Baby shower etiquette question

[divabell]

OK, here's the situation. We have a friend who is getting married. The wedding was supposed to be on Sept. 13 in a town where I used to live, two hours from Indianapolis, where my family is. So we got plane tickets into Indy and would see family briefly before/after the wedding. This is the last time we will be traveling to where my family lives before the baby is born.

But, very sadly, my friend's future MIL passed away suddenly. Now they have postponed the wedding. Since we already had our tickets and can visit family, we are keeping our plans as they are. I was telling my SIL about this whole situation, and she said, "Can we have a baby shower for you that weekend, then?" and I said, "Sure!"

But then I thought more about it and realized that I might be stepping on some toes as far as being disrespectful to my friend and inviting people to the shower who would otherwise have been at the wedding. (FYI, my friend lives in England and I assume will not be around.) I don't think there's a question of going ahead with the shower, because it's really important to my family. But should I invite the people who would have been at the wedding? My SIL is going to want to know who I want to invite and I just can't decide what I should do. In general, these are people who I was quite close to when I lived there, and I would really like to invite them, but I would hate to offend or upset anyone since this is already a painful situation. Am I just being overly sensitive?

I am going to talk to a close friend (who was supposed to be in the wedding) about this soon, but any additional advice would be appreciated...

TIA,
Lori R.
EDD 12/2/03

[August Mom]

My only thought is that I wouldn't have the shower at the same time as the wedding would have been held. So, if it was a Saturday afternoon wedding, perhaps have a Sunday afternoon shower or a Saturday morning shower. That way, how do these people know that a shower wasn't already in the works for that weekend if, per chance, someone might be offended. Also, that's over a month from now and I would think that most people who would have otherwise attended the wedding will have moved past the initial shock and sadness of MIL's death. Certainly that probably won't be the case with her family and close friends, but it sounds like those aren't really the people who would be coming to the shower.

Enjoy your celebration.

[MartiesMom2B]

Lori:

I agree with August mom and go ahead with the shower and just make it at another time. Enjoy yourself.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[kristine_elen]

I agree w/august mom, too. If you held a baby shower at the same time as a wedding that was actually taking place, that would be tacky and mean, but that's not the case here at all.

[kathsmom]

Lori,

I agree with August Mom too. I think having the shower at a time that wouldn't coincide with the time the wedding was supposed to be, would be all right. I certainly don't think you would step on any toes.

My MIL passed away 2 1/2 months before my wedding. She had cancer and the doctors were always one step behind it. It was just fast moving. So, I know what your friend is going through. DH and I told his family that we would postpone or cancel the "big wedding" and just have a small family wedding at a later date, but they all told us that DH's mom would not have wanted us to do that. I just want to wish your friend and her fiance all the best since I have been through something similar.

Take care!

[divabell]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I agree with you all... but it may be out of my hands. The first problem is, I was never told exactly what time the wedding was. (It technically wouldn't be a wedding because they would have already been married in England.) It was all pretty casual and low-key and no invitations had been sent out. So I don't really know what any of the details would have been. I don't know if anything had even been decided yet.

Second, I can't really have the shower on Sunday if these people are going to be able to come, because they all go to the same church and there's no way they could drive two hours after that to come to the shower.

And finally, it sounds like my SIL has already decided on a Saturday luncheon shower, which I think is the best option for her and at least some of my family members. I asked my mom her opinion about this issue and she didn't seem to think anyone would take offense. I'm still uneasy... but I may just have to risk it. I realized that I'd already mentioned the possibility of a shower to my one friend who will be in town, and if she knows, then the other people involved might know, and if that's the case and I decide not to invite them, that wouldn't be good either!! Argh...

--Lori R.
EDD 12/2/03

[Marisa6826]

Lori-

Why don't you just consider doing a toast to the dearly departed at your shower?

It might be a nice way to acknowledge her.

Just an idea.

Have fun at your shower! :)

-m

[spu]

I agree with all the above too. In fact, if people are going to be in town, it might be a nice way for them to all get together too, just do it at an off-time, like a Friday night, or some time other than the wedding time. If the wedding was a dinner, consider doing a brunch, or vice-versa. And yes, definitely honor the bride-to-be and her MIL too. Even if this hadn't happened, having a shower the same weekend might have been a good idea since everyone would be around anyways. Talking with the bride-to-be about it is a kind gesture to make sure she's in on it and comfortable too.

and have a wonderful time! this day is for you!

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else