Help! DD doesn't seem to like her daddy...

[etwahl]

Well this just breaks my and Evan's hearts. Lauren often just screams her lungs out whenever she's with daddy. Often he just has to look at her and she starts to scream. He tries to spend a lot of time with her, holding her, changing her, etc. but he gets frustrated because she screams so much and I end up rescuing her.

My idea was that maybe every day I would give her to him (after she's been fed) and then I physically leave the house for half an hour to an hour. He said "oh great, she'll hate me even more then..." I don't know what the answer is. Does anyone have any suggestions for making her like him more? She's still a fussy little girl, which is probably part of the problem, although she is getting a little better (sometimes it really doesn't seem that way, but she's much better than she was before)

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[Annette_C]

Tammy,
Sorry to hear that. Please don't take anything personal at this stage because, before you know it, it will change!
I know that Sabrina used to scream whenever she saw her older sister and refused to go with her! It used to break Bridget's heart and mine. Well, now, Sabrina is CRAZY about Bridget and chooses her over me!! LOL
Babies are like New England's weather: give them a little time and they will change! :)
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[nathansmom]

Tammy-

I think Nathan and Lauren are related. I have the same problem with Nathan. It seems that right after Nathan stopped the really bad fussiness he turned into mama's boy. This is what has worked to make Nathan want his dad (he screams when dad holds him).
If I am home I give Nathan to my dh. I let him cry while dh is holding him. After 5 minutes I give dh a shirt that I have worn (usually the shirt I sleep in) right away Nathan calms down. He's not happy but much calmer. This allows Dh and Ds to have some time together.
If I am going out I have a routine for Nathan. I give him 5 minutes of cuddle time. Next I read the same book to him. Finally I give him a kiss on each cheek, one on the forehead and nose, and last 3 kisses on the mouth. I leave right after. I don't look back if he starts to fuss. Dh says he will usually fuss for about 5 minutes (took awhile for it to get this short) and then settle down. When I get home I greet Nathan with his nickname and kisses. Dh gives Nathan my shirt if he fusses but it seems that once I am gone he's happy with dh.

Let me know if you have any questions. I tried to make sense.
HTH

[Andrea S]

We had this problem with Andrew around 3-4 months. DH just continued to hold him and care for him and he got better. When I had to go to work (3 nights a month) I would worry that he could not console Andrew while I was gone, but Andrew was always fine.

I would also feed him (we BF) and go out for a hour or so just to get out and Andrew would be fine with DH. I think at that age with it was sight out of mind with Andrew as long as he was full and with his Dad.

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02

[jojo2324]

Oh Tammy! Don't fret! This is completely normal. Gannon would have nothing to do with Shawn until about 2 months ago. He could be held by him and bottle fed, but little else, and ONLY when I wasn't there. If we were both in the room, you knew which direction Gannon was going to head in.

One thing I've heard is to try and NOT rescue the father. But it's SO HARD, I know!!! It's also pretty easy for the dads to say, "Oh, it's just easier and quieter when you handle it" and they give up too. I think that babies are so used to the presence of mommy all the time, it's hard for them to be without her for a little bit.

I tried not to worry about it. It was frustrating, because it felt like, "For pete's sake, just let me have ONE minute to myself, please!" But I also know that in 5 years Gannon will probably want nothing to do with me and ONLY want to hang out with Dad, so I should cherish it while time allows. :)

[Sarah1]

Hi Tammy--

When I was a small baby, I apparently was "scared" of my dad too. I would SCREAM whenever he tried to give me a bath, etc (at the time, my dad was an OB resident and was NEVER home!). But it PASSED! So don't worry...I have the most wonderful relationship with my dad, so don't even THINK that this will have any kind of long term effect!

I know it must be so hard for you to watch your husband try so hard with her and get nothing in return. But your baby is just over 3 mos (right?)--in a few more mos, she'll be responding so much more to both of you. She just needs more time. Just have patience and know things WILL get better!!

[muskiesusan]

Tammy,

I know its hard, but it will pass. Nick goes through stages like this and right now he wants nothing to do with me, which is hard, since I am the one at home all day! DH travels a lot and has been in town in his home office working more than usual. Nick wants to be with him and basically screams with me. I have been taking him out more than usual so he doesn't see dh and that has been helping.

Hang in there, it will get better!
Susan
WAHM to Nicholas 10/01/01

[MartiesMom2B]

Tammy:

DH thinks that Martie hates him too. He feels its because she doesn't see him all day. Maybe we need to send our daughters out with our husbands for bonding time where we can't rescue them. It breaks my heart too to hear him say that she hates him.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[egoldber]

Like others have said, this is very normal. Since you are her primary caregiver, you have developed your own way of comforting her. Evan needs to develop his own style and sometimes that is hard for daddies to do. I know that Adam didn't have a lot of luck comforting Sarah until she was less of a baby, closer to a year old.

HTH,

[brubeck]

We had the same problem with both kids.

First of all, it is my husband's job to watch the kids every night while I shower. I go upstairs and turn on the water and I can't hear it if the baby starts to cry. It used to be I would get out of the shower and I would hear the baby crying and hurry getting dressed into my PJs to go get him but in the last month or so when I come down from my shower he is sleeping peacefully.

The other thing that helps is roughhousing. I know, it goes against every Mommy instinct but this is why it worked out so well for my husband and made him different from me. He tosses the kids in the air, spins them in circles, does airplane rides, etc. Andrew loves it! Amy gets even more 'violent' treatment and she always comes back and asks for more. It's a guaranteed way to get her to stop tantruming too. It's something that DH does with the kids and I almost never do, so it made them look at him in a 'fun' light.

But the most important knowledge is that this is a phase. It will pass. Just start to figure out how you will deal with it when all of a sudden she prefers Dad to you (and it will happen).

[flagger]

>He tries to spend a lot of time with her, holding her, changing
>her, etc. but he gets frustrated because she screams so much
>and I end up rescuing her.

Tammy here is some advice from a daddy. Resist the temptation to rescue her or wait longer and longer periods before you do. Part of the frustration for a new father comes from someone coming in to rescue the child or himself. Obviously if he asks for help then by all means do so, but once you both embrace the fact that you parent differently the road becomes easier.

As others have said, the best way to handle this is to leave the house. Do it for short periods (20 minutes or whatever you are comfortable with) and eventually make them longer. Remember you have to take care of yourself to be able to take care of your DD. All three of you have a huge stress coming up with your move across country. Do whatever it takes to relieve that stress as both of you stressing makes its way down to Lauren.

I assure you that Lauren and Evan will figure it out. She will realise that his comforting while not mom still feels pretty good. He will grow more relaxed and confident as she calms down when he is with her. There WILL be times later in life where she is closer to one or the other. This is not rejection at all, but just her showing her independence.

[Momof3Labs]

I very much agree with the advice to resist (or at least delay) rescuing her.

When Colin was younger, he knew that Daddy meant playtime! Mommy was good for snuggles and nursing, but I would often hand him to Daddy when we were done nursing so that I could get a break. Daddy would play with him, tickle him, change his diaper, bathe him, whatever. To this day, Colin knows that Daddy is more "fun" than Mommy, and Daddy gives him pretty much all of his baths.

Maybe pick something special - playtime, bathtime, whatever - that can become Evan's responsibility every day. And for those 20-30 minutes, you go take a walk around the block or run an errand. It won't take long and Lauren will look forward to that time - and of course, as it gets easier for Evan, he will want more and more time with Lauren.

[KathyO]

I'll join in with everyone else in saying that this phase won't last. You've hit the developmental stage with Lauren where she's able to hold an image in her head of what she WANTS, compare it with whatever she's getting, and protest when they don't match!! Loudly!!

When DD was five months, I had to teach one evening a week. It was hard in the short term, because she wouldn't take a bottle of pumped milk, and DH had no way of comforting her, but in the longer run, it was great, because without me to "rescue" him, he and she evolved their own ways of relating, and he got very comfortable with all the bits and pieces of babycare. And it was GREAT for me. The first couple of nights, I was racked with guilt. The guilt then faded, and towards the end of the semester I was waking up and going, "YEAH!! It's I-get-to-have-adult-conversation WEDNESDAY!!!"

Consider picking up a night class, or some kind of weekly event that takes you out of the house for AT LEAST two hours, possibly more. It'll be rough for DH the first few times (tell him to think of it as basic training with fewer pushups but slightly more yelling), but she'll start to realize that Daddycare does, in fact, cover the bases as well as Mommycare, in spite of being slightly different. My DD now adores her Daddy, and when he baths her I hear nothing but shrieks of laughter from the tub as he makes silly faces and plays games with her toys. Tell Evan to hang in there!

DH just passed by and added - "It's hard, when you're a first-time parent, to be screamed at. It's a real assault on the senses, and it provokes a strong emotional reaction. Don't take it personally. If she's fed and changed and comforted to the best of your ability, just grin and do your best. Patience, and it'll work out."

Hope that helps!

KathyO