Jack just wants his mama! DH feeling hurt.

[sntm]

It's too early for separation anxiety, but when Jack gets fussy, I'm the only one who can soothe him. I'm not sure if it is my smell, or that I do it more often, or that I do things Chip doesn't do (he refuses to baby talk), but Chip is starting to feel a little hurt that Jack always wants me. I can't decide whether it is better to just take him and calm him down (which denies Chip the chance to learn how to soothe him) or leave them alone, in which case Jack gets all worked up and Chip becomes more convinced that he is no good at this.

I love my DH and he is wonderful about changing diapers and bathing him, etc., but does anyone else feel that you are still the main parent and your husband is an accessory parent? Besides the nursing, I do the soothing, the packing of things for daycare, the dressing, and everything else is at least together. I've now read at least a dozen parenting books. chip has read none. i am in no way complaining (i'm usually happy to do all of this) but i hate that chip would feel less of a parent.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[trumansmom]

Shannon-

We had a similar situation, and from what I've discussed with several of my friends, it's not all that uncommon. But just to let you know, it does get better. As Truman has gotten older, he and his father have definitely created their own relationship that works for them. I'm still the primary soother, and I do all the daycare stuff, dressing, purchasing of diapers and clothing and stuff, but Steve now does all the breakfasts and baths. They've got their own little routine going and really enjoy each other. In fact, when we were on vacation earlier this summer, DS wanted NOTHING to do with me unless he was tired or hurt. It was all about Daddy.

So, I guess what I'm getting at is just give it time. It's hard, because you know how much they are missing out on. But they will create their own special relationship soon.

Good luck!
Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01

[nathansmom]

Shannon-
Nathan still does that at almost 6 months. He'll cry and fuss for dh but the minute I pick him up he calms down. I decided that if dh was trying to do something for Nate and Nate started to fuss I'd let dh finish the task before taking Nate. My dh can now finish a task and play with Nate without him fussing too much. Another thing I did (if I wanted to get something done) was leave dh something that I had worn that day. He'd lay it over him and place Nate on it. Nate seemed to calm down and not fuss.
HTH

[Momof3Labs]

When Jack gets fussy, it's definitely better to let your DH try to work it out than for you to swoop in and "rescue" both of them (if you always do this, it will only make things worse). But to help him out, you should leave the room (or even the house) - he is less likely to succeed if Jack knows that you are hovering there. Of course, if Jack is hungry, you need to step in and nurse him. It wasn't easy for my DH to figure out how to soothe Colin, but it was something that he needed to figure out on his own. And I think that he is a much better father for it.

And like others have said, DH has a special place in Colin's life - when Colin was tiny, I would hand him to DH after nursing and they would play. So Daddy became the fun guy and I was the milk machine :-). Now, Daddy is much better at baths and showers, and he often feeds him breakfast and plays with him in the morning and at bedtime.

[amp]

We are going through this too. DH does so much and is really involved, but I am home with him all day, so sometimes I am the one who soothes Jake best. John has started making comments about how Jake just wants mom or how he's "no good at this" , meaning parenting. I keep assuring him that he's wonderful at it, but then I go and "swoop in" and reinforce his feeling inadequate. I think I need to let them figure it out a little more so that DH can feel as confident in himself and I am in him. It's just so hard to listen to him cry! Hang in there....I'm sure as soon as we figure out this hurdle, there'll be another! ;-)

[cara1]

First of all, how in the world is a surgical resident finding the time to read a dozen parenting books?

I don't have an easy answer either. DH is a wonderful Daddy, but I get stuff ready for daycare, buy diapers, figure out his meals, etc. He successfully puts him to bed lots of times when I'm working late. Sometimes better than I do because DS knows he can play me. When DS wakes up in the middle of the night, DH's ears apparently don't work. But for the few times I'm really tired and I make DH go in to him, he is (of late) fairly unsuccessful at getting him to go back to bed. DS just stands in his crib reaching beyond DH towards where he thinks I am.

So I don't know the answer. Let your DH do what works for you guys and for Jack. Give him more chances to sooth. What happens when you're on call? He might be doing a better job when you're not there. That's what happens to us. Keep us posted.

[Karenn]

Hi Shannon,
The same thing was true at our house for quite a while. Colin has only recently begun to prefer daddy over mommy on some occassions. (In fact he's crying for Daddy at the moment!)

One thing that I think helps us is that I go out once a week in the evening for several hours. Since DH and I both know that I can't, as Lori says, "swoop in and rescue him" he really does figure out things on his own. (I think it may be a desperation breeds creativity sort of thing!) I've always brought my cell phone "just in case" and in the 10 months or so that I've been going out, he has yet to call. Plus, as Jack gets older, I'm guessing he'll get easier to soothe. The legendary end of extra fussiness at 3 months was true for us even though I never considered Colin a fussy baby.

[friedmana1]

Shannon -

Hi, I finally figured out how to disable my security thing to write a message! I just wanted to let you know that exactly what you are talking about happened with my DD and DH. She would scream for me and only I could calm her down. It's even pretty bad right now, especially after a long week, when DD has hardly seen DH at all. It's funny, but by the end of the weekend, they're "old" friends again. It was actually much better when I was still a resident, as DD spent most of every weekend with her, when I was working long hours at the hospital. But now that I am home full time and studying, DD hardly recognizes DH anymore. YIKES! Who is her major caergiver when you are pulling those long nights? That really would be great time for them to bond, because your DS won't have you around to "swooop in." And maybe try giving them some alone time, even when you are home - you could even use the time to take a nap! :) Hope that helps!

Aimee

Mother to Leah 10/26/02

[luvbeinmama]

Shannon,

This is VERY common, as you can see from the other posts. DS (3 1/2 yrs) went through it too, and now I'm under DH on the popularity poll. DD (9 1/2 mos) is going through it now to a degree, though not as severe as your little one. I think until they really start playing with daddy, they cry for mama because they know that mama's the one who always notices if they are hungry or poopy or just tired, and takes care of it right away. DD thinks DH just doesn't get it, so she goes for me unless she's fed & clean & happy. I think what it boils down to is the babies go for the parent who feeds, cleans and soothes them the most, and most efficiently, and that is usually the mommy.

Reassure your DH that his turn will come, and before he knows it, Jack will be wanting him more than you!

HTH!

[himom]

Hi Shannon,

We had exactly the same problem. I always felt that, having studied all the books, I would need to go and rescue "the boys" when the little one got fussy. I know DH was frustrated and felt like he couldn't take care of DS without help.

All this went away within two days of me going back to work. They were stuck with each other and there was no one around to step in and assist, so they both learned fast. =) I think it's the only good thing about Mommy working!

Jodi
Mommy to Joshua, born February 2003

[flagger]

Shannon I have just three words for you.

Leave the House. (not forever just twenty minutes to an hour or longer)

There are some days when Cocoa is inconsolable even for Ms. Flagger. However being able to work out our issues has helped us develop our own special bond. Yes it was hard for her to resist coming in to rescue me and her, but now I am the one who puts her to bed each night. If you are not there, you hear no crying and have no urge for the rescue.

Good luck.

[sntm]

I'm in the lab now -- many fewer hours and no call. And I still can't shake the mulititasking habit and relax, so i read while BF, cooking, riding in the car to and from church, in the bathroom. i'm pumping now while typing.

they did better last night. dh is the master at eliciting farts from a gassy baby.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[LucyG]

Shannon,

When this happened to us, leaving DH with the screaming baby (who clearly wanted Mommy) was so hard for me. Finally, after I had rescued DD (and infuriated DH) several times, he said to me, "You HAVE to let me do this by myself." I could see how much it demoralized him when I took over, so I decided he was right. I took the dogs for a long walk the next time it happened, and he got DD to sleep. He was SO proud of himself! It has been better every other time since then. I feel your pain, though! Those tiny tears are the worst!