I finally hit rock bottom: I'm totally burned out!

[Annette_C]

Hi everyone,
First of all I'd like to apologize to everyone that posted good news (Rachel, congratulations on your new pregnancy and I'm sorry you're feeling so sick), bad news (Paula, I hope you got to the US safely and you got to see your loving grandma; Sarah, sorry you, Lola and your DH have all been so sick...I hope things will get better soon) and all the rest in between, for not having had the time to respond.
I've been taking med for PPD (only mild, TG!) for 2 months now but I feel worse instead of better. I don't even know if it's PPD (I never had it before) or just depression from being overtired, stressed and having no life!
The problem is I want to be EVERYTHING to EVERYBODY! I want to be a good wife to my DH (we've only been married 20 months...practically newlyweds) but I don't even have time for him anymore.
I want to be a good daughter (my parents don't speak English very well) so I help my parents with paperwork, dr appt, phone calls, etc.
I want to be a good mother to my children so I allowed my two older ones to move back home after college (I want to help while they still need me and because of their job/residency, they can use the help) but now I find myself shopping, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning for everyone. That's besides taking care of Sabrina (who's not sleeping well at night...again!!).
I also like to exercise 5 times a week (the only thing I do for ME!) but even that has become a chore.
Bottom line....I have no life (we don't go anywhere anymore nor do anything fun), I've neglected myself, my friends (real and virtual), my family and I feel like *&@#!!!!
I swear, somedays (like today) I just want to run away and hide....Anyone know a deserted island where I can go to?
Sorry about this being so long but I needed to vent.
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[mama2be]

Annette,

I am so sorry you are going thru this...by the way that is a lot on your plate...I would agree I wouldn't necessarily label it as depression but maybe just a case of "a lot on your plate"...

Can you start delegating to your older children some of the chores of house and food. I am thrilled that you are exercising and it is great that you are sticking to that I admire that so much.

Maybe incorporate walks with DH into the exercise program. I really think that couples that exercise together stay together...it really is a bonding time...

Feel free to email your phone number and we can chat if you want...
I hate to see you down...you are to great of a gal for that!!!

[COElizabeth]

Oh my goodness! It depresses me just thinking of how much work you have! No wonder you feel down. I hope that your DH and older kids can help you out some more. The grown children are bilingual, right? Could they help interpret for your parents some times? And for living at home can they take care of Sabrina once in a while so you and DH can go out on a date? Take care of yourself. That saying about if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy is a cliche for a good reason - it's true!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[twins r fun]

Wow, that is a lot! If you can afford it, would it help to get a paid somemone to come in once or twice a week (like a teenager) to watch Sabrina for a few hours? You could use the days to do something for yourself or use it to catch up on household stuff. And then maybe try to schedule 1 or 2 dates/month with your husband. Maybe your older children could help with childcare here. I would say if cost isn't an issue, find yourself a good babysitter and start doing some stuff you enjoy. You DEFINITELY deserve it and in the long run it will make better person in all those roles you mentioned.

Nicole

[JMarie]

You sound completely worn out! I'M feeling worn out on your behalf - you are just doing so much, no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed. Even though I haven't been a mom for very long, I know what it's like to want to run away from it all. I had posted a while earlier about a friend - my best friend - freaking out - well, suddenly it turned into a meltdown and we are no longer speaking. I am just beside myself, grieving over the loss of this friendship, trying to be happy with my beautiful son, but nothing seems to cheer me up. DH has taken to pretty much kicking me out of the house to take some 'me time' when I need it. Most of the time I head to the mall and try on half of Nordstrom's shoe department since trying on actual clothes would just depress me more. But I digress...

It sounds like you need time for you - not anyone else. Could someone else cook a meal a couple times a week, or do the laundry/cleaning/shopping for you? I must say that since DH has taken over laundry duties, I have felt a huge weight lifted (not to mention I'd rather scrub toilets than sort socks...). Don't feel bad if you need to ask for help - your family might actually appreciate it. You may even want to talk to your MD about changing meds or increasing your dosage - that helped my sister with her PPD. I'm not to the point of meds, so I can't really speak too much on that, but just know it will get better.

JMarie
Mom to Aidan Christopher 01/28/03

[jojo2324]

Annette! You poor thing! I think that Neve and Elizabeth are on the right track.

Please don't take this personally, but put those kiddies to work! It's wonderful that you've opened your home to them and that you are helping them post-college, but most kids are out on their own, learning how to live independently without any help from their parents. They NEED it. I don't doubt for a second that you think you are doing the best for them, but sometimes the best thing is letting them do stuff themselves. And I'm sure if you sit down with them and explain how exhausted you are, they will understand.

And I know you mentioned that your home requires a lot of care, but maybe you should hire some help to come and clean? I remember you said you like to do it yourself, but you need to rest! You've earned it! It is hard to change your ways, but in the end, you need to do what is best for you. And please don't feel like you are abandoning others; Mama Bear needs some TLC too! We are here for you!

PS - I made the Bolognese sauce tonight...I messed up a little bit (too much meat, not enough garlic, added water because it was so thick from the meat), and it was still yummy!! :9 Thank you!! :D

[Annette_C]

Thanks for your kind words ladies.
The thing is that my older kids are NEVER home other than late at night. My son is an accounting manager (and even brings work home) and my daughter is doing a very demanding residency at Yale. She leaves at 6 am and comes home at 8 or 9 pm. She has to work evry other weekend until 10 pm and has a boyfriend in NJ doing a felloship (he's also a Doctor of Pharmacy).
My kids have offered to help but...when??? Sabrina hardly knows them since she never sees them. Also, Sabrina is in bed by 7pm but wakes up constantly and if DH or I are not there, she has a fit!
I have to say that my parents help a lot. They come over in the afternoon to help with Sabrina. My dad is wonderful with her (he adores babies!). My mom, unfortunately, cannot hold her because she had a stroke when I was born and has a weak left side.
DH is also terrific. He helps a lot with DD but he also has a demanding full time job and is worn out himself. We used to take walks together (he's also into fitness but hasn't been able to work out since DD was born) and do fun stuff but, now, with the baby on a schedule and winter and being exhausted....you get the picture.
Even with all the help I have, I still have no time for anything!
I enjoy this board SO MUCH and I LOVE ALL OF YOU!! But I don't even have time to respond.:(
I do have a huge home to take care of and DH suggested getting help. Sometimes, it's my fault too. I was brought up in a traditional, old fashioned Italian way where if the woman can't take care of her house and family, she's a failure! And God know I try!
All my life I've been working hard and putting others before me....I'm tired now....I can't do it anymore! I was waiting for my kids to be out of college to be able to do the things I missed out on when I was young (married at 17, had 2 kids by 20)....I feel that now I'll never get the chance!
Sorry again ladies...and thanks so much for being so sweet to me.
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[etwahl]

Annette, you are such a sweet and caring person, and I definitely don't have to read your post to know that you put everyone else above yourself. That's obvious!!! And after everything you have going on in your own life, you always make time to try and help everyone else on this board, including me. But, and I know this is hard to admit, you can't be superwoman forever! You've done so much for everyone else - you just really need to start doing things that are for you. First thing you should do is what your DH suggested and get some help. I know that's hard to do, growing up in a traditional family or not. I know my DH really encouraged me to hire a maid when he left and I was in so much pain, and I even interviewed one, but when it came down to it, I just couldn't do it. I don't know what it is exactly. I guess being brought up to be too independent and to never rely on someone else. But you have nothing more to prove! Get some help and start enjoying life a little as soon as possible. Make time in your life for the things you enjoy and also for some down time. Otherwise you are going to continue to burn out, and then you won't be any good to anyone, including yourself. The best thing you can do for you and your family is to be a little more selfish. Hire some help soon!!!

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[VickiH]

Annette -
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I was brought up the same way, so I can totally understand that you want to take care of everything and everyone yourself. But no one will fault you or be upset if you ask for help. I agree with the other ladies - hire someone to clean a couple of days a week (and don't clean before or after they come!) and get someone to watch Sabrina while you workout or have a date with DH. Go get your hair or nails done. You have worked so hard your whole life for your family and friends - enjoy sometime for yourself and try not to feel guilty. And don't worry if you don't have time to read the boards or respond. All of us here know how overwhelming it can be to take care of a home and family.
Please take care of yourself, and know that so many people care about you and want you to be happy.

[parkersmama]

Wow! You sure have a lot going on. You've had some good suggestions and I don't really have anything else to add. BUT I can definitely sympathize. I am running myself ragged, too, and feeling totally down about it. I guess all I can say is I'm right there with ya! Hang in there!

Denise
mom to:
Parker, 9/1/1997
Wesley, 3/9/2000
and #3 (a girl!) due 4/29/2003

[nohomama]

The strongest & happiest people I know are the ones who are able to set clear boundaries with others and aren't ashamed to ask for help when they need it. You are a woman with a lot on her plate and, right now, it's too much (that may not be the case forever). It in NO WAY diminishes your worth as a person to need and ask for help...no matter how you were raised!

For your own well being as well as your family's, it's time to jetison the guilt . If your kids have volunteered to help, LET THEM! Let THEM worry about fitting it into their schedules. Most people their ages with their schedules aren't living at home and have to find a way to maintain a home, pay bills, do laundry, etc..

Take on only those things you enjoy doing. If you enjoy everything, pick several favorites and deligate everything else. Find a housekeeper/cleaning service, ask your parents to spend another hour with Sabrina in the afternoons, see if a friend can help out it some way. Devise ways to "maximize" the work you do need to do. If your making a lasagna for dinner, make two and freeze one so you can get away without cooking another night.

To spend quality time with your husband, try and make something you already do together special. Mabye you could have a candle light dinner after Sabrina has gone down for the night. Sabrina's sleep troubles won't last forever. And sometimes, when you're at or near your breaking point, it's OKAY to let her cry. Sabrina's needs are important, but both you and she need to learn that they're no more important than your needs.

Your a fabulous person! If someone else where in your position, I'm certain you'd do everything within your power to help. Treat yourself as well as you treat others. You deserve it.

[egoldber]

I completely agree with Sarah. Being able to set limits is key. I know how you feel, because I am VERY guilty of the "only I can do it best" syndrome myself. You can't keep this up, for EVERYONE'S sake.

FYI, the BEST decision DH and I ever made for our marriage was to get a cleaning service. Two checks a month means never having to argue over whose turn it is to clean the bathroom! And some of those arguments were really nasty.

If your kids want to help, let them. But again, let them figure out how to fit it into their schedule. If they like, let them do a "make ahead" dinner when they get home at night or do laundry at 11 pm. (I do plenty of laundry between 9 pm and midnight!)

Also, remember that those Italian matrons lived in a very different world. Their daughters weren't doing residencies, they were helping their mother take care of the house! And so was their son's wife! You are trying to do all the work with none of the support system.

It is very important that you take care fo yourself. You can't do things for everyone else without first taking care of you.

HTH!!!!

[Annette_C]

Thanks again to everyone who responded for your support and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know!
I have to say that I do feel a little better today.... I think I'm also going to start making some changes.
Thank you for all your suggestions/ideas but, most of all, for being there when I need you!

Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[mamahill]

I'm getting on this thread a little late, but just wanted to say that I agree with everyone here. And reading about what you have to do tires me out! Anyway, I don't have anything to add - everyone else has covered it - but wanted you to know I was thinking of you and wishing you better days ahead...

[atlbaby]

Jumping in a bit late too...But I just wanted to add that although it will be hard to make changes I hope once you do begin to set limits and not run yourself to the ground as much you will feel better and enjoy more!

Keep us posted on how things go!

-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01
#2:) EDD 10/24/03