A Friend bought me a copy of BabyWise.

[etwahl]

i just wanted to begin this post by saying i don't want to debate whether or not this is a good book or bad. and i don't want to debate parenting styles. (sorry, just had to start that because i don't want any fights).

my question is this: my friend (who is not a mom) bought me this book. i'm not sure why. she said she had been talking to friends and they all mentioned this book. then she said she thought she'd pick it up for me. it's nice of her to think of me...but the parenting principles of this book do not match mine. in fact, they could not be further apart from my own styles

my question is, if she asks about how i liked the book, what do i say? it does make me wonder if she bought it because she doesn't agree with my choices (she knows we cosleep, nurse around the clock, don't have the easiest baby in terms of sleeping and other). i'm just kind of confused as to how to handle. we're not best friends, but she is a nice girl. it also seemed a bit weird to me that i would be getting this book when lauren is already 8 months old. anyway, i just want to make sure i handle in the right way. i don't want to offend her at all. but i also make a lousy liar.

thanks so much for any ideas.

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[Calmegja2]

Well, two thoughts spring to mind....

1) "Thank you so much for thinking of us. It was so thoughtful for you to pick the book up for us. I haven't had a spare second to spend reading it right now, but the thought was so very sweet." Repeat as needed. Forever.

2) "Thank you so much for thinking of me and giving me the book. It gave me food for thought."

You don't have to say what the food for thought was, nor do you have to give her the downlow on why Gary Ezzo has been discredited and disowned by his own church. You can just issue a brief version of one of the above scenarios, being sure to thank her profusely for the time she took to think of you, and then gloss over the substance of the book.

I am absolutely no fan of Ezzo, but I think you can just focus on her thoughtfulness, and gloss over the fact that the book itself is contradictory to your approach.

That's what I would do, anyways. I'd be straight sugar, and no depth on this. ;-)

That's what I do when I don't want to argue with someone. Like my neighbor who gave me a book on how evil Catholics are, knowing full well that my husband is Catholic. I just thanked her for thinking of me, told her the book gave me a lot to think about ( I left out the part that I think she's nuts for giving me that book, and how hateful it was), and from that point on, I have changed the subject every single time religion enters into it. Like your situation, she and I are not the best of friends, but we live closely together, and there was no point in starting war.

[calebsmama03]

We've got good friends who are MAJOR baby-wisers and pushed the book on us during pregnancy with horror stories about their friends who haven't slept in 2 years, etc. I read it, thought "sounds good in principle", and quickly abandoned any thought of actually using it once DS was actually born. In a moment of desperation I tried to use it for a week at about 1 month - the style is not mine and it actually made things worse for us. When I was at their house for a jewelry party when DS was 8 weeks they asked if he was sleeping through the night yet (per the BW promise). I simply told them (as nicely as possible) that we'd tried it and it didn't work for us. When they insisted trying CIO a few more times now that he was "older" I just said that it wasn't my style. They still make little comments when we're over and they put their 3 y/o to bed without a fuss, but it's generally a mott subject. (Besides, I know DS will EVENTUALLY learn to fall asleep w/o my nursing him to sleep and I'd rather have to nurse DS to sleep than have a terror child like their 3 y/o!!)

Anywhoo, as for how to handle it now that Lauren is older I'd maybe just mention somthing like, "that was so thoughtful of you to think of me. I actually read that book and the style just didn't seem to work with Lauren. I guess every baby is different". I wouldn't think a statement such as that would hurt her feelings and it would show her that you aren't just dismissing it because she doesn't have kids herself. I wouldn't think that she was using it to make a comment on your parenting style, but then again I don't know her.
Good luck!
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03

[pritchettzoo]

Good question! I am afraid I'm going to have to tackle this soon too. My DH's senior associate (not quite a boss but superior)'s wife came to see Gracie and talked about this book and how wonderful it was. I think I hid my horrified expression (was this book the one the AAP warned against?), but I know she's going to offer to lend it to me...

I can't imagine why someone would buy you that book though, Tammy. That's a little strange. I can see Baby Bargains or a "generic" book like What to Expect, but again, why that book and why eight months in? If it is the one that the AAP warned against, you could just tell her that. You could say that your particular doctor advised against it. Or you could say something like, "I'm glad this worked for your friends, but it's just not my style. I did enjoy reading it for its perspective on X." There might be some useful tidbit of information in there (not that you'd have to read the whole thing, but just flip through and see if anything catches your eye). Even if it's something you already know, pointing out a specific detail lends an air of truthfulness.

She probably just bought it because she thinks your parenting choices aren't necessarily choices if you know what I mean. She might think that this book was a "lifesaver" for her other friends and it can help you out with what an outsider would perceive as a problem (i.e,, your baby not sleeping through it her own crib). My grandmother was just here and said something like, "I'm sure you're worried about her being spoiled because people are here holding her so much." I said no and said I had carried her around for almost 10 months and a few more weeks wasn't going to hurt anything. (I didn't tell her that the only place she'll sleep is in someone's arms or in her swing!) But outsiders don't know that you want to sleep with your baby or that I don't mind holding my dear one and watching her sleep. They see the issue as a problem that we can't solve. So I would assume the best about your friend and go with the thought that she's just trying to help you out, not butt in and make judgments.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[cdlamis]

Tammy-
I feel for you. One of my best friends lives by BabyWise. However, it is not for us and not my style at all. My friend has often suggested that I look into it even though I have never expressed a need for a new parenting style. My answer is always "I have looked into BW and it just isn't for us". That way I am not criticizing her choice but making it clear about ours.

Sometimes I think friends like ours think we need to "fix" such "horrible" habits like co-sleeping and nursing on demand, etc so they recommend a better way of doing things. Yes, feeding on demand and not using CIO is sometimes challenging, but others see it as something so hard to live with that it must be changed.

I once lent the book "No cry sleep soluntion" to an aquaintance of ours and I couldn't help but feel like I was also telling her that her ways were not working so here is the solution! KWIM? I did it out of love and concern so hopefully our friends are doing the same.

My suggestion is be truthful with her, tell what works for you and maybe you'll present a positive side of your style of parenting.

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b32dc745c42b

[Rachels]

This happened to me, too. I read it so that I would be educated about what it said, anyway, and so that I would know what I was talking about if there came a need to disagree with its specifics. Then I chucked it. When our friend asked about it, I said that Ezzo's approach wasn't a good match for our parenting philosophies. If she had wanted to know more, I was all set to tell her, but actually that was the end of that.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[etwahl]

everyone, evan seems to think i should just say "thanks so much for thinking of me...that was really sweet" and leave it at that. is that the best way for me to handle? like i said, i hate confrontation, and i don't want her to take me as being ungrateful. on the other hand, what if she then says "did it help get her out of your bed?" or something? at that point then i could say the book doesn't really fit my parenting style? i just hate hurting anyone's feelings. yuck!

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[Rachels]

Here's the thing: the only reason someone would feel hurt or guilty in response to your saying you don't like this (or any) approach is if, deep down, they don't feel so good about it either. If you're confident in your parenting style, hearing about someone else's approach is not going to unravel your perception of your own. You can certainly let it go, but if you're pushed, you don't need to explain or justify. It's not confrontational to say this doesn't fit your needs. It's a statement of fact, that's all.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[cdlamis]

If she ever brought up if Lauren was still in your bed, I would just say "co-sleeping is not an issue for us". And leave it at that. She'll get the hint but her feelings don't get hurt.

I have always wanted to share my feelings against BabyWise with my friend but DH says that someday my friend will see what a happy, adjusted, and normal behaving toddler Julia is and re-think her notion that we did it all wrong. Maybe someday when your friend has a baby, she will remember your own style and how it wasn't so extreme (as I see BW as being).

Good luck! I too hate confrontation and it's hard when it deals with your own parenting style.

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b32dc745c42b

[calebsmama03]

I agree with Rachel and Daniella. IF she happens to ask such a question, a simple "It just wasn't a good match for Lauren" should suffice. That's how I handle it when our friends make BW comments.

I wouldn't worry about it. I also HATE confrontation but think of it this way - even if you DO happen to hurt her feelings, didn't she also hurt yours on some level by giving you a book that made you question her intentions as such??
Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03

[jd11365]

How about the same and adding... "It's always nice to see and learn about new parenting perspectives!" That's usually my standard issue response to parenting suggestions that don't really flow with mine...

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[egoldber]

Tammy, like others have said, if she asks, I would just thank her for her kindness, and say some comment to the effect that it isn't really a match for you and Lauren.

And I have to guiltily admit that before I became a parent myself, I did often think that people with "difficult" children were doing something "wrong" to make their kids that way. I realize now how silly that is and that all kids are individuals with their own personalities but I honestly thought that. I'm sure your friend means well, but it was a but presumptious on her part, I think. Sort of like saying "Wow, you REALLY need this book!" LOL!! :)

[MelissaTC]

Do you think it is a comment on how you parent? I have always had friends that have kids since a lot of my friends are just older than me. I have been surrounded by kid talk for sometime so before I had Matthew, I would be inclined to listen to what my friends said and if I knew someone who was expecting or had an infant, I would say things like "this is supposed to be excellent!" or "I have heard this is great" meaning I know you are busy now with your kiddie and I want to pass this fabulous info on. Know what I mean? I never meant anything to be a comment on their parenting, etc.. I thought I was helping out. Just a thought...

[jojo2324]

I own Babywise, because a lady who had a baby a few months before me swore by it. I had never heard anything bad about it before coming here, and from all I've heard since then, I doubt I'll be reading it.

But I can honestly say that even if I *wanted* to read it, I sure don't/didn't have the time!! I think lack of time ranks right up there with lack of brain matter these days as to why I don't do something. :D Would that work as an easy out? And it's not lying, at least not in my house, LOL. :)

[sweetbasil]

You know, I read and tried BabyWise for DS#1, and I ended up with my milk almost drying up, and a very hungry baby. Their latest edition is much more culturally sensitive than the edition that was out with our first baby, but still doesn't fit our needs now. Lots of people at our church have used the book, and saying "it didn't work for us" didn't cut it with them. The most common response we got from loyal BabyWise parents was, "Well, it wasn't BabyWise that didn't work. There was a problem with you, and your baby also had a problem--- and that kept their program from working, but the program itself is great."

Just like the other parenting books we've read, though, we did get something out of it, and even referred to it when DS#2 was born for a little bit, so I don't want to give the impression that it was all bad! :)

I'd probably just say "thanks" or "it offered a new perspective you hadn't heard" or something like that.

[mamahill]

I agree with the others - thank her for the book and for thinking of you. If she pushes the issue of whether or not it helped, I would just reply, "I've found that all parenting books have stuff I agree with and stuff I don't. I'm kind of compiling my own book of stuff that works for Lauren," and leave it at that. You don't have to tell her which things you agreed/disagreed with. I'm not familiar with Babywise, but I'm sure there's SOMETHING in there you could "agree" with (does he say babies are cute? does he say that babies eat? something like that). That's probably the most diplomatic way of handling it, without seeming defiant.

Bu I also agree, that is kind of weird for her to give it to you, especially if she doesn't have kids. I have several parenting books, and have only given them to friends to borrow if they specifically ask for them. Otherwise I keep my mouth shut.

[lizajane]

well i am one of the villians who liked it. ;) not that i am some kind of babywise disciple or anything... just got some good tips that worked well for us.

so as someone who DOES like the book and who DOES recommend it, i say just say thanks for the gift. if i gave it to someone and she said "this isn't for me" i would not care at all!! it would not hurt my feelings if someone didn't like the books that helped me.

seriously, if someone gave you a sweater that you thought was really ugly, what would you do? you would say thanks. you MIGHT wear it one time when she came over for tea, and then you would give it to good will. you wouldn't think it meant your style was wrong or judged. you would just think "yuck, i don't like this sweater and i will be gracious but i have no intention of wearing it!"

so "yuck, i don't like this book and i will be gracious and i have no intention of reading it!" in your head... "thanks for the book!" to your acquantaince.

[suribear]

Being the stubborn mule that I am :) I would probably say, "Oh yes, I've heard about that book, but honestly I don't feel comfortable with the philosophy behind it." I couldn't just keep quiet and say thanks, but that's just me lol

She probably thinks she's helping you out based on something she heard, but your feedback would give her food for thought when she has her own kids.

I remember having all sorts of parenting ideas before I had my own kids, but I was pretty clueless!

Kris

[AngelaS]

I have never read BW, but I have quite a few friends who followed it militantly...all have great kids who are great sleepers and great eaters.:)

I followed the schedule idea loosely and it truly worked for us.

As for the answer to your question: A simple thank you should be enough. :D

[cchavez]

I was given this book by a friend/co-worker at the end of my PG. She did tell me this program is not for all babies....some babies just can't get on the schedule. I thanked her and promptly returned it to the book store to get some board books! I had heard really terrible things about the book....but I do have some friends that follow BW and there children are sleeping through the nite and doing great....but they probably would just as easy if the program had not been used...IMO

[amp]

I really like Jessica's (Calmegja2) #1 response. It seems to be the best at thanking her for her thoughtfulness and yet gets you out of having to tell her what you think of the book specifically. And as Jessica said, just keep repeating forever. Eventually she'll quit asking. After all, parenting takes all of your time now (and when you have free time, you spend it here, right?!) Good luck!

[Sarah1]

As usual I am agreeing with what everyone says, in particular Sarah (mamahill), which always happens...I'd say JUST what she said..."thanks so much, I've been reading a lot and everything helps..." --keep it general. Since she isn't a mom, I'm sure she's just trying to help, and to be honest she probably isn't THAT interested in hearing about it!

[Karenn]

95% of my friends used and loved BabyWise. I had more offers to borrow the book than I knew what to do with! Amazingly, I never had to say more than, "It's just not really my style." Most of my friends seem to be aware of the bad press that BabyWise has received and weren't entirely shocked when I turned them down. I did read it so that I could be prepared when someone would ask me why I hadn't used Babywise for my incredibly sensitive sleeper, and I never had to use one of those replies either.

Good luck,

[parkersmama]

Liza, I think that you post about how to take this gift is right on the money! Very level-headed. I am one of those people who doesn't like BW or Ezzo but if someone gives me a gift, regardless of what I think about it, I try to be gracious. I would simply say "Thank you so much for the book. It was so sweet of you to think of me!" If she pressed me for details, I would probably try to evade it one more time by saying, "I'm still trying to find the time to read it all, you know how crazy things are with a new baby!" If pressed, though, I'd probably have to tell them what I really think about it. ;)

I also recommend books to friends and try to not have hurt feelings if they aren't interested or don't want the advice. We're all different and that's great!

[Melanie]

If she asks I'd say, "Thank you so much for thinking of me, however I found out that that particular book has contributed to the deaths of infants, so I decided not to read it."

I think that since she does not have any children, you wouldn't be insulting her parenting, and you have the unique situation to educate her briefly in case she does because a parent some day.

[Melanie]

> The most common response we got from loyal BabyWise
>parents was, "Well, it wasn't BabyWise that didn't work.
>There was a problem with you, and your baby also
>had a problem--- and that kept their program from
>working, but the program itself is great."

That's unbelievably rude!

[sntm]

tammy,

i have to say that i would definitely thank her for being so thoughtful but would explain in a considerate way that the book is not recommended anymore. like others have said, she isn't a mom so it's not like you would be insulting her parenting style and you could educate her so perhaps next time she goes to buy a book for a new mom she would pick one more universal.

unlike the situation with a gift of a sweater, this one is not benign. i would compare it more with someone giving you a nice bottle of wine that you heard on the news was tainted -- you would want to make sure that the person giving it knew that it could hurt someone!

i agree that most moms who use BW know that it is highly contraversial. one of my colleagues wives recommended it to me and i told her it wasn't my style and that I had heard some worrisome things about it and she agreed that she only used certain portions of it.


shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[suribear]

I forgot to add in my reply to thank her for thinking of you. I wouldn't want to make her feel bad, BUT I would want to convey the message that it's a controversial book and definitely not for everyone. I bet she has no idea!

If she doesn't bring it up again, you could just keep quiet, if that's your style.

Kris

[cdlamis]

I don't mean to steal this post from Tammy but as I mentioned in my first post, I also have a friend who is a "Baby Wiser" and is also taking the "Growing Kids God's Way" class which is a Christian based program from the author of baby Wise.

She has invited me to take the class as well but I politely declined since I know about Baby Wise. Anyway, out of curiosity I went to Amazon.com to see the reviews. Apparently, it advocates spanking and hitting as a Christian thing to do as a form of discipline. I am Christian too but in no way do I think its a Christian thing to do! (No offense to those that spank). I have seen my friend threaten to spank her 10 month old child because he was squirming while getting changed. At first I thought she was kidding. but she wasn't.

I find it unnerving that a church would not only support but push this kind of program onto parents who are guilted into doing it since they think its God's will.

I didn't mean to rant and go on like that but WOW!

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b32dc745c42b

[kransden]

Look at it from your friend's point of view. She knows Lauren doesn't sleep etc., she has no mom experience either. I know I was a clueless wonder before I had kids. She probably mentioned it to some moms and they told her how great BabyWise was, and that she should get it for you, so she did. If she asks how you like the book, I would sincerely tell her how much it meant to you that she thought of you, and she was only doing it for the right reasons, but that she might not realize it was a very controversial book. I would want to know if I gave someone something like that. I am sure the friend would be horrifed if she knew and wouldn't want to make the same mistake again. I personally like to give out Dr. Sears books. Which to some people, is just as bad, but I do tell them they might not like the parenting information, but that the rest of the book is a very good reference.

Just my 2 cents.
Karin and Katie 10/24/02