Any of you without siblings? I have a question about "fitting in" with the in-laws.

[peanut4us]

I am an only child, so I have no idea how the bond works with siblings. DH comes from a family of 4 children with him being the youngest. DH's mom and dad are super nice, but for some reason, I have always felt uptight around them, like I can't just unwind and be myself. So while I enjoy the time DH gets to spend with them, and I don't mind, I find it tiring after a while.

So next week, we are going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving and we are staying for a whole week. This is the first time in about 6 years that all of the siblings are going to be there. We're all staying at the in-law's house, which is big enough to get away (but one sleeping quarters shy of what is needed).

I've never really felt at ease around DH's siblings either. Dh's mom and dad are vrey religious, as are we. But DH's siblings are all very un-religious (is that a word) to the point that they are really "anti" our religion. So, we just don't go there. But I am concerned about undercurrents, not just with religion but life choices too, that might go on. The other two brothers have gotten really tight in the last few years. DH doesn't keep in touch with them very much.

This is all just rambling to say that I am nervous. I want DH to have a good time. I want to believe that some of them have "grown up" since we saw them last, etc. But I'm not sure how to give the feeling to the siblings that I am all for "let's just get along with what we have in common". You know? Anyone else feel awkward like this? I don't want to talk about it with DH because I don't want to spoil his time having him worry about me.

[celfsh]

I don't think you have to be an only child to have a hard time "fitting in". I'm one of 8 kids, and I still have issues! :)

One suggestion for keeping things easy-going and conflict-free is to plan lots of activities. In our family, we've definitely found that things go a lot more smoothly if we have plenty of activities planned, otherwise we all tend to get a little edgy just "hanging out" around each other all day. Game night is always a hit (as long as things don't get too competitive)! Also, a couple years ago we started a "talent night" tradition, where each couple is required to share a talent of some sort. It can be serious or funny (2 years ago, my bro and his wife dressed in western clothes and line-danced--you'd have to know my bro to understand how hysterical it was!) Also, I think it would be okay for you and your DH to plan some "alone" activities, such as a movie, some last-minute shopping, etc. I'm sure the GPs would be more than happy to babysit!

Hope something I said helped. I know how stressful "family togetherness" can be!

celeste
mom to olivia 9/25/02

[wendmatt]

I'm one of 4 and dh is one of 8 and being around family can be stressful even when it's your own!! I have different views to one of my sisters (and we're best friends) and as you can imagine dh with 7 siblings (all of whom are very opinionated) there are always disagreements!! But, they are all really nice and they are all close too and always joke or make up somehow if they fall out.
If I were you I would try to relax and not get into any "political" discussions and let them have their points of view.
Prayers are always said at mils house at meals and both the religious and non religious respect that. I hope you do manage to have a good time, I'm always nervous about spending time at dhs fam with that many people but it's usually really nice.
It will also be a bit different as your main focus will be Sara and a baby always makes people smile.
Not sure if that helps at all but I hope you do have a really great time.
BTW hope you don't mind me asking, but has it been OK being an only child? I suppose it's tough to say as you don't know any different but I can't decide if we should have another baby so dd has a sibling or if she'd be OK without.

[peanut4us]

Hmmm, did I like being an only child. Mostly yes, occasionally no. I distinctly remember when I was little (4-8ish) wishing that I had a brother or sister to play with. But we were in an odd situation where we were living in a "dangerous" country and so I couldn't just run to a little friends house to play. In compensation, my parents bought me Barbie everything and I now have a very vivid imagination! LOL!

I do remember also liking that my birthday was "special" and Christmas was all about me. Sad, that sounds terrible but I really enjoyed the closeness that I had with my parents. I also know that compared to my friends I was more "grown up." My parents had lots of friends without kids, so I learned to be quiet and listen to adult conversations from early on. But my parents also encouraged me to get educated on "nonkid" issues so that I could try to participate in discussions.

I'm not sure what we are going to do in the children department either. DH would like 3-4. I love Sara to pieces, and sometimes I think it would be cool for her to have a "playmate" but then I wonder how I could give children enough love and attention. There is a part of me that says, we should be done. I don't know. I wonder if there is anyone on the boards that has decided on only having one kid and what influenced that decision.


Oh yeah, monetarily, it was a really good gig. We had great vacations, and lots of extras. Something to consider if that is really important to you.

[August Mom]

I'm an only child and DH has 4 siblings (he's the oldest). At first it was a little scary because I wasn't used to being around that many people for a family event. My family events consisted of 4 people (mom, dad, grandma and me) for a long time. So, the first time that everyone was home at MIL and FIL's house for the holidays, I was blown away. However, I found that I had a blast. I think I've gotten to know the siblings best from doing things with them. Playing games has been a good way to sit down and talk, but in a situation where some silence is okay too because you are concentrating on the game. We play Scrabble a lot. Yahtzee is a good game because it doesn't take much skill. Scattegories also gives you some insight into interests of the other players. I've also played cards with the brothers. Now, the interesting thing in my situation is that DH doesn't usually play these games with us. So, it's usually me and 1 or 2 BILs and MIL. Occasionally some of the other SILs or FIL will play. We've tried team games, but that doesn't seem to go as well. I think that time with the ILs without DH has caused me to know them better and now I really feel like a daughter to MIL and FIL rather than a DIL. There is one BIL/SIL couple that I don't connect with as well just because their life is so different from ours. We just chat about general things and especially kids (they have 4) and leave it at that.

I agree that if there are hot button topics, you should just stay off of them. And, if it's getting to be too much for you, do as one BIL/SIL couple do and go outside and take a walk by yourselves. They always seem to disappear during a family visit. LOL I just always try to be myself and to get to know everyone else. If you learn about DH's family, it will be easier to fit in, or at least it has been for me. Also, I've made a point of getting to know his extended family too. This has served me well. In fact, I know more about his extended relatives than DH and his brothers do. LOL But, it gives you context and you can more easily contribute to family conversations when you know who everyone is and what they like/dislike, etc.

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Edited to add: One more thing. If you like sports and so do the guys in DH's family, this is a great way to get "in" with them. I am a huge football fan. And, it just so happens that my favorite team is a big rival of the favorite team of DH's family. So, we tease each other about it all the time. My FIL and I are especially into it and call each other when the other person's team loses, etc. It has really helped me fit in with the guys more than the other SILs. HTH

[Meatball Mommie]

Just thought I'd add my two cents here :) I too am an only child, but my DH comes from a large Irish Catholic family. He only has 1 sibling (brother) but has MANY cousins (his dad was one of ten and some of his dad's siblings had 10 kids themselves!). I don't think that it's necessarily an only child thing that you don't feel at ease with your DH's family, since I don't feel that way myself. I think it has more to do with the family themselves (does that make sense?).
As for helping you feel more at ease, I would just try and steer clear (way clear) of religion, sex and politics as these 3 topics are sure to spark conversations that you don't want to have. Try to relax and I agree with another poster to maybe find some "alone" time. Go for a walk or something to get away for a little while. Maybe get the "girls" together and go to the mall (good sales that weekend...) and let your DH hang out with his brothers.
To weigh in on the only child thing...
As an only child, and actually an only grandchild too, I come from an extremely small family, but I really enjoy the get-togethers with DH's family. They are so noisy and kids are always running around, but it's great. Don't get me wrong, not everyone always gets along, but generally it's good. That's the kind of thing I always wished for. Growing up, I always wished for a brother or sister (or at least cousins). The holidays were always so quiet. I think (at least in my family) I also had to be more mature than kids my own age. I was the only child in the family so I was always around adults. My dad brags that I talked in complete sentences at the age of 2 (although I think he's exaggerating). I think that the decision to have only 1 child is entirely personal and it works for a lot of families, but I definitely wish I had a sibling or two. I didn't have any cousins either, so I think it was kind of lonely for me growing up (although I DID get all the attention and good vacations and a college education paid for by my parents). If you have a big family otherwise, it wouldn't be the same as what I grew up with. I hope this makes some sense and helps a little at least. Overall, I didn't mind being an only child, but seeing my DH with his brother makes me wish I had that kind of relationship with someone. My mom passed away last year, so it's just me and my dad now, and once he passes away, they'll be no family member who remembers what it was like growing up. That sibling bond can be(although it isn't always) so strong and unique. Anyway, I'm rambling now...Good luck!

[lizajane]

this may be a weird answer to your question, but i offer it anyway.

DH was great friends with his brother as a child, but not as an adult. not for any reason.

since DH and his brother aren't tight, my BIL and i didn't have an automatic connection. but i KNEW that he and i are a lot alike. we are both pretty sarcastic, have the same sense of humor, like sports, went to the same college and are the same age! (by 6 weeks! we lived in the same dorm in college and never met.)

it has taken me 5 years to convince him that i am "cool." he FINALLY talks to me when we are alone. he FINALLY admitted that he has been dating, which he never talks about.

so- to be a lot more consise- persistance, persistance, persistance. just keep on being your cool, happy, awesome self and they will get it. relax, be yourself, and they will see in you what your DH saw in you.

have fun!!!

[pritchettzoo]

I'm an only child as well. I feel awkward in close groups of people, but I never really thought about it being because I was an only child until now. That makes sense. I attributed it to being shy, but that might be a product of only-childness as well. I hate being the "outsider" in a close group. My coping mechanism has always been reading. Bring a good book and hide in it. Probably not the healtiest and I should branch out, but it's a coping mechanism. So bring your Jane Austen library and/or some of your handwork and if you feel uncomfortable, you can retire to your room or even stay in the room with everyone else and jump into the book. You can say, "Oh, thank you, but I am so excited to have some time to read! It's nice to have such a relaxing vacation and to be able to curl up with a good book. I rarely have the opportunity to do this at home." People are going to fall into two categories: readers and non-readers. The readers will totally understand and the non-readers will just think you're weird. Either way, they probably won't think you're being rude.

I know what you mean about the other children thing too. I wonder if we hit the jackpot on this one and worry that we'd not be so lucky in the genetic gamble next time...

Good luck and I hope you enjoy your week!

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[August Mom]

I'll answer your only child question too, although this question about having more than one child is one I ask myself a lot too and I haven't reached a conclusion.

For the most part, I loved being an only child. There was one period when I was 8 or 9, when I wanted a brother, I think so I could take care of him like one of my dolls. :) As an only child, I always did things with my parents. I did some things with just my mom or just my dad, but in most cases, all three of us did things together. We all went out to dinner, to movies, to Putt Putt, etc. And, this was true even when I was a teenager (you may think that's a negative :)). I am very close with my parents.

As a child, I grew up around other adults and that does make you more mature than your peers. I had better manners and was one of the smarter kids in my class. This was also difficult in school. Because I wasn't used to being around a lot of kids, I was rather shy. The shy/smart combination got be labeled stuck up alot, so that wasn't great.

Now that I'm an adult, I'm not sure whether I like being an only child or not. My mom is crazy about DS. He's their first and only grandchild. So, she goes overboard buying clothes and gifts and visiting all the time. I also feel responsible for my mom and dad. If something happens, medically, in their business or whatever, I feel like I'm the one that has those problems on her shoulders. Sometimes, it would be nice to share that with someone. It also makes holidays a little stressful because we alternate holidays with DH's parents. However, when I'm not home for a holiday, it's just my mom, dad and grandma and they typically don't have a holiday celebration. I called on Thanksgiving 2 years ago and they told me they had pork chops at my grandma's house. I felt terrible, like their holiday was all messed up because I wasn't there. For better or worse, it does seem like parents' worlds revolve around their only children.

FWIW, my best friend in law school is an only child and she has hated it her entire life. Now that her parents are older, she is incredibly stressed about one of them dying and then being responsible for the other one. She wishes she had a sibling to go through it with.