Holding the baby

[jd11365]

Going to a family wedding in July...DD will be 10 weeks old. My MIL called my DH today and in conversation mentioned how she hoped I wasn't going to be overprotective by not letting the family hold her. It's the first time his family will be seeing the baby...and he has a huge family. I know I have to share, but I'm so funny about passing her to other people. I know it's the right thing to do, it is her family too, and I have to get over myself, but I still feel weird about passing the baby...I secretly hope she will be fussy and just need to be held by me to avoid it all...that is so horrible! Did any of you feel this way?

[Marisa6826]

You can try keeping her strapped in the car seat. Generally people will not try and get her out of it.

You can also blame it on your pediatrician saying that s/he prefers that the baby not be handled until she has her first shots.

It's ALWAYS good to blame the ped!

-m

[lisams]

This was a big deal to me! This is just my own opinion, but I kind of think it is unfair that babies get passed around like a basket of bread being shared. I mean think about it from their perspective - different faces, smells, voices, etc. - it's very overwhelming to a young baby. I know I would hate to have a new person in my face every ten minutes. What's even worse is that at a wedding my MIL passed my DD to a complete stranger (stranger to me- she knew the person). I was furious that she would hand off my child without even asking.

I admit that I use all kinds of excuses (she needs to eat, I need to change her diaper, it's time for her to go to sleep) to get her back in my arms. I've also just told people that "she needs some quiet time with her mommy/daddy right now."

Don't feel bad at all about putting your child's feelings first. You don't have to pass her around if you don't want to, and it is totally normal to not want to.

Good Luck!
Lisa

[sweetbasil]

We had a rule that DS could only be passed to 3 people in each wake-time (besides DH & I) when he was pretty little. There was something about the magic number of 3- it was like the fourth person was his breaking point or something, and he had the same reaction consistently when too many people passed him around.

He was 8 weeks old when my sister got married, so it was the same deal for us. Since we had this rule from beginning, it was kind of an unnegotiable thing. And when people didn't respect our wishes and passed him around a lot, he inevitably lost it, and people were confused why he was crying so much. Um, because he's getting passed around by tons of people, probably, and it doesn't take much for little babies to get overstimulated....For DS, once he crossed that line he'd become inconsolable, couldn't sleep forever once we removed him from the situation, and it wore us all out trying to calm him down.

Don't hesitate to set limits- and be sure your DH is on board with whatever you decide is best for your family. After all, you're the one who has to deal with a potentially unhappy baby at home!

Best wishes,

[spu]

I remember feeling the same way and still do!. Even now, I say to people "no hands"... Everyone always seem to want to touch babies, their hands, their faces...

We still keep the babies in their stroller alot and use the canopie and blankets to prevent people from invading and touching. With 1 baby, you could keep her in a sling or baby bjorn and no one will even think twice. If they do, they are out of their mind. You can always say either she's got a cold, or hasn't had her shots yet. That worked for us in the early days since most people don't know what the shot schedules are these days.

And if all else fails, you can say "Yes, I am an overprotective Mother." and smile. It's your baby and you do what you want.

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else

[lukkykatt]

Yes! The same thing happened to us when DS was Christened. He was just shy of 3 months, and most of our family had not seen him yet. When we first got to the luncheon, I let someone hold him while I was taking care of some of the details with the restaurant. Every time I turned around, someone else was holding him.

Luckily, I had to nurse him and he fell asleep. So, that ended that. But at one point, I was swinging him back and forth in my arms trying to get him back to sleep and my FIL is behind me, holding on to DS' arm. Ok.

I think the best thing is to have a plan before you go. Maybe you could visit a few people the day before the wedding, so some of the people would have seen her already. And bring a stroller or carseat - it kind of acts as a barrier. Other than that, set your limits and expect people to respect them. Since it is your husband's family, maybe he can help with that.

[flagger]

OK we are probably in the minority here (imagine that), but other than insisting that anyone new who holds the baby washes their hands, we want Cocoa held by as many people as possible. We want her to feel welcomed and loved by a large extended family. We feel we get to hold her all the time, it is nice to have a chance to eat a meal with both hands once in a while.

Good luck and go with whatever your gut tells you.

[chrissyhowie]

I'm with Flagger on this one. We let people that we know hold Chloe all the time, as long as it is someone I know and trust. They always seem surprised when I ask, "Do you want to hold her?" I like that she gets a little bonding time with all sorts of different friends and family members.

However, big family events (especially when it's the in-laws' family!) are somewhat trying no matter what, new baby or not! It's a tiring and over-stimulating day for everyone. I suspect much of your apprehension about the day is not so much the fact that someone else will be holding Kayla, but that so many new people will be handling her. I think Julie's (sweetbasil) suggestion to set a limit of how many people can hold her while she is awake is a really good one. Sets reasonable limits right away that I think most people will understand once they stop to consider that the baby may not enjoy so many new faces at once!

Remember, you're there to share in a happy event and celebration in your extended family's life! Enjoy the party! :)

[cinrein]

We just went to a wedding this past weekend. DD is 4 months old, but I still have a problem with total strangers holding her or touching her face. We brought along the Baby Bjorn and I wore her facing inward whenever we felt she needed a break. Poor thing was so tired that she fell asleep in that position, so it was easy put people off.

BTW, my original plan was to take her to the car for feeding and naps so she'd get a break. This was an outdoor wedding and reception. It rained cats and dogs for the wedding, so we were stuck under the big tent.

Good luck!

Cindy
Mama to Anna 2/11/03

[parkersmama]

I have definitely felt this way about all my kids...even my third time around! It's completely normal to feel protective about your baby! For me, it's not so much the germs and such (although I know that's a concern) but more about her being fussy as people pass her around. Everyone seems to think they've got the "magic" that'll calm her down but at this point I'm really the only one (not even dh) that can really get her calm and contented. That's just how new babies are.

Like others here, I've experienced my family passing my babies off to people I don't even know without asking and strangers grasping at their faces, hair, hands, etc. It's a yucky feeling to watch them get passed around like today's newspaper! LOL! One thing that really seems to stop people in their tracks is to "wear" the baby in a carrier or sling. When I have Amy Grace in a sling people comment on how beautiful she is but almost no one even touches her. I let them peek at her face by moving the pouch aside myself and they ooh & ahh but don't touch. I think it's because she's so close to me that it makes them uncomfortable to be too touchy. When I'm holding her in a blanket in my arms people seem to feel it's open season on baby-touching and passing. So, I'd recommend using a sling or carrier if you're comfortable with that to hold people off a little. Also, like someone else said, I think making a comment that's slightly self-deprecating such as "Yes, I know, I know, I'm just a little nervous and overprotective" goes a long way toward keeping people back a little without hurting their feelings. It sort of galls me to have to act that way because I don't really feel like I'm being overprotective but it does work toward keeping the peace!

Good luck and don't feel bad about feeling this way... you have every right!!

[AngelaS]

I didn't like to have my babies passed either. In groups, like at church or picnics or such, I found that if dh was holding baby, fewer people would try to take her from him. LOL...maybe dh is more unapproachable or something. Whatever it was, it worked!

[kransden]

Maybe I am a germ freak, but it wasn't until dd was over 3 months old that I let her be held by a lot of people or even took her out in crowds much. The people that want to hold her don't have to stay up at night fretting if she can breathe or comfort her if she is screaming. Follow your instinct! Now dd is a social butterfly and loves to be held by everyone.

Karin
Katie 10/24/02

[StaceyKim]

I don't blame you one bit especially at a huge family gathering! It's one thing to have a couple of family members at the house. GRRRRRRRR, why do MIL's have to be such pains in the butt! What did your DH say to his M about this?
I agree, if the baby is asleep in the baby bjorn or in the car seat then you have a perfectly good excuse for people not picking DD up.

[beckyr88]

I TOTALLY share the feeling. And I swear, I was going to post the same thing after this weekend with the ILs...DH has a big family, and everyone is a real baby-lover and everyone wants to hold her, to the point that I pretty much give her up as I go in the door (which almost made me batty when she was just 1 mo. old...). Well, it was an open house graduation party this weekend, and the SECOND we walked in the door, DD started screaming...so we went back to the car to nurse, and she was fine. We walk back in, and she screamed again! And she is usually very peaceful, so I knew she was uncomfortable. But ILs still insisted on holding her, when she was clearly uncomfortable (after the initial screamfest). And to top it off, later on MIL was holding her under the tent canopy, but the sun was beating right on DD!! (but not really on MIL) I asked if she wanted to switch seats (hint, hint) and that helped...But yikes, I get EXHAUSTED after such parties!! It is nice to be able to eat with two hands, but I don't know if it's worth it!!! I'm almost looking forward to the 'clingy' stage so that I can keep track of her better!!!

Sorry to vent, but I just had to add to the list!!

[jd11365]

Thanks for all of the advice! I guess I'm just going to have to embrace the extended family...as long as I can do it with Kayla strapped snuggly to my chest in her Baby Bjorn...lol ;-) Really, my DH is so excited to share his pride and joy with the family...which I know I don't want to take away from...I just reminded him I would prefer actual family, and not some strange wife of a third cousin twice removed. What's terrible is that I wouldn't even think of being this way if it were my family...of course my family only consists of 4 people. And, the fact that my MIL brought it up gets a little under my skin, but then doesn't everything a MIL does do that...lol.