Help-Identity crisis

[barbarhow]

I just had what was probably my last day of work before baby and I am freaking out. It's not like I am never going back, I'll be back P/T after 12 weeks-its just that it is such a huge part of me-I feel like I left a chunk of me at work. The strange thing is that I have never wanted anything but to be a mom. I guess I am not positive that I can do it as well as work-which I've done forever (or so it seems). Any thoughts?

[mama2be]

I'm sure what you're going thru is totally normal. I can assure you that you will master motherhood every bit as well as you've mastered anything in your life. I can see how you feel though...work is a "controlled environment" where you know what is expected of you...

You'll do splendid...please keep us posted on the arrival and all!!!
Don't think about work...it will be there when your ready to go back!!!

[mharling]

I am having similar feelings. I have been working P/T from home for the last few weeks and after next week will not work at all for a while.

My friends tell me, and I believe them, that babies have an amazing way of putting our priorities in place. I really believe that once our baby arrives, work will be the farthest thing from my mind.

Your feelings are completely normal and when the time comes, I'm sure you'll have no problem figuring out the work/baby balance. And if you do, I may be going through the same thing and we can work through it together!!

Mary
EDD 4/5/03

[hbangthompson]

I can understand how you feel. My husband is a PhD student and I'm a PT attorney and our son was born during my husband's winter break (12/13/01). I was 29 when Nicholas was born, and before then, I went to law school and then worked FT. After Nicholas was born, my mom stayed with us for 3 weeks and my husband was home for 3 weeks as well. When my mom (and family) went home and my husband's classes started again, I remember sitting at home on my first day alone with Nicholas thinking, wow, this is not the life I am used to. I guess I was used to identifying myself professionally and I wasn't so sure I could pull off the mom thing. But you learn quickly with a baby and it wasn't long before I became the expert on Nicholas. And now, I am Nicholas' mama first and everything else after that and I can't imagine it any other way.

I'm sure you'll be a great mom - good luck with your little one.

[lmintzer]

I really hear you on this one. I defended my dissertation (in clinical psychology) when I was 14 weeks pregnant, so I didn't get a chance to feel like "Dr. Lisa" for very long before "Mommy Lisa" took over. And our son had such a rough start with colic, substantial nursing problems, discontent with being a baby, etc., that I wound up staying home far longer than I expected (19 months). I now work 3 days/week and am plugging away at a post-doc. But I really do struggle with moving up and back between the two roles. I know the transition is easier for some, but for me, it's been tough, probably because my new mom experience was so overwhelming and overshadowed just about anything else.

It DOES feel strange to be home with a newborn, dressed in sweats, barely having the time to shower let alone fix yourself up, after you are used to operating in a professional realm. It can be lonely and frustrating, and it's pretty normal for people to wonder, at times, "why did I do this?"

Having a child really forces one to re-define who they are---it throws everything off balance, and it takes a while to find that equilibrium again. It's great that you are voicing your concerns (and thinking abou them) now. For a lot of people, I think they kind of creep up on them after the baby.

I haven't offered any answers, but this post is a just a way to say I know what you are going through. We're all here to slog through it with you. : )

Lisa
& Jack, 4/20/01

[Rachels]

I agree. I wrote my dissertation about childbirth partly because I was so astonished that psychologists don't talk much about it. It's the moment that symbolizes a change in everything about your identity, mind, body, and spirit. That deserves some attention, I think. The good news is that there are SO many things to love about motherhood. You won't even believe it. But there ate hard times, too, and changes, and lots of losses. I think grieving those is really important. We're here for you.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[barbarhow]

Thank you all so much. I feel 50% better today. Between reading what you have all posted, talking to my boss this morning and to a couple of friends-I'm better. I think alot of it is also my discomfort right now. I am too tired to feel like doing anything, seem to be too tired to even nap. I feel like every step I take is an effort. 4 days til due date but am minimally dilated (1cm) so figure I'm in this for the long haul.
I agree-the psych community doesn't talk much about this at all. I am a psych nurse practitioner and am surprised at the minimal attention that pregnancy and related issues get. It seems that if one doesn't have full blown postpartum depression the psych community doesn't see much to talk about. Can't help but wonder how much of the baby blues is related to the lack of preparation for the changes in our lives. Until yesterday I had never even broached the subject with friends. What a relief that I did. But they had never really talked about how the changes had affected them. Strange how sometimes women just suck it up and do what they have to do.
Barbara-mom to be-soon, I hope.

[KathyO]

Once you're good and into the baby-raising phase, I'd recommend reading Vicki Iovine's "The Girlfriends' Guide to Getting Your Groove Back - Loving Your Family Without Losing Your Mind". She never does give you a definitive answer as to what your "groove" really is, or what constitutes having it back, but that's kind of the point... the answer is different for everyone, and she takes you through some thought-provoking (and very funny) territory on the way.

My daughter is two, and I'm only just beginning to feel a little more comfortable with some of the gigantic changes (physical, emotional, professional, marital, friendship-wise, you name it) that she has wrought in my life. Vicki's point is well taken - the more you struggle to get "the old me" back, the more frustrated and unhappy you'll be. Now you have to define a new "you", and it's a big job, with more way balls to keep in the air than before. And it's a lot harder to tell when you're doing it well, unlike in the working world, where someone gives you a raise and/or a pat on the back if you've done a good job. And the mommy job is shorter on visible accomplishments, because (A) a clean diaper and a full baby never remain that way, (B) milestones (toilet training, bed sleeping) can come unstuck again for no apparent reason, and (C) kids are unlikely to compliment you on how you handled their tantrum in the grocery store today. As a result, you spend a lot of your time convinced that you're the world's worst mom...

All the best in the weeks to come - you WILL love it, really!!

KathyO