Discipline books??

[jojo2324]

Please help. Maybe I'm out of my mind for thinking I can do anything at this age, but my son is turning into a TERROR! And the biting! It's gotta stop! He woke me up this morning taking a big chomp out of my shoulder. I am covered in bruises from him kicking me, slapping me, biting me some more, just general rambunctiousness.

The other day he blatantly slapped a little boy who took a toy away from him, one that he had taken from the little boy to begin with! And it was punctuated by a little, "Ugh!!" I just don't know what to do. I have tried taking his hands and holding them down at the sides of his body, and I am consistent, but it's not working. I also try turning my back to him, or separating us somehow, but that hasn't accomplished anything either. Then there's the, "We don't (insert verb here). (Verb)ing hurts Mommy." And the stern voice.

The thing is, he just seems to be a very...active sort of fellow. He bodyslams the cat while pulling on his tail. Every surface is a drum, and any object in his hands is a drumstick. (He can play very loudly.) In Gymboree he starts to "pat" the other babies' heads, and then it turns to slapping. I am constantly apologizing and saying "NO!!!" Is there any hope that my child is not a bully?? And I won't be covered in black and blue until he goes to school?

So, are there any books you can recommend? I know Burton White is a big favorite, but *I* feel like a big failure because I know his major time period to work with is 8-14 months. G-man is already 12 months. Is it too late for him? Please help! TIA!

[Rachels]

A psychologist friend of mine swears by this one for babies this age:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1930429002/qid=1058362041/sr=2-2/ref=sr_2_2/104-6482625-9199113

Hang in there!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[egoldber]

Sweetie, of course it's not "too late" for Gannon! And it sounds like he is a normal, rambunctious little guy. But since you have a little one on the way soon, I would start working on trying to curb some of his more aggressive behaviors rather than waiting it out.

I have heard good things about the Sears "Discipline Book". I do like Burton White, but he's not everyone's cup of tea. And FYI, White says that 8-14 months is the prime time for teaching new behaviors, so I think that this would be a good time to read his book. If you want to borrow my copy, I'd be happy to bring it to the retreat! Actually, I may also have an older version (unless I gave it back to MIL) that you would be welcome to keep. I'll look for it if you like.

HTH,

[redhookmom]

I really like the book "Positive Discipline The First Three Years." One part of the book helps you understand you child's temperament and the effect it has on how your child responds to the world. So the book acknowledges that the age of your child and his speical qualities affect his behaviour- and how you can guide and shape it. HTH

Jessica

[josephsmom]

Beth, could you give a little nutshell version of Burton White's ideas? I'm in the market for books myself. Thanks!

Helene
mommy to Joseph 12/29/01

[mamahill]

It's too late for Gannon - pack him off to the looney bin. LOL - the reason there are so many parenting books is because issues are NOT resolved before they are 14 months. Ainsleigh is only NOW beginning to manifest discipline issues and she is 15 months. I don't have any books, but I think it is good to encourage his "energy" (for lack of a better word), but perhaps with toys better suited to him. Allow him to be loud, but maybe also teach quiet times. Of course, I have no idea how to do this, but it sounds good!

It is NOT too late for Gannon. We'll exhaust him in a couple weeks. He won't know what to think! Ainsleigh can hold her own:).

[egoldber]

Well, here's the nutshell:

Your goal for the first 3 years of life for your child should be to teach them that while they are wonderful and special, their needs are no more important than anyone else's, ESPECIALLY YOURS! If you manage to do that, he claims you will have a happy, unspoiled child who is a pleasure to live with and escape most of the terrors of toddlerhood. He says that most well educated parents have very little trouble raising children that are well stimulated academically, but these same parents often have difficulty raising children that do well socially.

Is it magic? No. Most of it is common sense. Pick your battles, set your limits and stick to your guns. BUT also know that it's OK to give in sometimes. And if a behavior doesn't bother you, then don't worry about it.

Your mileage may vary, but I have found his guidelines to be simple and effective and no trouble to implement. Is Sarah a happier child today because of it? Well, that's a harder question. But she is a joy (most of the time), has very few tantrums and generally does well in groups with other children. Is that due to Burton White? Well, who knows.

HTH,

[ddmarsh]

Joanne - I really like the book Magic 1, 2, 3, although Gannon may be a bit young for it. Actually, he's probably a bit young for any more structured discipline approach, which is part of the problem with that age. One thing I have done in the past is to leave a situation - just up and leave. As he gets a bit older he will pick up very quickly on having to leave whatever fun you are involved in and to respond very quickly.

In the meantime make your apologies, redirect him and if all else fails tell everyone you're the nanny and you can't imagine why those parents don't discipline that child, LOL :).

Debbie

[smomom]

I don’t have any recommendations yet for a “serious” discipline book – although I will be looking soon. However, I was recently called to jury duty. To pass the time, I checked out Vicky Iovine’s “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Toddlers” from my local library. It’s not rocket science, but if nothing else, the book will reassure you that Gannon is not a terror – but a completely normal “capable-of-being-a-terror” toddler.

As for Burton White or others, I would preview some books at your local library. If you find one that offers advice that you like, then you may want to invest in a personal copy for yourself.

[megsmom]

We recently came through a bout with hitting. We never had a problem with it until Meg was slugged in the church nursery by an older boy over a toy dispute. I think she was about 18 months old at the time. It got really bad a few weeks ago and the holding hands thing, tone of voice, setting down on the floor, etc. that had worked wasn't working anymore. Any time Meg would get frustrated she would start slinging away at my face, pinch me or start banging her head on me or DH. Not okay. She didn't seem to do it with other children much but it was mainly directed at us and occasionally at my daycare provider when we had to say no.

I finally decided enough was enough and started enforcing time outs. They were 1 min and sitting down on the floor (usually restrained) until the microwave timer went off. This took three time and now all we have to say when we see her hand go up is "Do you need time out?" and she stops. I also read her a nice book called "Hands are not for hitting" a lot which talks about other nice things we do with our hands and repeats "hands are not for hitting" over and over throughout the story. Gannon is young enough that he probably doesn't understand the force of his own body yet, you'll have to teach him that. And if he can't body slam the cat, what can he do instead (pet the kitty, while repeating gentle, gentle and make his hand do this). This worked good with animals and now Meghan is very loving and kind to dogs and cats.

Now I realize time outs and books are much more feasible and realistic if your child is 2 years vs. one and able to express themselves a lot better verbally. Just keep with it and eventually Gannon will get it. DH and I were despairing but she really has turned the corner on this. I'm glad that Meghan has a high energy spirit that hopefully will make her less likely to get pushed around by other kids someday, but hurting other people is NEVER okay and will not get you what you want.

By the way, I never read Burton White until after Meghan was after 14 months and she's still okay! She really is a delightful toddler, throws almost no tantrums now, and is usually great in groups. A lot of what he says in his book "The First Three Years of Life" I was already doing, but I did get some extra bits of wisdom that has worked really well with Meg.

Good luck. He will learn this.

Jen
mom to Meghan 7/13/01
and #2 EDD 11/12/03