Should I worry?

[esianoyam3]

Does the constant worrying ever get any less constant? I'm hoping I'll eventually figure out what's normal and what's not...

DD is 4 weeks old. Everything I've read says she's supposed to have been making eye contact and looking at faces for a while now... DD really doesn't seem to do much of either. She's constantly either looking to the side, or staring up at the ceiling (lights?). I try talking to her and singing to her in the hopes that it will get her to look at me, but she rarely looks at me... Sometimes, when I'm not looking at her and then I look at her, I'll notice that she's looking at me, but the minute I try to make eye contact, she looks away.

Is this normal for a four week old, or should she be looking at me more? I can occasionally get her interested in some of her high contrast toys, and she'll follow them with her eyes for a few seconds at a time, but I'm really starting to worry about the eye contact thing...

Thanks!

Shallyse
SAHM to Malia (10/20/03)

[KGoes]

I remember it well - except with DD it was smiling. I have no idea what she was looking at, but my big worry was "why isn't she smiling? The "books"/neighbors/well-meaning friends say she should be smiling by now. Isn't she happy?"
All babies progress at their own rate and find out about the world on their own schedule. From my hazy sleep-deprived recollection, it sounds as though your baby is fine. DD started out looking at her mobile for a few minutes at a time, then looking at DH's face, then the ceiling fan. Have you tried a mirror? I have read that while babies are curious about faces, sometimes eye contact can be intimidating. She doesn't know she's four weeks old. Tomorrow she could decide to stare into your eyes and smile - have kleenex handy.
If you are really worried, call your ped who should be able to allay your fears or suggest simple things to do to make sure that there are no other issues.
Kelley
DD born 7/03

[cinrein]

Shallyse,

I suspect Malia is fine. My DD did the same thing with DH for months! She loved to stare at him when he wasn't looking at her, but the minute he looked at her she acted like he wasn't there. He would even get up in her face and try to "force" her to look at him.

As for worrying, well.... I know I will worry about my child for the rest of my life. That said, it does get better. For me, I know DD's personality now which makes things easier. More importantly, I finally found the confidence to trust my own instincts. It takes a while, but you will feel more like Malia's mother and know what she needs and when. You will also look at her and know that she's just perfect the way she is. :)

Cindy and Anna 2/11/03

[amp]

Sweetie, my heart aches for you. You are second guessing yourself all the time. Please know that you are a loving mommy, as evidenced by all of your completely normal worrying and that you are doing everthing humanly possible to take care of your daughter. Babies develop at different rates. Please don't panic because yours is doing or not doing something that a book or another person tells you she should/shouldn't be doing. If you are truly concerned, ask your ped. Also, little babies Malia's age get overstimulated very easily. They look away to tune out so they can disengage from you. Nothing personal. It's likely her way of getting some space mentally. Also, they love to look at lights and ceiling fans. There's nothing strange about that. Keep singing and talking to her and loving her just as you are. Trust yourself and her to guide you as to what she wants and needs. As she grows, you will start to feel more adept at figuring things out. And the things you still don't have figured out....we'll you'll be less tense and worried about those. Hang in there! You're doing fine. And please know that you will continue to find support here whenever you need it!

[KathyO]

>Does the constant worrying ever get any less constant?

Ummm... nope. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but hey - I can worry about my 2.5-year-old as much as I worried about her as an infant. The good part, though, is that I have learned that most worries will resolve themselves if I just wait a bit...

One huge help has been the mommies' group I belong to. We have four kids in it who are the exact same age, and it has been a real tonic to see just how broad a range of behaviours/skills/tendencies they show. And it has been wonderful to watch them going through their individual phases (Tom's wake-up-8-times-a-night phase, Adrienne's I-only-eat-bread phase, my kiddo's must-take-off-all-my-clothes phase), and realize that it all works out in the end. I strongly recommend a moms' group, or a good drop-in centre if one is handy nearby.

I think you've had good advice - it sounds like your daughter IS looking and seeing... she just doesn't care to hold eye contact right now.

Best,

KathyO

[starrynight]

No you shouldn't worry, but you will anyway ;). It's part of being a mom hon. Your doing just fine, and if she can track a toy with her eyes than her eyesight is more than likely fine and she is just still having a bit of trouble focusing on faces, which is very normal at Malia's age. Give her a few more weeks and I'm sure she will be making eye contact. Oh and the worrying never stops ;) although you learn when it's important to worry and when things will work themself out.

[ddmarsh]

I'm sorry to say that no the worry does not every go away. My oldest DS is 11 and I worry just as much today as I did the day he was born. I'm sure everything is likely ok, but I am one who always likes to have things checked out.

I'll tell you a funny story about worrying. The day after my DS#3 was born I was in the hospital (c-section) and it was probably the first stretch of time that I had been alone with him - my mom and DH were at home. I'm not sure how it happened but I became convinced that he was blind and that my mom and DH were trying to hide it from me. I could have sworn that he had "that look" in his eyes and thought I remembered my mom and DH whispering (of course it was probably a time I was drifting off!) and was sure that was what they were discussing. I had myself worked into such a state of anxiety that the minute DH walked in the room a few hours later I was sobbing, etc., etc. about his blindness and why hadn't they told me. As you can imagine, he was not and is not blind :).

I think sometimes we read and hear so much about what can go wrong and what our children "should" be doing at particular times that it's easy to see one thing and get completely carried away with it. Try to relax, contact your doctor if it will make you feel better and just settle in for your first of many worries which will likely turn out to be all for naught :).

Take care -

[parkersmama]

I personally think you will always worry but the being paralized by it will get better. I worry the most about my oldest because he is constantly going through things that we haven't experienced before. I do worry about the younger two as well but not as much since I've learned from the first child that most things will pass and most milestones will be hit at one time or another. HTH!

[MommytoDylan]

My son behaved very much the same at that age. He was just overstimulated and couldn't take my husband's or my enthusiastic attempts to engage him:) I really understood what he was doing when I read the book "The Self-Calmed Child" (or maybe it was The Self-Calmed Baby). The author describes some babies' inability to stand a lot of stimulation and the face is very stimulating for a baby--especially an animated, talking face desperate for some eye contact.

I am typing the above with lots of understanding and empathy as I have been there and was very scared. Once I relaxed and kept Dylan's environment calm and reduced stimulation, he became more and more "available" to me. Every baby is different and some are just more easily overstimulated than others. Dylan was in the NICU for the first two weeks of his life and I was told that "gaze aversion" is common in NICU grads due to the crazy environment around them when they were first born.

HTH,
Meredith
Mommy to Dylan Timothy

[esianoyam3]

The overstimulation comments make a lot of sense... Particularly considering the fact that DH was VERY sensitive to overstimulation as a baby.

A big thank you to everyone who has replied! It's so nice to have a place where I can go to ask questions...

There are times when I feel like I'm going to give up reading anything that talks about babies' milestones and just listen to my peds advice, but then I always end up surfing the net more or reading another magazine... :-)

[ethansmom]

I second KathyO's recommendation of a mother's group. Our lamaze office has weekly sessions and you can also do a search on the web for mothers of preschoolers (mops) etc. If you can't find anything, approach the next new mom you see. My group was a lifesaver to me!

Our DS also looked away, but to be honest, I have no idea what the time frame was. We started the mom's group at 10 wks, and everything is sort of a blur before then....

Hang in there! Things will get better. You'll see your child progress and then you can tune out all of those well-meaning people!

[MommytoDylan]

I took a break from reading all the milestone books and articles and I was a much more relaxed Mom and wife. I was happier too!

We worked very closely with our ped. and another specialist so I knew I could give the research a break for awhile and trust them to alert me to any problems. My husband actually asked me to stop using the internet search engines as I would always find more to worry about when I was researching to alieviate my fears.

Enjoy your little one! Before you know it she'll be laughing and crawling and hugging you!

Meredith