Favorite Tips for Dealing with the In-Laws?

[dd_ani]

It occurred to me, as I was reading the last couple of posts dealing with inlaws, that there are probably some pretty good ideas out there about how to deal with those pesky "relatives." Or for any other people who are less than easy to live with (even when you are separated by thousands of miles).

So, girls (and guys, too!), lets put our heads together on this! Does anyone have a special tip, evolved from necessity, on how you manage? Because, lets face it, some of us would rather make our yearly trip to the gynecologist than visit our MIL. And for those of you who actually get along with your inlaws, you have no idea how lucky you are!

Things are such with my inlaws that DH and I have actually had to designate a codeword to use in case of emergency. The idea actually was one we planned to use with DD, so as to always present a united front and to not let her play us off of each other. Kind of a "just go along with me and I will explain to you later why she can't go to Susie's slumberparty" thing. However, in the case of my inlaws, it is more of a "Stop what you are doing NOW and follow my lead and I will tell you what they were doing later." The key is to never use it except in emergency cases.

What are some of the other suggestions/tips out there?

Michelle

[AngelaS]

We've worked very hard to set boundries with ours. With dh's family, he's the one who speaks up when his mother gets out of line. I've learned that I MUST tell him that she's done something and he will look for the opportunity to tell her off. LOL

We have a 'code' too. Basically, his mom comes up with lots of ideas that we feel the proper response to would be: "Like h*ll you will". But, saying that wouldn't be polite, so instead we say, "Oh, there's an idea" and dh and I exchange the 'look' knowing that WE are in agreement.... LOL

[Momof3Labs]

I also use DH to deal with his parents - when they step out of line, I let him know and let him confront them. Admittedly, sometimes DH is too nice and I have to remind him that we made a decision and he needs to stick to it!

Fortunately, they live in Florida and prefer not to come to visit too often.

[momathome]

I have the MIL from hell and have been dealing with her miserably for 5 1/2 years. The most important thing I have learned is to be firm and up-front - don't hedge, don't make it sound like there is room for negotiation. She is definitely the type of person where if you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. And when things get really ugly and I feel an explosion coming on, I get DH to talk to her. The stories I could tell would make your head spin - ugh!!! Good luck!
-Lauren

[brubeck]

Having just returned from the annual in-law visit (dragging an infant and toddler across the counrty and 3 time zones) I have a recent perspective on this.

Before we had kids, they would alway harp on me and what I was doing wrong with myself and the way I cared for my husband. This really used to bother me, but now I tend to take it more in stride just because I've become a little more hardened to it.

Now that we have kids they spent the entire visit harping on what I was doing wrong in raising the kids, which is a MUCH more sensitive issue! For example, just because my 2 year old would whine/cry when she didn't get her way she was obviously ill-behaved and I was making huge mistakes. Well show me a 2 year old who doesn't cry when you deny them something they want! It also bugged me the way they insisted that whenever the baby cried he must have gas. He would be quiet in my arms and MIL would ask to hold him. She would hold him the WRONG way (and yes, I showed her the right way many times) and he would cry. Her immediate response: "Oh, do you have a little gas?" and glare at me for allowing this to happen. Argh! So it was bugging me, but I actually just kept my mouth shut and nodded and said, 'mmm hmmmm' to everything they suggested.

Also bad, we arrived the day war broke out in Iraq and I have very different political views from my in-laws. So whenever the conversation turned to war I just stayed quiet.

I have never been so silent with my in-laws but it worked out well. Simply by not opening my mouth and vaguely agreeing to everything they said things were relatively peaceful and there were no big blow-ups or emotional cry-into-the-pillow nights.

I was vindicated when on the last night my husband said how he had almost lost it when his stepfather told him that he shouldn't put ice in my toddler's juice because 'it's bad for her to have cold drinks all the time'. This guy has no children of his own and didn't even marry my MIL until my husband was 8 years old. What does he know about toddlers? Well when my hubby got mad I knew I had made a monumental effort keeping my own temper under control.

So the short of this is: keeping my mouth shut and melting into the background helped a LOT!

[bluej]

DH and I also have very different political views than his parents. They are visiting this weekend and my DH is actually dreading this aspect of the visit more than I am. DH won't be able to keep his mouth shut and so I'm sure most of the weekend will be a heated debate on who's views are more wrong. At least I know DH can hold his own and so I will be able to just sit there quietly while he makes his points.

As for my advice on how to deal w/ IL's....live as far away as possible. And live somewhere uninteresting to them. Overseas might be far away, but as was mentioned in another thread that just leads to 2-3 week visits b/c there's so much to see and do. I find 15 hours to be a nice buffer and apparently my IL's don't care for Ohio, b/c for the 2 1/2 years we lived there they only visited us once for five days. Lucky for me, we will be moving back there in a little more than a year and we'll be there for four years!

Jen

[brubeck]

When my husband and I got married we agreed on two things:

1) We celebrate all major holidays (esp. Christmas) AT OUR HOME. We knew this would be especially important when we had kids. So we just took a stand and said that there would be no holiday visits.

2) Anyone who comes to visit us (no matter who) can stay for ONE WEEK MAXIMUM.

The one week maximum is hard to explain sometimes, but it is SO necessary. It is just hard to deal with people in your home for that long, and catering to them. If family wants to stay longer (we live in the San Francisco Bay Area so there's lots to do) we tell them that they can use our home as a base, but not stay more than 7 nights. I actually convinced the in-laws that they could stay with us over the weekend, go to Las Vegas and spend a few nights there during the week, then come back and spend another long weekend with us. I got other relatives to do this with going to Napa. As long as this rule is consistent and applies to BOTH sides of the family, no one should be offended. If both of you work full time it should be even easier to explain.

Just some thoughts on what has helped us.

[mharling]

I am lucky in the sense that my MIL is not mean or spiteful, but rather very needy, easily bored (hence all the phone calls) and goofy. My FIL, dh and dh's sister also get easily aggravated by her, so I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. This helps A LOT!! And when I do get frustrated or aggravated with her, I've found that I can usually consider the source and either laugh or let it roll off my back (unless of course she's asking me repeatedly to track down something SHE wants while I'm 38 weeks pregnant with the flu).

Dh told her Tuesday night (after yet another pointless phone call from her) that she called way too much. He asked her to write things down when she had the urge to call, save them up and call us ONCE with her list. Hopefully this will help. I'm especially worried about getting tons of phone calls after the baby's born. Hopefully the interference dh ran this week has set the stage.

Mary
EDD 4/5/03

[brubeck]

I am a psychic Mary. I know your future. I can see it now...... your phone service will be 'accidentally' cut off as soon as you give birth. Anyone calling your house will get ringing and ringing and no answer. I predict that it will last for about a week. ;-)

[mharling]

LOL! Hmmm, I think that could be 'arranged'. :P

Mary
EDD 4/5/03

[MartiesMom2B]

Usually when DH and I have to be physically present with MIL a way for us to blow off steam is to make fun of her. But at home all I have to say is: Caller ID!

Sonia
EDD 4/14/03