Am I being overprotective?

[C99]

My husband is going out of town from Monday morning through Saturday night. My mother-in-law has known about this trip for awhile, and has offered (on numerous occasions) to host Nate and me for part of the week since, she says: "I know you don't like staying by yourself." Because we have something going on every day next week (and she lives an hour's drive away), I declined her invitation and instead, invited her to come over one day next week. Heretofore, we've usually met in the middle at a mall, so Nate has rarely been around her when he's in a comfortable environment.

Both when we talked about it initially and earlier this evening when she called to confirm the day, she mentioned that she'd watch Nathaniel while I got out of the house to do some errands or whatever. The first time we talked, it was an offer. But today, she said "Plan on feeding him before I get there, so that I can watch him while you go out." I said that we'd have to play it by ear, since I'm taking Nate to the opthamologist in the morning and I wouldn't sure if he would be disoriented from the experience or from any eye dilation or anything. In (his) recent memory, he's really only been left with his daddy and (after 4 days in her house) my mom and it was only for about 30 minutes w/ my mom.

Part of me wonders why my MIL is jonesing for some alone-time with Nathaniel. This isn't the first time she's offered to babysit for him. I know that she probably thinks that I will need some away-from-baby time since J. is going out of town for a week, so maybe she really only wants to help. But the idea of leaving him with someone w/ whom he isn't super familiar is stressing me out. And I'm not sure her intentions are all that noble -- when I told her that I wasn't coming to spend the night, she told me that I wasn't doing myself any favors because he'd be less "portable" if I didn't take him to sleep away from home. Am I right in thinking of Nate first before agreeing to this plan, or should I just relax and leave him with his grandmother?

[sweetbasil]

Caroline,
I understand what you mean- my MIL really enjoys time alone with the boys and asks for it often. It was really tough for me to let my guard down initially, but it has become a little easier. The more time I have spent with her, the more I understand her, feel more comfortable with her, and am more inclined to leave one or both boys with her. But really, it's Kellen that I'm comfortable with her watching. She's asked to watch Charlie for extended periods, but he's just so little, I don't wanna give him up for too long, so I usually just say I'll be back in time to bf him.

I'd definitely feel better about easing him into visiting time before leaving him for very long- that's what I did at first with Kellen, too. We found that it was good for everyone to get used to time together in smaller amounts and then ease into longer visits.

Do you think you could tell her what you're feeling, or how do you think she would react?

Really, her "not doing yourself any favors because he'd be less "portable" if you didn't take him to sleep away from home" excuse isn't very strong, since you were just in Houston, and he certainly (I hope!) slept away from home in the week you were here.

By the way- thanks so much for your travel extras that your mom brought back for us! I hope you had a great visit :)

All the best,

[toomanystrollers]

Is your MIL physically capable of watching him? My MIL is in her late '70's and she knows she can't do heavy baby lifting, diaper changes, etc. And how did your husband turn out? :) Maybe just start with an hour alone for her to play Gramma and bring alone your cell phone.

Good luck,

[C99]

Thanks for your response, Julie.

And thanks again for lending us your PnP -- he did sleep quite well in it, actually! I hope the diapers and baby food were something you can use for Charlie and not just taking up space. I think I goofed on the diaper size, but I looked through old posts and saw that you used that brand, so I thought you might be able to use them.

I did have a good visit. Next time I am in town (I told my mom that we might come just Nate and me over the winter), we will have to have a *real* BBB playdate. :)

[marit]

Yes, I think she's only trying to help and yes, you should think only about your baby (and not her feelings).

My daughter is about your son's age and letting her stay with strangers (to her, not to me) was very very difficult at first (first time was when my husband was on a business trip, she was 7 months old, after a week I almost freaked out so I left her with a nanny a friend recommended - I cried when I left). Now it is much easier because she became very social (of-course I leave her only with people I completely trust).

I would say, follow your instincts but think about that: this is a stage you and your baby need to take eventually, and this might be a good opportunity to start (IF you're ready for it)

HTH,

[C99]

Yes, she is physically capable. She watches my nieces (ages 4, 11 mos) on a regular basis and she did have 3 boys (under the age of 5, at one point) and a husband who traveled constantly, so I know she's capable. Part of me worries just because I'm not sure what to expect at the eye doctor (he's never been before), but I suppose that unless he's traumatized by it, I should leave him for an hour. It will be at home, so at least that's familiar to him. And it will give me time to get his big Christmas present (not that he can't see it before the day, but I don't know how I'll carry him and the box!).

Thanks for helping me work this out.

[sweetbasil]

>I hope the diapers and baby food were something you can use for Charlie and not just taking up >space. I think I goofed on the diaper size, but I looked through old posts and saw that you used >that brand, so I thought you might be able to use them.

They were perfect--- in fact, they're already gone ;) I'd never seen doublers like that before, and am saving them for when he's a bit older and starts needing extra absorption powers in the night! Thanks for your thoughtfulness. It was great to meet you, if only for a few minutes.

>I did have a good visit. Next time I am in town (I told my mom that we might come just Nate and >me over the winter), we will have to have a *real* BBB playdate. :)

That'd be great! I'm glad the rains dried up for you all- it was pretty crazy here the week before. We'll look forward to your next visit...oh, and your Christmas pic is perfect- the family one is so great of you three, and Nate's alone pic is adorable. He's such a beautiful baby!

[flagger]

>...or should I just relax and leave him with his grandmother?

Yes you should. Nate is no longer a newborn. You need to give yourself permission to do something for yourself now and then. Something decadent, maybe even sinful (like a chocolate sundae all by yourself).

He will not always get to meet all his teachers when he starts school and you entrust him in their care. She will be in your house and you will not have a break with DH not coming home at night. I say go for it and allow yourself some mommy time.

>>>since I'm taking Nate to the opthamologist in the morning and I wouldn't sure if he would be disoriented from the experience or from any eye dilation or anything.<<

You have no idea how he will react, but it sounds like you are making excuses not to do something for yourself. That is ok, of course, but OTOH he might just react perfectly fine after the opthamologist.

[Sarah1]

Caroline,

The first time leaving Nate totally alone w/ someone new, even a relative, will of course be tough. The first time I left Audrey alone with a babysitter, I only went out for an hour and was really nervous, but it was an important step. And this being your MIL, you know you can completely trust her. It's good for everyone...and good for Nate to get used to having you gone sometimes. Start with just an hour and work up from there!

[pritchettzoo]

Can you leave them "alone" while you're still in the house? Like have them play elsewhere while you clean out a closet or something? Just to test the water so to speak. Then if you AND Nate feel comfortable, you could run an errand or two. I don't know your son, so I have no idea how he reacts to "strangers," but in a vacuum I would recommend relaxing and letting him enjoy his grandmother. He will feel your tension, so your relaxing is key! But his well-being definitely comes first. If there's no reason to supervise MIL (like she's a whacko), then having him develop an independent, loving relationship with her would be great for him. It will help him learn how to interact with people other than you and DH.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[jojo2324]

Caroline, I think it's a good idea to try it out with your MIL. See how it goes at the doctor's, but don't rule out the idea just because he has to go to the doctor. You might be surprised at how easily Nate adapts...Gannon at that age would act like a perfect angel if friends watched him, but with me, forget it! (Not saying Nate isn't an angel, but we're talking about a kid who refused to nap, then would sleep for three hours straight for somebody else. Stinker! :P)

I hope it works out for you!

[egoldber]

I understand your concern. When DD was a newborn, I wouldn't leave her with my MIL, because, frankly, my MIL is really BAD with babies. She doesn't much like holding babies, was always wanting to give her a bottle/pacifier, etc. Now MY mom, on the other hand, is WONDERFUL with babies. She just has that knack of soothing babies and they always love her. So I had no qualms leaving DD with her while I ran errands and stuff.

But once DD was older, my MIL is NOW much better with her. She doesn't do well with babies, but older babes and toddlers are a different story. She is now great with DD and we recently left DD with her for 5 days while DH and I went away together for the first time since DD was born.

So I think Flagger raises a good point. Nate isn't a newborn anymore and doesn't require the same kind of care that a newborn deos. And since she is already familiar with watching small kids and babies, it sounds like a win win. But your fears are VERY understandable and a lot of moms share them. Its a BIG DEAL to leave your child for the first time. But this sounds like a terrific oppostunity for you to get your feet wet.

If Nate doesn't respond well at first to your MIL, give it a chance. It takes my DD a long time, at least 30 - 90 minutes to warm up to people she hasn't seen in a long time. But after that, she's fine.

Good luck!

[Melanie]

Yes, you are SO right. Of course this is coming from a mother who also has not left MIL alone with her Ds (Heck, I have rarely left my own mother alone with him) and has zero plans to do so within in his lifetime. She gets visits, supervised by US. However, that's another story. ;-)

What if you put a different twist on it, and just thank her but say you would actually just love time to take a bubble bath or "play" on the internet, garden, whatever. Something that you would get some enjoyment and relaxation out of, but would keep you at home in case you are needed by your son (and so you can keep an ear out).

[C99]

>Yes you should. Nate is no longer a newborn. You need to give
>yourself permission to do something for yourself now and then.

>You have no idea how he will react, but it sounds like you
>are making excuses not to do something for yourself.

I'm not making excuses not to "do something for myself." I get out of the house and do things alone all of the time. My concern was really about changing too many things for my child in a short period of time.

[jmofarrill]

Caroline, I completely understand your reservations. Of course you aren't making up excuses not to enjoy time to yourself. If you aren't comfortable leaving Nate alone, then stay at home while his g-mom is there. I don't like leaving Anwyn alone with my in-laws, so I try to invite them over to my house occasionally to watch her while I clean. I do not care for the idea of leaving her alone with them at all, so this is my compromise.

I am having similar issues with other family members broadly and not-so-subtly hinting that we should go out so they can babysit. I thank them and tell them I'll let them know if I decide to take advantage of their offers. It's all in how the different people relate to and take care of Anwyn, how Anwyn responds to them, and my own comfort level with them. If any of these factors fail, then the person does not spend time alone with Anwyn. Honestly, I really don't know why so many people think I must be so eager to foist her off on a babysitter. I WANT to spend my time with her. I WANT to take her with me wherever I go. I am her MOM, for crying out loud.

Ok, off the soapbox now.

[amp]

When I read your post, my gut reaction is to feel the same way that you do, because I get that same protective feeling when it comes to my MIL wanting to spend time alone with Jacob. She hasn't yet, by the way, but wants to desperately. But....I thought it was just so she could see him without me around and I wasn't caving in to that. Can you tell we don't like each other very much?! Then, we spent Thanksgiving week with my parents and MY mom wanted us to go out and let her babysit. I felt a little defensive, but I trust them completely, so I figured I'd better try it with them first and see how it went. I guess with my MIL it might be a little of wanting to spend time with Jacob without me looking over her shoulder, but I guess maybe it's not *entirely* personal. I am trying to wrap my head around leaving her with him for any length of time, but I can't quite do it yet.

I know this isn't terribly helpful to you, but just wanted you to know that whether or not it's rational, I think your feelings are natural. Hopefully someone more objective will give you some good advice. ;-)

[McQ]

While not trying to minimize your concerns, this does sound like it could be a win-win. Give Nathaniel some time to warm up to his grandma. If it goes well, go about your errands. It'll be a nice break for you and nice for them to bond. If you're still not comfortable (or he's uncomforatble from the doc visit), you haven't lost anything.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[nigele]

Caroline,

Coming from a Mom who doesn't get a lot of alone time, I say go for it! Maybe you could leave for an hour and come back because you "forgot" your cell phone, purse, whatever. That will give you an opportunity to see how Nate is doing and decide if both he and you will be okay for a longer stretch. If he's doing fine, you could go back out.

I'm trying to think of Tom's first eye appointment (at seven months) but can't remember him feeling traumatized afterwards even though his eyes were dilated. I'm sure Nate will be fine!

Good luck!

[KMommie]

I don't think you're being overprotective. I think you are being a careful mommy! Like you said, you aren't sure how Nate is going to react to MIL, especially when you're dealing with an opthamologist appointment the same day. I think you should just leave it up to how you and Nate feel after coming home from the appointment. If Nate feels comfortable and so do you, then go for it.

Having an overly pushy MIL, myself---I'm wondering if maybe you're just a bit irritated that she just decided on her own that she was going to get to babysit solo. It's kind of assuming a bit much! Then again, I'm pretty touchy when it comes to stuff like that.

Hang in there, and do only what you feel comfortable with, after all, how could you concentrate on "away time" when you don't feel good about who's watching Nate??!

Jeannie
mommy to Kiki 4/18/03

[C99]

>Having an overly pushy MIL, myself---I'm wondering if maybe
>you're just a bit irritated that she just decided on her own
>that she was going to get to babysit solo. It's kind of
>assuming a bit much!

I think this was sort of it, too.

Anyway, just to update everyone: The eye appointment went well and he seemed non-plussed by the eye dilation (didn't like it going in though), so I ended up leaving him to play with Grandma. The timing of everything worked out well today, so he had nursed, napped, and eaten lunch and was therefore ready to play when I left. I only went out for an hour or so, because I didn't have that much I needed to accomplish and I wasn't sure how he would do. When I came back, my MIL said that he was really happy and didn't even look for me. :(

[kristine_elen]

I think you should do whatever you're most comfortable with, regardless of her intentions. If you don't think you should leave him, then don't. You're the mamma now, so you're in charge and can do what you want.