Feel Sorry for Me

[farsk]

Hello Everyone!

I return to work next week after three months off with Ellen. To get her aclimated to day-care, we went to "play with the babies" for an hour Monday and Tuesday, and Ellen stayed by her self for three hours on Wednesday. When I left she was smiling (I was crying) and when I returned, she was smiling (I was still crying!).

I know this is much harder on me than it is for her, and I know this will not kill me....but it's killing me to have to leave her! DH and I were gone for 3.5 hours last night for dinner (my birthday!), and when I called to check on Ellen, she jabbered away in the phone and I cried....basically, I'm a crying fool!

Thanks for letting me vent. Any tips on how to make this bearable will be greatly appreciated!

-Shannon
Mom to Ellen 7/23/2003

[cthuynh91]

I have no tips because I feel the same way and he's at home with my mom. I have given in and call home 4 - 5x a day to hear him make little noises in the background. It's very hard. I feel for you and I'm sure many people here can empathize. Hopefully at some point it will get better, but meanwhile vent away b/c I'm right there with ya.

Carina

[Rachels]

I can't believe she's three months old already! That was FAST. Shannon, I can barely imagine how you must be feeling. I'm still home with Abigail after 17 months, and I'm just now starting to think about picking up a little work here and there. I never thought I would stay home this long, but it breaks my heart to think about being away from her. I know you must be feeling so sad. Vent anytime-- it's well within your right! We're here for you.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[Jen841]

It is hard. I had to have DH take him to daycare the first 2 weeks b/c I could not stand to do it. Thank goodness for our Mother's Room hear. I could pump and cry.

It does get easier. We LOVE our daycare which I think makes a world of difference. It will be fun to get into a new routine. I love the trip home from work and picking him up each day. I arrive to a big smile and he babbles to me the whole way home.

I am told Jude made a handprint and footprint project at "school" the other day. I can't wait to see it!

[starrynight]

Hugs for you mom, that has to be tough. But if Ellen was smiling then you know they are nice, caring people taking care of her. :)

[Dcclerk]

First, I do feel sorry for you. I really do. I went back to work 3 weeks ago, and I totally understand. Unfortunately, I still cry, too, but not nearly as much.

For me, I found that having my DS "shrine" helps a lot. Anyone who comes within 20 feet of my office is accosted by me and has to look at 3 billion pictures of my little guy. For me, talking about him and looking at pictures of him helps me feel connected.

I also read somewhere, and I think it is true, that you make better connections when you have rituals. I don't get to see him more than 2 hours before he goes to bed (and often just 1 hour) so I really want to make my time with him count. From the time I pick him up, we do "our" thing...

I sing him the same song on the way home. He used to hate the car ride, but I've found that lately, he lets out a big contented sigh when I see our song, and he even seems to try to sing along.

When we get home, we play. Sometimes I try to read to him, sometimes I lay by him while he plays with the gymini, etc., but this is his time to do what he wants and I will interact with him if he wants, or just watch him if he is engrossed.

Then we go for our walk. By the time it is walk time, he is usually getting the late afternoon/early evening fussies. But our walk works magic. I walk with him in the sling because I adore holding him and that is how he was the vast majority of the day when I was on maternity leave so I feel like it connects us to the way we were. We just go walking around the neighborhood, but I stop at anything that catches his eye and discuss everything we see. Often, he "tells" me (at 4 mos:) ) all about the things that we pass, too.

Our walk calms him down and then it is time for baby massage and/or bath. This may be my favorite time because it is the time when we can just look at each other and love. Total connection. Then I feed him. Then I put him to bed.

Obviously, things get moved, the routine gets shortened, etc. But overall, the structure is still the same. DS knows what we do when I come home. I totally look forward to our special time when I get home from work, and our routine has helped tons in keeping down the fussing. Initially when I came back from work, I tried to do all kinds of varied things and it just made my already relatively high strung guy, more cranky. When we just have our mellow routine, I get very few sour faces.

Wow... that is probably more than you ever wanted to know about what I do with DS. I do know, though, that I really liked concrete suggestions when I was in your shoes, so maybe a little will help.

In sum, when you go back to work:

1. Know that you will cry and be traumatized but that DD will not. She will do great, and is getting great care.
2. Bring pictures of her and other things related to her so that you can feel connected to her while away from her.
3. Realize that most kids are naturally fussy right when we get home. Try to figure out some "fuss-busters" and do them routinely.
4. Know that you are still the mommy and are doing the very best for your family by being at work. You should have no guilt... it does neither one of you any good.

Good luck to you. It really does get better.

[nigele]

Sorry, no tips. But I DO feel really sorry for you, poor thing!

[COElizabeth]

Kerry,

What an inspirational and helpful post! When Allison was trying to decide whether to leave her job to be a SAHM, she asked for pros and cons of staying at home. I said one downside I could think of is that I think moms who work outside the home sometimes really treasure the time they have with their babies and make the most of it. I'm not saying that SAHMs don't do that, too, but in my own case, I often think that my neighbor interacts with her baby in a more positive and involved way because she has had a good long break from her DD, while by late afternoon I am usually getting antsy for my baby to go to bed. Your routine and the way you describe it are just beautiful, and your ideas are good for any parent, whether working outside the home or not. Thanks!

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[sntm]

kerry,

you articulated everything I would say better than i could. it is so tough, and everything that you think should make you feel better often makes you feel worse -- I'm so relieved that Jack adores his daycare teachers enough to give them big "I-missed-you" grins on Monday morning, but it also hurts just a little too. And now that it is looking like he will need an earlier bedtime -- even less time to spend with him! But Shannon, I promise it will get easier. Email me if you need to talk.


shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03