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Rachels
03-11-2003, 01:24 PM
There was an exodus from Boston by a bunch of my close friends after we all finished graduate school. I am finding that some of my remaining childless friends in the area just don't call much anymore, and getting together is really tough since they want to do things at night. And NOW, my two closest mommy friends are both talking about moving! Yikes! I'm feeling very sobered and sad at the thought of losing my whole community. I like Boston reasonably well, but this isn't where I'd be if I had much choice, so it's especially hard to have folks moving away. I've met a bunch of moms at one thing or another, but I need some who parent similarly to how I do it. I'm in the wrong suburb for that. Sigh. Struggle, struggle, struggle.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

Karenn
03-11-2003, 01:47 PM
I know what you mean! I moved about an hour away from most of my friends and, as I'm sure you know, an hour is too far to go AND stick to a nap schedule. I too, feel like I'm in the wrong suburb! I am in a baby group, but it's hard to get support when most of them haven't even heard of the philosophies that I'm trying to follow. There was one mommy in town who I was just beginning to connect with, and she moved 3 hours away! No more play dates!

Maybe this is why I spend way too much time on line. :)

kapow
03-11-2003, 02:48 PM
I have a similar problem in Chicago - my next-door neighbors just moved to Virginia, and she was pregnant, just one month ahead of me. It would have been too perfect. I'm at least a year ahead of any of my close friends who aren't even ready to start trying yet. Le sigh.

Andrea S
03-11-2003, 02:56 PM
I have the same problem around here. We live in the Chicago suburbs and it seems like we were the first to have a baby and now all of of friends are following, but they live about a hour away in a couple different directions. There is 1 couple that we have become better friends with that have a girl 1 week older than Andrew and now we both have kids we have more in common. She and I have been trying out some playgroups which has been nice to have someone to go with. I just wish there were more people around during the week to go out with.

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02

atlbaby
03-11-2003, 02:56 PM
Oh Rachel, that's too bad that two of your close friends are moving away! Are they considering moving, or is it a sure thing? DH and I have moved a bunch of times now since we got married, and since he is still doing his residency we don't even know if we will be here after next June. I too have found it painful to make good friends and then have to leave.

Before I had Arielle I could be completely different from someone and still hang out with them, for mommy-friends though you're right--it's better to have some similarties in parenting philosophies. I'm sorry the people in your area don't parent the same way you do! Maybe once the weather is nicer you may meet some people in and around your neighborhood though?

I know I've not been much help, but I wanted to say I understand, and can empathize!

-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01
#2:) EDD 10/24/03

nohomama
03-11-2003, 10:24 PM
If you're feeling desparate, you can always hop in the car and come to Northampton for the day. Seriously though, I know where of you speak. Neither Dan nor I are extroverts and we feel like we're just starting to establish a community after living in this area for 3+ years and being parents for 1 1/2. We've made several really good friends with co-workers of Dan's, only to have them move away (the nature of academia). And most of the people we've known for years are spread out over the country.

My only advise is to seek out places and situations were you think you'll find like-minded folks and hope to make connections there. I'm difinitely no expert. When it comes to making friends, I feel like an awkward grade-schooler.

Good luck,

Momof3Labs
03-11-2003, 10:48 PM
Andrea,

Which 'burb do you live in? We're in Gurnee!

sunny2003
03-11-2003, 11:24 PM
Rachel - where in Boston do you live? I live in Newton and just joined the Newton Mother's Group and there are a lot of adult and kid related activities related to that - check out www.newtonmoms.com Also, I have heard good things about Warm Lines in Newton which I will probably join when the baby is born later this spring.

Hope this helps - let me know if you want to meet for coffee sometime.

Viv

Rachels
03-12-2003, 08:44 AM
I'm in Quincy, but I know one of the moms who goes to the Newton moms group! (Jessica.) Maybe I'll check it out. And coffee sounds fun.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

Rachels
03-12-2003, 08:46 AM
Sarah, I know exactly what you mean. Forming new friendships in adulthood feels a lot like dating, which, frankly, I never liked. I love HAVING friends, but the process of becoming friends is harder than I remember. (When is it okay to speak candidly about nausea and sex? When do you reach the point where long phone calls are predictable and fun? When is it okay to call the person in a crisis and expect that they'll offer to come over?)

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

sbirmantaz
03-12-2003, 09:00 AM
Hi there! I grew up in Quincy! But, now I live in Natick. I was lucky to have met a group of great 1st time moms at the prenatal exercise class I took last summer. Now we have formed a playgroup and meet once a week at each others houses. Have you looked to see if the YMCA there has any mommy and me classes? I used to go to that Y and it is a nice one. That may be a good opportunity to meet otehr liked-minded moms. Since my dd is only 6 months old I have only just started to see differences in parenting styles which may become a problem later on... We'll see.

Andrea S
03-12-2003, 09:19 AM
We are in Schaumburg!

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02

alkagift
03-12-2003, 11:04 AM
I've been thinking about this post a while before I responded because I so understand the feeling, even if it's for different reasons. In my case, I was the one who moved and I thought it would be wonderful, which it was in some cases, but 6 months later I couldn't believe how much I missed my friends and how completely inept I was at making new ones. Five years later, nothing's changed other than my awareness of it--ouch. For my birthday the first year, my husband attempted to get my friends to come up to visit for the weekend, but it didn't work out and I cried my eyes out. Now that I'm pregnant, I notice the lack of women support much more noticeably.

I would definitely NOT do what I did (do) and wait for somebody to reach out. Mommies groups sound good, so do baby swim classes at the Y. I would also see if there was a volunteer group that you could get involved with too that would be kid friendly, like a tree-planting group (like a save the trees thing) or historic neighborhood cleanup day. Here we have a historic cemetery (sounds creepy but isn't) that loves people to come help maintain the grounds, which are gorgeous. Now that it's Spring, you can be inspired by the outside!! Also, if your friends do move, reach out to them still. They'll probably be in a different place and feeling out of sorts and alone too.

Best of luck to you--you are clearly a wonderfully supportive person and there are others just like you out there. You're right, it does sometimes seem like dating and I was SO bad at that!
Allison
Expecting #1 5/27/03

ddmarsh
03-12-2003, 11:18 AM
One thing I've noticed over time is that you really do start to become friends with people that aren't necessarily like you in many ways - parenting styles, etc. For me it is partially out of necessity because I have a very different level of education, interests, etc. than most people I come across where we live (definately not an large urban area!). But another thing that happens is that as children get into preschool and beyond and make friends you really have to deal with people who are sometimes like you but sometimes very different than you and you will find yourself socializing with both types. I really have gotten to the point where I can be friendly and socialize with just about anyone to a certain extent, but it's happened over time and as I said in my case partially out of desperation :).

Debbie

egoldber
03-12-2003, 11:55 AM
I really agree with this. I belong to a large playgroup that I thank my lucky stars every day that I lucked into. Not everyone in the group parents the same way I do (in some cases very differently). But it amazing how just having a child the same age gives you SOOO much to talk about together.

There are definitely some of the moms that I feel closer to than others, but to be honest, ALL of them are great in various ways and I feel that they all have something to offer. But then again no one in my group spanks, every one has been very supportive of each others feeding choices, and they are all mainly into positive discipline techniques, so maybe my group is a little more "progressive" than a lot of others.

We have moved a lot, and I have really felt this in my lack of friends over the years. I have a group from college that I still keep in touch with, but we are now all over the country and can only do so much. This playgroup is actually the largest circle of friends I have had in a LONG time and it is amazing to me how much my life has been enriched.

I also have a hard time making friends in general. By nature, I am also introverted. Some of this is by nature and some a product of issues from my childhood. Working with a therapist several years ago made an INCREDIBLE difference in my life in this regard. But I think that everyone finds it harder to make new friends as they get older.

Rachel and Sarah, I also would encourage you to reach out to other moms. You may be surprised, but so many SAHMs and part-time SAHMs are REALLY lonely and looking for others to hang out with! I think it is probably easier to meet people at Mommy&Me type classes. After a couple weeks, it would be perfectly natural to ask other moms if they wanted to go to lunch after class. You never know, your next best friend could be sitting next to you at Gymboree or in the pool at Baby&Me swim.

HTH,

mama2be
03-12-2003, 04:02 PM
Edited for the worst typing skills of anyone on these boards...how do you spell check these posts anyway????

Chicken Little me...because I was not going to respond to this thread till I saw Debbie's and Beth's response. I was afraid I was the only one who thought that folks didn't need to have the same "parenting skills" as I...or other skills for that matter since I am new to parenting.

This post made me think of my network of closest frineds (who DWATS are in DC (Virginia)4 hours away)...but I immediatly thought of my bridesmaids. Most had been married for a long time with kids while they watched me single as can be, dating up a storm, partying all night etc...it never hit me that they wouldn't be my friends because my life so differed than theirs (which it did). And it never would have hit me that they wouldn't have looked at me as one of their dearest friends because I wasn't married and most definitly didn't have their parenting skills (parenting wasn't even a thought process of mine). But here I am now a mother and they are every bit as much of my friends as they were when I was a few years out of college and a wild chicky poo rolling in at 5:00AM, the last to leave a bar etc.....

Things might change now that I am a mommy, but I doubt it...I just don't know how or why their parenting skills have anything to do with our friendship. Now if they were mean moms, yes, but if they were I wouldn't have been attracted to them as friends to begin with. My girl friends mean the WORLD to me...it is they that mean the world to me, and it has very little to do with their children. My girlfriends are my biggest cheerleaders, and me theirs. Just yesterday three of them were working in the ICU together and I got them on the phone and they all Oh'd and Ahh'd over Tristan's pics and you could hear so much energy inthe back ground of them showing DRs, techs, secretaries etc... of people I used to know. It was wonderful!!!...I could here one showing off my dogs fromt he web site to one of the DRs and another seeing my wedding picture ont he web site and reminincing about that week-end.

When I moved to Raleigh and this neighborhood I got so involved with everything and thus have met so many people and am absolutely shocked I mean blown away at the generosity, friendliness etc... of people around me and their response to my pregnancy and Tristan. I am amazed. I though am an extravert to a fault at times...I literally chase people down the golf course to ask what type of dog they have...
One of my dearest neighborhood friends was walking her dog with her husband when we had moved in the first week...I ran outside to talk to them about their dog...She was from Pittsburgh and thought I was a NUT!!!! She still gets made at me when we go for walks and I stop to talk to everyone, she keeps walking I embarrass her so......we are night and day but I love her so much...we share garndening, good food, wine, political views and our love for animals and fund raising for the SPCA. She is 5 years older than I am, will never have kids, only talks to people that she really knows...but god I love her...

Entertain the idea of accepting folks that might be different from you...parenting skills included and I know you'll be a magnet for friends...your friendship abilities are obvious from what I see in your post, responses and support of your friends here...

Karenn
03-12-2003, 06:43 PM
I have to agree with Beth, Neve and Debbie. One thing that I value more than anything is the diversity that I have among my friends. I hate to think that in my reply to Rachel above I implied that I only want friends who are just like me. That would make life so boring! It's just that every now and then, I'd like to be able to say to someone, "What do you think Burton White means when he says this?" or "Do you agree with Brazelton's theories about sleep?" and have them know what I'm talking about. But still, I would never want to surrender the knowledge that I gain from all my friends that aren't parents, parent differently, or are just different than I am. I really do think those relationships can help me as much as like-minded friends could. I'm just a little short in the "like-minded friends" department :)

Rachels
03-12-2003, 06:53 PM
Oh dear, I don't mean to sound like a parenting snob-- of COURSE I accept and respect people whose styles differ from mine. I hope that's been clear on these boards. And I do know and like a number of women who fall into that category. But the two friends who are moving are the two that share what feel to me like some very important values, and I'm sad to be losing that cameraderie. Not that I can't enjoy other people, too, but I do need to have relationships with people whose parenting priorities are in line with mine. I'm basically practicing Attachment Parenting, and find it's one of those things (like natural birth) that would be nearly impossible without support. But it's VERY important to me, and I'm losing my most obvious compatriots. To put it in birth terms, it's like trying to get real understanding about my 37 hour, unmedicated, posterior, out-of-hospital labor from someone who went to Brigham & Women's and had an epidural at 2 centimeters, by choice. It doesn't mean that I can't really enjoy such a person, but it does likely mean that talking about birth probably isn't going to be such an eye-to-eye conversation. Same with parenting. It doesn't preclude lots of fun in other ways, but I need those shared heart to hearts, too. Does that make sense? Sorry I didn't phrase it better originally.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

MartiesMom2B
03-12-2003, 07:02 PM
Rachel:

I really feel for you. I felt the same way when I moved to Raleigh from the D.C. area, leaving my friends and family. I also understand the importance of having the support from people who parent the same way you do. Not that I've had Martie yet, but I know it's good to have a core support of people who think along the lines of you.

Good luck.

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

atlbaby
03-12-2003, 07:05 PM
Now I want to clarify my remarks too! I also did not mean earlier that I soley want like-minded friends. Many of my friends from the various cities we have lived, lead completely different lifestyles than I do. I have loved telling them about Orthodox Judaism, and sharing/learning with them. Some of them never want children, and while others do they are years away from parenthood.

But I also find I desire friends who, like Karen said, can talk about some of what goes on in my daily life right now, like my long running "cup issues", molars, and morning sickness!

I hope I haven't come across as a snob either, there are definitely two sides to this. I enjoy having friends who are nothing at all like me, and ones who share similarities at this stage of my life.

-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01
#2:) EDD 10/24/03

egoldber
03-12-2003, 09:48 PM
Oh Rachel! I'm sorry if my post started this! And certainly no one here thinks you are parenting snob!

I've tried to clarify what I meant above in various ways and don't think I am able to do so without making things worse! Just wanted to say I'm very sorry and hope that you weren't offended!

mama2be
03-12-2003, 09:57 PM
Rachel,

I didn't read your post (or anyones elses as that way) either...I think all of the responses are pro you in helping you find a network of buddies in many differnt ways...:)...

You deserve the best of friends, like I said earlier it is obvious that you are a great one based on what we all see here...:)

KathyO
03-12-2003, 10:26 PM
I think you've put your finger on it with the word "values". In my moms' group, we've made a pact that nobody will apologize, or feel condemned, for their parenting choices... but this is made easy by the fact that, fortunately, we all share a very similar set of values underneath the different choices.

I can't add anything much to the range of suggestions on where to link up with like-minded folks... just offering sympathy on the sense of isolation, and the need to connect!! I remember the day in our moms' group when the subject of sex came up, and everyone grinned and laid their how-many-times-per-week cards on the table, so to speak... After that, there were NO secrets...

Best of luck in bumping into a soul sista or two...

KathyO

Rachels
03-12-2003, 11:13 PM
Not offended at all! Please don't worry. I just wanted to clarify, especially because I value you all so very much. I really appreciate your thoughts on this, too. All's well. :)

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02