Am I overreacting?? Need advice......Long, sorry

[VickiH]

I am going back to work this Monday (don't want to, we need the $$). We have hired a nanny to take care of DS...she seemed great, a little young, but she was working for a childcare agency in town that only hires experienced, screened caregivers, so I felt pretty good about our choice. So, here is what has me upset and having second thoughts about her:

1.Last week when we spoke to make arrangemnts for this week (I wanted to see her in action before going back to work, and to make sure Michael was comfortable with her) she tells me that she found a playmate for DS, a 6 month old that she cared for through the agency, I say ok, great, he'll socialize, etc. She then tells me she'll be going to this womans house to watch that baby on Mondays from 9-12, is it OK? I am totally caught off guard and say ok, although I am not comfortable with it.

2.She barely cleaned him when she changed him. It was only pee, but I do a thourough wipe down every time. DS has never had diaper rash.

3.She told me she always forgets to change one of the toddlers she watches.

4.She was 10 min late yesterday.

5.Today she took him to the park - I told her to be back by 3. I ask if she has a watch, no, so I lend her one of mine. When she brought him back I had to remind her to give me back the housekeys. I forgot to ask for the watch, and of coures she still has it.

6.She told me she brought him to her house on the way to the park so she could get something to drink.

7.The last 3 days she was supposed to be here 10-3. The last two days at 3 I say ok, thank you, you can take off now. She proceeds to sit and talk while I am onviously doing othe stuff (laundry, fixing dinner, talking on phone) and doesn't leave till almost 5. Today I told her I was going shopping to get her to leave.

8.She keeps referring to the agency woman as her boss. I am worried she is still going to accept clients and take DS with her to watch other babies.

A big thing also is that I am really bad at confronting people - I just keep my mouth shut out of some sort of fear - I don't want to offend anyone, make them mad, etc. So that is why I haven't said anything.

I told DH all of this, and that I am not comfortable with her anymore. He thinks I am overreacting, and we had a huge fight. I have asked him to please call her and tell her she is not allowed to bring DS to other people's homes, even her own, and she cannot watch other babies while she is watching DS. The reason I wanted someone to come to my home was so he would not be in too much of a new situation, and around babies who may be sick. I do not want to be worried about him the entire time I am at work. Just leaving him is hard enough. I know that no one can take care of him the way I do, but is this too much. Should DH talk to her about my discomfort, or should we fire her and find someone else?? Am I a crazy, perfectionist, overreacting mommy, or are my fears justified?
I am miserable thinking about this.

Thanks for reading, and I really appreciate any advice and words of wisdom.

[MartiesMom2B]

Vicki:

I think you have 8 very legitimate reasons to find a new nanny. Did you hire her through the agency? Is there a way that you can have her replaced? I don't think that you should leave your son with someone that you aren't 100% comfortable with. I definitely don't think you should be miserable about this and that you'll need to do something whether you talk to her about all of your concerns and see if she'll change or go ahead and get someone new.

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

[mharling]

I agree. If there are this many things after week one to make you uncomfortable (and I believe justifiably so), you'll never be completely comfortable with her. In no way do I think you're being picky or overreacting. You need to do what's going to make you feel better about leaving for work each day. I am a firm believer that if you're paying for a service, it needs to be up to your expectations. Anything else and you're not getting your money's worth.

Mary
EDD 4/5/03

[egoldber]

A few of those things by themselves, may or may not be a problem (I am sort of guilty of #2 myself sometimes). But some of them are BIG concerns (like #1). But all 8 in the FIRST week? I agree with the others, you should find yourself a new nanny. And I would DEFINITELY complain to the agency about these issues.

Good luck!

[Rachels]

New nanny, new nanny! This doesn't sound like a good situation. If you have to leave your baby, you need to be able to do so knowing that he is in loving, capable hands, and that your ways of doing things are honored and respected. Give this girl the boot.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[jojo2324]

Oh Vicki!! I am so sorry! This stinks. I went through this too...Actually I am going through it now. I am working already, but ask anyone within a 50 state radius and they can tell you I don't want to. We have somebody lined up, and she seems great. But her English is not so good (ie, she said "yes" a lot while I was talking to her, even when it was wildly inappropriate). I told DH today that I had reservations about her, because what if what if what if. But then deep down I wonder if I am just trying to sabotage this so that I can be home full time. :(

But your story, on the other hand, has me worried too! They don't call it mother's intuition for nothin'!! And like the previous poster said, if it's enough to make you this worried, and this is through a TRIAL RUN, then you are completely justified! That's why there are trial runs, for exactly this reason. And if you did hire her through an agency, I would just call up and express your concerns, and ask their policies about nannies working several jobs at once, etc. A reputable agency should be able to take those concerns of yours and ease them any way necessary, most easily by finding you a replacement.

I really hope that everything works out...I know and can sympathize with you. Please let us know of any developments! Hang in there! :D

[VickiH]

I think DH thinks I am sabotaging too....

Oh, and I forgot #9 - she broke the hood on my beloved Chicco 2002 stroller today......

Thanks so much ladies - I feel better knowing I am not a lunatic...now if I can just convince DH.....I'll let you all know what happens.

[dd_ani]

I agree -- find a new arrangement asap! You want-- no, you *need* -- to feel comfortable with where your child will be when you cannot watch him. If she has done all of these things in the trial week, I would be very worried about what else might happen in the future. Sure, you might chalk it up to her being young and inexperienced, but her behaviour is still inexcusable.

Your DH, if he is anything like mine, probably just doesn't want to deal with the situation. So, you will probably have to take care of it. Don't think of it so much as confronting her -- that sounds difficult and uncomfortable -- as letting her know that it seems that her services will be much better appreciated elsewhere by all of these other parents eager to leave their children in her care......

I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice on finding a new nanny -- my experience in that regard is limited to reading the Nanny Diaries. However, you might reconsider using a daycare facility. Again, you have to be very careful in screening them as well, but there are a lot of good ones out there. For the infants, it can be a little stressful, but as they get to be a year or more, the kids really enjoy interacting and there are a lot of good activities at some of the better centers. A good way to find someone you will be comfortable with is to ask your friends and neighbors (believe me, people will tell you what they really think!) and to visit several. You might also check with your state -- ours has an agency that will send you the last few inspection reports. Plus, with a facility, you have the added advantage of knowing that 1. The caregivers are all properly screened. 2. The caregivers will often have degrees in early childhood education or some more education in their field. 3. There is someone else overseeing what is going on all day. 4. There is some backup in case your caregiver is ill or unavailable for a day.

I know it is hard to leave your little guy. I was really apprehensive about leaving DD, and I have her at the same center where DH went from the time he was six-weeks old. (The lady who used to change his diapers is now the center director!) So I knew DD would get extra good care, but we still took the steps of checking out their inspections and looking at other centers in the area. And yes, kids in daycare do get a few more illnesses than other kids, but they can also pick them up other places! And they are often healthier by the time they go to school because they have built up a good immune system!

Good luck. You are a good mommy, so you will get through this and find the perfect place for your little guy!

Michelle

[Naomi]

Hi,

As another woman who has a terrible time with confrontation, I feel your pain. I really think, however, that you have good reason to feel not quite right about this situation, and would start looking for some kind of replacement childcare. If/when you find an alternative, perhaps you can call the agency to fire this nanny rather than do it directly, if that makes it easier. Your son's welfare (as you well know) is much too important for you to feel insecure about this.

[COElizabeth]

I absolutely think you need to be comfortable with your baby's caregiver, and I also agree with the previous poster that you might be more likely to find the degree of professionalism you want if you go to a good-quality center. I feel pretty horrible, though, because before I read the other posts I didn't think those things sounded all that bad. I have seen a lot of mothers change diapers, and I don't think I have ever seen someone use a wipe for a baby with just a wet diaper. And I don't own a working watch currently and could easily forget to give someone back their keys (I do keep track of time pretty well with my house and car clocks or the old standby of asking someone what time it is). Or she may have thought you intended her to keep the keys so she could get back in the house after she takes your baby on outings. And she does sound honest and friendly. At least she asked you if it was okay to do dual duty one morning a week and told you she stopped for a drink at her house (I am assuming this was a soda or something, not a beer - that would definitely be a real problem!).

I'm not saying you should be comfortable with all these things, just that they aren't all inherently bad, and it's possible that you might be able to work things out by clarifying your expectations - IF she is receptive to them and seems genuinely committed to meeting them. Only you can be the judge of that - none of us knows her.

I am exactly the same way about confronting people, so I know how reluctant you might be to do that, but I think you will need to be able to discuss issues and differences with anyone you hire. If you don't think you can with her or don't think she will respond well, get someone else, by all means. One final thought. I agree that you should be able to set expectations on things that are important to you, but I think that you want someone whose judgment you trust to make good decisions when you aren't there and when he or she is in a situation you haven't explicitly described. In that sense I think childcare is very different from many other "services." Good luck finding a situation that makes you all comfortable!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[JulieL]

New Nanny!!! The first week she is probably on her "best" behavior. I would be worried what she would do when you weren't around. It just sounds like she is to immature to be a nanny no to irrisponcible. Your work will have a big problem if you are late a lot because of your nanny. Get someone you trust. It's your child, he can't speak up for himself, you as the mom have to do that! Tell DH he doesn't have a choice, a new nanny or no nanny!

-JulieL
mama to Anthony 3/23/02

[ddmarsh]

I am a firm believer that our instincts always guide us and I think it sounds like yours is talking to you. When you look at each occurence individually you could dismiss it as being a fluke - it's when you look at the big picture that you get the sense this is someone who is not focused on you and your child and who may not be trustworthy. I remember the author of a book about children and safety saying that he does not believe in "nanny cams" because when you are to that point your instincts are already telling you something is wrong.

Good luck - I'm sure this is the last thing you needed on top of the stress of returning to work.

Debbie

[COElizabeth]

I agree with Debbie's reference on the nanny cams. I think that it's insulting to your caregiver's judgment, and if you don't trust the caregiver in the first place, you shouldn't be leaving a baby with him or her. That's the point I was trying to make at the end of my post - that no matter what instructions you give or how much monitoring you have, there will be times when it's up to the caregiver's judgment to make a good decision for your child, and you need to be able to rely on that judgment. I also agree with instincts. Having thought about it a little more, I still think those things might not be all that bad or could be excused in one way or another, but it sounds like you have an overall bad feeling about her, and that is something you should not ignore. If you thought this was someone you could trust and with whom you could work out differences, you probably wouldn't have posted even if a few of these things had happened. Does that make sense? Again, best wishes to you. I really hope you find a situation that works for all of you.

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[mamahill]

Another vote for a NEW NANNY! I just wanted to wish you well in whatever confrontation is ahead, and say best wishes in finding a nanny YOU love. (Freddie Prinze Jr as the nanny on Friends? heehee)

[VickiH]

Again, I must thank all of you. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and insight. Yes, if it were just one or two things, I could live with it, but all around I think she is immature, forgetful and somewhat lazy - none of this came across in the interview. I just have visions of her getting locked out with the baby or going back to her house and napping all day. My gut feelings and instincts are telling me no. DH said he will fire her if I feel strongly about it...pay her for the time she was here and get my watch back. My mom also volunteered to watch DS until I can find someone. It is an hours drive to my parents, so it will be ok for the time. I just wish my mom could watch him everyday. I am working on DH to move closer to my paretns so my mom can take over baby duty and save us some money.

Again, thnk you - I feel better knowing that other mommies agree.

[MartiesMom2B]

Vicki:

Good luck. I'm glad that your hubby will take care of things for you. I hope everything works out for your childcare.

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03

[Annette_C]

Vicki,
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I'm a little late but I agree with you and everyone else here: NEW NANNY!
She doesn't sound like a responsible person and I would not feel comfortable leaving my baby with her!
I, like you, don't like confrontations either but you are paying for this service and you have the right to get what you want.
I hope things turn out well for you. E-mail me if you want to talk.
Good luck,
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[mama2be]

I so don't have time to read everyones responses so this might have been said...

BUT I can tell you this gals actions seem very immature, and you said she is young. I know i would not want her taking care of my child "full time". Maybe as a babysitter...but she does not sound like a "nanny" to me...

I'd run for my life...and be happy that you found out now :)...

Just my 2 cents since you asked...I'm sorry I know that is difficult to deal with, but you are smart to notice these things...I wouldn't even give her a second chance her judgement is very wrong.

[Melanie]

Uh...pick any TWO of those and you have a reason to look for another nanny. Would you trust your car to this woman? You are entrusting her with the most precious thing in your life, your child.


Mommy to Jonah

[zen_bliss]

Another vote for moving on to a new nanny....

bottom line: trust your instincts.

the 'too nice' among us try to overdo a list of 'evidence' so we won't be thought (gasp) unreasonable. really, your instinct is enough.

[AngelaS]

I used to be a nanny and I would not have dreamed of doing the things she's doing. She's your nanny, she should only be watching YOUR child! That first and foremost says a lot to me!

I'd find someone else!