually for about a minute then she either lays down and goes to sleep but often talks or plays for several minutes before she goes to sleep. The fussing is actually kind of new and emerged after I rocked her to sleep ONE night at my inlaws over Christmas. It continues to get less and less and tonight we actually had no protest at all when we left the room.

I do think it is important to let her have some space and time to learn to soothe herself. Sometimes in the bedtime dept. this involves a little fussing and crying, but instead of thinking that I am abandoning or ignoring her, I think rather I am giving her time to work out whatever and teaching her how to go to sleep by herself. I am also teaching her that bedtime is bedtime and that means she goes to sleep and no more playing. I think this is actually a great comfort to her to know this is a consistent thing each night. I am and I can tell you are too, a very attentive and loving mother and both our daughters know this. However, you will find as your little one gets older she will continue to see how much she can push your limits. If I let Meghan have her way she would watch movies half the day and drink juice all the time. However, this is of course not healthy for her at all and we have limits on those things with which I have to be consistent.

Maybe some will think this is awful, but Meg still has a pacifier in her bed at night. If she wakes I often hear her look around in the bed for it and then go right back to sleep. She also seems to be getting attached to her pooh blanket and stuffed little Barney these days and I hope someday these will help her give up her pacifier. I used to worry myself about this, but most kids need a comfort item or lovie. I also reasoned that it was allowing both of us to sleep and she could do it without me. I can say she is a very happy, healthy girl who is very, very attatched to her mama.

Good luck, Rachel.

Jen
mom to Meghan 7/13/01

[kathsmom]

Rachel,

I know exactly what you are going through. DS won't sleep through the night, and when he does sleep for long stretches through the night, I have to do all the things that I couldn't do during the day, because he was always awake and/or eating. He was sleeping pretty well through the night when we put him in his carseat. We did this because of continued congestion. Now that he has basically outgrown the carseat (he was 17 lbs. 7 oz. and 25 1/2 inches at his 4 month checkup on Friday), we are trying to get him used to the crib for sleeping. He wakes up the minute we place him in the crib, no matter how gently we do it. He sleeps fine in our arms or in the carseat.

He takes cat naps during the day when I feed him. He is bottle fed and it takes him FOREVER to take a 4 oz. bottle. When he is done with that one and is asleep, he will often wake up and want more to eat.

I am also at my wits end and I appreciate you posting this, because DH and I are so exhausted and grouchy. It doesn't help that DH started a new job recently and has to travel some. When he is out of town, I function on about 2-3 hours of sleep each night, or less. By the time he comes home, I am physically ill with the symptoms of the cold or with nausea.

It might be easier if we just had DS, but I have a 6 year old daughter who needs me and is getting very neglected right now. She needs me a lot right now, because she has started kindergarten and I have not been able to help her like I should with her reading, handwriting, and math.

I know each child is different, but DD went down in her crib and took great naps when she was an infant. DS is totally different!

I am going to the library tomorrow to see if they have the books that some of you have recommended.

Rachel, just know that you are not alone.

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

[Karenn]

One more thought:
Have you tried the No Cry Sleep Solution? Like I said above, it didn't work for us, but while I was trying it, I was a member of a yahoo support group for it. Many of those women had great success with the book, and many of them co-slept. There were also many who didn't co-sleep and it worked for them too. Colin and I even tried co-sleeping in hopes of a good night, but it made things worse for us. Her website, [www.pantley.com] is very encouraging and has the links to the support group.

Karen

[mama2be]

Rachel,

As you know I have no advice since I'm not a mommy yet...but wnated you to know that I'm thinking about you and Abigail and hope that your nights get better.

If you've mentioned your ped I missed it...but could he or she work with you some knowing your beliefs/studies etc...I would hope that they could help coach you to do a no cry solution (since that is what you are in favor of) yet at the same time give you some support and medical education to help you with your decision.

I also have looked around me here in the neighborhood and the children that I have seen who seem so well adapted are the ones I go and drill the mommies on how they did it...I have taken it alot of advice from them. This might not be the best method, we will see...I know it is difficult since your beliefs are strong...I'll be in your shoes in just a few weeks....

Keep us posted...thoughts are with you two-we are all here for you!!!! :)

[bnme]

I have no advice for you since I have not been down that road yet, DS is just 4 weeks old today!. I can't imgine how you must feel. As a new Mommy I have visions of my sleep deprivation ending at that magical 6 week mark -LOL! I am learning by reading all the advice people have posted in this and other threads, though, and I hope you find something that works soon and get the rest you need.

I just wanted to give some advice to mommies-to-be out there --I just the other day bought some books on sleep issues ( "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and "The No Cry Sleep Solution" ) just so I can start educating myself on the subject. It helps just to understand sleep patterns, etc right from the begining. I wish I had read earlier since I can't seem to find the time now -I skimmed the first chapter or 2 of one book but thats it so far. I know when I was pregnant I was always looking for something new to read -pick up a book or 2 on sleep issues and start reading now!

[Rachels]

Thanks again to all of you. Lisa, I'm so sorry you felt apprehensive about coming here for support with the sleep training. I think that we each have the parenting styles that work best for us, and they're not always the same, but I have no doubt that you're a wonderful and loving mom who is making thoughtful choices.

As for cosleeping, we're starting her in her crib and then I bring her in with me once she starts waking often. The problem is that now she isn't having that initial stretch of sleep. She wakes up five minutes after I put her down.

I talked to our ped this morning and am mulling over what she said. She is opposed to the standard CIO, but thinks it's okay to let a baby cry and work it out with mom there to keep her company. She also said that this new constant waking is probably due to teething and hitting a couple of developmental milestones all at once.

Sigh...gotta run. It's naptime.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[mary b]

Rachel, just wanted to give you my support. We have been going through sleep issues with my 16 month old, after virtually no issues for the past year. We defintely have different scenerios (we did CIO, didn't co-sleep etc) but not getting sleep is not getting sleep. Just wanted to let you know, I do support you as everyone does here and I also wanted to say that I think when you do get a good night sleep, you are at your best, so I wish you luck getting to that point and finding whatever works for you! It is very tough though. Noone would ever tell you to do something you aren't comfortable with! Our situation is finally getting better (getting molars, debating on using baby tynelol at night) and I feel so much better!

Take care and know everyone is here for you no matter what your decision is!
Mary

[blnony]

Rachel-
I've been thinking about your problem. One of the best pieces of advice our ped. gave us, was to make Audrey feel safe and comfortable in her crib. We took the bumper out for security reasons, but it has also made is easy for her to look around, she doesn't feel isolated in her crib. Also, we would put her in her crib awake, and let her play around some. The mobile is very entertaining. She also has "security kitty" which she likes to hold. The things in her crib that she sleeps with, stay in the crib, so expects them to be there when she wants to sleep.
Also, when I put her down for naps, I will leave her door open a little so she can still hear me. Once she is asleep, I close it so the noise doesn't wake her. This works best during the week, when its just the two of us at home. If she gets fussy, I go in and rub her back and talk very softly or hold her hand, but I don't get her out of the crib. If she really starts crying hard then I do pick her up and rock her and get her calm then just try all over again. After a couple of times, she usually just drifts off. You might want to try getting her to nap during the day in her crib, then slowly work up to nighttime. When Audrey was smaller, if I was just in her room, she would fall asleep. So I would put her clothes up and just kind of tidy up quietly and that helped.
Setting up a daily routine has also helped a lot. She now knows when its time to nap, play, eat, bathe, etc. It only took about a week to get on a good rountine, but when the rountine gets even a little out of whack, say with houseguests or something, it is hard to get her to nap and then its like starting all over.
I really hope you can find something that works for you. Good luck.
We are all here to help or just listen is you need us.

[juliasdad]

Hi, Rachel--

Just another note of support for you, and to second what others have said, it is indeed obvious that you're a caring, loving, and intelligent mom.

We're going through some of the same stuff right now. Julia hit 5 months yesterday. A couple of months ago, she was giving us some solid sleep in her crib. She even pulled a few interruption-free 9 hour stretched. That didn't last long. For the last month or so, she's awake and fussing quite often, sometimes every hour or more. While it's gotten easier to get her to go back to sleep, it requires that we get up, go into her room and put a hand against her cheek or on her chest until she nods off again. And as you know, interrupting ones sleep every hour isn't fun! And often, in the 5am timeframe, she'll fuss so much that the only thing that'll get her to go back to sleep is bringing her into bed with us. I put her down next to me, and she's immediately out solid for the next couple of hours at least.

I have no advice to offer; just letting you know that we're having some trouble, too. Misery loves company. :-)

On reading the replies here, I got some ideas to try as well; but can someone summarize that the "Weissblum" (was that the name?) method is?

-dan

[mamahill]

Weissbluth's theory is that sleep begets sleep. He talks a lot about how most fussiness and problems with babies (and later children, adolescents and teens) are due to not enough sleep. He talks about watching your child and putting them to sleep while they are still happy, thus avoiding them getting into an overtired stage, which is much harder to have them happily fall asleep in. Once I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," I no longer felt the need to keep Ainsleigh awake in time for her daddy to spend some time with her. Instead of putting her to bed at 9-9:30, she goes down between 8-8:30 (which I'm even contemplating moving earlier, due to some recent problems). It is much easier to get her calmed down. She fusses a little now, but she goes to sleep much better than previously. Also, Weissbluth talks about how a baby who naps well during the day actually sleeps better at night as well because they are well rested (and avoiding over-tiredness).

I highly recommend this book. My only regret is that I didn't pick it up sooner. It really relieved some of the guilt I felt when I would let her cry in her crib (and we found that she only cried harder and longer if I was standing right there - she became frustrated that I just "let" her lay there), knowing that she needs to "learn" to sleep. Also, recognizing that not all of her cries are for pain.

Sorry so long - I guess this isn't so much a summary. I hope everyone who is suffering with sleep issues gets to sleep soon. I know how draining it can be. Take heart - it will get better!

[nohomama]

Rachel,

I meant to get back and post a more lengthy response last night but minutes after I sat down Lola awoke with diarhea. She kept mornfully crying "Poop. Poop. Poop." It would have been funny if it hadn't been so heartbreakingly sad. Back to your trials though. I wanted to relay to you what we did that allowed Lola, as well as Daniel and me, to get some quality sleep.

First, some background. Lola co-slept exclusively until she was six months old. At six monthes, we set up a crib IN OUR ROOM (our place is small and at that point we didn't want to sacrifice our office/guest room, nor did either of us want to repeatedly schlepp from room to room in the middle of the night). We also started putting her down in her crib to start the night, then moved her into bed with us when she awoke.

Throughout all of this, Lola continued to awaken at least several times a night. If she wasn't insisting on nursing, she was sleeping perpendicular to Daniel and me, pushing us to the outer reaches of our bed. None of us was sleeping well. Things got particularly bad after we returned from a trip to Germany at the beginning of November when Lola was just 14 months old. That is when I resolved that something HAD to change.

We went out a bought Pantley's book and immediately felt more positive. I liked a lot of what she had to say but also felt like we absolutely needed a more immediate kind of solution. So we created our own method. The largest piece of it was teaching Lola that she could fall asleep without our help...without nursing, or a bottle, or rocking, etc.. It did involve tears but I wouldn't say it we let her CIO. I also felt that it was an empowering experience for Lola because ultimately, she did realize her ability to fall asleep without us intervening.

We started by reinstituting a night time routine which we'd become lax about. For us that was, and is, a bath, streaking around the house naked, getting into a diaper and pajamas, dim lights, quiet play, and reading books. When we began to notice signs of sleep, we scooped her up and put her in her crib in our dark room. If I was putting her to bed, I sang and talked to her, if it was Daniel, he played guitar. We NEVER left the room until Lola was sleeping. While she was awake, we didn't pick her up to soothe her but instead offered words of love and encouragement.

The first night the process from crib to sleep took about 45 minutes and like I said, there were tears. Before a week had gone by, we were down to 15-20 minutes. Now, at 17 months, Lola can be put in her crib fully awake, and go to sleep on her own. She will often go to her crib and ask to be put in if she's tired. All of this was completely beyond our wildest imaginings when we began.

As she got better falling asleep by herself, we started developing key phrases ("it's time for sleep," "good night," etc.) that we whispered as she drifted off. Then, when she awoke at night, we'd talk her back to sleep using those phrases. If she couldn't get back to sleep, I'd bring her into bed with us and nurse her BUT I always put her back in her crib. The few nights I didn't, we got little sleep.

In addition to all the night time strategies, I also paid attention to structuring Lola's daytime hours more than I had been. I focused on making sure she ate well so that hunger wasn't an issue at night and I made an effort to put her in her crib for a nap (using the same kinds sleep cues) at the same general time everyday. If you feel overwhelmed at the idea implementing any of these ideas at night, try doing these things during the day. Even when your exhausted making a decision at 3 p.m., as opposed to 3 a.m., is always easier.

This is what worked for us. Perhaps some piece or pieces of it can work for you. I can't tell you the difference it's made in our lives. The difference between 4 one hour stretches of sleep and 4 hours of continuous and uninterupted sleep is VAST. I'm still not the perfect mother, but I'm nearer to the kind of mother I want to be when I'm better rested.

[memedee]

I havent done this in quite a while but I know I could not have gotten them to sleep without a pacifier.
I only used it at night and it did not leave the crib ever.
The association was pacifier time means sleep time.
I found this worked better than a lovie or an animal because even then I did not want too much in the crib with them.
My children never sucked their thumb and were pretty good sleepers and grew up with beautiful teeth.I dont know what the thoughts on pacifiers are today and I know not every baby will take one.
I also could not tolerate cio method although many of my friends did and their children eventually went to sleep.Being where you are I am sure you know people who have actually gone to Dr Ferber.I do.
I also tried to put them in for their naps in the crib also.
Right now though it sounds like you could use a break.
Do you have any family nearby that could babysit?
A few hours a week where you could do whatever you want sleep, read have lunch with a friend would make a huge difference.
Perhaps trading some time with a friend?
I kmow this is a huge problem now and I really feel for you.

[newbelly2002]

Rachel I'm sorry I haven't been able to write before now. Dante's teeth are coming and life has been a little. . .hectic here.

No words of wisdom, but definately words of support. I will second Sarah's (Lola's mum) advice and say that a healthy, rested Rachel is going to be a happy Mama. Take some time for yourself, even just an hour or two for a nap, a bath, or whatever makes you feel good. You need to do this. You are giving Abby everything you have to give and then a whole lot more.

Shortly after I discovered I was pregnant I caught a terrible cold. I was throwing up and couldn't keep any food down. Then I threw myself into even more of a panic worrying about the baby inside and how I was depriving him of important nutrients, vitamins and fat. When I broke down at the Dr's office, the nurse practicioner told me this: "The baby is going to take what he needs from you. No fear. It's you, honey, that is going to suffer. The best thing you can do is get some rest and stop worrying." Easy to say, not so easy to do. Especially on no sleep.

It's important to remember that babies are resilient. And Abby, bless her heart, is going to take everything that you are willing to give--and anything extra besides. Be sure to save a *little* for yourself; you'll have more to give as a result. Don't mean to come across like an older sister, but it's easy to lose sight of all this when you're in the middle of it.

Good luck with the sleep, and the diet. And when you stop nursing I think Clay should take you out for gooey, sticky pizza AND a doublescoop of Kimball's ice cream.

Paula

[Magda]

Rachel,

This thought goes in another direction. Is there a family member or babysitter that can take Abigail for several hours? When I'm tired I can hardly function. If you can get get some decent rest and regroup, you may then be able to focus on Abigail again. You could even go so far as to put her into day care for a day. Many centers have what they call drop in status. You pay a registration fee and if there is space you cango for a day. It may well be worth it, so that you can stay healthy. (Kindercare has free day cards that they offer to prospective parents. You may be able to get one.)

Elaine