For the first time mommies to be from a first time daddy's POV

[flagger]

This is taken from a post in the Bitching section...

I had to bite my tongue on numerous occasions because...

Invest in some tongue guards before your baby is born. We are not you, we will never be you. We parent different, not necessarily better or worse than you, just differently. The best thing you can do for us is to not hover. If we need your help, we will call for it. Coming into rescue us just tells us you have a lack of faith in us as a parent. Remember we are just as scared about this as you are.

If you are really brave, allow us to give that first bath. You can take pictures. Have your DH/SO get into the tub of possible with your baby. Skin to skin contact is just amazing and the trust that a baby has in his or her eyes in the person holding them is beyond words. But then, leave the room and let the baby and dad bond. Don't watch or you will make us more nervous. Stand just out of view with the towel when we call you.

And just as an FYI, I called the local pediatric emergency room this week and found out some interesting statistics. Not once in the past 10+ months has a baby been admitted to the ER with the chief complaint being:

Diaper was on the wrong way

Baby held wrong while feeding

Socks didn't match

Clothes were on backwards

Clothes didn't match, were hideous combinations

Hair was washed before rest of body

[deborah_r]

I agree with most of what you say. The two things that bother me about my DH in particular:

Sometimes, but not always, he thinks as soon as he is home from work, he is DONE for the day. Nothing else. And I am even working part-time, and he will still think this on the days that I don't go to work. He does not understand that I could use a little break when he comes home.

The other thing is he doesn't read or research anything regarding baby care, but then he questions the way I do things. If he would like to debate the correct way, I would like to see where his info comes from.

I know I for one am guilty of telling him he is not doing something right, but that is not the whole problem. I think it sometimes just reverts back to it being the "woman's job" to care for the baby.

So I imagine you are biting your tongue when we make statements like "men are helpless" or "why can't DH's help more", but we are just saying that out of frustration. Kind of the way most men gripe to eachother about how women always nag!

[cara1]

I always wash the hair before the rest of the body. What's wrong with that?

[deborah_r]

I think it's about the baby's wet head getting cold while you are washing the rest of the body. I think I remember reading that, but I always forget it. I had forgotten about it until this post and I too looked it that thinking "what's wrong with that?"

I followed written bathing instructions when Kai was under a month, now I just kind of wing-it! I just remember to wash his bum last!

[pritchettzoo]

I think the big "secret" is getting the daddy comfortable with the baby. When you feel insecure about something, you are going to be hesitant to try. There's actual research on this! Dads have no idea what to do (which is scary for most men) and thus feel that they will do a bad job. So they don't want to try because who wants to try something when they think they're going to fail? Eventually the baby winds up in dad's hands and *gasp* the baby cries. Dad thinks it's him and he's broken the baby and he sucks and so he backs further away. That's why Daddy Boot Camps are so great!

It was the opposite with me and DH. He has way more live baby experience (i.e., real babies as opposed to text book babies) than I do, and he was the one telling me to just do it!

And I didn't know about the hair washing thing! Yikes. Good thing she hasn't wound up in the er! :P

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[bluej]

Okay, my DH has three younger sisters. Two of which are 11 and 14 years younger than he is. And we are on our third baby. You would think the man would know how to change a diaper!!!! That's right he still gets it on wrong, I would say, 70% of the time. I swear he's doing it to get out of diaper duty! The rest of the stuff he's great at! But he does get frazzled when the baby is fussy and hands him off. He just wants him when he's fun. Doesn't bother me all that much, but only b/c I have a very easy going baby! You made some excellent points Flagger!

[todzwife]

LOL! Thanks Flagger! It's nice to have your POV. :)

[deborah_r]

Jen,

How is he with the older children? I'm thinking, just knowing how my DH is, that he'll be much more interested in doing stuff with DS when he is a little older. He definitely is bonded with him now, don't get me wrong, but he does not deal that well when DS cries. And I think he gets a little bored with him - he keeps wanting him to crawl or walk or talk or something! He is not as endlessly fascinated with Kai's every little coo as I am!

[bluej]

I think that's typical w/ most men (correct me if I'm wrong Flagger). I think they are more interested in action and movement than sitting and reading and cuddling. Don't get me wrong, Paul is a great cuddler (especially if it means he'll get some extra sleep), but he really likes it when he can get on the floor and roll around and tumble w/ them. He's great w/ the older kids. Alex is getting to that age where, ehem, hormones are kicking in, and he's having a harder time w/ that. He doesn't understand just leaving her alone. He wants to 'fix' whatever is wrong. But that's for another post. As soon as the kids become mobile and steady, you can't seperate him from them!

[McQ]

Debroah ~ Kai's pictures are great. Love the hair! Declan is a cue ball and I can't wait for him to have hair like that.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[flagger]

I love that she is more mobile, but I now cringe at what she can get into. We live in a dog proofed house not baby proofed. And with us getting ready to move it is deciding how much to do where and how much to invest into it.

I love cuddling, but Cocoa has been one who likes to entertain herself and will let me know if she wants to be held and cuddled. But again what happens in this household is very atypical to most. Because I was staying at home, I did much more diaper changes than Laura before she went back to work full time.

[Meatball Mommie]

I totally agree that "hovering" is bad for DH bonding with baby and I try (really hard) not to do it :0) Your post is so right though, although sometimes it's hard for a woman to see it from a man's point of view. Actually my DH is great about the basics (diaper changes, bathing...). When we were in the hospital I had to be hooked up to an IV for 24 hrs after I had DS, so DH did all the diaper changes initially and the nurses showed him (not me) how to bathe the baby. So when we got home, I was the nervous one because I hadn't changed a single diaper (plus we had the circ care and the umbilical cord thing to deal with). I think the hospital experience really helped my DH and made him feel more confortable with DH.

DH does admit that when DS is fussy, it makes him nervous and he always thinks that DS needs to eat whenever he cries, but otherwise he does a great job. We'll see as DS gets older how well his clothes match when daddy dresses him!

[deborah_r]

Allison,

Thank you so much!!

Deborah

[DDowning]

I think this is a great POV to share. Since Day 4 when we came home from the hospital, bath time has always been Daddy's time. DH washes and cares for him. In the beginning he would bring DS to me to nurse and in bed he would go. Now that he's older, he gives him a bottle and puts him to bed himself. I like to think of it as my relaxing time. Except tonight DS wasn't too keen on going down so easy and after 10 minutes of balling and hearing DH getting frustrated, I came to the rescue. That's the hardest thing to get Dh to do is to have the confidence and patience to wait out the fussiness before sleeping.

[deborah_r]

Well this is related to this topic, so I'll post here. Is it possible my DH is incapable of watching DS ? I went to work tonight from 5-9 (ugh) and DH called several times saying DS was crying no matter what he did. He tried to put him down to sleep but he wouldn't go to sleep.

And I am kind of mad because I tried to explain what Kai needed and when before I left, and he "yeah, yeah, yeah"'d me and then he didn't feed DS hardly anything. He thought I said he could use only 1 of the 2 oz bottles I had left in the fridge. I left 3 of them in small 2 oz portions so he wouldn't waste it, because he always just heats all of it without thinking that DS might not want it all. And I wanted him to have a small portion for cereal. All he did was the cereal. And I told him to offer him water, and he didn't do that.

So call me a control freak, but I really think I NEED to be here unless I go out for less than 2 hours, because he doesn't get it and doesn't listen to me. I don't understand - DS did not come with an instruction manual for ME either, but I can take care of him. DH always just says that I can soothe DS with breastfeeding and he doesn't have that option. That's what he had me believing tonight until I looked in the fridge and saw he had only used the one bottle!

I'm so frustrated!!!

[newbelly2002]

DH and I split the day between childcare duties and work into 2 4 hour shifts, so diaper, bathing, feeding is all equal opportunity in this house. However, at the beginning--especially with nursing--DH felt a little less informed. One thing that helped, not just with childcare but life in general, is to write things down. I get a lot of "yeah yeah yeah" when I say things verbally, but seeing it in a list allows DH to look at the instructions at his leisure. I think it also gives it a certain credibility. Perhaps give that a try?

Sorry I can't be of more help.
Paula
Mama to Dante, 8/1/02

[flagger]

It takes trial and error Deb. I look at what Cocoa eats over an entire week versus one day. If he doesn't get rice cereal one day, it will not ruin the entire solid feeding plan. The very first date night, er hours we had, we left a special bottle for Cocoa to have and pointed it out to the sitter. We also told her about when she is going down. When we came home all of the pumped EBM that Ms. Flagger had done had be given to Cocoa instead of the other bottle. And to make matters worse, Cocoa was still up at 10:45!!! Well the world didn't end and Cocoa is still with us.

Cocoa is taking in about 8 ozs at a feeding now and she is a week older than Kai. I sort am of the feeling that putting the bottle back if she doesn't finish it will not be the worst thing in the world either. It is after all her saliva and bacteria she would be drinking.

You need to ask yourself "Do I trust DH with my life? Do I trust DH with DS' life?" If the answer is yes, then what I am about to suggest may sound a bit harsh, but may force DH to go through all the steps: Hungry, wet, dirty, cold, hot, etc. to figure out how to get him to stop crying. Next time you are at work, pretend you are on a cross country flight and CANNOT be reached even in an emergency. Don't think of what might happen because if it doesn't, all you will be left with is worry. After all, what could you do if there was a true emergency and you were on that cross country flight. Which means, DH cannot call no matter what because you cannot be reached.

FWIW, you can tell DH that it took me until Cocoa was about four months old when I told one of my neighbors "Ya know, I think I can do this after all." I had all the basics down, but the comfort level didn't come around for quite a bit of time later. And I spend more time with Cocoa than Ms. Flagger does.

HTH

[bnme]

I know it is frustrating- but if you think you may be somewhat of a control freak (like me) you have to step back and realize sometimes that you may be contributing to it a little by not letting DH fumble around and learn on his own. If you are always telling what and how to do it -maybe he is becoming dependant on instructions and feeling like you think he can't do anything right so he's better off asking. I know that situation exists a bit in my house. And the more I back off the better it has become. But it is still mind boggeling when I ask DH to get me a burp cloth and he doesn't seem to know where they are - or he asks me what to feed DS!

Flagger, thanks for your post because it just helps me realize all the more that there are differences between me and DH and how we parent, and how I may make him feel sometimes by being to much of a know-it-all. When I was the one fumbling around the first few weeks he didn't correct my every move-I would have been a basket case and had no self-confidence if someone where there over my shoulder constantly telling me I was doing something wrong (hmmm, my mom or mil??? ;) ). He is always very supportive when I am confused about something or question what I am doing-rather than being judgemental. I should learn to appreciate that more!

[egoldber]

This is a good point. It takes every first time parent, mom or dad time to figure out how to be "in control". It wasn't until Sarah was 3-4 months old that I really felt like I sort of knew what I was doing. My DH is also one of the helpless types (where are the diapers? what does she eat?), even after TWO YEARS!!!!! I know that part of this is my fault, since I freely admit I tend to be a bit of a control freak, and DH's travel schedule doesn't help either.

But I noticed a BIG difference last week when we were on vacation and DH was also with her 24/7. He spent a lot more time with DD and got much more comfortable. And now that she is an active toddler, its easier for him to find activities for them to enjoy together.

I really wish that in the beginning I had done a more "sink or swim" approach with DH and just let him figure things out on his own.

[trumansmom]

Wow. I could have written that post word for word. You did a great job of summarizing my frustration with DS right now!

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/29/01 and EDD 4/23/04!