how do you survive / do it?

[etwahl]

how do you just even go to the bathroom, let alone anything else, when you have a baby who cries when not being held?

am i being too hard on myself in thinking this isn't normal? is it normal? any suggestions for coping?

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[egoldber]

It really is normal! And the answer is, you just get by. I don't think anyone can properly prepare someone for how staggeringly HARD the first few weeks with a newborn are. The fact that you are doing so WELL without anyone there to support you is an absolute MARVEL to me. You are a tower of strength and fortitude like I have seldom seen!

Some thoughts:

Do you have a swing? Many babies love the swing. If it gives you a few minutes peace, it's worth it!

It IS possible to go to the bathroom with a baby in a sling/Bjorn! But it does take practice :)

Also, while it will break your heart, I guarantee that it will NOT hurt Lauren to cry for a minute while you go to the bathroom. It is not preferable, but in your situation, I think that sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

HTH,

[flagger]

Intensive studies with double blind testing and exacting NASA standards of parents found that they all made mistakes with their first born child and with their second, third and even fourth (ME) sometimes as well. ;) Somehow we all managed to grow up not the worse for wear because of it.

You are on OTJ training for which the manual got thrown out the window with the first breath of air your beautiful daughter took. You are doing great and one day it will all click.

I promise.

Said he who has yet to have his first child with authority.

[etwahl]

i have a swing - not set up yet. is she old enough/big enough? is it safe for her to be left alone in it for a few minutes? will the cats try to get in the swing?

i also have the fisher price kick n play bouncer. is she big enough for that as well?

i tried the sling today, but it seemed sooo hot. am i crazy? she seemed to like it for a few minutes, but cried shortly after.

i appreciate the kind words, but i don't feel like a tower of strength. in fact, i feel like a blubbering fool/failure/fraud. i know/hope it will get better with time, but sometimes it sure doesnt' feel like it.

also, what about when i need more than a minute, e.g.to prepare a meal. it just breask my heart to hear her cry. i keep thinking back about all those posts where moms said not to let their baby cry. this stuff is all sooo incredibly scary. i am thankful for one thing - that i didn't decide to attempt cding. that would hav emost certainly put me over the edge.

sorry for the typing - mixture of two-handed struggling typing and one-handed typing with her over my shoulder

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[anna lisa]

Do you have another bouncy seat besides that Fisher Price one?

That's the one reason I'm not fond of that Rocker/Bouncer, it can't be used by a newborn.

This Babytrend Rock n Rest is very very comfy for a newborn. I feel at least it's a safe place to put the baby down when you need to do something:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000067BJ0/qid=1048299214/br=1-11/ref=br_lf_ba_11//102-3904617-8586510?v=glance&s=baby&n=549054

I've had girlfriends who swear by their bouncy seats. It allows you to go to the bathroom and keep the baby in the doorway comfy in their seat. Plus, in the kitchen, you can prepare a meal and the baby can sit on the countertop.

This reminds me, did you catch the Sex and the City episode with Samantha babysitting?? The batteries died on the bouncy seat and I don't think I can mention what she used to "vibrate" the seat until Miranda came home - hysterical!!

You are doing an amazing job! It's the toughest job in the world, but the most rewarding!

[ddmarsh]

My kids have all totally adored the swing (as did I when I saw their reactions :)) and the boucy seat has also done pretty well here. This is the first time I've had a boppy and even at one week Lily really seemed to like lying on it - maybe you could try that if you have one, they are such a nice comfy spot and you could lay it on the floor by you in the bathroom, kitchen, etc.

Hang in there, before you know it you'll realize you really have the hang of it!

Debbie

[daisymommy]

Oh my gosh honey...boy is it normal. I just tried looking for the looonnngg thread from when my son and Gannon were very small, because we were partners in pain on this topic. I was actually in depression for awhile because it seemed I couldn't get a shower, eat, or do any other necessary things without Josh wailing fromnot being held.

He soon learned to enjoy the bouncy seat sat outside the shower, adn I'd play peek-a-boo with him every 30 seconds (so much for a leisurely shower:) I also started carrying him in a sling whenever possible. I bought quick-to-make breakfast and lunch foods such as bakery muffins and a bannna for breakfast (both of which can be eaten with only one hand!), hot pockets for lunch or a sandwhich I made the night before, etc. I also hired a cleaning service to come once a month (that's all we could afford), and I didn't worry about cleaning other than that. With hubby gone, use paper plates and cups(who cares!), and do just one load of laundry a day. Try to shower when she naps, but sleep during every other nap time that you can! Other than that, forget about feeling responsible for anything else. You are a mommy right now, and that is your top job,. Everything else can wait. So many people told me this, and I didn't listen. I was too hard on myself, it got me nowhere, but in depression. Please don't do this to yourself as well!

I'll tell you. Everyone said it would get better, adn I alomost didn't believe them, because Josh was colicy and it was SO BAD! But it DID get better. He is so much more independent, and each month I have found myself getting more and more accomplished throughout the day. One day I realized it was noon, and I had actually showered, eaten two meals, and was no longer in my batrobe in the middle of the day. It didn't happen overnight, it took time (around 3 months was a big milestone in change in our house.)

I am a former navy-brat daughter, whose mother SAH with my brother and I while my father was gone most of the time (for 1.5 years during Dessert Storm)--I know what you are going through, as I remember her life. I would definetly suggest getting together with the other military moms during this time for some much needed emotional, mental, and physical support (a nap every now and then does a body wonders!)
Know that it will not always be like this. Life does get easier :) And in the meantime, we're all here for you!

[egoldber]

As long as you have the swing fully reclined, you can use it right away. You can use a receiving blanket or two to keep her steadier in the swing.

As far as I know, there is no minimum age for the KickNPlay bouncer. I checked the FP website, but they didn't have the manual on-line. I have the FP Infant to Toddler Rocker, which if anything would be LESS suitable for a newborn, and it is suitable from birth, as long as it is in the fully reclined position.

Definitely start using the bouncer and the swing! (Maybe a kindly friend or neighbor could put the swing together for you?)

HTH,

[Annette_C]

Tammy,
I understand how overwhelming having a brand new baby feels....especially when you're doing the job alone. I wish we lived closer so I could come over and give you a hand.
Like Flagger said, it will click sooner than you think. Is Lauren taking naps? She should be sleeping a lot since she's a newborn. Try to do things when she's napping.
It's ok to put her in the bouncy seat and even in the infant car seat (some babies nap very well there).
I used a bassinette with a vibrating and music feature for the first couple of months of Sabrina's life and she slept well in there.
Things will get easier...I promise!
Hang in there and remember we're here for you.
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[momathome]

Hi, Tammy-
I feel for you. I too had a little cling-monster whom I swear suffered from separation anxiety at 3 weeks old. If ANYONE held her but me (including DH) she would just wail her head off. I ate many meals with her in my arms and spent many days where she never left my arms. It was both frustrating and exhausting. However, it's a passing faze and just try to use this time to discover what techniques are going to comfort her, whether it be the swing, bouncy seat, Baby Bjorn, whatever works. And rest assured, if she cries during the 5 minutes it takes you to shower, she will not be talking about her mother's "abandonment" of her to Oprah in 15 years! Take care of yourself and take advantage of any well-meaning offers from family, friends or neighbors to go grocery shopping for you, do your laundry, or watch the baby for an hour just so you can rest - you don't need to be in this alone and you'll feel much better if you are not carrying all of this on your shoulders alone. By the time your baby is 3 months old, you will be an old pro and have Lauren's schedule down pat. I think it was around that time that I remembered how to breath again! Good luck and take care!
-Lauren

[August Mom]

We have the FP Kick and Play Bouncer and we used it when DS was a newborn. Just make sure you assemble it with the back seat frame bending toward the ground. Does that make sense? That makes a nice recline for a newborn. One of my friends assembled it the opposite way, with the bend in the seat pointing forward and it made the seat way too upright for a young baby. DS LOVED the vibration. He took many a nap in the bouncer.

[nohomama]

It's true...you can go to the bathroom with a baby in a sling/Bjorn. It may take practice, but you'll be surprised how quickly you get the hang of it. Once you've gotten that down you can progress to holding the baby (yes, that's right, without the aide of the sling/Bjorn) and undoing your pants, etc. one-handed. Necessity IS the mother of invention.

But seriously, Beth is right, you ARE a tower. You're under incredible physical and emotional stress and yet somehow Lauren is being fed and getting her diaper changed on a regular basis. That is what I call success.

The next skills to cultivate are asking for help and ordering take-out. We'd all love to pop over and cook you a meal but most of us aren't in a geographic position to do so. The next time you get a phone call from someone who wants to know how you're doing (and is in San Diego), say "thanks for asking, what I really need is..." Perhaps the person on the other end won't be able to help, but you'll never know if you don't ask. In terms of the take-out, the most complicated part of that is finding a place that delivers too.

Swings and bouncy seats are great suggestions and hopefully others will have more, but I just want to second what Beth said about letting Lauren cry. A few minutes here and there is NOT going to cause lasting emotional trauma. Loving and caring for you're baby does not mean holding-it for hours until she's asleep and you can go to the bathroom without her crying. It means feeding and changing and snuggling and being present and aware... But it also means taking care of yourself so you're able to do all those things. If that means a few minutes of crying so you can pee or bathe, so be it.

You really are doing a fantastic job. Have faith. You WILL get through this.

[himom]

Hi Tammy,

I have this exact problem.

Unfortunately the only solution I can come up with is to wait until Josh is in the deepest possible sleep, put him down, then run around crazy brushing my teeth, throwing something together to eat, and trying to put in a load of laundry etc.

If he wakes up when I put him down (often), I'm out of luck. Most of the time he'll sleep for at least 10 minutes and I can get at least one thing done.

After 4 weeks I kind of threw out the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice because the messy house was driving me crazy. This means I'm tired but much happier.

It has been much better the last couple of weeks since I think the more I put him down to sleep the more he understands the concept and stays down. Perhaps Lauren will do the same???

Jodi
Mommy to Joshua Keoni, 2/8/03
P.S. You and your family are in our prayers!

[jubilee]

The manual on the FP Aquarium Bouncer says from newborn on. Check your manual on your style.

[caroliner]

Tammy, I definitely feel your pain. Caroline wanted to be held 24/7... She was not a big swing fan... She was OK in the bouncy, but not until she was older than Lauren and even then, I had to sit right with her... I mastered the Baby Bjorn bathroom thing... Weird, but necessary. Some babies want to be held all the time and are very vocal in letting you know it. Do you have a Bjorn? Get her in it. It gets SO much easier and there is light at the end of the tunnel.... Where are you in San Diego? I live here too, so if you need some help, e-mail me... I am no expert, but I have lived through 9 months!

[ctsiouts]

It is DEFINITELY a normal stage, especially for a newborn. Now obviously not all newborns are like this, but many are, including mine when she was first born. I didn't really have anyone around to help me because my husband was at work all day and even late at night and we don't have family here. In the beginning I used to take my showers at night when DH could hold her for 5 short minutes, at least that way if she was crying I knew there wasn't much we could do about it. Also you could try using the bouncy seat in the bathroom. Or, as others have said, make sure your baby is not crying for any particular reason and then put her/him? in a safe place and *quick quick quick* take a shower and do your thing!
It's really a shame the sling doesn't work for you because that was my big savior. We use the new native and it is very lightweight cotton, not bulky or heavy at all. Usually Anya would fall asleep in 5 minutes of me placing her in it and walking around with her.
I'll admit that in the beginning it was almost impossible for me to get anything done but it DID and it WILL get better. The swing was amazing for about a month - though she tired of it quickly.
Anyway, if you need to talk to anyone you can email me at [email protected]
Good luck!
Christy

[Rachels]

It's okay for her to cry for a few minutes. It's sad, but it won't hurt her. There's a big difference in putting her down for a few minutes while you go to the bathroom or fix a sandwich and something like leaving her alone for a long while in a dark room to cry. I always lay Abby down on the bathroom rug. At least then I could talk to her. You can't make it so Lauren never feels upset, but you CAN help her feel loved even when she's crying.

You don't have to feel strong to be strong. You're going to be okay. The first weeks are really hard.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[sntm]

Ha! One of the best moments on the show this last season. The killer was the look on the kid's face.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03

[jojo2324]

Hi Tammy!! Sorry I am late coming to this...You are absolutely doing a perfect job here! Don't discount the fact that you are going this alone right now. Like Amy said, it seemed like Gannon and Josh were partners in crime. :) But they are great kids now. And it doesn't even sound like Lauren is running along those lines; YOU are doing the job of two people and of course you are exhausted. And hormones are still mucking about. (Do they ever leave? :))

A few things:

Do you have the Tiny Love Symphony in Motion mobile? It's expensive at $40, but SO WORTH IT. It gives you 15 minutes to shower, eat, brush your teeth, cat nap. You don't have to rewind it, just hit the button and have some YOU time. Gannon was absolutely mesmerized by it.

Vacuum cleaner? Or dishwasher? I used to roll Gannon into the kitchen in his stroller and run the dishwasher. Also, a sheepskin helped too, which I would use in the stroller. The vacuum would usually make him fall asleep after only a few minutes of it being on. You get used to the noise.

We had two swings, a Graco open-top swing, and a FP Sounds and Lights swing. The FP one we could put on the table or some other elevated surface. If it's raised, maybe that would deter the cats from hopping in...Have you tried a squirt bottle yet? I will send you one if you don't have the chance to get one. The Graco swing was great. We reclined it all the way and he would sleep in that too. Just use some rolled up towels to support her neck.

You are doing a fantastic job. If I lived within a day's travel from you, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Even though we can't be there in person, know that all of us here are pulling for you, and I for one am absolutely amazed at your strength. If you need anything, please write me or call. Things will get better, I promise.

[sweetbasil]

Tammy,
Sorry I'm just getting to add my encouragement now...really, the bouncy seat was the best thing that happened to me when DS was born. I always said it was the only way I could take a bath and get ready in the mornings (I tried to get that all done in two 15-min. music/vibration cycles on the bouncy seat)...sometimes, instead, I'd lay a blanket out on the floor and let ds lay on that (the door closed so the curious puppy couldn't get in). And sometimes he'd cry, but that didn't mean I could hold it all day long, ya know?

It'll get better soon. I mean, DS is almost 2 1/2 now and still wants to know when I'm going, if he can pass me toilet paper, etc. and I hear that bathroom privacy is virtually gone once a child enters the picture, but I'm not carrying him in there with me or anything.

Take it easy....

[atlbaby]

Tammy, sorry I'm getting here a bit late. I just want to echo what everyone else has said about bouncy seats--they really are great! I could put Arielle in it and take a quick shower and then bring the bouncy in my room while I got changed.

I never tried wearing the baby bjorn to try and go to the bathroom, but I'm sure it could work! It is so hard to put them down and hear them cry, but you have to go to the bathroom and Lauren will be fine for a few minutes!

You are doing such an amazing job!!

-Rachel
Mom to Arielle Jill, 10/30/01
#2:) EDD 10/24/03

[LisaS]

You may want to try putting her down on the Gymini - we put my DD there from 10 days old and she LOVED to look at the toys. She would fuss at first when we put her down, but after a minute, she was fine. She'd stay there for 20-30 minutes...it took time to build up to that, but she did. If you try getting her used to being happy places other than your arms at a really early age, it will help.

Also, I know how awful it is to listen to even whimpers when they're so new, but what I found often, was that even if sarah cried when I put her down at first, it was usually just for a minute or 2 and then she stopped and looked around at wherever she was and got used to it and got happier as she got more comfortable in her surroundings.

I used my Combi Bouncy Activity Rocker also from 1 week (the vibrating feature was a lifesaver) - no problems there - I think the FP would be fine now too, as would the swing (I used my Graco 6 Speed from 2 weeks, fully reclined, which she liked so much that I bought an FP take-a-long swing as well)

I also used to put her in the pram in the living room and just rock her back and forth for a few minutes and she'd usually go to sleep there - just another option of a place to put her. I'd sit on the computer typing and pushing the pram back and forth with my foot.

One other thing is if you're able to get help, take it -- if you have a helpful family member (mom or MIL) -- or if not, if you could (financially) swing a doula or baby nurse or night nurse for a little while, they are a huge help...even if you wake up to nurse - that is all you have to do...or you could let them give lauren a bottle of EBM (which plenty of people do very early on with no problems) so you can have a stretch of sleep longer than 2 hours which will make you feel like a new woman.

Just a few suggestions.

[smomom]

I haven't read through all of the replies, but during the first few weeks the only way I got anything done was by strapping the little guy in the baby bjorn. It was my godsend. The next best thing was the symphony in motion mobile. I could lay him in the crib for a few minutes and get something done. I also took advantage of the baby einstein tapes when he was a little over a month old. I put ds in the vibrating boucy seat and he enjoyed the show (well, what he could see of it). I, too found it very difficult to hear the crying.

It's not a lot of consolation now, but it gets better. At about the 3 month mark everything comes together. Lauren will become more responsive to you and less dependent. And you will have figured out the little tricks that work just for her.

hang in there!

[kransden]

You had my baby!!!
It is horrible, but it will get better. I would tell her I have to put you down to make a sandwich, eat etc. She still cried, but she heard my voice while I was gone. Which seemed to make me feel better. Then I got a fisher price cradle swing. The other types are usually for older babies.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/baby/B00006C29I/qid=1048709480/sr=2-1/ref=sr_2_1/102-4835904-7090503
That was the ONLY peace I ever got until she was 3 months old. It is worth its weight in gold. She is just now 5 months and has discovered her feet! I actually have 10-30 minutes to myself! Hang in there we know what you are going through and are rooting for you!

Karin

[etwahl]

Lauren LOVES her FP cradle swing (aquarium one) and mommy loves it even more. So far I haven't used it too much (once a day for the last couple days for MAYBE a half hour). I'm afraid of "over-using" it. but she just sleeps in it. Would it be bad to leave her in it for as long as she slept? What if she slept for say 2 hours? isn't that too much? I'm just so clueless when it comes to this stuff.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[bnme]

I leave DS in it if he is sleeping, but I turn the swing off after a while. I did feel guilty about doing it and over using it, but he seems fine and he really enjoys watching the mobile so I let him. My son spends up to hours in it a day sometimes...not always consecutively.

[COElizabeth]

I personally wouldn't worry about her sleeping in a swing for a couple of hours, but then I somehow ended up with my baby sleeping in his car seat all night for a couple of months, so obviously I wasn't too strict. But I do really believe you should have a GOOD reason to wake a sleeping baby!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[kransden]

I forgot to tell you the most important thing. My daughter has REFLUX. Any time she was put down it was a problem. So she sleeps on an incline. I let her sleep propped up on the boppy during the day.(I was always in the room watching)and now she is on Zantac. Check with your doctor to see if that is the problem. I didn't know until I took her to daycare and she started having screaming fits. They put her on her back a lot.

My baby would sleep in her swing all day if I let her. LOL
So I figure a normal baby would nap for an hour or two. So I let her have an hour to 1 1/2 hours. Sometimes she wakes up and sometimes she will go back to sleep in the crib. Usually she is awake and ready for another hit of mom's special "hooter juice".

Karin

[Tracey]

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0972179518/002-2912689-6416816


I suggest the video tape instead of the book...like you have time to read a book :O). I am due to be induced next Wed., but I have friends who claim this miracle worker saved their sanity. I have been practicing the techniques with a doll myself! Check out the reviews.

[Melanie]

That is how my son slept from about 8 weeks to 5 months. It didn't do him any harm at all. He liked side to side. We didn't always have it on, most often it was not until he fussed. I would usually put him in it, then swing it while I sang until he slept. When he stirred, his movement would get it to rock again and so he stayed asleep. If I was trying to get him to sleep and I couldn't, I would put him in that turned on, when he fell asleep I turned it off. (note, I never put or left him in it crying)

Don't worry...she'll outgrow it eventually and then you'll find something new that works. For the meantime, you're home alone and need some sanity! Don't let people worry you about 3-4-5-6 months from now!

I'm just hoping that aquarium one is still around for baby #2. Our old one still works, but that looks so cool!

Ds also slept in his infant seat a lot. He just didn't like to lay flat on his back. Of course, he got used to that real happily when I learned to nurse him laying down.


>Lauren LOVES her FP cradle swing (aquarium one) and mommy
>loves it even more. So far I haven't used it too much (once
>a day for the last couple days for MAYBE a half hour). I'm
>afraid of "over-using" it. but she just sleeps in it. Would
>it be bad to leave her in it for as long as she slept? What
>if she slept for say 2 hours? isn't that too much? I'm just
>so clueless when it comes to this stuff.
>
>Tammy,
>Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[JulieL]

Tammy,
I think it is Fisher Price that has a swing that looks like a bouncer chair, it's a little more reclined than an actual swing. I even think you can find it at BRU by the bouncer chairs. It's small and folds in half you can take it anywhere with you, which is great for visits to family etc. out of your house. It's perfectly normal for her to cry a lot. Babies that young have no other way to communicate. They don't smile, usually, and don't laugh yet or coo. So she is just trying to speak to her mama. Sometimes you just have to let her cry. Not for long periods, but if you have to do something (use the restroom, throw in a load of laudry cause she has used all her spit up rags!, or whatever) just do it. She will be ok. Hang in there, I know it's hard.

-JulieL
mama to Anthony 3/23/02

[Momof3Labs]

I agree that this is a GREAT book! I haven't seen the video but wished that I had read the book before Colin was born, instead of when he was 2 months old. I will say that the techniques almost completely stopped working around 3.5 months old, right about when the "fourth trimester" ends.