Having a really hard night

[lmintzer]

I am sitting here crying feeling the worst I've felt since DS #2 was born 3 weeks ago. It's been a rocky 3 weeks for a few reasons (DS was born unexpectedly at almost 36 weeks; he had jaundice and needed phototherapy treatment at home; we've been struggling and working really hard at breastfeeding which is time consuming and exhausting; DS #1's adjustment has been harder than I even imagined; and DH is having trouble at work--long story but his boss is very unhappy with him for no just cause and he may have to think about leaving which means we might have to think about leaving Chicago). So, as happy as we are about our beautiful, sweet little baby, life is feeling hard.

Tomorrow is DH's 1st day back to work since the baby. I know 3 weeks off is a luxury and I have no right to complain. But I am feeling so alone and a bit panicky. I know that tomorrow isn't going to go smoothly. It just can't. I keep telling myself that I'll be doing adequate parenting and not excellent parenting because I am only one person and I have to feed my baby and spend time with my struggling toddler. My dad is coming to help, but we'll be up and on our own for a good 4 hours before he gets here, and he's somewhat limited in his helping abilities.

I know it's far from the truth, but tonight, I am feeling so alone with my fears and my challenges. It makes me feel a little better just to post here because I know some of you with two must have been through this.

I'd like very much to post at the end of the day tomorrow and let whoever reads this know how the day went. With this group, I feel like I can post honestly, even if the day is a total disaster.

Thanks for your support.

Lisa
& Jack, 4/20/01
& Joshua, 11/16/03

[parkersmama]

Awww, Lisa, your post made me really sad. I really, really hope that things will be looking up in the morning. It is so hard and scary those first few days alone but I'm here to assure you that you'll make it and soon be better at it than you ever thought possible! I've felt that way each time and each time it worked out okay. That didn't always mean showered, dressed, and facing the day fresh but it did mean getting through the day without any major disasters! I know that your post tomorrow will say that, although it wasn't necessarily easy, you made it through. I hope things work out with your dh's job and that your dad is an even better helper than you thought! Keep your chin up...I'll be thinking of you!

[ktdid74]

Hi Lisa- I just wanted you to know you're not alone having those fears! DS was almost 3 when DD was born but I can't tell you how petrified I was the first day I was by myself! Dh only took 1.5 weeks off and I had a c/s so I was just starting to get back to normal. It's so scary but you just need to do whatever to get through it. I'm ashamed to admit how much TV we watched those first few weeks but I had to do it. It's all about survival at that point! I don't know where you live but if you can go outside at all then that's a big help. Let your toddler run off some energy and the fresh air will do you good. However if you're living in blizzard central like I am, some well timed videos may have to do.
You're going to make it and it will get MUCH better! DS was a 36 weeker with jaundice and BF issues so I really feel for you. Just take it one hour at a time and let us know how the day goes!

[Roleysmom]

Lisa, hang in there! This is hard, hard work and I know that you are doing the best job possible for your boys. I bet your dad will rise to the challenge and help you as much as he can tomorrow. Maybe it will help to take it one day at a time. Your goal for tomorrow is to have Jack well-occupied with Grandpa while you nurse and take care of little Joshua and hopefully get some moments to yourself. It Jack doesn't eat anything besides goldfish crackers before Grandpa comes and spends the morning hanging out on the bed in pjs showing you pages from his books while you nurse the baby, that's okay. Maybe he'll see it as a big adventure? Your husband may have a hard day at work tomorrow but who knows, everything could right itself and work out okay. Try not to worry about that just yet.


Please do post and let us know how it goes. Tuesday will be another day to either try again or build from your success on Monday. We are wishing you the best.


Paula-- mom to Roley Julia 01-04-02

[kathsmom]

Lisa,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed right now. If it helps any, I was in the exact same situation as you this time last year. My DD had just started kindergarten and was having some trouble adusting to her new little brother. My DH was travelling with a job and I was left all alone (usually for a week at a time) with a 6 year old who was just getting used to starting school (and having a new baby in the house) and a 4 week old baby. It was stressful, but I tried to just take one thing at a time. Sometimes it was hour by hour and other times it was minute by minute.

My DH was in a bad job situation too. Unfortunately my DH felt that he needed to quit his job, but within 1 1/2 months of his resigning from the nightmare job, he found another job in our city. I hope that things work out for your DH and that he has a great day tomorrow.

If you need to talk, please feel free to e-mail me through the boards. I know what you're going through and if I can help in any way, just let me know. Just hang in there and take everything a little bit at a time and know that we are all here for you and your family. Please post and let us know how your day goes.

Take care!

[lizajane]

oh lisa, i totally understand. i didn't have a toddler to chase when schuyler came, but i did have a bili light at home. i did have a terrible breastfeeding experience. and i was all alone on day 8. my mom left, jeffrey went back to work, and there i was all by myself.

i really wish i could come over and help you! i wish i could play wtih joshua so that you could hang out in bed with jack all day, nursing and relaxing. we are all thinking about you and will definitely want to hear how the day went tomorrow.

i know it is so hard to ask for help, but try to let your dad do whatever he can do. even if you need him to get joshua out of the house for a few hours so that you can rest. i know the cold weather makes it a lot harder, but maybe they could just go to a mall and walk around.

we are here for you!!

liza

[khakismom]

Lisa, you're doing great!! Just take 1 hour at a time and try to relax--I know it's hard! :) I promise that it does get easier with time. Let your dad do what he can to help. I wish I was there to lend a hand. Big hugs and please let us know how your day goes!! :)

[C99]

Oh Lisa!

I'm so sorry. I am in Chicago and I don't have anything going on tomorrow morning. Can I help in some way? Actually, my husband is going out of town for a week and although I don't have 2, I completely relate to how you feel right now. I remember feeling panicked when my husband went back to week (also after 3 weeks off). Like: Don't leave me alone with the baby!?! I'm pretty apprehensive about J.'s trip too.

Just remember: if we didn't have days when we were parenting "adequately," we probably wouldn't have "excellent" parenting days either.

I'm going to PM you my information. Please LMK if I can help you out in any way.

[jojo2324]

Lisa, we are always here for you!! I am sorry you are having such a hard time...Could you perhaps look into finding some help, maybe a person who could come at the end of the school day to help with Jack? Do you have any mommy friends you can call on to give you a little help at home?

Please do post tomorrow to let us know how it goes. I am thinking of you!

[Sarah1]

I have **NO** idea what it must be like with two, but I just wanted to say, HANG IN THERE!

This might help you feel better (or at least put things into SOME perspective): A good college friend of mine has twin boys (age 3), and at 29 weeks pregnant, her amniotic sack ruptured. Fortunately, she's made it to 30 weeks on bedrest at the hospital, but she could go into labor any day. I have no idea how she's dealing with her twin boys while she's living at the hospital...and then there's the worry about the health of the baby. Not to trivialize your situation AT ALL...just thought it might give you a boost knowing things could be a LOT worse!

Hang in there girl! You'll be fine!

[lmintzer]

You guys are wonderful! I am really touched by your kindness. What an amazing group of people to offer so much from their hearts. I am feeling a little better already just reading your posts.

I'm sure part of why I am so down is just exhaustion at this point. Joshua didn't sleep well last night, so I have less reserve than usual.

Thanks for your stories and words of wisdom. I'll definitely try to remember that it's okay to if Jack and I are still in pajama, watching Clifford videos, and eating goldfish crackers at 10:00 a.m. : ) Maybe it will actually be fun to lower our usual standards and have a "junk food/junk t.v." day.

Thanks again, and I'll definitely let you know how it goes.

Lisa

**Oh, and we do have help 3 days/week. Just not on Mon. and Wed. Jack's nanny (I work 3 days/week when not on maternity leave) will be here Tues. a.m.--thank goodness!

[pritchettzoo]

I wish I were in Chicago! Not that I'd be much help with a 12 week old, but...

It is completely okay to still be in pajamas at 10 am! I am still in pajamas most days at 2 or 3! Put in videos that DS#1 likes and have a snuggle day with the three of you in bed.

Good luck! I hope your day goes smoothly.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Lisa,
We are here for you!!! You know where to find us. I'm sure you have the added burden of worrying about DH's job too and that can be really hard. Please check in tomorrow and keep us all posted, if I lived near you I'd come by and offer to help!!!
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[kristine_elen]

Lisa,

I remember what a mess I was the first few weeks after Jack's birth and sometimes I would think to myself, "How do people manage to do this when they've also got a toddler?"

Some friends of our have two kids with similar spacing to yours and they said the first six months or so after their second child was born were the worst months of their entire life. (All the regular new-baby issues, plus the big sister started acting out and totally regressing herself.) The good news is, it all passed and now things are pretty managable and fun.

I hope things get better for you soon. But try to remember that even if they don't, the really sucky part will only last a few short months and after that you'll have two wonderful sons to enjoy. Hopefully it will be like labor; really painful, but soon afterward you forget and are ready to do it again!

Keep us posted.

[jmofarrill]

Lisa - Of course it's perfectly okay if you're in your pj's at 10:00 AM watching tv and eating junk food! Take all the time and do what you need to recover so that you can feel good and confident about taking care of your little ones. Best of success!

[starrynight]

It's okay to be in jammies at 10am , some days at this house we all never get out of jammies LOL. And then we have less hectic days where we all get dressed in real clothes and get baths and showers ;).

Hang in there Lisa, it does get easier and I'm glad you will have some help. Get some rest if you can! Exhaustion always makes anything seem worse. *hugs* I hope you have a great week :).

[mharling]

Lisa -
I am so sorry you are feeling alone and scared. Adequate parenting is certainly acceptable on Day #1 with a toddler and new baby without your dh! No matter what happens, you will get through it and we'll be waiting to hear about it. I'll be thinking about all of you.

I live in the Chicago area as well (not super far from you either) and would be more than happy to help out if you need anything, tomorrow or any day after that too!

Mary & Lane 4/6/03
http://www.shutterfly.com/osnt.jsp?i=67b0de21b356c32425b2 - Halloween Pics!

[barbarhow]

Oh yeah. Lower those standards. Heck if you get out of your pjs at all, I would call it a stellar day! Goldfish, jammies and Clifford sounds perfect to me. That's about all my Jack and I have been doing for the last 10 days while he's been sick. (The goldfish are for me).
Hang in there-I hope things get better.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[sweetbasil]

Lisa,
I'm looking forward to hearing how your day goes- and I'm sending hopes that it'll be great. Two little ones are a challenge, but you can do it! I find that when one of the boys is more high-maintenance, the other one is unusually mellow and calm. And there are lots of mornings when I call DH at 10am to tell him that we've done a lot so far- everyone has eaten and is dressed, a true success in my book!

I'm pretty new to this mom-of-two thing myself, but please feel free to PM me anytime. I'll be glad to give you my phone #- for me, at the beginning, phone time was easier than computer time. Also, do you have a sling, pouch, or other carrier? That was invaluable to me in the first few weeks after we brought Charlie home, and I'd never had one with DS#1.

Hang in there, sweetie!

[MartiesMom2B]

Lisa:

I'm thinking about you today as you have your first day alone. I remember how scary it was too. You'll be great. Even if you are still wearing pajamas when DH comes home. I believe I was in 24 hour pjs for the first 2 months. Let your dad entertain and watch Jack while you lay in bed with Joshua.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[jojo2324]

PJs are definitely the way to go!!! :) LOL, after DS came home, I went out and bought "socially acceptable" pajamas to wear to the bank or post office. Velour suits, lounge pants, etc. I didn't care!! And, it took MONTHS for me to get into a regular shower schedule with DS...I am gearing up for my less than clean self once Little Miss arrives!! :P

I hope today you are feeling a little better...And I'm glad you have help coming tomorrow!

[McQ]

My son was born at 35 weeks, spent an extra night in the hospital for phototheraphy and didn't figure out out how to breastfeed until day 12. That was hard and I didn't have a toddler to take care of. So I'm thinking of you and wishing you well today!!!

Enjoy your day in your PJs. Goldfish and Clifford and cuddles sound like a great day to me. Have your husband bring home take out too.

Allison
~ mommy to Declan 3.24.03

[drsweetie]

Actually, I think that being in my jammies watching TV at 10 am sounds great! I would love to have a day like that!

To echo, sort of, what someone else has said, don't focus too much on doing "only adequate" parenting for a little while -- adequate still gets the job done. Hang in there!

Ellen
Mom to Laura 6/9/03

[doubleL]

Lisa,

I am thinking about you and your boys today, but I bet things are going fine. I remember vividly the night BEFORE my first day alone with a 2 year-old and a 3-week old. And all those same feelings you were having last night. Especially of how I should've been grateful DH stayed home three weeks, but...

Well I don't remember the first ACTUAL day alone at all, so it couldn't have been that bad. Hope yours is going great, but if it's not, that's okay too. You will have good days and bad days... that's just life. Thanks for sharing. Wishing you a day filled with an abundance of life's greatest little pleasures.

Lou
~DS 5.01
~DD 6.03

[amp]

Oh Lisa, sweetie....Big hugs to you. I know you've got a lot on your plate and it can feel very alone. You aren't alone. You're husband will still be there when you need him. And when he's not there....you have us! Hang in there. Hugs!

[jec2]

I cried tons the day my dh first went back to work...even though my parents were here to help and dh only worked a 1/2 day. I Can only imagine what you must be feeling but hang in there. Definately let us know how things go. Good luck!