Baby Gender...to know or not to know....

[MKH76]

I admit, I usually just lurk here. But now I need help. A little background..I live on an island in the southern area of Alaska (Coast Guard husband) My very passive aggressive In Laws (that will be staying with us for a MONTH after the Bean is born) live in Florida. My son will be 20 mos when I deliver in March. Our town is very small, we have no mall, no place to get great high end baby gear, and most companies do not ship here. Fortunately we kept everything we bought when Josh was born (we were living in Massachusetts, so we were able to get some great high end stuff).
Here is my dilema. DH and I have discussed this pregnancy being our last. It's hard to be a military family with a ton of kids (low income, moving alot, vacations to visit family, etc). I don't want to know the sex of the baby. I know I'll be having a C-section. VBAC is not offered here on the island. I'm a nurse, so I work for the only group of doctors that deliver here. For fun, when we have a visiting physician come in (usually monthly specialty docs fly in), my doctor will show them the new ultrasound machine we have using me as the example. My extended family knows this. And I have told them that Dr. X will not do "crotch shots" because he doesn't want to guess wrong. We only look for growth with measurements and physical abnormalities, it is purely diagnostic; mainly to check dates. Everyone goes to the hospital in town for an ultrasound at 20 weeks and over there they can learn the sex if they want. I'll be 20 weeks around Halloween.
That being said, am I a terrible person if I tell the family that the Bean wasn't cooperative and we couldn't see the sex on my one "real" ultrasound? BUT...I know if I am having a girl (I already have a boy) my in-laws would buy us all sorts of stuff we can't get here and ship it up to us. But...if I'm having a boy, I don't want to hear people saying, "oh, too bad your not having a girl, that would be great to have one of each". I don't want to hear anything negative. I've had enough negative. My Father passed away in July and my Mother was just diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago. I have searched deep in my soul, and I don't have a preference for the gender. I would love it either way.
The kids have to share a room and it is already decorated with light green, light denim blue and light buttercup yellow. I'm thinking that's pretty gender neutral. I'm totally not a pink kind of girl anyway, so either way the decor would stay like it is.
Okay, I am rambling now...thoughts? Advice? True stories? Thanks!!

[flagger]

Remember it is YOUR baby and YOUR body. Tell them to please respect your and your husband's wishes that you don't want to learn the sex of the baby. Or make clear instructions with the OB and staff that you do not want to know no matter what.

That way you are not lying when you say, "Gee MIL, we don't know."

[MartiesMom2B]

Are you on Kodiak Island by any chance? My uncle is stationed up there too w/ the Coast Guard. Chances are that you or your DH knows him, if you are.

I don't think that it's bad if you tell your family that the baby was uncooperative if you don't want to reveal the sex. I told DH that with the next baby I'd like to find out what I'm having but not share it with anyone. If you think your family would act more positively if you were having a girl, you could always go ahead and tell them if it was a girl but keep it a secret if it was a boy. Does that make sense.

Take care. No one else should rain on your parade when you are pregnant.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[MKH76]

Yup, Sonia...I'm on Kodiak. Small town, so I know all the OB staff. They all know where I stand and the problems we all have with family living so far away. I've thought about letting them just tell DH so he can tell MIL and not tell me, but I know somehow someone would mess up and I'd end up knowing.

I know the U/S person and he is going to write it down and seal the envelope and I am going to put it in the clinic safe (where I can't get to it in the middle of the night when I am awake and thinking about all these things!!LOL). The only reason for doing that is because DH may have to go away and might not be able to make it back in time for the birth. If that is the case, we will find out before he goes, so he is not the last to know when it happens. Does that make sense?

[MKH76]

Yup, Sonia...I'm on Kodiak. Small town, so I know all the OB staff. They all know where I stand and the problems we all have with family living so far away. I've thought about letting them just tell DH so he can tell MIL and not tell me, but I know somehow someone would mess up and I'd end up knowing.

I know the U/S person and he is going to write it down and seal the envelope and I am going to put it in the clinic safe (where I can't get to it in the middle of the night when I am awake and thinking about all these things!!LOL). The only reason for doing that is because DH may have to go away and might not be able to make it back in time for the birth. If that is the case, we will find out before he goes, so he is not the last to know when it happens. Does that make sense?

[AngelaS]

If you don't want to know, you don't want to know. :) Don't make any excuses and you don't have to tell any lies. Just keep repeating, "We want to be surprised". Any time any one asks, pretend to be a broken record and keep repeating it.

We have two girls. My MIL REALLY wanted a boy. We found out ahead of time both times that they were going to be girls. I heard all the rude comments ahead of time---you will hear them after delivery. My advice---roll with the pregnancy or post partum hormones and tell her how you REALLY feel. :D That's so much more fun than holding it in! LOL

And hopefully they'll bombard you with gifts either way---my second dd has been sadly neglected by MIL. If she'd been a boy.....

[emilyf]

We didn't find out, and neither of my cousins who were due within a few months of me found out either. We all just told people (and the ultrasound techs) that we wanted it to be a surprise. I would just tell your mil that you want to be surprised and leave it at that.
Emily \r\nmom of Charlie born 11/02

[lizajane]

a good friend of mine didn't find out and received lots of nice yellow and green gifts. then when the baby was born and the parents annouced that they had a girl, they got tons more gifts- pinks and dresses. so don't worry. folks will still send you girl things if you have a girl and didn't tell them ahead of time. that is what birth annoucements are for! and you can always ask we bb folk to mail things to you!!

i am a really straightforward person 99% of the time. if i decide not to find out with number 2, i will tell people that i chose not to find out. the end. i don't take crap. and you don't have to either!

[alleyoop]

Hats off to y'all for having so much self control! DH and I were very excited about finding out early, and then we couldn't keep the secret. I agree that if you don't want to know, you should stick to your guns. My favorite response to my MIL when she makes negative comments is "Surely you didn't mean to sound so hurtful(or negative, ungrateful, to hurt my feelings, etc)"

My cousin is the fire chief on the military base on Kodiak! Maybe you know him or his family? His first name is Russ. I spent a summer in Alaska when I was in High School and thought it was the most dynamic place I have ever been to! Have you seen the Northern Lights? I always wanted to go back when it wasn't 24hrs light so that I could see them.

All my luck to you!

[Ryansmom]

We decided not to find out the gender of our baby. Niether of us cared what the gender would be and we both liked suprises so...we waited.

One of my most special - unbeliveably sweet memories of my life (perhaps the best) - was when our son was born. He was born under trying circumstances and the doctor didn't announce the gender. My husband looked at our new baby and said "Chris it's a boy". I will never in a million years forget those words. It's was so special that my husband made the discovery and shared it with me.

I agree with the other posts. If you don't want to know - don't! Let it be a suprise. You sound like a strong wonderful mommy. Enjoy your amazing journey!

[lukkykatt]

I am someone who likes to know everything BUT my first DS would not cooperate with us at all. Then everytime I tried to get another US, something wouldn't work out - the tech was gone, machine was broken, etc. So, I decided it was not meant to be, and didn't find out. Yes, I got lots of green and yellow at my shower, but alot of people mailed me "boy clothes" once he was born.

With our second we did find out and I was shocked to learn I was having another boy (I was so sure it was a girl). We did tell everyone, and no one said anything negative at all.

If you are sure you don't want to know, I would stick to your guns and let everyone know your preference. Everyone will share in your joy at the birth, and can mail appropriate gifts then if they are so inclined. If you need "girl things" can't your IL's bring them when they come to stay with you?

[mharling]

You said in your post that you don't want to know, so I think you should stick with that. It sounds like you are at peace with not knowing and as long as your dh is too, that's all that matters. I would also tell people that you chose not to find out rather than lying and saying the baby was not cooperative. We did not find out and everybody respected that decision. The same should be true for you! Good luck.

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b32e1840e40d - New 9/8

[wendmatt]

If you don't want to find out you shouldn't. My mum thinks it's life's last secret and it's a terrible thing to find out before the baby's born! However, I'm too impatient and wanted to know and she didn't want to be the last to know so I had to tell her!! It's yours and dhs decision and not mils. If it is a girl they'll just buy gifts after she's born so I wouldn't worry. When they're small yellow and green is perfect. If it is another boy, how wonderful that your son will have a brother.
Just say you want a surprise. If you don't like the confrontation though it's not a terrible thing to say you couldn't see, whatever makes for a peaceful life for you! And I really hope your mum is OK.

[MKH76]

Thanks Wendy. I'm just trying to avoid confrontation with my MIL. She's just one of those people who constantly tells me how our generation has so many more advantages in raising children then hers. I feel like I have to constantly reassure here that she was a great parent, obviously raised a great boy, or he wouldn't have found such a fantastic wife. LOL

She makes me feel like I am taking away her "right to know" I guess. Just more guilt on me since I told her we would not be flying to visit for Christmas.

I guess it sounded pretty shallow when I mentioned about gifts. But I was meaning for it to be that if I knew it was a girl/boy, I could ask her to pick up some stuff and ship it. I'm sure she's already shopping.

I feel like because I know I will be going in for a C-section on March 24 I just don't want to be lying there thinking "hmm...okay" I would rather be excited about finding out the sex, than nervous about the whole surgery thing.

Oh well, I still have a long while to think about it.

[KathyO]

I'm coming in a bit late on this, but I find that people have mostly backed down when I smile and say, "Oh, but that's like opening your presents before Christmas!"

When pressed (and when it's someone I am not inclined to say, "bug off!" to), I tell the story of my old school roomie, who was told on THREE separate ultrasounds that she was having a girl... then had a lovely baby boy. (Her father's comment was the best part: "It's the stealth penis - it doesn't show up on radar!") Fortunately she hadn't gone crazy with pink everything! Sooo, if MIL is persistent, you can tell her that tale and talk about how you don't want to take chances on a mistake!!! (Her "right to know"? Puh-leez.)

Alaska, huh? Cool. I worked a while in a truck stop town just south of the Northwest Territories - the last gov't outpost for many hours' drive, so lots of young people early in their careers... and lots of babies being born! I imagine that your community is not too different!

Cheers,

KathyO