I need your advice ~ I cannot stop crying.

[SASM]

I don't really know quite how to phrase this so I hope this makes sense. I am having a VERY difficult time with the upcoming birth of my brother's child and REALLY need to get past these feelings. Here is the story:

First, let me give you some details about me. DH and I had been trying to conceive, with necessary hiatuses, pretty much since December 2000. We had a miscarriage in November 2001 and then we found out about Ian on May 12, 2002. Not an abnormal amount of time but VERY difficult nonetheless. Okay...My brother has been dating this girl for about a year. They concieved last year and had an abortion in July. At the time, I was VERY hormonal. I was still very sensitive about the miscarriage and afraid about the possiblity of losing the current pregnancy. I was so upset about my brother's (and girlfriend's) decision to abort the pregnancy for several reasons: 1) Our "difficult" time trying to conceive left me sensitive and it angered me that it happened for them without trying nor wanting it; 2) The miscarriage (D&C) was the worst experience of my life ~ how could she willingly do that?; and 3) I have known many people who have had fertility problems who would have loved to adopt. After the abortion, my brother had a difficult time and swore that he would be careful, never wanting to go through that again. Now this is what REALLY upsets me. Fast-forward 5 months, she concieves again (I am not sure when they found out). They both want another abortion but, for some reason, they inquire about it too late. She doesn't have any OB care until 25 WEEKS!!! They decide to keep the baby because my brother "doesn't want my kid out there with someone else, besides I want it to turn me around." High expectations for such a tiny person. Plus, when my brother found out that the baby was a girl he was NOT jumping for joy :-( Their relationship is NOT the healthiest ~ they constantly argue. She has a 2 year old who she barely sees (she has partial custody with her ex-boyfriend). She can just BARELY support herself, going from minimum-paying job to job. Plus, she has stated several times that she didn't want anymore children. I cannot stop crying about the whole situation. I DO NOT care for this girl because, in my view (I truly apologize if I insult anyone), how can a "woman" with any feelings have an abortion once and then try to have another one just a few short months later. Wouldn't you do everything in your power to make sure that it doesn't ever happen again? Having a baby, a life growing inside of you, is the most amazing thing in the world. How could she do it with no feelings, almost TWICE???? I have worked in pediatrics and have seen this way too many times ~ both repeated abortion and girls having baby after unwanted baby. :-( Oh, I just cannot stop thinking about my future niece. DH and I, as well as my wonderful family, will hopefully be a positive influence on her but that is not enough. Plus, we all live a distance away. Please help me get past this. I REALLY need to accept this and accept my brother's grilfriend but I just do not respect the immature girl that she is. Oh, how I REALLY wish that they would consider adoption...

[ginalc]

What a lucky boy Ian is to have such a loving Mommy! Hold him close and share with him how special he is. :)

The gift of a child is so precious, and it breaks my heart when I hear a story like yours where this gift is not appreciated. No one can predict how your brother and his child will come through this ordeal. Hopefully he will be a good father and act as the baby's advocate.

I know how hard it is to stand back and watch your family crumble. I don't believe that things happen for a reason, but I do know that it makes us stronger in the end. Just be thankful that you are there to support your brother, he will probably need to know that no matter what, his family supports him.

gina, mom to 3

[Momof3Labs]

Sharyn, I'm going to e-mail you...

[egoldber]

I think your feelings are very understandable in your situation. You wanted a child very much and they, who don't really want children, seem to be able to conceive so easily and don't seem to understand their blessings. I think you have every right to grieve and be angry.

And I know how you feel, because I have family similar to this, including a neice who had two abortions (that I know of) and she is only 19! But she has had a hard life. A natural father who abused her mother and then NEVER had contact with her from the time she was a year old. It is my personal belief that she was abused by her stepfather. She was kicked out by her mother shen she was 14 and lived on the street for several months before anyone else in the family was aware of it. (Needless to say, I'm not on speaking terms with my sister anymore.) But all I'm trying to say is that this woman probably has a lot of issues from her past that make her engage in these risky behaviors. Generally, people like this have incredibly low self-esteem created by years of abuse.

So feel angry and grieve, because you have every right. But also maybe feel sorrow for her and what she has likely been through. And especially feel sorrow for their child to be, because unfortunately these behaviors tend to be very cyclic.

Best of luck,

[barbarhow]

Sharyn-what a heartbreaking story. I remember feeling similar pain as I was going through my divorce from husband #1. I wanted so much to be in a loving relationship and felt that I would never find someone and never have a chance to be a mother. During this period a friend called to tell me she was pregnant (again) and about to have an abortion (#4). I cried and cried after hearing this. Despite having always been prochoice I couldn't believe that she could so easily terminate what I so desperately wanted. And not just once but 4 times. So sad.
You are so lucky to have your own family and hopefully for your nieces sake you can model for her and show her what love is all about.
My only thought about your brothers girlfriend is that sadly she is probably doing the best she is capable of doing. Not a huge help for a child though.
My thoughts are with you.

Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[momathome]

What an incredibly sad story. While I am very much pro-choice, I am not pro-abortion, particularly when some people use abortion so routinely like it is a form of birth control. It is not. A roommate of mine from college had 2 abortons in less than a year's time and that just blew me away. Getting pregnant should never be treated so casually. That sad thing is, it will be that little girl who suffers because of having immature parents who would rather be doing something else. Try to focus on the positive and be as positive a presence in that little angel's life as you can be.
-Lauren

[blnony]

What a sad story, and yes, I do think you have the right to be upset. I think its a good thing though that you care so much. Obviously, this baby needs someone to care.
As far as accepting, that might be a little tough. Its hard to accept a situation like that. Maybe just try to be as involved as they will let you, at least for the baby's sake. I have a cousin that is very similar, and it just breaks my heart. Maybe if you try to be supportive, (more bees with honey thing) it will help and maybe it will help your brother.
I really don't have any great words of wisdom, but my heart just goes out to you and your neice. Please keep us updated and let us know if there is anything we can do.

[COElizabeth]

Sharyn,

What a sad story. I don't know what to say, but I hope that sharing your feelings helps somewhat. I hope that things somehow work out well for your family and your future niece. I agree, it's too bad that your brother and his girlfriend won't even consider adoption, especially now when they can choose to have an open adoption, choose the adoptive family, and still keep up with the child if they want to. In any case, your niece will be lucky to have you in her life. And speaking from personal experience, I can say that while loving aunts might not be enough, they can be a HUGE positive influence in a child's life. I spent a lot of time with my aunt and her family growing up, and I really considered them almost a second family. My immediate family was very loving, but it was nice to have the stability of my second "family" when my parents got divorced.

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[muskiesusan]

I can totally understand why this would upset you. It is upsetting for me to read, and I am an obvious outsider.

My cousin was in a somewhat similar situation. She became pregnant unexpectantly and did not want the child. She didn't have an abortion, but instead decided to put the baby up for adoption. Not 5 months after the delivery she was pregnant again. We were all in disbelief that she could let this happen again and honestly, I know wonder if the guilt over the first baby is what led to this happening again. This time, she couldn't decided what she wanted to do, and waited so long she ended up keeping the baby. Turns out, it was one of the best things that ever happened to her. The awesome responsibility that she felt with having a child made her get her act together; she finished school and got a great job. Now she is married, to a minister no less, and has 5 more children.

I hope that something similar happens to your brother and girlfriend. Its a lot to expect a child "to turn you around," but maybe that's something you could focus on to help get you through this.

Susan
WAHM to Nicholas 10/01/01

[jojo2324]

Sharyn, I am so sorry. I can understand your frustration and anger. There are no easy answers about how to handle this, but all I can say is that your niece is so lucky to have someone as caring as you in her life. And maybe, as somebody mentioned, this baby will bring about a huge change in your brother. Babies are so amazingly wonderful, she just might make some amazingly wonderful changes in your brother and his girlfriend. If you need anything, let us know.

[kransden]

You have every right to be upset. I know of 4 couples right now that would be thrilled to have that baby and would make the best parents in the world. All you can do is be there as best you can for the baby and let the mom (as kindly as possible) know that. I know that will be hard for you. You can always remind the mom gently after the baby is born that maybe the best thing for everyone would be adoption and that she has a lot of courage to do that. I so hope everyhting will turn out ok.

Karin
Katie 10/24/02

[celfsh]

Sharyn,

I can understand why you would be upset. My heart hurts just reading your post. I really don't have much to say by way of advice, but I did want to offer my support and let you know that I am thinking of you and hoping everything works out for the best. When is the baby due? A lot could happen before she comes--maybe your brother and his GF will reconsider, or maybe they will get their acts together before she arrives. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I have to echo what others have said, if nothing else your niece will at least be lucky to have an aunt like you.

Hugs,

celeste
mom to olivia 9/25/02

[mamahill]

I don't know that I have any words of comfort, but I think you are totally justified in being upset. I feel so sad for that little girl coming into the world to parents who, if they had it their way, wouldn't have had her.

Ian is lucky to have such loving parents, and the experiences you've been through will serve to make you a better parent. I agree with Celeste - hopefully in the next few months your brother and his GF will get their act together either by being better (responsible) parents, or allowing a couple "out there" the opportunity to give her the life she deserves.

In any event, you are in my thoughts. Don't try to supress your feelings, though, since that will only serve to make it worse for you. Cry, woman! And then hug Ian.

[spu]

Sharyn, I'm so sorry for what yoy must be going through. I can only imagine the pain it must be causing you. Ian is such a lucky baby and he's been blessed with such loving parents. All I can say is hold him tight and love him dearly. Share with us whenever you need to. Perhaps your niece will get to know you as close as can be and there will be a special reason for all of this.

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else

[nathansmom]

Your story is so like mine. I don't want to post my feelings toward this online but if you'd like I will be willing to share with you via email.

[mharling]

Oh Sharyn! This must be incredibly difficult. I have frequently thought that one of the cruel ironies in our world is that people who want nothing more than to get pregnant can't and people who want nothing more than to NOT get pregnant can. It just doesn't seem right.

I can certainly understand why you're having a difficult time respecting your brother's girlfriend. But, I also don't necessarily think that you need to 'accept' her. It doesn't appear that doing so would change their situation any. I think the best you can do at this point is think positive thoughts about the outcome and provide a loving relationship for the baby.

I'll be thinking about you!! Cry all you need to; it's great therapy IMO!

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b3237413c427 - New 6/18

[chrissyhowie]

Sharyn,

As someone who has always been a proponent of women's reproductive health and pro-choice, it still has always bothered me how some people seem to view abortion as their method of choice for birth control. The gift of being able to create life is just that -- a gift. It is heartbreaking for those of us who have dealt with infertility to see this gift handled seemingly without care.

Well, tiny people sometimes cause the biggest changes! This baby will be a new grounding factor in the life of your brother, and it is so encouraging that he has even voiced his desire for it. Mary (mharling) is right, crying is such great therapy -- washes all the crud right out of my brain sometimes! You and your family will be in my thoughts.