What did you do with the Grandparents??

[alkagift]

Hello,
I was a lurker for a month or so and started posting in the last couple of weeks or so--I couldn't stand not talking, I guess. I have a question, but I probably should introduce myself first. I'm Allison, my DH is Mark, we're living in suburban Atlanta in an older house that we're fixing up with our cat, Scout. I have really enjoyed reading everyone's posts, from Strollerqueen's escapades (that group completely helped me understand strollers) to the CD moms (CD's are still a bit intimidating) to this wonderful group. Thanks for being so open and welcoming.

As to my question: What did you decide as to when and how long the grandparents would visit? My mom is dying to be here day one, but I think I would want a day or two to be at home alone with DH and the baby. Keep in mind that we have a 3 bedroom house and my parents are retired, so they would definitely be staying with us, not a hotel. To complicate matters, my DH's sister is expecting one month ahead of me (also here in Atlanta) and his parents will want to come up for her baby. So, I've got two potential problems--DH's divorced parents, one of whom will want to stay with us during my last month (I'm sure my crankiness will not show, right?), and my own parents, who probably already have their bags packed. What have you experienced moms done?


Allison
Expecting #1 5/27/03

[Momof3Labs]

I might be in the minority, but I was incredibly grateful to have my mom here for most of the first week (she also stayed in the guest room). DH and I were so overwhelmed and exhausted (and I was pretty sore), so we had Mom do everything else around the house except care for the baby (although she did do some baby-walking in the middle of the night, too). She did a lot of cooking for us, so we had freezer meals, and bought groceries, did laundry, took care of the dogs, etc.

If your mom/parents would be a big help, I'd encourage you to consider having them stay. If they just want to hold the baby and will need to be waited on, definitely make them wait - at least a few weeks, if not a month (or stay in a hotel).

But I gotta agree with you - in-laws in my eighth month would have driven me absolutely batty!!

[flagger]

Thou must learn the delicate art of biting thy tongue.

However one thing I think is crucial is when you get home from the hospital is to not answer the phone, not get on the computer, not answer the door for 24 hours. Give everyone a chance to be as a family before the hub-bub of well-wishers, gawkers et cetera descend upon the house.

We are fortunate in that our parents are 17 hours by car away from us. Neve posted that the best thing she did was change her Voicemail message with the stats of the baby and then unplugged her phone (not before two calls got through). I know I will want to update our webpage immediately with pictures but I am trying to restrain myself two months out.

Another thing suggested is to have projects for them to do, either cook or clean or raking leaves or whatever. They still get baby time, but you get some important bonding time in there. Just ask that everyone wash their hands before handling the baby (15 seconds in warm water halfway up to the elbow...or have them sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star or their ABC's while washing). Also we remove our shoes when we enter the house now and will ask everyone else to do the same.

[Karenn]

Welcome!

Once we got home from the hospital, we made a "no visitors for the first week" policy, and then we secretly kept my mom on "back up" in case we needed the extra help. She only lives an hour away, so it was easy to do it this way. It probably wouldn't work with out of town parents.

We actually survived the first week on our own very well. BUT, I have to say, once she arrived, I was amazed at all the ways my mom was able to help me with the baby. There was so much stuff that she just "knew" about babies that was so helpful. Plus, there's this thing I call the "Grandma Effect." It seems like Colin is always better when she's around-even today. He sleeps better, eats better, is happier, etc. It probably depends on your family, but I'm thinking that next time around, I'll have my mom down here much sooner!

[parkersmama]

I'm with Lori (and probably it's still the minority) but I couldn't have done it without my mother. My in-laws are sort of goofy and don't spend the night much at our house so both times they drove down to be at the hospital for the birth (2 1/2 hour drive) as did my parents. Then my parents (or at least my mom) stuck around for a while and the in-laws went home fairly quickly (next day or so). With my first child, there is just no way that I could have done without my mother! I had a c-section so I was in the hospital for 4 days and she went home during that and came back when I was discharged. She spent several (can't remember how many??) days with us at home in our guest room after that. I was determined to breastfeed but having terrible problems (poor little guy wasn't latching on correctly...how was I to know?!?). My husband was extremely supportive but having my mother there who had breastfed before was a godsend. I don't think I'd have stuck with it if she hadn't been there with us. She was also around after my 2nd son was born and although we had a much easier time (no c-section, nursed great from the start) I still loved having her there. Both times I stood in the driveway and cried when she left! LOL! I think it's essential that you at least have someone on "stand-by" in case you need help. New babies can be overwhelming and it's nice having someone available who has a little confidence in what they're doing!

As for that 8th month thing...I think I'd lose it! Maybe one or two nights but that's it! As a matter of fact, dh was just mentioning that MIL might come down for ds's b'day party in a few weeks and it made me grumpy just thinking about it!! LOL! And I really do love my MIL. I guess it's a pregnancy thing.

BTW, I live in Columbus, GA. What area of Atlanta are you in?

Denise
mom to:
Parker, 9/1/1997
Wesley, 3/9/2000
and #3 (a girl!) due 4/29/2003

[deenass]

If you ahave parents that would be helpful (running errands, making dinner, doing laudry) then consider having them stay over. BUT, if they are like my parents and NOT self sufficient (my mother still asks me where the glasses ar in my kitche. A. I've lived here three years and have never moved them B.She could always open a few cabinets to find them, they aren't hiding!)

My parents will come up when the baby is born and stay in our hosue until I get home from the hospital, then go home (3 hours a way) then come back a week later for the baby's bris (but will stay in a hotel).

My in-laws, who are very capable of taking care of themselves (and us) will come in when the baby is born and stay 10-14 days. THEY will be helpful. It also helps that our guest room is in the basement and we are upstairs in a colonial, so guests have their own space, bathroom and TV ... so I can get away if I need to ... and so can they!

I feel for you with visitors wanting to come in your 8th month. I'm due tomorrow and my mom told me that she and my dad would like to come up this weekend. I told them they were welcome to come and stay in a hotel, but I DO NOT want them here (really don't want to go into labor with my parents luring around). I don't think they get it, but at this point, it's not about them, it's about me and what I need. My mom says its just because my dad is anxious to be a grandpa (maybe he thinks annoying me when I'm overdue will cause me to go into labor! :)

Sorry this is so long, just glad to see that it's not just my parents who seem to have lost their minds (and obviously forgotten how uncomfortable the last few weeks of pregnancy are!)

[egoldber]

Well, my MIL wanted to come right after Sarah was born. So LITERALLY, after they told me at the hospital that a baby was definitely coming today, DH called his mom and she was here within 6 hours. (She lives in Detroit and we are outside Washington DC. She flew here using DH's frequent flier miles.) And we were SOOOOOO glad.

My MIL does drive me a bit crazy, but it made life so much easier. When I was in the hospital, DH could stay with me instead of having to run home periodically throughout the day to take care of our pets. I delivered 3 weeks early, we had just moved into a new house and we were NOT prepared. She bought diapers, she went crib shopping (she has EXCELLENT taste and very similar to ours), she painted the nursery, she cooked, she cleaned, etc. She also drove me a bit nuts, but the good FAR outweighed the bad.

HTH,

[mama2be]

Flagger...you still might find yourself updating the web page...that might be bonding for you and the Mrs...I think as long as it is truely a bonding experience (and that kind of is :))...you might find yourself doing that maybe within seconds of entering the door. We did do some pics and it excited us. BUT again leave on your machines that you are turning off the ringers and not answering the door...this gives people a nice hint...and many people want to respect your time they just want STATS...and to know you are fine!!!! :)

[flagger]

Neve,

If my spouse has her way, she will have her laptop in the room with her finishing up on work between contractions. She is so stressed out right now about taking the time off for the baby. I keep telling her, she was this stressed about work before she was pregnant (apparently anothing thing to add to my list of things NOT to say to a pregnant woman). But I digress.

She might have me doing updates from the hospital if she brings her laptop.

[alkagift]

Denise,
I'm in Sandy Springs. My next door neighbor is from Columbus--still goes there to visit his family regularly! Small world!
Allison
Expecting #1 5/27/03

[MartiesMom2B]

My MIL wants to come too during the birth. However my parents will be there and staying with us. In addition, my MIL does not drive long distances (she lives in NJ, we live in NC). I will not have DH leave me to go pick her up at the hospital and DH says that he won't let her drive our cars. Of course we're blamed for moving away from her to NC, but that's another story. So I wish I could have the same support as you Beth.

We are having her stay with us for a week after my parents leave. Having her stay with us with my parents there would create WWIII.

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

[gravymommy3]

Allison,

I grew up in Roswell (back when Roswell was so small that we had to go to North Springs just to grocery shop). I now live in Dacula, but still drive to Dunwoody to the pediatrician (Dunwoody Peciatrics - love 'em!) Good luck on your little one.

[egoldber]

Could she take a taxi and meet you at the hospital? That is what my MIL did when she flew in. She took a taxi straight to the hospital from the airport.

HTH,

[MartiesMom2B]

Beth:

That's actually an option, or she could rent a car. Hopefully she'll be able to come down with my SIL who lives in Columbia, MD and they could drive down together. That way she'll have someone to keep her company so we won't have to entertain and they can get a hotel together.

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

[SASM]

I was upfront with my parents and told them that I wanted our first few days with Ian to ourselves as a family. If they wanted to come, they were more than welcome to AFTER my DH was back on his schedule (only 6 days after Ian's birth). Mom was quite understanding considering Ian is her first grandchild. They drove here the day before his birth and then drove back home a few hours after his birth (their choice). Then, they came back when Ian was 1.5 weeks old for a few days. This worked out great for us because I really wanted to get the hang of parenting before people started visiting - I didn't want to get used to relying on others, which would have been easy (I was still "a little" apprehensive) plus I did not want the stress of entertaining people while I was still recovering (sounds like this might be the case for you).

Good luck :-)

[August Mom]

My parents were at the hospital for the birth of their first grandchild and stayed in town while I was still in the hospital. My mom washed all the blue clothes (and returned the pink clothes she bought), went grocery shopping and did other things around the house before DS's homecoming. Then, they went home. (They live about 2 hours away). My MIL and FIL made a day-trip to visit on DS's fourth day of life. (They live about 3.5 hours away). DH took a week off of work and helped out. Then, my mom came back for 1.5 weeks. We weren't sure what to do. Both my mom and my MIL were willing to stay the first week or so. But, we decided that we wanted time to bond as a new family. Looking back, I'm really glad that we made this decision. We may not have known what we were doing at all times, but we experienced these situations together and it was a really special time.

[parkersmama]

We should all try to get together at some point! I'm probably close to 2 hours from Roswell/Sandy Springs but my college boyfriend was from there (Roswell) so I'm familiar with the area.

Denise
mom to:
Parker, 9/1/1997
Wesley, 3/9/2000
and #3 (a girl!) due 4/29/2003

[gravymommy3]

Denise,

Are you down near Calloway Gardens (or am I going in the wrong direction?) I live about 5 mins. from Mall of Georgia. I would be fun to get together (I have lots and lots of little girl baby clothes...:) )

[Mom 2 Katya]

We have a different situation - 1) My MIL lives with us, so she was obviously here from day one and 2) we live in Japan, so it's a little harder to come visit from the states. So my Mom came out for 2 months (right before Katya was born and she left when she was 6 weeks). It was a blessing for me to have the Moms around to help. They said that they felt a little useless at times because I am breastfeeding her, but once we started her on an occasional EBM bottle at 3 weeks, they were all too happy to help with the feedings. And since I'm going back to work in two weeks and my MIL will be the daytime caregiver for our DD, it's worked out well.

I know that I stepped on their toes some at first (I blamed it on my hormones!), but I wasn't shy about letting them know what I thought was best for my DD (they weren't too keen on my bfing at first.) And my DH was great, running interference for me if I didn't want a conflict. It was actually pretty hard to say goodbye to my Mom when she left - we probably won't get home to the states until Fall.
Dolly M

Mom to Katya, b. 1/29/03