Beth- there's a poll on child spacing

[jubilee]

As if you didn't get enough opinions, I found a poll on child spacing which you might find interesting... http://www.babycenter.com/article/poll/results.jhtml?id=14257

[parkersmama]

What'd you have to do to get your due date moved up?!? I'm desperately desiring an early release!! LOL!

Denise
mom to:
Parker, 9/1/1997
Wesley, 3/9/2000
and #3 (a girl!) due 4/29/2003

[jubilee]

I have measured a week further along the whole pregnancy, so last visit the doctor pulled out his due date wheel and found that the initial nurse that gave me my due date was off by a week! I was thrilled, heck, a week makes a big difference to me! :)

[egoldber]

Thanks! That poll was a little strange though, didn't you think?

For those who don't want to click on the link, it says that most people think that kids should be spaced 18 months - 3 years apart. I guess my question is more, should it be closer to two (like I am thinking about now) or closer to three (like I had originally planned). There is a big difference between a two year old and a three year old, much less between an 18 month old and a 3 year old!

[todzwife]

Well, if I can offer any ideas as the oldest of 7...my brother and I are 23 months apart, and he has always been my best friend. The twins are about 18 months younger than that brother. Then my mom took a short (4 year)break before she had the others. I am planning to space our kids closely just because of the relationship that my brothers and I have. I am definately not saying that all families are like ours, but I always found comfort in my brother's friendship.
Shandelle ;)

[memedee]

The good thing about having them close together is that they do everything together and become great playmates and confidants.
They also start school and are out of the house together.
This is great if you are planning on going back to work but sad if you like having a baby in the house with you for as long as possible.
If age isnt an issue I vote for three years as you get more one on one time with each one.
This is coming from someone who had babies 10 1/2 months apart!!

[mamahill]

The spacing issues are interesting to me because I am 3 years older than my sister and she is my best friend. Same with my sisters who are 2 1/2 years apart. I think it has a lot to do with personality, more than age. My friend has 2 boys who are 2 years apart and have not really been good friends. Her next boy is almost 4 years younger than the second and the two younger ones are inseparable. My SIL has boys 2 years apart and her next one came 3 1/2 years later. She vowed it was MUCH easier that way. Also, she felt like the oldest didn't get a lot of her attention because she was so busy being sick with and taking care of the second one (he had some immune trouble and was very sick at the beginning).

I say go with you gut. It will all work out. And you won't regret having another one no matter when s/he comes!

[LisaS]

I think about this all the time too - I have always thought 2-3 years is ideal, but which end - closer to 2 or closer to 3 is the question I keep asking myself.

I've done some polling of my own of all my friends, family, aquaintances since if I go for the closer to 2 end, I need to start trying in a few months, and here are a few opinions and situations I've found interesting.

I have 2 friends who were trying for a 2 yr age gap and ended up with a 3 yr spread (to the month) - 1 friend took longer to conceive than anticipated; the other miscarried. Both think it is the greatest thing to ever happen as their older chidren were tough 2 year olds. They loved being able to spend more 1-on-1 time with the older and then also loved the fact that the 3 yr old was in school for 3-4 hrs a day - so time alone with the baby. The only down side is that the 3 yr old doesn't nap - so you don't have a lot of time "off" to yourself, whereas with a closer-to-2 year old, you do have nap time off.

I have another friend who has 2 yrs, 8 months and loves it for the same reasons as the friends with 3 yr gaps love. The oldest is a girl and she loves taking care of her baby brother. He is a demanding baby though and my friend is thankful that the older one is in school.

Another friend ended up with 3 1/2 years - she wanted 3, but took longer to conceive 2nd time around - she had a really tough time b/c the 3 yr old kept saying he didn't want a baby - only him, mommy and daddy - seems like there are definitely more jealousy issues at 3 than 2 - more set in his ways. She's now expecting her 3rd - who will be 20 months younger than her 2nd.

Another close friend has an 18 month spread - she wanted 2 year spread but got preg right away (thought it would take longer since the first did) - in the beginning she thought it was impossible - 2 real babies was just a LOT of work - bedtime and bathtime are extremely difficult with 2 under 2. But they were both on great schedules - both napping during the same times during the day so she got a nice break mid-day, which she still has now that they're 1 and 2 1/2 - Now that they're 1 and 2 1/2, they play together nicely.

A family I used to babysit for for many years when I was a teenager has 3 boys - all withing 2-3 years of eachother - The oldest 2 are 2 yrs 8 months and the younger one is 2 years 5 months younger than the middle. The mom thought it was perfect when she planned it (older one in some type of school/camp - more 1 on 1 time with baby), but as they got older, she wished that she had had them closer together - 2 years give or take a month or 2 - her friends with 18mo-2yr month spreads had a much easier time AFTER the first 6 months. Her boys were all at different stages, wanting to do different things. When they're closer to 2 yrs - you definitely have more overlap. As far as closeness - the 2 yr 3 month spread boys are as close as the 2 yr 8 month spread boys - they're now all teenagers and it doesn't seem to matter all that much anymore.

Another friend - whose kids are older - has 3 year spreads on all 3 of her kids - and thought it was great in the beginning, but now (they're 8, 11 and 14) says its awful - she has girl, boy, girl - and they never want to do the same things - vacations are tough to plan b/c they all have different intrests. The kids all get along well but are not BFF.

One of my best friends is from a family of 3 girls, all born 3 years apart (give or take 2 months) - and they are all BFF with eachother -oldest, youngest and middle are all super close (now all in their 20s) and have always been - my friend wants to do the same 3 yr spread on her kids.

A lot of my playgroup and mommy friends are pregnant with #2 now - going for the 18mo - 2 yr spread (a few of them are actually 15 month/16 months only)- a lot of it has to do with the fact that they all want 3 kids (some want 4) and they are in their early 30s and feel the need to get a move on. Everytime I hear of another pregnancy of another one of my daughter's peers moms, I start thinking, how come I'm not trying yet...it can definitley be catchy...the desire to be prego again.

Another thing to consider: time of year - not sure if that is somthing that matters to you - I have sworn that I don't want to be very preg in the summer - it just looks miserable - to be so big when it is so hot. DD was a January baby which I loved - she was old enough by summer to be a real "baby" - sitting up and interactive and go on baby swings at the park - so it was fun to be able to enjoy that with her. And winter, we were indoors anyway. So, for me, I think I want a Spring baby next - 2 - 2 1/2 yrs...and at 2 1/2 in the summer, DD can be in "camp" of some sort for a few hours, I think.

The other thing is timing in their grade - do you care if your child is youngest / oldest, etc. If your school system is Sept - Sept then a Sept - Jan baby will be older whereas if its Jan - Jan, then it will be youngest. I was born in Jan and my parents pushed me ahead - so I was always the youngest and hated it (last to drive, etc), so I will let DD be one of the oldest if her school is Jan-Jan. It shouldn't be a deal breaker on an age spread but its something to consider if it matters to you at all.

Anyway, there are lots of other case studies I've gotten from people, but they don't apply to the 2-3 year spread, so Ill stop here. The bottom line is that whatever age spread people have, it always ends up working out for the best. If you think that closer-to-3 is ideal, then go for it, but I think you should decide what the minimum acceptable age difference is and be prepared for that if it happens -b/c it might be very quick to conceive. Make sure you'll be okay with closer-to-2 and if you end up with that, it will work out fine. The truth is, you can't go wrong either way.

Good luck.

[parkersmama]

Well, I have to say that I'm extremely jealous! I don't think they are off on me because I calculated the same dates. My first child came on his due date and 2 1/2 years later my second child was born 2 weeks early. I'm afraid that I've really gotten my hopes up that this one will also come 2 weeks early. I'm really trying to be realisic but I can't help hoping! I know that baby's almost never cooperate with our plans. :-)

Denise
mom to:
Parker, 9/1/1997
Wesley, 3/9/2000
and #3 (a girl!) due 4/29/2003

[egoldber]

Wow! Thanks for all the great info! That was actually really helpful. I guess what I am slowing coming to realize is that there is no "perfect" spacing and that there are many more variables than I had been considering. To be honest, I had mainly wanted to wait for a three year spacing to make life easier on me.

But lately I have started thinking about other issues. What if it takes me longer to get pregnant this time? What if the next baby is REALLY high needs and I NEED a longer spacing? In general, Sarah is a pretty laid back, mellow child who happily entertains herself for long periods. But what if the next baby is different? And I also need to plan a bit around DH's travel schedule. He has a few "set" commitments that he really NEEDS to go to in order to do his job. He can cut back on his travel schedule some, but some trips are sort of mandatory. And in general, I just feel "ready" and I didn't expect to feel ready this soon.

Ah, so many things to think about...

[jubilee]

The interesting thing about the poll was that they asked it in two questions... 1. what is the ideal spacing in the child's perspective 2. what is the ideal spacing for the parent. The poll seemed to show for the parent's sake it is better to have more distance between the kids. Beth, you are obvisiously a great mom, and I am sure you will make a good decision on the best spacing for your family and situation. Best to you,