Tips for dealing with intense jealousy (or envy, really, I guess)

[deborah_r]

My playgroup met at a very nice woman's house on Thursday, and I have absolutely nothing against her. She is very friendly and was a gracious host. But I was so incredibly envious of her house and her apparent "happy" life, that I could hardly get to sleep that night and I was totally depressed for the rest of the day! Her baby is a little older than mine (by a few weeks or a month) and she had a bunch of nice pictures of her baby in frames already and her house while not a total dream house was very nice and they had obviously been able to do some remodeling and customizing.

I live in a one-bedroom apartment, on the 3rd floor, with 2 cats and a dog and now a baby. We have been married for 9 years and have moved all over the place and I feel like we still haven't started our life yet. I have been so scatter brained that I haven't even gotten one picture of Kai into a frame (I have a little perfectionist problem and if it can't be perfect, I just don't do it) And our "portraits" that we did we haven't printed yet. I'm comforted by the fact that we have the negatives and proofs and at least we've recorded the images, but we have no time to print them.

Anyway, I'm rambling - but I was so jealous of this woman, and it made me really mad at myself to feel that way. Does this make me a bad person, or just a pathetic unhappy person?

EDITED: Forgot to mention, the biggest part <must have blocked it out>: when I saw her nursery I just wanted to cry right there, being that I don't even have one. I know Kai could not care less about having a nursery, but I guess I just feel like I'm not getting to enjoy this whole baby experience to its fullest.

[elvisfan]

Deborah-I am going to PM ya :)

[MamaKath]

(((Deborah))) I feel the same way so often. We have moved very often too, and though we do have a nice house at this point, it is hard to adjust and feel like I fit in anywhere. Even on the boards, one of the few constants in my life since I have had kids, I often feel like I am missing out on *something* (I often think this can be intensified by the fact that you are only seeing what people want you to see online). Anyway, email me if you'd like to talk nyconcordia @ hotmail.com (no spaces).

[flagger]

While all are important, my favourite commandment has been about not coveting the things of others. Remember unconditional love is absolutely free; everything else is just gravy.

[toomanystrollers]

I often feel the same way w/my neighbors' homes. Our home is very modest. We do about everything ourselves - no decorators, landscapers, cleaning help, etc. Our yard looks like crap. The house needs to be painted. All in a subdivision full of people trying to keep up with the Joneses. My car has 130k miles w/a nasty squeek developing. Just try to remember - it's all just "stuff". Some of the most miserable people I know live in the most beautiful homes and a lot of them carry tremendous amounts of debt. I cherish my family, my health, my pets and all the furballs rolling around my house.

[luvbeinmama]

Try to remember that all that stuff isn't what makes one happy. I tell you, DH worked on an ambulance as an EMT for a while, and there are a LOT of rich people out there that are just totally messed up. They can afford a lot of stuff, but isn't it Kai's smile that really makes you happy? And just because they seem to have it all together, doesn't mean they really do. There are probably things she has to do and go through that would really make you cringe and go insane. We each have our own unique burdens, and no one is better at carrying yours than you. Don't envy her life because you probably wouldn't want it once you were there. (I AM preaching to myself here, too!) I have a very modest home that looks like a hurricane hit it, and I have very rich friends that have homes 3-4X the size of mine, and they have gardeners, maids, mother's helpers, etc. and their homes are immaculate. But, my house suits me, and I would probably not know what to do with their mansions. Anyway, if you want to look at a house that is NOT in order, come on over! LOL!! I have pictures in boxes (not albums, because I just don't find the time). I have half done projects. I have a mound of "stuff" on my table. And my bathrooms seem to get cleaned more for company than on a regular basis! But I have 2 very sweet kids that I adore, and a husband that I love dearly and loves me with all his heart. I wouldn't trade that for anything!!!

[houseof3boys]

Deborah that little green monster gets all of us at one time or another (happened to me 2 days ago and I didn't sleep either!) and it certainly doesn't make you pathetic or sad.

So what if she has all of the material stuff and a nice house? You are such a great mom Deborah and the one point you made already you need to repeat to yourself tonight as you are going to sleep....Kai could not care less about having a nursery! Kai cares about having a sweet mommy that is there for him and he certainly has that with you.

I have pictures of Ryan in a stack about 9 feet away from me but not in a frame either if that makes you feel any better. :P

[jojo2324]

Deborah, you're normal!! Neither a pathetic unhappy person nor a bad person! Don't worry too much...I myself get into this weird tug-of-war between wanting that perfect Martha Stewart house to living with no TV and growing all my own food. (Wait, Martha does that too, right? :))

The other day I was at a mommy friend's home and I thought to myself how clean and neat everything was...And she had nice frames up all around. A far cry from the probably 4 dozen envelopes of pictures I have sitting in a box somewhere, no where NEAR an album. I'll get to it eventually. When the kiddos are in college. :)

I DO remember having a slight light bulb moment while Gannon was still in the hospital. You know those hospital t-shirts? They're long sleeve, with foldover hands, and ours said the hospital name in big block letters on the front. I just realized that he couldn't care LESS about that shirt. He just needed to be warm, held and fed to be happy. And now, when I get down because times are tough, I just look at Gannon and how smily he gets chasing the cats or playing with his ball...sometimes I envy him for his appreciation of the small things. :)

Oh, and my new thing is telling myself that some homes are inherently dirty. Obviously, mine falls into that category, and even if Martha herself was to live here after us, she wouldn't be able to whip it into shape. I know that eventually my life will be in order, but maybe not today or next week.

[kristine_elen]

Rent the film "Ararat" about the Armenian genocide of 1915 and your life will suddenly seem so much better. (It really is a great, though horribly sad, film.) After I watched it, I wondered how I could ever be envious of my friends who have more money than me -- an emotion I'm sad to say I have felt from time to time.

[miki]

I feel like this all the time. We have been living in our "temporary" home for almost 3 years because we have not found a house we thought was worth the money the sellers wanted. Most of our things are in boxes in the garage because we have no room in this place. The "nursery" has more of our stuff in it than baby's stuff. And I have yet to finish hanging up the pictures and things that I got to decorate the walls.

Don't feel bad about not yet having framed your baby's pictures. I haven't done that. In fact, I've been married now for almost 6 years and the proofs and negatives for our wedding pictures are still sitting in the closet waiting for me to pick the photos that would go in the album that I decided I would put together myself because I like doing stuff like that.

[bluej]

As someone who has been married for thirteen years and moved nine times I know exactly what you are saying when you say you don't feel like you have started your life yet. I make friends at new locations and their homes are always put together and decorated just so...not mine. I have some great furniture and the decor all ties in nicely, but it rarely goes w/ the style of home we are living in. And the home is never exactly how I want it, but we don't have the time to make all of the changes I would make if it were going to be my home for any amount of time. And it really kills me b/c I love to decorate. I love to have pretty things and have them look perfect w/ the perfect color of walls behind them. By the time I get the home how I want it to be, it's time to move. So I never really get to enjoy it. So, yes I get incredibly envious of other peoples homes. Maybe not exactly the homes, but the fact that they are there long term and get to enjoy their home exactly how they have it/want it. And don't get my started on the pictures and frames thing. Mostly b/c that's my own laziness and I can't blame that on DH and his career! Trust me, you are not alone w/ how you are feeling! But like the others said, appreciate what you do have b/c you are blessed and who knows what goes on w/ that woman's life behind closed doors.

[hez]

I want my DH to read this string...

I love my house. Pre-DS I was slowly redecorating room by room to make it 'mine', and it feels cozy now. Yes, it's cluttered right now, and the study (where I spend most of my time right now for BF'ing, paying bills, playing on the 'puter) is a total disaster area. But needlessly, DH is starting to get that itch for a new house-- he wants something bigger, better, etc. He's been visiting our friends who live in those bigger, better houses without me, and I think the green monster has him! Can't he see that I'm emotionally invested in this home? Doesn't he get that I don't want a mortgage that can't be paid by one salary-- so that someday I won't have to work?

On the other hand, you know who I'm jealous of? Our good friends whose home is smaller and cozier. My girlfriend has amazing ways to make a dollar stretch, creative ideas for homemade gifts, invitations, thank you's, and so much love to give to our circle of friends that it makes me feel small for not having as big a heart as she and her husband have. She's the girlfriend who was in the LDR room with me to keep me calm; she's the girlfriend who threw our baby shower; they're the couple our circle of friends seems to gravitate towards for planning group get-togethers. I like the fact that I'm jealous of their huge hearts, because I think it makes me try to be a better person, to be more thoughtful, more giving, and more loving.

To me, it's all about the intangibles-- which is what I think everyone else is saying, too. I have a 'Blessings Book' I keep. I used it quite a bit during a really rough spot a few years ago, and I pull it out on occasion to add to it or read it over. I write in things I feel blessed to have-- people in my life, situations that have worked out, etc. When you start counting your blessings, it's a lot easier to stay positive.

[Bethann31]

For almost 15 years I was married to a man who made tons of money, I lived in very nice houses in gorgeous neighborhoods and on golf courses. I had nice cars and the people around me probably thought I had it made. But, we were so deep in debt that I was never able to spend any money at all. I never owned a swing, an exersaucer, a bouncy seat, a nice car seat, a high chair or any of the fun stuff my newest daughter enjoys. I never bought my children clothes in nice stores or anything like that. And, I was miserable all the time.

Now, I live in a big house (got it in the divorce), but I am married to a wonderful man who makes about 25% of what my ex-made. Together, we earn enough to get by. With child support, we do ok. With the money I inherited when my mom dies last year, I paid off the bills I inherited from my first marriage.

And, I'm still jealous of those who don't have to work full-time, and can buy whatever they want. I don't have any tips for getting past it, but I can empathize. I'm jealous of people on these boards who own 2 or more Britax carseats or $700 strollers. It's not easy, but I just have to remind myself that it isn't what I don't have, it's what I do have. That is, a husband who loves me (not a woman on the side) and wants to come home to me at night, and 4 beautiful children who would rather be with me than anyone else. You have that as well, which makes you one of the luckiest (and richest) people on earth.

Beth
mom to 3 (13, 11 and 8) and then 1 more (06/04/03)

[starrynight]

I know what you mean, my neigbor"s house always look immaculate, you would not guess she has 3 kids. My house always looks like a tornado ht it LOL. I'm a bit jealous of the "order" she has to her house, but than again I remind myself we have more stuff in the same amount of space so our house is cluttered more than anything. I also remind myself I would rather play with my kids or take them outside then be a slave to my house like she is.

And we move alot too hon, and in 3 kids I have never had a "nursery" yeah the baby had their own room but it wasn't themed or painted or anything nice like I wanted but the kids don't care :). I always joke with dh maybe when he retires and the kids are out of the house then I will paint a nursery anyway just so I got the chance.

[deborah_r]

I knew you guys could make me feel better! I do usually feel pretty good and remind myself that we have our health and a beautiful new baby and happy little pets, but some days it's hard to not want more!!!

Thanks for all the time you all put into your responses, I really appreciate it! :)

[kransden]

Isn't it funny how society and tv give you a set of expectations on what your house and motherhood should be like. If you don't have all these things, you're not doing it right. Even poor people on tv have really nice apartments. Don't let it get you down. It is hard not to be jealous of those people, but you never know the road they had to travel to get there. My sister has a beautiful custom built house, but they never go anywhere or do anything. She wouldn't even let her kid leave the house when she went to college. BORING! but she is happy. We have a much smaller house, but we love to do things. So we would rather spend the money on that. I bet you could save a lot of money if you didn't have pets, but what sort of life would that be? I bet Kai will look back at a busy happy life when he is older. Dogs to love and be licked by, cats tails to pull...

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[brigmaman]

Deborah, You are NOT pathetic, just human. There are always going to be people who have more and people who have less than you. There will always be a friend who is more organized and one who is less organized, etc. I tell myself this often. I live in a resort area where my crowd (my family and friends) are the "help." Our jobs are usually to nanny for, teach, tutor, and otherwise serve people who come to spend their money here, while we have a hard enough time making a home here ourselves. So pretty much everyday, especially in the summer months, we are confronted with people who have endless amounts of money, help, etc.
I always have to remind myself as many pps have said, that money does not equal happiness. Actually, just paying my bills equals happiness at this point. My horoscope the other day said something about not having to own something to appreciate it. Ofcourse that was contrary to my whole way of living/thinking, but it makes sense. We have had to cut so many corners this year- we are practically round! (Sorry, so corny!) But really, there is nothing I can think of that we weren't able to live without.
I do wonder if this envy is specific to women though, my dh has built houses and renovated multi-million dollar homes and always seems pretty content!
Everyone here seems pretty down to earth, so we are lucky to have that. It is comforting to hear about other imperfections...like my wedding pictures sitting next to me in a box in the pouches from the photo place... from 4 years ago! :)
Sorry to ramble... counseling myself too I guess!

[luvbeinmama]

I just had to add this, it is from the Sunday comics section. Do any of you read Between Friends by Sandra Bell Lundy? She is just great! Anyway, her strip last Sunday is a perfect addition to this thread, it's a poem (complete with pics, of course, but we'll have to do without them).

"ONE DAY I'LL FRAME THE ARTWORK
I BOUGHT LAST YEAR AT THE FAIR,
AND I'LL HANG IT IN THAT
PERFECT SPOT--
ALTHOUGH I'M NOT SURE WHERE

I'LL FIND THE PERFECT GUEST TOWELS
TO MATCH MY BATHROOM WALL,
AND MY KITCHEN TABLECLOTHS
WILL CHANGE
IN WINTER, SPRING AND FALL

SO WHEN YOU COME FOR DINNER,
YOUR FORK MAY NOT MATCH
YOUR KNIFE--
PERFECTION'S NOT MY PRIORITY,
I'M BUSY LIVING LIFE!

[alkagift]

Deborah,
I have to say, even though it's late in this discussion, that I've been there and understand completely where you're coming from. I wanted to share what my DH said once when we were returning home from a party and I was so green over the kitchen I saw (I have an galley with my washer and dryer IN the kitchen). I said, "did you SEE that kitchen? It was perfect!" My DH said, "yeah, it looked like she spent all day cleaning." It made me realize that I have no idea what people go through to get their homes ready for visitors.

THEN it made me think about the H-E-double-hockey-sticks I used to put my DH through when we had parties--he couldn't enjoy himself because I was a royal pain, stressed, and had worked us into the ground until 5 minutes before the first guest arrived! Once, I overheard a neighbor tell his wife that our bedroom looked like a bed and breakfast. That was nice, but my DH fell asleep at 8:30 'cause I wore him out--fun party, huh? I decided to relax, put on fun music and dim the lights in the future so people couldn't see I hadn't dusted!

Allison
Mommy to Matthew, 5/19/03