More comfortable with all of you than my play group "friends"...

[deborah_r]

I find it so weird that I am so comfortable with all of you and seem to "click" so easily with so many of you, yet I'm so nervous and on edge with my playgroup mommies. I'm wary of discussing any real topics with them. And I felt very comfortable with the 5 Mommies I've met in person from this board.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[sntm]

ITA. i don't have a playgroup, but i hoped to bond with the wives of the male surgery residents after jack was born and we still just don't click at all. it's not just that they are all SAHM because i feel very close to a lot of SAHM here.

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[momathome]

I think when you are online, it is much easier to let your guard down. There is no one you need to impress, your mothering skills are not put on display, you don't have to worry if there is still broccoli in your teeth from lunch, etc. You can also make them disappear with one little click of the mouse! I have felt similarly about the moms I have met in my neighborhood playgroup. They are perfectly nice, and yet at the same time, I feel far removed from them, kind of like I am watching from the ouside. I tend to be weary by nature, particularly after all the years I lived in the city and adjusting to the openess of the suburbs has been harder than I thought. Oh, well.
-Lauren

[bluej]

I agree w/ what Lauren said. I'm in my sweats and comfy cozy in my home. I don't need to style my hair and put on clean clothes before I feel presentable enough to come chat w/ you guys. Plus there are so many mommies here, that naturally you are going to find more than a few that you click w/. And honestly, I don't know how or why this is, but I feel that you guys are the most down to earth, honest, giving people I have ever met. Of course I've met IRL mommies like this, but I've also met more than a few w/ attitudes that were less than warm. It's just a warm friendly atmosphere here and I think that it brings out the best in all of us.

[amp]

Deborah - I completely agree. I don't have a mommy group, but have been thinking of, and avoiding acting on, joining one. My big fear is that I won't fit in and and it will feel awkward. It doesn't feel that way here and I love checking in on my mommy friends throughout the day. I guess I just can't see myself being that tuned into the people in a mommy group.

[C99]

Find a new playgroup! While we're not all 100% on the same page about every issue, the moms in my playgroup and I seem to have a similar philosophy and style of parenting. I used to be in a group of women whose parenting philosophies I did not share and it was awkward and uncomfortable. So I stopped going and stopped making an effort. The process of becoming a mommy and interacting with other mommy/baby pairs is like any other social situation in life: there are people w/ whom you click and those w/ whom you don't and there's no good reason to spend lots of time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. :) At least IMO.

[heva]

Yeah, has nothing to do with that for me either. I think it has something to do with the fact that we just don't "get" each other...I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be married to a surgeon, and they can't imagine why we'd choose to put ourselves through it AND have kids...Hmmm, maybe we do have something in common *LOL*!

[deborah_r]

I'm wondering if my group will pare down over time to people who have more in common? Everyone just seems so CONSERVATIVE in my group, but maybe I'm judging them too harshly. I'll keep your suggestion in mind. I'm definitely not married to them yet!!

[brigmaman]

I don't know if I can add to this conversation as I am pretty new here, but I share your appreciation of the moms (and dads) on these boards. Though I have lately found myself thinking in acronyms and the other day I almost called Brig my "ds" when I was talking to someone in the grocery store!;)
Anyway, Brig is a little over a year older than Kai, but I can relate to the playgroup situation. We have been going to a playgroup for about 6 months with a friend of mine. It is actually pretty big (if all kids were there I think there would be around 15!) It has been great getting to know other moms and babes, but after a while we sort of gravitate to those who have similar parenting styles.
Gymboree has been the same way. Although at first it was only Joanne, Tracey (mommie2madlyn)and I, now that we are in a larger group of 10 or so, we still stick together for the most part. We can all relate and (though I am speaking for all 3 of us) plan to start a playgroup in the winter that may or may not replace Gymboree. I found some books at the library with lots of fun activities for playgroups. (I guess that's the dorky teacher in me!)
It's great to get others'perspectives on everyday issues from people who you can tell are wonderful parents obviously trying to do their best. Wish we all lived closer.

[elvisfan]

>I think when you are online, it is much easier to let your
>guard down. There is no one you need to impress, your
>mothering skills are not put on display, you don't have to
>worry if there is still broccoli in your teeth from lunch,
>etc. You can also make them disappear with one little click
>of the mouse! I have felt similarly about the moms I have met
>in my neighborhood playgroup. They are perfectly nice, and
>yet at the same time, I feel far removed from them, kind of
>like I am watching from the ouside. I tend to be weary by
>nature, particularly after all the years I lived in the city
>and adjusting to the openess of the suburbs has been harder
>than I thought. Oh, well.
>-Lauren
I completely echo Lauren's post........

[kristine_elen]

I don't have a playgroup (yet?) but we do Gymboree and sometimes I don't feel like myself at all. It's hard to explain but I feel like I have to come off as the perfect mom (which, let's face it, I pretty much AM!) and I just feel like a dork. It's weird sometimes when you hook up with other moms -- do we have anything in common at all besides the fact that we gave birth at roughly the same time?

[Karenn]

Thanks Caroline! Just today I was feeling a little guilty because I am fading away from one playgroup and moving into another. I hate to "abandon" the old group, but honestly, I think I fit much better with the new one. It's nice to hear that you thought it was worth the switch.

[suribear]

Switch playgroups until you find the right match!

For instance, I couldn't be in a playgroup where nursing in public was frowned upon. Yes, they do exist. And in one of my pgs, most of us nursed toddlers, too..

Sometimes it just takes time to get to know each other. The first few meetings are usually awkward, but then you tend to gravitate towards the folks you are most comfortable with. If you never feel that way, it's time to change.
Kris

[starrynight]

I agree with Lauren's post! I can sit here in my jammiies and let my guard down. I can't do that as easily irl.

[parkersmama]

Deborah,
I know what you mean exactly! I'm not in a real "playgroup" but have drifted in and out of different groups of friends as my kids have gotten older. My #1 problem is that in this part of the South, everyone is so ultra-conservative! I hate always feeling like I need to bite my tongue on every issue that is dear to my heart for fear of being picked on and constantly having to defend my views. My tongue is pretty sore! LOL! I'm talking conservative in all ways: parenting philosophies, religion, and politics. When I find someone who shares at least some of my views, I latch on for life! LOL!

[houseof3boys]

I can totally relate to this. I have a new play group but I do like most in the group. I don't have anything to compare it to, but here are my thoughts on why you feel this way...

In playgroup it tends to be more frivolous and guarded talk. Nice pleasantries, not a lot of bitching, and watching the babies play the whole time. On the boards here, we certainly get down and dirty with bitching and conflict, funny anecdotes, can "talk" whenever you want or think of something so it's much easier to share all of this fun stuff. People are always more open with the written word than the spoken word anyway!

I wish I was in a playgroup with you Deborah because you crack me up all of the time! :P

[jojo2324]

LOL, WE would have a great playgroup...Everybody would be in their jammies, hair undone, yesterday's mascara all streaky down their faces. (If we're lucky enough to still use mascara...:P)

[luvbeinmama]

LOL! I thought I WAS conservative!! :P LOL!! I would try to find another playgroup. My playgroup is very easy to talk to, and we have mommies with the gammut of parenting philosophies. I think it depends more on personalities than anything else.

[mom2kandj]

Luv -

You conservative? NAHHHH! At least not like a few of the people that we play with! Never in my normal playgroup have I heard, "I told him(DS) that I didn't have the same parts he did! I had to pull down my pants to show him!" And you told us that story and you've only met us twice IRL! :)

I think that we constantly *see* a lot of differing parenting philosophies and understand that it is okay to do things your way. In a playgroup situation, the children tend to be the same age and it is very easy to start comparing and competing.

I'm glad that we did start a local BB group and that I have been able to meet such caring moms who are always supportive and positive! :)

Rose
mom 2 Katie (almost 3!)
& Jack (19 months)

[luvbeinmama]

And now you've gone and told everyone else! ROFLMAO!! What else are you supposed to do when your DS tries to find your penis!?! :P

[deborah_r]

LOL! LOL! Rose, you're killing me!!! Can you believe I actually forgot about that until you brought it up (I bet luv appreciates you doing so even more now!!! LOL!)

[elvisfan]

>I find it so weird that I am so comfortable with all of you
>and seem to "click" so easily with so many of you, yet I'm so
>nervous and on edge with my playgroup mommies. I'm wary of
>discussing any real topics with them. And I felt very
>comfortable with the 5 Mommies I've met in person from this
>board.
>
>Anyone have any thoughts on this?


I'm on edge,too, Deborah....especially after finding out from a reliable source that a good majority of the "mommies" were a bunch of gossiping hens. Now I'm afraid to say anything aside from a polite "Good morning" or "I love your baby's hat". That's tough for me...I'm very passionate and love to talk politics, religion and so forth. Not with this group:(

[luvbeinmama]

(giggle, giggle...) Just think, Deborah, you may yet have the opportunity to do that for Kai! :P LOL!! I've been cracking up ever since I read Rose's post! I guess I'm just not really all that modest. LOL!! I never felt uncomfortable NIP either. :) :* :7