GUILTY SECRETS REVEALED!

[gour0]

Now that I have your attention.... Benjamin is three months old today and still is not sleeping through the night. Am I doing something wrong? Does anyone have any advice that does not involve letting him cry?

[KimberleyDawn]

Stacey,
Don't worry your baby will sleep through the night soon enough. What's his nursing schedule like? Is he waking to feed?
Kim

[sweetbasil]

Stacey,
This has come up on the boards a few times here lately, but I'll ask just in case. Have you guys found an evening routine that you've been able to settle into? That might help sweet little Benjamin get into the swing of things....that's not very profound, but the best I can think of right now!

[gour0]

He nurses every two to three hours I guess. Yes, he gets up at least twice a night to eat.

[egoldber]

Three months is VERY young to be sleeping through the night. Many, many babies don't start going through the night until many months later. So I guess that is both good news AND bad news! :)

And it is very hard to compare. Some babies, for whatever reason, just settle much more easily and quickly into a sleeping through the night routine.

I would suggest reading a book like Weissbluth's. It has lots of good info about infant sleep needs and patterns (regardless of how you feel about CIO) and can help to PREVENT sleep issues. It's never too early to start a routine, but I wouldn't stress about it at this young age.

HTH,

[gour0]

Not so much. He goes down sometime between eight and nine. He sleeps a lot during the day. We swaddle him when it is time to sleep. He also has a radio for white noise and a pacifier. And, guilty secret number two: He still sleeps in his bouncy seat at night. Dh keeps saying we should transition him to the crib, but I keep holding out. I know it's time, but I have no idea how to do it.

[dogmom]

Well, my son is turning 5 months and he isn't sleeping through the night, but he is getting better. In fact, the only truely painful thing now is everyone I meet is asking me "Is he sleeping through the night yet? Is he eating? He is? He STILL isn't sleeping through the night!" How annoying. Does it help that the boy across the street who is his exact same age was still sleeping when I called at 10 am? No, but every child is different.

We started out with a simple bedtime routine, giving a bath. I've added reading a book. At first I would nurse him last thing before putting him to bed to help him get to sleep, but now I nurse him between the bath and the book. I also have Dad put him to bed so he doesn't associate sleep with breast. It took a while, but he is going to sleep easier and sleeps very solid for 6-7 hours now. As it gets closer to morning the harder it gets to get him back to sleep.

It is such slow going at the beginning I felt discouraged. I started writing down once a week what his sleep schedule was like and after a few weeks I could look back and see he was making progress. (How long he would sleep, how long it would take him to get back to sleep, etc.) It certainly helped when I was transitioning him from the co-sleeper to the crib.

My doctor says you can expect a baby to sleep through the night until 9 months, because some kids don't until then. I know even people like Ferber, who I have not read so I won't comment on, don't suggest sleep training until 6 months. I guess the thing I have to keep reminding myself is that I'm trying to start a good routine and what I do this week won't wreck my DS sleep for the rest of his life. It think the problem with a lot of the sleep advice in books is it is so easy for a new mom, at least for me, to take it to heart too much and not leave room for individuality. My DH keeps reminding me we have a healthy, happy baby, so I just try to concentrate on that. I know before too long he will be keeping me up at night for a whole other set of reasons that I have less control over!

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03

[brubeck]

Jeanne I think you are doing a great job of helping Harvey sleep!

Just so you know, my ped says that the definition of sleeping through the night is 6 hours in a row. Sounds like Harvey is there! So if anyone asks you again you can say yes with a clear conscience. :-)

[C99]

How is Benjamin's not sleeping through the night a "guilty secret"?? I think it's *rare* that a 3-month-old sleeps through the night. My nearly-5-month-old still doesn't and I won't expect him to for another 2-3 months. Give it time.

[gour0]

LOL! Every time I talk to my Mother on the phone she asks me if he's sleeping through the night yet. They had seven kids and had no qualms about letting us CIO. Dad's suggestion was to give ds a bottle of water instead of feeding him at night. I finally told my mother yesterday that I would make a special point of calling her when he is sleeping through so she wouldn't need to ask me anymore! I've alrady told then I have no intention of 'letting' my baby cry. I know he's going to cry sometimes, but I'm not going to ignore it. I have been giving him the paci at night to try and delay him a little. Maybe if I don't immediately stick a breast in his mouth every time he cries....

[gour0]

Believe me, my mother makes it sound like I am doing him a big disservice. My Dad says that ds will still be waking up to bf when he is five.

[gravymommy3]

Stacey,

That is not a guilty secret. A guilty secret is a 19mo that is not sleeping through the night (like, say for instance, MINE!) That is a guilty secret!! Hang in there - he will get there!

[Tracey1]

I would definitely try to read Weissbluth's book - it will arm you with lots of 'sleep knowledge' (for instance, that a breastfed baby may still require one night feeding up until they're nine months old!) and will assure you that you are doing the right thing for your baby, then it will be much easier to let the comments of others roll right off your back!

[Rachels]

Here, practice this role play with me. I'll be your mom, you be you:

Mom: So, is he sleeping through the night yet?
You: Yep! Sure is!

If she (or anybody else) is going to criticize your parenting, you don't owe them any explanations. Make them feel better and go on your merry way. I totally agree that sleeping through the night at three months is a rarity. (In Abigail's case, that was when she stopped sleeping well.) Also, babies with reflux often wake more, because it hurts them to get too hungry. And I know that at one year, Abby still nurses for hunger once a night much of the time. Don't sweat it. I respect your decision not to CIO. You're a good mom, and he'll sleep eventually.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[brubeck]

I have a friend who is BFing her 31 month old. They co-sleep and he still wakes up at least once a night to nurse. She is pregnant with her second and I have no clue how she will handle it when the new baby arrives. I have to respect her, there's no way I could deal with that!

[caroliner]

I don't see how that is a guilty secret either... 3 months is VERY young to sleep through the night. Caroline will be 1 in 2 weeks, and sometimes she sleeps through, sometimes she doesn't. And she took a middle of the night bottle until about 10 months consistently and sometimes still does! I cannot imagine that you are doing anything wrong or that there is anything you could do at this young age to get him to sleep through. He's really little!! I'm sure you are doing just fine.

[Melanie]

Repeat after me, "The amount my child sleeps straight is not directly related to how good of a parent I am." Say it again. Okay?

Now go and check out this book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. I've heard it works great for people, we haven't followed it strictly so Ds still isn't sleeping straight, either, but the techniques which I have used have helped A LOT! (going from 8 nightwakings/nursings to 3 or so).

Take Care and remember, "THE AMOUNT YOUR CHILD SLEEPS IS NOT DIRECTLY RELATED TO HOW "GOOD" THE PARENT OR CHILD IS." =)

[LisaS]

Your dad's suggestion abt the bottle of water is not a bad idea. I did it w/my DD and it worked. At first she was annoyed, but after 2 nights, she decided that it wasn't worth it to wake up for water and she just made up for it at her next feeding, and started taking in more BM and Formula (I combo fed) during the day.

There comes a point when babies don't physically NEED to eat at night - sure its nice to (if someone offered me an ice cream sundae at midnight, I might be interested). For every baby, that point is different, but some babies ARE capable of sleeping through the night at 3 months. Others take longer.

Of course, any doctor will tell you that water should only be given if your baby is over 6 weeks old, gaining enough weight and eating enough during the day. He won't starve - in fact, he will wake up ravenous and have a fantastically huge "breakfast" which will hold him over longer than usual till his next feed, and thus starting a great cycle of bigger meals and longer intervals - nothing wrong with that.

Another thing to do is to institue a bed time routine - people say it doesn't matter at 3 months, but I believe that it does - the earlier you start, the more repetition you have, the more it sticks and I personally believe that babies thrive on routine and consistency. I started a routine that I stuck to as consistently as I could from the time my DD was 3 weeks - the 4 Bs: Bath, bottle (or breast), books (or video) and bed.

I also had a rule - from 7pm - 7am my DD is in her room - that is our "night". If she needs us, we go to her, but we don't take her out to the living room or to our room. This way, she knows her crib and room are for sleep and the others are for playing.

She has CIO, I did let her CIO as young as 3 months. I know Ferber says not to sleep train till 5 1/2 months, but you may not have to if you take steps early on. I never endured those 3 hour long non stop screaming sessions that people complain about when they try to sleep train an older baby. She cried for 5, maybe 10 minutes max and went back to sleep. And I only let her cry after I established that there was nothing she needed except to sleep.

Just out of curiosity - I know you're against CIO, what is it that you're afraid will happen down the road as a result if you do let your DS CIO?

I was left to CIO as a baby and was not emotionally scarred by it. I let my DD CIO when necessary and she is a happy, contented, well-rested toddler. Sometimes, its the only thing that will work and its never as bad as you think. More often than not, the crying stops within the 5 minutes that I would wait before I went to her. Once people give CIO a chance, you may be pleasantly surprised by how its not as bad as you think it will be. I"m not saying its easy to listen to your baby cry - it definitely sucks and it is so hard not to go to him or her for even 1 minute at first, but it really is for their best interest - you are doing them a huge favor by helping them learn how to go to sleep on their own. And after a few days its usually smooth sailing.

If you want to establish healthy sleep habits, definitely don't stick a breast in his mouth every time he cries - unless you want to be a human pacifier. If you want to use your boob as a pacifier, then by all means, go ahead. But if you dont', then he may develop a sleep association w/the boob and need it every time to get to sleep. If you think he's genuinely hungry, feed him - that's one thing, but there's a big diff. between feeding on demand and feeding on "cry".

As others have said, read Weisbluth - lots of great ideas - especially, about early bed times. My personal favorite sleeping/feeding book is The Contented Little Baby Book by Gina Ford. I followed it and my DD slept through the night (12 hours) from 14 weeks. There was some crying involved - I did give her a few bottles of water along the way, but she is no worse for the wear.

I realize this is not what you were looking for, but I'm just offering a different perspective on things.

Good luck

[barbarhow]

About the other guilty secret.....sleeping in the bouncy seat. I had the same "secret"! DS slept in his carseat in the crib up until 10 days ago. Much to the criticism and dismay of my mother, my mil and many others. We finally decided to bite the bullet and try him out of the carseat. It took a few nights of waking up every 2-3 hours and he no longer sleeps 7-8 hours a night-but he is now sleeping 5-6 hours a night in the crib. Try not to care what antone else says. Do what works for you and Benjamin.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[Karenn]

"THE AMOUNT YOUR CHILD SLEEPS IS NOT DIRECTLY RELATED TO HOW "GOOD" THE PARENT OR CHILD IS." =)

Melanie is so right! And I wish she'd been around to tell me that when Colin was sleeping his worst! I know people who did all of the "right" things and have babies that sleep horribly, and people who did none of the right things and have babies that sleep beautifully. So Stacey, you're not doing anything wrong! I do think though, there there are some things a parent can do to help the sleep thing along- and buying the No Cry Sleep Solution or Weisbluth is probably one of them.

Good luck!

[egoldber]

LOL! A friend of mine's DD had reflux. She slept in her carseat until she was 9 months old!!! And FYI, her now 23 month old sleeps 14 hours a night straight through with no troubles at all!

[trumansmom]

Whew! I feel so much better! Truman's 18 months old and has slept through the night a total of 4 times in his life!

At least he only wakes up once now.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01

[caroliner]

I'm also going to add that my "advice" is to do what works for you and makes common sense to you. I do not believe in CIO at all and won't do it. Here are my "guilty secrets", but I don't feel guilty about them! I gave Caroline a bottle at night (and sometimes still do) if it appears she is hungry and it will settle her... If she needs consoling or won't settle easy, I'll lay down with her in the queen bed we keep in her room.... that way, we both get back to sleep. I do all these things and somehow, she still has managed to "learn" to sleep through the night. She does have nights where she is up once and does not settle herself, but they are happening less and less. My personal philosophy is to practice patience and she'll get there and she is. A friend of mine did pretty much the same thing with her 3 children and they all sleep great. So, I guess my advice is do what makes sense and just be patient. He is going to sleep through.