When you feel like a failure as a parent

[flagger]

This is copied over directly from Cocoa's private journal. This is today's entry.

Today I feel like a failure as a parent. We went in for a weight check today and you went from 10 lbs, 1 ounce to 11 lbs, 10 ounces. A gain of 26 ounces over a four week period. You are still at the lower end of the percentile for weight. The nurse said you looked a little on the scrawny side.

Am I starving you? I told the doctor that you have been sleeping 10-11 hours at night. I wonder if I need to awaken you to feed you. I feel that you would tell us if you were hungry in the middle of the night. The doctor is loathe to change that pattern now that is established because he is a fervent believer in the power of sleep. He even commented that waking you up to feed would be the LAST thing to try as we could end up in nine months with you still waking up once a night. He said he wouldn't want us to have basically shot ourselves in the foot.

You are also being referred to a pediatric cardiologist because he stills hears a murmur in your heart. We were going to wait to talk about this at our your four month appointment, but since we went in today he wants to have you seen. A heart murmur can be an indication of a problem which could explain why you are not gaining as fast as he would like to see. I am trying to think positively because I see the glass as half full and not half-empty. Your mom and I are NOT sharing this information with your grandmothers.

The doctor has asked us to up the calories from 20 to 22 in each serving of formula we are given. This means less water or we can purchase a type of the same formula that is already measured to provide 22 calories. I offer you more ounces at a feeding and you spit a good deal back. So I back off on the amount I offer. Do I offer more feedings, but then mess up your valuable sleep schedule? Have I f*cked up by allowing you to sleep too much? Mom even feels worse because she couldn't get away to go to the doctor's appointment today.

You do not look like those babies suffering from malnutrition around the world. You certainly do not exhibit any signs of having a failure to thrive. I hope you know it is not personal, we honestly are doing the best we can and know how.

[mamahill]

Oh Flagger - welcome to my world! I've come to a realization that we will ALWAYS second-guess our parenting. When others are offended by people commenting on how chubby their babies are, I am horrified when others comment on how small Ainsleigh is for her age. Thankfully, she has continued to follow the 5th percentile weight curve, but it still makes me wonder if people are secretly thinking I'm withholding nutrition from my child.

As far as the heart murmur goes, my sister (now 24) was born with a murmur. She was about Cocoa's age when they diagnosed it. She went in for surgery and has since led a perfectly normal life (soccer, dance, running, etc.), only indicating there IS something a little different when she has to take penecillin before going to the dentist. I'm glad they're going to have her looked at now - the earlier, the better.

The fact that you are SUCH a diligent parent indicates you are NOT a failure. Also, I think you are experiencing what all mothers feel, (warning: huge generalization coming) but because you are male and males often have the "there's a problem - it must be fixed!" idea, you feel you are a failure if you can't fix it right away. Whereas women are more likely to "talk it out" and we are more likely to have self-esteem issues, so just throw one more issue on there! That's just my take on it.

I feel for you, and I feel for Ms. Flagger who must be absolutely aching right now. Hang in there - you are WONDERFUL parents!

[slknight]

Oh, Flagger. I don't have any good words of advice on the weight gain thing (my son is a porker), but I did want to give you a big hug. From all the posts of yours that I've read, you really do sound like a great father. I don't think you are a failure at all. Sigh. This parenting thing is hard, isn't it?

Susan and Alex (04.18.03)

[COElizabeth]

Gosh, gaining 26 ounces in 28 days sounds right on target for a new baby to me! Isn't an ounce a day considered a good gain at that age? And I think that the nurse was insensitive if the word "scrawny" was actually used. Maybe your DD has simply been blessed with a slender build for which she will be VERY grateful when she doesn't gain 30 pounds in college!

If she is really spitting up a lot, maybe you could make the daytime feedings smaller but more frequent? I too would be reluctant to mess up her nighttime schedule, speaking as one who IS getting up several times a night with an almost-11-month old! If you really feel like she is spitting up most of what she eats, perhaps the doctor should consider treating her for reflux. But remember that a little spit-up can look like a lot!

I'm glad you are getting the murmur checked and hope that it turns out not to be a big deal.

Please tell your DW that no one thinks that she loves her daughter any less for not being able to attend each and every well baby visit with you. I do hope she can go to the cardiologist, though, as I am sure it would be nice to have both parents to ask questions (and remember the answers), support each other, etc.

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[flagger]

Thanks for everyone's input and messages.

Honestly it is only when I offer her more than the usual 4-5 ounces at a time OR if I jiggle her around too much after feeding that she spits up. Otherwise, she is not spitting up at other times.

We did think about smaller feedings more often. We are using the #1 avent nipple. When we swtiched to the #2, she would spit that up because it seemed to be too much too fast than her little tummy could handle. Switching back made all the difference. Who cares if it takes longer to feed I have thought. I am in no hurry to lessen any time spent with her looking into my eyes.

And yes the doctor is calling her back this afternoon so she doesn't have to hear it third hand from me. I couldn't even remember what her length was.

[houseof3boys]

You are certainly not a failure Chuck. You of all people with your rebellious nature of structured parenting should not get caught up with the chart and Cocoa being on the lower end of it. You did so well to sleep train her so I don't think you should worry about waking her either. The only thing I can think of with her spitting up with more than 4 or 5 ounces is maybe try the Dr. Brown's bottle. I know you like the Avent but the Dr. Brown's makes our DS less gassy than the Avent with the #1. You could just get one bottle and use it for a bigger feeding and see if it makes a difference and then just use the Avent's for the "normal" feedings throughout the day.

Chin up - Cocoa is doing great!!

[nitaghei]

Flagger,

Honestly, I really don't know what the heck that nurse was thinking!!! GRRRRR

A weight gain of almost an ounce a day is very good. Really, even 1/2 an ounce is okay. And I'm saying this as a mom to a skinny baby, who dropped many percentiles in weight, and now consistently in the 25 percentile or less for weight (he's between 75th and 90th for height). I've been there, and I almost had a full fledged panic attack at his last appointment over how little weight he's gained. But my ped's belief is - as long as the baby's active, and meeting development milestones, there's nothing to worry about.

You know, someone has to be at the lower percentiles - that's just the nature of the statistical construct. As long as Cocoa is gaining, and moving along HER particular growth chart, I can't see why your ped and the nurse are pushing all this worry on you. Some babies are petite, some are big - that's just the way it is.

I do understand about the heart murmur - and I do hope that it's nothing that can't be taken care of.

And I truly empathize with Ms Flagger - I was torn with guilt because I couldn't be at at least 2 of DS's check-ups. But you, just like my DH, are doing a fabulous job - and perhaps Ms. Flagger can hold on to that comforting thought - as I did.

Lastly, I'm not sure that Cocoa will eat any more. There's lots of research to show that babies are very good at regulating how much they eat, and will not eat any more than they need to. You might want to read Ellyn Satter's "Child of Mine" for some solace on the food issue.

Nita

[liya]

Actually that weight gain sounds fine to me...And the NERVE of that nurse...Ive browsed through your pictures and COCOA looks fine to me...I dealt with Arian loosing weight constantly, not even gaining, just loosing(there of course was a medical explanation to all this and surgery was needed in his case and also massive GI treatments, this was our case)....I felt horrible so i know exactly how you feel...All in all i think the doctor is right about not disturbing her sleeping patterns...She is NOT LOOSING WEIGHT which is the most important thing....

I hope the murmur is nothing to worry about and that when you go to your check up everything has been cleared..its not easy to go through medical problems at this stage of their lives...its not easy for them or for you as a parent so im hoping everything takes a positive outlook...

[jd11365]

I would have shot back at that nurse with "I bet you wish you were a bit more on the scrawny size now don't you..." What a creep! Cocoa is doing absolutely fine. If she were in need of more food, she's at the lower end of a stupid chart...hey, someone needs to be. She's got 10 fingers and toes...is healthy and of course absolutely adorable to boot! As for the murmur...I was born with a mild one myself and have had no ill effects/discomforts/major inconveniences from it my whole life. As a matter of fact, for the mild ones, most kids grow out of it as I did. I'm sure you read about that somewhere. If it is mild, as mine is/was, she will be asked to take precautionary antibiotics before dental work. I'm not a doctor, but just speaking from my personal experience. You are a fantastic father...Take it easy on yourself...Cocoa is a lucky little lady!

[August Mom]

Flagger,

You mentioned that Cocoa is "still at the lower end of the percentile for weight" as if the doctor wants her to increase her percentile. Being in a lower percentile does not indicate a problem per se. It may be a cause for concern when your baby goes from the 75th percentile in an area to the 10th percentile, but if your baby is consistently in a small percentile, that is a good thing. There's no abrupt change indicating a problem. Justin has consistently been in the 10th percentile. In the beginning he was gaining around a 1/2 ounce per day which is the low end of the normal range. So, we generally gained a pound per month which was acceptable to our doctor. If your doctor is concerned about gaining 1 pound 10 ounces, I would ask some questions and find out the basis for this concern because it is not generally supported in what I've read unless there is a different standard for formula feeding versus breastfeeding. It sounds like Cocoa is just a smaller baby. This has nothing to do with you as a parent. You will appreciate her being smaller as she gets older but you can still carry her around in the Bjorn while other parents of babies Cocoa's age have long given up.

As for the heart murmur, I hope that everything turns out okay. At least you'll know whether there's a problem rather than dealing with the uncertainty.

Hang in there. We all have our issues and feelings of failure at times. It sounds to me like Cocoa is doing great!

[partyof5]

Flagger, I don't have any tips on feeding or heart murmurs but I wanted you to know I've read your posts and seen your beautiful pictures of Cocoa and I think that you and the Mrs. are doing a wonderful job as parents. Don't be so hard on yourselves, so chins up! Hugs to all of you...


~Cindy
mommy to...
Isabella (1999)
Sophia (2001)
Ethan (2003)

[mharling]

>You certainly do not exhibit any signs of having a failure to thrive.

I think this says it all. You are doing great!!!

Ds is tiny too and was 5th percentile for weight at his 4-month visit. The ped is not concerned one bit. I think in general, we (the general we) need to get over the idea that a bigger baby is a healthier baby.

I'll be thinking about the 3 of you as you have the murmur checked out. Please keep us posted.

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b3237413c427 - New 6/18

[egoldber]

It sounds like she's doing terrific to me! I was always told 1/2 an ounce to an ounce a day for the first 4 months and then growth slows down.

Sarah also had a heart murmur and it resolved by the time she was 6 months. Actually, the pediatric cardiologist was MUCH more comforting than our regular ped about this. Your regular ped is probably trying to be conservative. The pediatric cardiologist, who is of course used to seeing babies with VERY serious heart defects, should be better able to reassure you that Cocoa will be fine.

Here's a quote from the askdrsears.com website:

"After regaining his birthweight, the average infant gains 4 to 7 ounces a week, or a minimum of one pound a month. Some babies gain weight quickly in the first months after birth; others gain more slowly, but are still within the normal range."

[etwahl]

i too was going to suggest dr. browns. lauren only gets an occasional bottle of ebm (probably not nearly enough). i've used dr. brown's from the beginning, but tried the avent that came with my pump a couple times and noticed a big difference. A LOT more gas. I also notice that when I bounce her around after a feeding, she almost ALWAYS throws up...so I've stopped doing that.

You're doing a GREAT job. Things will be just fine I'm sure.

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[Melanie]

She sounds and looks great. If I were you, I'd complain about the nurse who called my child 'scrawny,' that is awful.

Also, remember those weight charts are antiquated and based upon caucasian formula-fed infants from Ohio...in the 50's or 60's (Can't recall which).

[nigele]

I think the fact that you feel guilt means that you are an excellent parent! I hope everything turns out well with your little one.

Not that this will make you feel any better, but just today, I started crying at our ped's office and told him I felt like a failure. I guess the feeling goes with the territory.

BTW - my Tom is 5% percentile (just climbed back up on the charts.) This has caused me lots of worry and guilt even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't look skinny - he's just a little peanut.

[flagger]

Thanks everyone for their kind words. The pedi called Laura at work and spent 20 minutes on the phone with her. He was very concerned that they had upset me in anyway (didn't mention the scrawny incident). He told her how much he admired me for being the one to stay at home as he could have never done it with his three boys.

He did say the murmur thing is him being conservative and for his own selfish reasons to help rule out the weight gain. It was a concern to me that four weeks ago he was fine with not calling in the pedi cardiologist until her 16 week visit and all of the sudden four weeks later he wants to have her seen in a week. He told Laura the sound is different but he hears something. It has not gone away. An echo will rule out any problems and I know it is non-invasive. The murmur is onething I am NOT LOOKING UP INFORMATION about on the net. I don't want to know anymore and freak myself out for a week. ;)

Laura of course is torn whether she should go or not. I need to find out if it is just going to be an echo, I can handle that. If the results will be immediately read and talked about, then she will come. This is our arrangement with me staying home, but of course for her as the mom it is never easy.

As far as the weight issue. I look at her birth weight and now look 12 weeks later. An ounce a day would be 84 ounces. On that mark, she would have gained 5.25 pounds. So she is playing catch up to her slow gain from her birth weight. Yes she is now gaining almost an ounce a day, but at the beginning she was not.

The thought that I was starving her and not able to read her cues was what made me feel like a failure. The pedi said we were very in tune with Cocoa's cues.

It does not help that the baby next door who is a month older is a chunky baby and exclusively breastfed at that.

[sweetbasil]

Ooh, Flagger, I'm so sorry you're having such a down day. Every baby is different--- Kellen was the same way. He dropped off the bottom of the charts and is still pretty tiny for his age. And now his baby brother, 2 months old (Kellen is 33 mo) weighs 14# 10, and Kellen's hovering right at 26#. Everyone jokes that Charlie's about to outweigh Kellen, and he is. But they're so different. We had to beg Kellen to eat, and still do- he'd rather play all day. Charlie sleeps right until the minute that he is within the range of needing another feeding, and wakes up hysterical until he eats.

Cocoa's going to be just fine. Don't stress out- you all are doing a great job. Kellen may be a little guy, but he's just as happy- and makes us just as happy- as any other baby we'll ever have. And I know the same will be true for you all.

Big hugs to you three,

[MamaKath]

You are doing great! As long as there is a growth pattern that stays on track and doesn't drop off significantly she is doing well. And to have one that sleeps through the night- you are truly blessed. I am envious as my high needs four year old has made it entirely through the night less times than I have fingers to count on. :-(

Oh and the heart murmur may be nothing, I have had one since birth and now at- ummmm,ummmm 27 (can I sell you a bridge too? hee hee) I still have it. After tons of tests, nothing has been found, and I am just fine! So they can just be part of her, kwim?

Anyway {{{hugs}}} you are doing a great job!

[jubilee]

I was under the impression that a baby is doing fabulous to gain an ounce a day for the first 3-4 months- and you are sure close to that!! As for spiting up a lot, I have found that my baby needs to be burped every ounce when he's bottle fed. Then he hardly spits up. Also, I have a heart murmur, and it really is nothing I've had to worry about. No treatment has ever been needed and the only time it comes up is when I've needed surgery for my gallbladder. Best to you,

[Annette_C]

Chuck,
Please don't be so hard on yourself! You are an excellent parent and are doing a great job!!!
It's very obvious how much you love Cocoa and how well you take care of her.
My son used to be "scrawny". I had to put suspenders on his size slim pants or they would fall down! He's now 6'2", 200 lbs!!
I'm sure Cocoa is growing at her own pace and will be just fine. Don't worry too much about the upcoming tests for the heart murmur. Everything will be ok!
Please tell Laura that she's a great mom and that I'm thinking of all of you!
Wishing Cocoa good health,
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[Andrea S]

I think no matter what are kids we feel like we are doing something wrong. I worried because Andrew weighed to much and people would comment on how chubby he was. That comment from the nurse was completely inappropriate. The important thing is that Cocoa is gaining weight. I have not read everyone else's responce so sorry if I am repeating. A lot of babies have begnin murmers and the only way for them to know is to f/u with a cardiologist. Please do not feel like a failure you guys are doing a great job. I know a lot of well fed babies that are in the 5%.


Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02

[smomom]

Don't be too hard on yourself, Flagger. You guys are doing a great job. Her weight gain seems right on track. I also expect that the cardiologist will offer some comforting words for you.

Hang in there and keep us posted on Cocoa's status!

[peanut4us]

Don't worry about all of this! My ped said he really didn't watch the actual pounds, rather he looked at DD's position on the charts... if her whole life she has been in the 50th percentile... then he would get concerned if all of a sudden she was in 80th or 25th. He said most kids stay pretty consistent give or take a few percentiles, which I feel goes along with Ellyn Satter's theory of self-regulation.

When Sara was between 3-4 months, she didn't gain one ounce. At first he wasn't concerned... but after a whole month of no weight gain, we did more tests, etc. But she was just testing out her immune system. And she was quite sick for a while.

I took her back for a weight check about 2 weeks after she got better and she had gained 10 ounces! I was ecstatic. I haven't had her weighed in the last two weeks, but I know she is still gaining, based on her chunking out ;)

Good luck. Oh, before I forget. When Sara was 5 days, she had to go back into hospital for jaundice and the neonatologist let us know she had a murmer, but not to worry about it until she was at least 6 months old. By then, the heart murmer is usually gone.

[cinrein]

Coming in late here, but wanted to say that you are NOT a failure as a parent. It's worth repeating.. You are NOT a failure as a parent.

I think we all have doubts about whether we're reading our babies properly. I tell Anna all the time that I just don't understand her baby ways. Hard as it is, step back and look at the overall picture. Cocoa is gaining, she's sleeping well, she's thriving developmentally. I don't know first hand, but from your posts and pics, I'd say she was a happy baby. These are all indicators of 2 parents who are doing right by their child. Sure we all make mistakes now and then, but you and Mrs. Flagger are not failing. I think if more people put just half the effort you 2 put into raising their children, the world would be a much better place.

BTW, I second the suggestion of getting Ellyn Satter's book, Child of Mine. I bought it recently in preparation of starting Anna on solids and was suprised to discover that I could have used the advice in that book from birth. I wish I had bought it while still pregnant and had more time to read the sections on nursing and bottle feeding.


Cindy
Mama to Anna 2/11/03

[toomanystrollers]

I'm sorry to hear you're doubting your parenting skills but I can tell from Cocoa's photos, she's sure one happy baby! I'm sure when she graduates from college, you'll look back and laugh to think that you were worried about her size. You'll only have to worry about her student loans :)

Take it from someone born with a heart mumur and one of the smallest in my class until jr. high!

Take care,