How do I tactfully tell my mother I don't want her laboring with me?

[heatherly2475]

I made the mistake early on in this pregnancy (my first) of telling my mother I thought I wanted her to be there with me while I am in labor and for the birth. Now I am convinced I do not. As if this matters, I am an only child and this will be her first grandchild. I know I will need to be as relaxed as possible and quite frankly, this is not possible with my mother around. (The bottom line is she frequently stresses me out.) She does live three hours away and I have even considered not calling her until the baby is nearly here so she couldn't arrive until after the birth, but I know that may not go as planned either. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I do want to let her know that I would prefer just my husband and perhaps the videographer (third-party nuetral observer only) in attendence. Please help. What can I tell her?

[Rachels]

Tell her the truth. Let her know you and your husband have been talking about it, and you've decided that you really just want it to be the two of you at the birth. Let her know that you'd love her help afterwards, but that the more you learn about yourself in pregnancy, the more you trust that you'll want as few people as possible in the room with you while you labor. You can be clear but kind. This is your decision. You aren't responsible for making sure other people like it-- you're responsible for providing an environment for your labor that feels safest to you so that you can give birth in the most effective way. Stress is not good for labor. It slows things down or stalls them completely, and makes pain perception more acute. Your job is to find a way to be as comfortable and calm as possible. If that means you need to wait until after the birth to have your mom show up, it's okay to say so.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[KimberleyDawn]

I agree with Rachel and maybe your mom might surprise you and be understanding.
Kim

[COElizabeth]

I agree that you should just tell her the truth that you have changed your mind and now would be more comfortable with fewer people. If she is disappointed (or even if not), I would call or have your DH call her to tell her when you are going to the hospital and give her an update if time and energy permit, so she doesn't feel left out. If she is the type of person who would show up anyway, then maybe don't tell her, but I would hope she would respect your wishes (the providers will always keep out anyone you don't want in the room, but that is an extreme measure, I think).

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[sweetbasil]

I agree- you're best off just being honest. The good thing is that as an only child, thuis experience in grandparenting is all she knows (no previous children of hers have had babies and asked her to be there). We told our families that we'd love to have them there for labor, etc., but wanted it to be just the two of us when it came time for actual pushing, etc. so we could spend our first few moments alone as a family of three. Everyone honored our wishes- as there wasn't really another option. Really, there are so many grandparenting moments she'll have to savor in the long run....

Best wishes,

[flagger]

I agree with what others have said, just one more thought.

If everything else fails, have the nursing staff where you are going to deliver play the bad guys. They are used to herding unwelcome people out at the mother's request. They are all about the patient and her comfort.

[nathansmom]

I went through the same issues myself. My mother wanted to be in the room during my labor. I had all these plans on how to keep her out. I it set up so she would have a comfortable place to stay at the hospital with lots of stuff for her to do. As it turned out all my plans went unused as we had major complications. Feel free to email me or send a personal message, I'm willing to share my plans for my mother.

[August Mom]

I agree. You should tell her the truth. Being an only child myself, though, I know that this is going to be a difficult thing to tell your mom. And, if your mom is anything like mine, you probably need to be prepared to have pouting and then some attempts to make you feel guilty ("but this is my first grandchild," etc.) I did allow my mom and dad to be there during my labor and delivery and although they sometimes stress me out, they didn't add any stress during that time. They were helpful and supportive. I'm not sure what my mom said when she went down to the nurses' station, but we got action right away! LOL One thing I would think about though, because this is bound to come up, is why you'll let the videographer, someone who doesn't even know you, be there but you won't let her, your own mother, be there. I can just hear my mom saying that. At a minimum, have an answer ready for that. I know that would really have bothered my mom.

I did have a similar type of thing come up with my mom. I had originally said that I wanted her to stay with me the week or two after the baby was born. Then, I decided that I just wanted it to be me, DH and the baby during the first week. So, I explained that DH had arranged to take the week after the baby's birth off and that I wanted that time for just the three of us, but I would love for her to come and help out the following week. She took it pretty well. She came up before the baby was born to finalize things for the nursery, etc., was there for the birth, went to my house and washed the appropriate color of coming home outfit, came to the hospital several times until we were discharged and came over with my dad and grandma when DS was 4 days old and the in-laws were down to meet DS. Then she helped out during her assigned week. She really took it pretty well and was helpful.

Good luck. Being an only child isn't easy sometimes. It seems like your parents' whole world still revolves around you sometimes and there are still lots of expectations of you even when you're an adult. On the upside, having the only grandchild means lots of attention and, most likely presents, from the grandparents! My mom is addicted to Gymboree now. :) LOL

[cinrein]

I agree you should tell her the truth. I just wanted to add that your hospital may not allow her in there anyway. My hospital allowed only 1 coach (DH) and a doula if you had one. Other family members were not allowed during labor.

Cindy
Mama to Anna 2/11/03

[heatherly2475]

Wow, I am so grateful for all the advice. What some great suggestions! I was really sweating how to handle this. Looks like I need to catch her when she's in a good mood and have a heart to heart talk. I'm going to check with the hospital to see if she could be there in the first place. The thought ran through my mind to make them look like the bad guys regardless of whether she could be there or not! Thank you so much everyone!

[alkagift]

I have nothing original to add, really, other than I made the mistake of telling my mother that the hospital allowed up to 5 other people in addition to your spouse/coach in labor and delivery. Her immediate response was "I want to be there! I don't remember my own!" (They sedated you in the early '60's.) My immediate response was that I appreciated that she would be supportive, but that we couldn't guarantee it would go smoothly and I wanted her memories of me and the baby to be all positive--a beautiful baby boy at the end, not the pain, blood, etc that might come before! I also mentioned that I would be embarrassed about having anyone other than DH see me in that position. Her natural squeamishness took over and she never mentioned it again.

Allison
Mom to Matthew, 5/19/03