How do I encourage independent play?

[houseof3boys]

For the last month or so Ryan will not let me put him down. He will last in the exersaucer for 10 minutes tops but more like 4 minutes lately. Right now as I type this he has been in there a minute and he is only 10 feet away and he is squaking. I have the gymini right next to the computer but he won't lie down in it anymore either. Even the shower is getting nuts since he starts whimpering when he is in the bouncy. Could this be separation anxiety already? I just want him to be able to play by himself for 20 mintues. It seems unhealthy to me that he can't do this. He is a happy kid and loves to be held. I let him whimper for a minute or two and sing or talk to him to calm him down but it ends up being a full blown cry if I don't pick him up. We play in his room together and even if I am reading a magazine while sitting next to him he has a heart attack if I am not watching him instead of the book/magazine/tv.

Thoughts?

TIA

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Debbi-
at about Ryan's age I started making mazes of what I called "palattes" on the floor, I would put out different blankets and even the gymni (which he would scoot under and move on) and toys for him to interact with at differnt places on the palatte. I don't know if that would help. he would have to roll from toy to toy and he did. From the time Tristan was born I would encourage independent play by givng him space to discover things...usually in the first few minutes of waking him when I wanted to grab and kiss on him I would step back and let him wake up and kind of check out things for himself...usually the dogs, cats etc....If he held a toy wrong my urge was to hop down and show him how to really hold it...but this same little book I read that taught how to ecourage independence also taught how to not do that...

I don't know if this much help, it's not really backed up by any "studies" that I know of I just parent on "gut" and that has worked for us...
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[deborah_r]

Kai's been pretty content by himself since he started rolling. Also I sit him down with his toys and put pillows around him in case he falls over and he stays pretty busy.

Right now I was just going to post something titled "Lights On, doo-doo-doo-doo-da-doo, doo-doo-dooo, Lights Off!" because that is what I've been listening to for five minutes now while he is playing with the Learning Table and it is making me crazy, but at least he's playing by himself, so I'll count my blessings!

Not sure if this helps - I think all babies are just different about this. I've never read anything like this, but I was thinking, maybe if he plays for 5 minutes by himself, then you go and pick him up and goo and gah with him, then put him back down when he seems like he's had his fill of your attention, and try 7-10 minutes the next time. Or maybe progress even more slowly. Instead of waiting for him to get bored and fussy <not suggesting that you do that, but mine gets bored and fussy and I snap to and realize he's been alone for awhile!>. Does that make sense? Kind of like sleep training, just slowly reassuring him that you are there and will come back sooner than later?

[mamahill]

I think it's something that comes and goes and grows with time. Ainsleigh went through a whole phase where she was only content to play if she was sitting on my lap. Then one day she was perfectly content to take the tampons out of the box and put them back in for half an hour.

Obviously now she's getting older and it's a lot easier. A couple months ago she started making her Little People converse with each other and it is hilarious now. They do a lot of kissing:).

[cchavez]

It seems like Diego went through this about a month ago. I would try not to pick him up but I would stay near him or move him onto another toy and get him engaged in a new activity. Thank goodness the phase didn't last long. I hope the same goes for you!

[heva]

I just read a really interesting book with a rather different theory on child development. The book is called "Your Self-Confident Baby" by Magda Gerber and it is based on the RIE philosophy (which stands for Resources for Infant Educarers). In a nutshell, the theory proposes that infants who are left to play by themselves while parents quietly observe them are more apt to find ways to self soothe, entertain and confidently learn. I've only been trying it for the past few days, but it is remarkable what DS discovers on his own without my help - and you should see the delight on his face when he does. I am certainly no expert, so I'd recommend checking out the book for more info.

[khakismom]

Ellen is going thru this little phase a bit right now too! (Makes sense since their birthdays are 1 day apart! :)) I find that if I get on the floor and engage her with lots of eye contact she resumes happy play. I also think she does this when she gets bored with an activity or certain toys. She also does this when she is tired too. :)

[houseof3boys]

I do all of that, but even if walk away for a second to do anything quick (laundry, open the door to let the dog outside, anything!)the crying starts.

He is perfectly content every second I am around but the second I leave the crying starts.

It's not a tired thing either since we still stick to the hard fast rule about awake for no more than 2 hours since he only naps for about 30 minutes at a time.

[houseof3boys]

Well, he defintely does not self soothe since we have that problem at night with him waking up and not being able to go back down without one of us.

I really do want him to be more indepenent since it just doesn't seem healthy to me that I can't even be 3 feet away from him without crying. I sing and make sure that he knows I am right there and talk about what he is playing with but he wants me right down there with him every second.

I'll check out the book! Thanks.

[houseof3boys]

I try to do that too since we have a bunch of new toys and blocks but he won't play unless I am right there on the floor with him every minute. Right when I think he is fine and I get up to do anything, he starts crying even if he can still see and hear me because I sing if he cries. It's one of those things that he has huge crocodile tears but then he laughs when I sing.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

This RIE Philopsophy is what the book I read is also geared around...it has worked great for us I think!!!

Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[houseof3boys]

Christine did he eventually just stop crying when you didn't pick him up? I have tried that for a few minutes but the next time it is the same ole routine.

I hope the phase passes soon.

[alkagift]

Debbi,
Matthew has just lately started doing this; for him it seems to be a boredom issue. He gets annoyed with the Gymini I think because he's been there, done that--I lay him down and he starts crying. I know this isn't exactly your situation, but the whining and crying seems similar. I bought him some stacking cups and that's been holding his attention the longest because they're new and they're a bit complicated (hard to hold, move unpredictably, don't fit into his mouth, etc). I also find that he cries more now that he's frustrated about his lack of mobility--he can see things he can't get to because he can't crawl. I'm hoping that as he has successes with things by himself, he can begin to move beyond this stage.

For what it's worth, after DS was so sick during the week of Thanksgiving, he became needier and BF longer (sometimes as much as 30 minutes), which he still does, even though the ear infection is long gone. Of course, my less than helpful mother now says that I "spoiled" him while he was sick and he'll now always be whiny. Thanks, mom.

Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[khakismom]

All the experts say that 6 months is when babies learn how to pull your strings. That's what's probably going on, and he is just feeling like he'd rather be with you than alone. Kathleen used to do this all the time around 7-8 months. I would put her in the playpen to play while I did work on the computer. The playpen was right next to the computer and she would stand up and hold on the side and wail and wail! It took her a few minutes of crying but I wanted her to understand that mommy was working and couldn't play with her now. She would stop after a few minutes and then play quietly by herself. You may have to let him have his moments of crying--I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but that's what I would do. Good luck sweetie! :)

[cchavez]

Well, it wasn't a full blown out cry, just a fussy cry but then he would get distracted and be ok.

[MamaKath]

I know with my kids, I would double check other things when they would go through a stage like this. Was some part of their routine out of wack? Have I changed something around in the house that is throwing them off? Is there a reason they seem "needier" (sickness, teeth)? In general the more attached they were, the more independant they were, and willing to take risks when they felt secure. This actually still runs true even into preschoolhood and toddlerhood. When they feel other things are not "right" they tend to be clingier, etc. Bedtime routine is a big culprit in our house, also holidays (bringing decorations out, lights from the outside shining in, etc), and everytime we "redecorate" it throws them both into a tizzy!

As far as developmentally- this is the stage you start getting seperation anxiety. Can you pick some favorite toys and keep them close at hand in a basket or bin that you are able to move with you and Ryan? For the shower, could you get a clear shower curtain so he can still see you? Or bring him in to splash at your feet? Can you sling him while you do things like clean or even type? Even with all this 20 minutes is asking a lot. Many older kids (4ish) are just getting to this stage, few 6 month olds can. But there are times you need to get something done, and part of being a kid is sometimes waiting a moment or two. I have never been comfortable pushing that, especially when I realize there may be something else going on.

Edited to add- Maybe trying a toy with a new developmental skill. I always liked Discovery Toys for this, but real simple stuff too works like: plastic cup and clothes pins (the no spring kind) to put in it, plastic cups of different shapes to explore, blocks with different textures (right now it would be more of a check out of the cup and the pins though, lol), a small box with a variety of things to take out and feel, taste, etc., brightly colored items like plastic baby spoons are even fun at this age. Also maybe add some music into the background if you don't play any- anything soothing with a melody like country, kids songs, or classical can really relax a lot of kids.

This will pass, and things will get "different" with new challenges and joys! Just hang in there~ {{{Hugs}}} for you Debbi!

[heva]

That's so great to hear, Neve! One of my best friends from college gave me the book - she's the friend that all of us in college always knew would be the BEST mom. I love watching her interact with her DD who is now 18 mos. and very independent, curious, but completely respectful of others.

Questions for you: when did you start with Tristan? Nash is 11 weeks on Sunday and I'm just beginning to allow him to play on his own for longer periods (>10 min) this past week. It is amazing to watch them figure things out, isn't it?

[egoldber]

Well, I think a lot of this depends on your child's personality. Some babies are just naturally more independent than others. I consider myself lucky because my DD has always been fairly independent and content to amuse herself for pretty long periods of time.

But I agree with Kath. If this is a new development, definitely ask yourself if something has changed. Take his temperature, there could be a cold or other illness coming on. At that age it could definitely be teething. He could be getting ready to roll over or (heaven help you) crawl. My good natured DD always gets fussier when teething, sick or approaching a major motor milestone.

He could also easily be bored. My DD was never a big fan of the Gymini. She didn't like it at all after 5 months. (I consider it one of my biggest wastes of money.) She much preferred being on a blanket on the floor with toys. I liked this because I could rotate the toys so that she didn't get bored with them. And lots of babies are not big fans of the saucer. So try some new and different toys and scenarios (Neve had some great suggestions).

But honestly 20 minutes is a long time for a baby to play by themselves. Even now, my DD will play for a few minutes, come over to me and "check in", wander off and play some more, then check in again, etc.

And if none of that works, then just snuggle and try not to get too worried about trying to get anything else done. I learned to speed shower or shower during her naps.

Good luck!

[houseof3boys]

Thanks for the advice. There really isn't anything different going on in the house and he just went to the doctor so I can rule out health. I think it is just the age.

The shower door is glass, and I talk to him through the glass a few times every time I am in the shower.

We just got a bunch of great new toys and he is interested in them but I have to be with him on the floor or on the bed for him to enjoy them. I can read next to him if he is on our bed but only for a few minutes and then the fussing starts. We always have fun music on too. Digital cable gives us the music channels so the current weeks favs are the holiday songs or disco and we dance around in the sling. Hey, that counts as exercise doesn't it? :)

He hates the sling if he is not moving around in it (I tried again today) so that isn't going to work when I am trying to do stuff sitting. It does let me cook dinner and do a little bit of stuff but boy do I get tired at the end of the day after wearing him all day.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback on this. I am just going to hope that this is a phase and I am definitely going to check out the recommended book to see if that has any good tips to help us out.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I knew pre pregnancy that I was going to follow this type of approach. It is funny I have every book on babies there is (and only a few have I bought the others have been given to me or loaned)I kid you not I bet I have 90% of the ones mentioned here often. But I never took the time to read any of them (I'm not easily influenced I don' think and am not a big reader though I wish I was). Beth recommended this RIE book to me when I mentioned my thoughts of raising a child and I loved it. It's "trees make the best mobiles", and it is such easy reading, the book you mention I would LOVE to get and am going to, it has been on my radar.

I actually think I started much of it's practices right away. I got Tristan very used to his bouncer (the simplest of the simple one, NO bells and whistles at all on his), he had a lot of spaces to play that were safe for him, and I just gave him his time to look around and discover. We have eaten at very fine establishments becasue I think he is comfortable with surroundings. I sling him 99% of the time when we are out and about, we hardly ever use our stroller (not because I planned it that way the sling just works for us and is easily grabbed and used), BUT I never used the sling in the home (I had tried but I was not successful at it) but I think this allowed me to give him his space when I was doing other things. Tristan definitly fits into our lives in all honesty we have changed very little since having him. I do think that is about to change now that he is mobile for instance we have a wine club shin dig on Friday and it used to be we would take him...but now that is not an option...He has only been away from us for about 4 hours since I had him when a dear friend and her hubby watched him.

I found this method (and for some reason I resist saying I practice any real method) seems to fit into my concept of going with my "gut" on things...Many say Tristan is very easy going but I'd like to think I have alittle influence on that. I do surround him with fun things to experiment with, and when everyone asks what book do you recommend I always say one that teaches you how to play the simplest of games with your baby ( ilove the gymboree play book), I'd rather be in the floor with him playing then reading studies and research...but that's just me. No study can influence my parenting...

I'm going to grab the book you mention tomorrow and I'll keep you posted, I'm so glad that you like it!!!

Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[egoldber]

LOL! Neve, I never knew that book was part of any theory! I just thought it was a sensible book that cut through a lot of the jargon you see in other books! :)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

No they say they were trained in the RIE "theory/method/practice/learning" whatever the term :)...I remember doing a search on the method before thinking it would be neat to take a work shop of the practice, but if I remember correctly they were in California only.

I do know it was like a "cliff notes" to the book that Heva mentions...and saw some one critique it as such...
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[Karenn]

Debbi,
Is he moving yet? Colin went through a stage like you describe between 5 and 7 months. He wanted to be held ALL the time and the exersaucer and bouncy seat lost their magic. Then suddenly, once he started crawling it was if a whole new world opened up to him (and actually it had!) He was a different baby and spent far more time playing on his own. I'll never forget the change in temperament he went through once he was able to move on his own. My mom says I underwent a similar evolution in behavior when I got my driver's license- so maybe it's genetic. :)

BTW, it was this particular stage that convinced me to invest in my first pouch sling (a $20 hotsling) just so that I could get a few things done. I never expected to be a sling person, but this was SO worth the money!

[houseof3boys]

He is sitting pretty well now and he is attempting to scoot. After reading everyone's thoughts I think it is a phase that is coinciding with teething. He used to be pretty independent so I am hoping it will come back. I try to give him a variety of things to do and play with and he is a happy camper. I guess it's not anxiety since when he is with DH he doesn't seem to miss me a bit. :)

I do think he does get bored pretty easily (like his mommy) too so I'm sure that my expectation of 15 minutes of playing is out of whack after reading what Beth wrote.

[doubleL]

LOL!! I love the driver's license analogy. So true.

Lou
~DS 5.01
~DD 6.03

[picklepeep]

It is because you reinforce his behavior.

He has figured out that when he whines and whimpers, you will come to pick him up and give him attention. Therefore, he does it more and more often. He has learned, "To get mommy's attention, I must whine." He is a VERY smart little guy and trust me, he will pick up on these sorts of things. When I was a nanny I would see it all the time with many parents who didn't know what they were doing wrong.

However, it is much easier to see the problem as an objective observer rather than when it is your own child. Believe me, I know. My husband says, "You're doing the same thing!" And I say, "no, I'm not." It is hard to look at yourself objectively.

The truth is, you must simply leave him there when he whines. (Unless you know he has a real reason for whining, of course.) Smile at him, but do not pick him up. Only pick him up and play with him when he does something positive... reward THAT behavior instead. If you do not teach him he must seek positive attention then he will continue to be clingy and manipulative, and it will become a formative part of his personality.

[cinrein]

We go through phases where Anna just seems to need Mama more. It started when she was 6 mos old and does coincide with teething, not enough sleep or just not feeling so great. I also notice that during these clingy days she reverts to comfort sucking for a bit when she's done nursing, which is something she normally doesn't do.

I hold Anna and give her the attention she's asking for. It only lasts a few days and then she's back to her old self. Most people tell me that Anna is one of the most contented babies they've ever seen, so I don't think I've ruined her yet. :)

Cindy and Anna 2/11/03

[sntm]

Jack does the same. ITA, give him a few days/week of undivided attention and he'll be reassured and back to his old self.


shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03