SAHMs when ( and if) do you plan to return to work

[cchavez]

I have been thinking about this alot lately.....Our plan is that I will stay at home w/ Diego (and hopefully #2) until they start kindergarten. But I really would love to be at home when they arrive from school but I do think that I want to go back to my career... I am a speech language pathologist and I really enjoy this profession. So if we can swing it, I hope to only go back part time for awhile. But DH says we will really need the extra income when they get older so that we can pay for their college. What about you guys....what is your plan?

[mik8]

I work in the medical field and it was a tough choice to decide between being a full-time and part-time mom. I really enjoy being with patients - love interacting at the bedside. There are so many tiers/hours for part-timers that you have the ability to still control your time and be able to stay with your kids. The "primordial" factor that made me decide to work part-time (on call) is the high pace technology in the field of health care nowadays. I don't know in your field but in mine and as well as in any other health care profession, I know that I will become a liability if I stopped working because I would get behind with the ever-changing technology/skills. I want to keep my skills, be able to have some control of my time and be a mom (part-time benefits), and have some extra money for baby's extra expense. HTH. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it's for the best. Best of luck!

[mamahill]

I *am* at work. LOL, I'm not trying to sound snooty or flippant, but this is what I was born to do. All through college my friends were becoming passionate about the law, medecine, music, etc. I followed one of my friend's leads and threw myself into writing, but I always felt like I was missing something. When I was working and I'd have those assessment interviews where they would ask, 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' I never knew how to answer. What you want to hear? Managing a group of writers/designers...blah blah blah. The truth? Staying home, having babies and taking care of them. The day I had Ainsleigh was like the first day of the rest of my career. I finally feel the passion about my daily job that those friends in college were feeling.

Once Ainsleigh (and others?) are in school, I'll volunteer there. My mom still (voluntarily) teaches music at the elementary school after doing it for 15 years.

Go with your heart. Some women are driven crazy and lose their "self" once the kids go to school and they are left with an empty house. For others, me included, this IS what I've always wanted.

[bluej]

I won't work until DH retires from the AF. We move too often and me being home really is the only stable thing we can offer our kids (other than our love and commitment of course). It's been ten years since I graduated from college. I've never used my degrees (audiology and speech pathology) and quite honestly, even if I were current w/ either of them, I'm really no longer interested in either field. So I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to be 'when I grow up'.

[ddmarsh]

It's really hard to see how things are once kids get into school when they are so little and I think often the focus is on when they no longer need us physically. I can tell you from my perspective though that in some ways you are needed more, in very different ways, once they are in school. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have to deal with dinner, homework and activities while working at the same time. Having someone that can take care of a baby/toddler at home or in another setting is one thing; having someone who can do homework and who you could trust to drive them around is quite another.

[bluej]

I pretty much feel the same way you do. I will never have a career outside of the home, but I do hope to have some sort of paying job outside of the home someday. Nothing stressful mind you. My real goal in life is to go from being a mommy to being a grandma. Don't know how that plays into my kids' plans though :)

[houseof3boys]

Well put my dear Sarah!!! I don't think I could say it better than she did so DITTO.

I miss making money and that's about it with my "old" life. I am fortunate that my new job has success written all over it with getting to see all of Ryan's smiles and tears day in and day out. :)

[Calmegja2]

It's boring to ditto, but Sarah said it so well, I will ditto her.

When my youngest enters all day school, I would like to work on my master's degree, but as far as plans for a definite entry into the workforce, with four children, life is only going to get busier around here (my friends tell me that older children require even more time), and my choice will be to be a SAHM, or at least a drives around all day getting things done mom. ;-)

I plan on returning to my volunteer work (I do some now, but not on the level I did before kids), but with our lifestyle, DH's work schedule, and our voluminous amount of kids....I can't imagine a time in the near future where I would be able to commit to a full time, or even part time paid position.

[slknight]

I don't want to start an argument, because I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it and it's just a way of phrasing it. But it's something that really irks me. I work part-time and do NOT consider myself a "part-time mom." I am a full-time mom, just like DH is a full-time dad, even though he goes to work.

Susan and Alex (04.18.03)

[Calmegja2]

Susan, who are you addressing?

[slknight]

Sorry, I was just referring to Aimee's post where she said she "it was a tough choice to decide between being a full-time and part-time mom."

I really am not trying to "start anything." Just feeling sensitive about this today and would like to point out that working mothers are not part-time moms. I should go delete my post. :(

Susan

[cchavez]

Wow! Those are some great responses. I have heard from sooo many people that if you can it would be best to stay at home when they are older too. They still need you so much but in a different way!

DH has it set in his mind that I can get a job at our neihborhood scool. But I really don't want to see my students that frequently outside of school? Does that make sense?

I am hoping the part time thing will work out (i.e 2 days a week) but like I said college is the huge reason I will have to return to work. DH wants us to be able to send our children to any college they want to go to! He has his heart set on Stanford! We are already saving money but college costs are skyrocketing.

Anyway, I still have some time to figure things out. I just was wondering what you guys are planning....did not mean to start a debate!!!

[twins r fun]

I would love to stay home forever, volunteer in my kids' school, maybe tutor a little, but to do that will mean that my DH will have to work two jobs forever, which is not an option. He's going to do it until we get the youngest in school and then I'll go back to work. Luckily I'm a teacher and so is DH so we will have similar schedules to the kids. I'm pretty sure we can swing it so that one of us is home to send them off in the morning and get them in the afternoon. I do love teaching and I do LOVE being a mommy and I feel pretty lucky that the two things will mesh easier than some other jobs.

[Jeanmick]

Christine,

I'm also an SLP and like you, love my career and hope to go back to it soon. With my first child, I was put on unpaid leave status for a year after my maternity leave. After a year, I had to decide whether to resign or go back. I went back, but only part-time. I worked two days a week and LOVED it! I had a couple of days where I could stimulate my mind and have adult conversations, then have the rest of the week to be a SAHM. I had the best of both worlds. Fortunately for me, my mom lives in town and offered to care for my DD while I was at work. My DD benefited from time with her grandmother too!

I worked for only a few months until I had my second child. I'm currently on unpaid leave status again and will soon have to decide once if I want to go back. If I do, it'll be only part-time.

In our line of work, we're lucky. We have the options of working in a clinic, hospital or a school district. We can do per diem work and not be tied down to a lengthy contract (a girlfriend of mine does this). We can even establish a private practice with a small number of clients of our own choosing. I've worked for a school district for a number of years now and the main reason why I had gone back to work was that if I didn't, I would lose my tenure and the level of income that I had acquired working with the district (you teachers out there know what I'm talking about :( ).

Anyway, that's my story. Good luck in your decision and maybe we'll run into each other at an ASHA convention! :)

Take care,

[Calmegja2]

Susan, no need to delete. ;-)

I'm sure Aimee didn't mean it that way...and you're amongst friends here, reminders that we all have different experiences are good things.

[mik8]

Susan,

It's just a figure of speech. Doesn't mean to say I am not devoting my whole time as a mom because it is a 24/h 7d/week job. Pls. don't take it verbatim.

Edited: Sorry if the wording “part-time mom” impacted any working moms (I am a semi working mom too), I’d be more than happy to paraphrase it to “part-time job.”

[jenmcadams]

This is definitely a post that peaked my interest. I'm basically a full-time SAHM right now although I do tend to do anywhere from 0-20 hours/month of contract work for my old employer. This has been nice because the hourly rate is decent and the extra cash is helpful, but it's also frustrating b/c there's not much regularity to it (I always reserve the right to say no if the work is too much, so they're good about it, but I sometimes wish it was more regular). Ideally, I'd like to stay home in some capacity long term. My mom always worked/volunteered at the elementary schools we attended, but was always there to see us off and get us dinner, etc. I really enjoyed that and would like to be able to provide the same to our kids. Even when I was older, I always thought it was cool that my Mom was at every one of my cross country meets, basketball games, etc. I'd definitely like to do the same.

But...I sometimes get conflicted. I spent a lot of money (and two years) getting an MBA from a pretty prestigious program and my career progression (prior to stopping when I had Abbie) had been pretty aggressive. I liked managing a large team of people and making presentations to the Board of Directors about my department's strategy and performance. I know that if I'm ever to go back in a part-time role, I wouldn't be able to manage a team (I've always thought managing people requires day-to-day interaction), but I would love to be back doing higher-level strategic work on a part-time basis. The work I'm doing now for my old company is at that level (writing a business plan for a new division), but it's not consistent and it's an unusal opportunity...not exactly the kind of thing that's easy to find in a typical contracting-type role.

So, I guess my answer to the question of when I'll go back to work, is I'm not sure :) I've actually talked to a number of my friends who are going through this right now who have similar backgrounds (left or are leaving Director or VP-level jobs in their early 30s) to have kids and all of us feel like it's tough to see how we'd reeneter the workforce if we needed to or chose to do so. We've all said that we'd love to talk to people who have done what we'd like to do...stayed home for an extended period of time and then reentered the executive workforce in some capacity. The only example I've seen written about much is Madeline Albright...so not a lot of examples out there :)

Anyways, sorry this is so long, but I'd love to hear others thoughts. I've always said that the ideal thing for me in the short term would be 10-15 hours/week of interesting contract work for clients/companies I'm passionate about...but the longer I stay home with Abbie the less motivated I am to go out and find new clients. I definitely enjoy being with Abbie and don't regret quitting my job, I just sometimes get conflicted when I think about when (or if) I'll return to my career.

[kristine_elen]

I took a year off (unpaid) from my journalism job and then extended it another year. I plan to do some freelancing from home, but other than that I'm not going to work. I was considering taking a new job, but we want to start trying for #2 soon, so that seemed kind of silly. If I can get the freelance thing going, I may never work full time outside the home again, but financially, so that we can invest and won't be eating catfood when we're 70, I will have to make some money at some point, probably when the kid(s) start school.

[egoldber]

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My original plan was to stay at home until all kiddos were in elementary school. But the more I think about it and the more I learn about the whole "mom thing", the more I have begun to think like Debbie. Which is to say that my kids may need me at home even MORE once they are in school. I have even toyed with the idea of home schooling, but frankly, I think I would stink at it.

This may be an eventual source of conflict with DH. He would really like me to go back to work, oh any time now, LOL! He recently confided to me that when I decided to stay at home, he thought I would be bored silly after 6 months and want to go back to work! I was a very successful career woman on a corporate fast track. And while I "thought" I was enjoying it at the time, in retrosepct I can see how awful it was for me. I was SO stressed.

And I definitely agree with Sarah, that this is my "career" right now. I approach being a SAHM with the same vigor and devotion that I approached my corporate career. I know that many women are able to (and have to) be able to do both. Honestly, I think it would tear me apart, and my hat goes off to you.

But I am in the enviable position of not "having" to work. DH wants me to work so that we can afford more luxuries. And my income would definitely help to contribute to a larger retirement savings, but we don't "need" my income now. But I am incredibly fortunate and I realize that. I can't imagine the heartbreak of desperately wanting to be at home with your child and not having the respurces to do so.

[egoldber]

Well, how horrible does this sound?

My DH and I have decided that we plan to tell our children that we will pay their college tuition at any state school that we happen to be residing in at the time. But if they want to go to an out of state school or a private school, they will have to make up the difference themselves, through scholarships or loans. Does that make me awful, LOL! Also not trying to start a debate, but this is how we plan to do things.

[kalebsmama]

Another ditto to Sarah. I waited a long time to be a mom - I was 37 when DS was born. It gave me 16 years in my "career" as a pharmacist, but now I am doing what I've always wanted to do. I have no desire to go back to my 1st career. Sometimes I feel that my friends at my old job think I'm crazy. They are moms, and work, and feel like they "have it all". That's great for them. I'm glad for them. I finally felt like I "had it all" the day Kaleb was born and I left my job to stay at home.

DH wants me to go back once Kaleb (and others?) are in school so we can save for college and retirement. I guess part time might be an option, but only if I can find something where I can be there to see them off to school and be home again when school lets out. I honestly don't see myself going back though.

My stepsons were 12 & 14 when DH and I got married. They lived with us every other week and I quickly cut my hours to 30/week to be able to keep up. DH had a lady that came and watched the kids after school every day. She cooked for them and cleaned his house. She stayed on for awhile after we got married and still came over when I was at work. Once she retired, we always worried about what the kids might be getting into during the 2 hours they were home alone. I think there are too many ways for teenagers to get into trouble! I definitely want to avoid those kinds of problems with DS.

[ddmarsh]

"This may be an eventual source of conflict with DH. He would really like me to go back to work, oh any time now"

Give it some time Beth, you may find that has time evolves he too will see what happens as Sarah (and future children) get older. My DH never expressly pushed for me to practice law but I could sense that it was something he really wanted. It didn't take much time with school and activities for him to realize what all is involved and frankly I just don't think he could handle trying to do alot of that without me.

I do worry about all of those things down the road such as our future finances, what I will do with time on my hands when everyone is in school but I just try to have faith that this works for us and is in the best interest of our children and that everything will fall into place.

As for the college issue Beth I don't think that sounds "bad" at all and have in fact heard of others responding similarly. Actually in recent years I have come to think that I really would like my children a bit closer to home. I used to always think of the "great" schools they could go to but truth be told the older they get and the crazier it seems that the world is the more I am thinking along the lines of having them closer to home at least for undergrad.

[MartiesMom2B]

Beth

This is what I plan to do. This is what my parents did with me. It's not horrible. Yes, I have a student loan, but my student loan is so flexible I don't care.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[amp]

Another boring "ditto" of Sarah's post. I have no desire to do anything else job or careerwise other than care for my children. DH has mentioned that perhaps when he is in school, I can work for a portion of the day. I said, "But how would I be able to do that if I want to be a 'room mom' or go on field trips with DS?" And I want to be here when he comes home from school. By the time he's older, I don't know how marketable I'll be in the real world, and I've done enough jobs where I wasn't valued and that I hated, to know that doesn't excite me. I'd love to be a mom and housewife, then just a mom, and then a grandma, with no job interrupting it! LOL!

Caring for DS and our future children is my passion. I never found a career I loved and I always wondered what other people felt when they found a career or job they loved. Now I know!

[MartiesMom2B]

What a great post Christine. I had always planned on returning back to work part time when DD entered preschool and then move onto full time when she entered elementary school. However now I'm thinking that I'd like to stay at home longer until my kids go to college, or at least get a part time job that will allow me to be at home when the kids come home from school.

I don't know about anyone else, but I grew up in a house with two working parents that would come home around 6:00 - 7:00 at night tax season was completely different). I was a latch-key kid (which I think is out of style now). In highschool, my afterschool activites included a lot of experimentation - which would not have happened if I had a parent home. Knowing what I know now and how I was in highschool I don't know if I'd trust my teenage daughter at home alone. Plus did anyone see Oprah yesterday! I hope that the behavior that is rampant among these pre-teens and teenagers will not be around in 11 years.

This is definitely a tough choice.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[Calmegja2]

I saw Oprah, and I was screaming at the tv during the burglar story.

The mom kept saying how mature her kids were, and how they reacted exactly right, but her kids called her at work to get permission to call 911 when they were being burglarized.

If the child had been truly old enough to be left home alone, the child would have known to call 911 without the middleman.

And then she left them home again alone two days later. Unbelievable.

[csa12]

Ditto on this being a great and relevant post (at least for me). I was intent on a career in academia when I got pregnant. At first I thought that we would put DS in daycare after a year, but now I consider it important for me to be home with him until he enters kindergarten and maybe even beyond that. The funny thing is that, like Beth, I thought that I had a good thing going career wise and that I was "meant" to be in academia. But I was always stressed about research, schools, applications. I still have a passion for the field I got my MA in but I really don't think the life is for me right now. I love being with DS and learning about being a mom. IN a weird sense, he is my research project-LOL!! :) Of course there are days when I miss having "adult" conversation but there will be time for that later--his first year has gond by way too fast!!

DH supports me in whatever choice I make, although he did mention he loved that I stay home with DS. The funny thing is that if I didn't decide to be a SAHM I wouldn't have discovered other hobbies that I am becoming passionate about like quilting. So like many I try to focus on "right now" and making my SAHM status my current career. I say you CAN have it all, but maybe not all at once. KWIM???

Good luck on your decision!
Cheryl :)

[amp]

I had a SAHM and while I did lots of experimentation like Sonia, her being there kept me more in check than I think I would have been if she'd not been there! I was not an easy teenager and I definitely stayed on or close to the right track only because my parents were so incredibly vigilant!

I also saw Oprah, and I know some of those women don't seem to have any other choice than to work since they are single moms, but I just can't see it. Why have kids if you can't even take care of them by being there or finding someone (family, daycare, etc) to be there with them! It must be really difficult to make ends meet, and I'm sure not all of them started out as single moms, but in a lot of cases, I would argue that I waited to have kids until I was sure I could care for them and provide for them. Times and circumstances can be really tough and things can change, but initially, it really *can* be a choice to wait until you can support a family to actually have the family.

[Calmegja2]

Here's a link about Oprah:

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200401/tows_past_20040114.jhtml

I have to say, I'm disappointed, because they left out the part on the Rita story (burglars), about how her children called her, then 911.

[mharling]

I don't know if or when I will return. I worked in the tech industry and I'm sure it won't be long before my skills won't be marketable. Dh does the same thing I did, so at least I do get *some* interaction with my 'former life'. I wouldn't mind finding some 1-2 week contracts here and there, but I definitely don't see myself working a full-time career-oriented job anytime soon. We are completely playing it by ear though and so far, dh is on board with that.

http://www.auction-pix.com/katasha/stuff/snowman.gif Mary & Lane 4/6/03

[mharling]

The majority of the time growing up, my mom would be home when I got home from school. Added to the fact that I grew up on a farm and most of my friends lived in town, I had a lot of 'positive influence' whether I appreciated it at the time or not.

http://www.auction-pix.com/katasha/stuff/snowman.gif Mary & Lane 4/6/03

[Sarah1]

Beth, I don't think that's awful at all. If they get into some amazing school, though, who knows...you might feel differently...
DH got into Princeton and his dad wouldn't pay (and in their case they could afford it)...in the end it all worked out, DH has a successful career, yada yada yada...but, Princeton. Not to take ANYTHING away from ANY public schools, there are so many great ones--but if your kid could go Ivy League, that'd be something to think about :)

[Sarah1]

I don't see myself going back to work, unless we need it financially. Another ditto on Sarah/mamahill's post...beautifully put.

My mom was a SAHM as was DH's mom...maybe that's why we both seem to see eye to eye on this. It's interesting--I have a great friend whose DS is a week older than Audrey, and she's a working mom--very successful and a wonderful mother--and HER mom worked and is STILL working now. So, I wonder how much our own mothers and our DHs' mothers factor into our choices????

[muskiesusan]

I don't think I will ever return full time. I agree that once the kids are in school, they almost need you as much as they do when they are not school aged. I also saw some of Oprah yesterday and that just made me more determined to stay at home! I am scared to see what our kids are doing in ten-fifteen years. Poodle skirts have to come back in style soon, right? Besides, someone on the block has to be at home when their are snow delays or cancellations. :-)

We are fortunate that dh earns enough to allow me to have this plan. Asides from luxery items that we can live without, the biggest impact is me not having a 401k to save for retirement, but we are planning around that. I just quit my part-time wah job to focus on Nick and the new baby, and am lucky that I was told I could return in 4 months or 10 years. This gives me great security and flexibility if something does happen with dh's income as I could be full or part time, work at the office or at home.

On the college tuition front, we plan to help, but not a lot. My parents are very poor and I was left to pay my own. DH's parents are pretty well off and he still had to pay for his. We both feel it helps with learning responsibility and independence, financially and otherwise.

Susan
Mom to Nicholas 10/01/01
& Baby #2 due 4/23/04!!!!

[egoldber]

Well, I guess my perspective is that I was accepted at Yale but would have had a mountain of student loans. Some scholarhsips, but not a free ride and my parents could NOT afford to pay. But I decided to go to the University of Kentucky instead (my home state at the time). Certainly not an equal school, but I had a fantastic experience, made friends for life and had what I thought was a fantastic education. I availed myself of all the wonderful programs that were available to me. And I graduated debt-free. I just read about the debt burden that so many college students now graduate with and it just staggers me. Its like a mortgage!

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I didn't see that show and would normally agree from the sounds of it but when in a scary situation you freak...and I can tell you FIRST hand...at age 17 I was home alone (a senior in highschool), the week-end before my senior year stated. And our house caught on fire, it started in the basement and I was on the first floor...

I ran across the street (hysterical and flailing arms and all) and banged on their door to tell them there was a fire in the house!!!!

You'd think you would just know what to do...but you freak!!!
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[Calmegja2]

But you were removed from the dangerous situation as you freaked...you didn't stand in the house as it burned, you left the house to call 911, which I actually think was quite smart. :-)

These kids stayed in the house, with people breaking in, and instead of taking some sort of immediate action, they called mom at work to ask what to do.

I just don't see how, especially after that, the mom could turn around and leave them home again, almost immediately, and act like it was no big deal. Her demeanor and language on the show showed it was a slight event, in her perspective. And her subsequent actions speak volumes.

[cchavez]

I was great to hear all the opinions regarding college tuition. DH and I both went to a state school for undergrad and our parents pretty much paid for it. I did have a pretty big scholarship. Both sets of parents did not go to college and it was a very big deal when we went, so they paid.

Grad. school was different. I went to a private school and got loans and grants. DH went back to our state school for his MBA and everything (except for living expenses) were paid by his old company.

Our state school is an excellent school and only 3 hours away from where we live now. I would be perfectly happy if Diego went there. We could lock into a great tuition rate and pay for his college now and I would never have to work again but like I said DH has different plans. But when the time comes, it will work out. But I am glad I am letting DH know now that I really want to be available to the kids as much as possible when they are older too. So I am fortunate that we can hopefully consider the part time gig, when we have to make our decision.

[MartiesMom2B]

Neve:

The kids were 11 and 12, at least you were 17.

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[macassi]

I think I got some great advice when my first child was born and I was sad about putting him in daycare. Some ex-professional women with whom my family associated told me that anyone could love my baby, what I needed to worry about was who would be there to raise my school age child. Really, will anyone else care that they get their homework done? Will you have enough energy getting home at 7pm at night to sit down and do the homework and have a family meal? I'm not trying to start a debate, because I am sure that there are women who can do it; I just know that I don't have that kind of energy. I need me time each day.

Anyway, I did work outside the home (in some ways I think my current SAHM job is much harder) and I had always planned to stay home once my son started kindergarten. I have to say that I LOVE being able to be in the classroom, to have his friends over after school, and to let him have some unstructured play time at our house, friends houses or whatever. It is really important for me to be involved in my child's education and for them to have time to just be kids in an unstructured environment. When my last child starts school, I expect that I will become very involved in volunteering for the school. I think the schools need active volunteers, I've always been interested in education (but went with a higher paying career), and I believe, for right or wrong, that the active parents get the better education for their child. Several people in education have told me that when push comes to shove, the PTA president's child will NOT get the teacher who should have retired a few years ago -- no one wants that parent upset.

The other thing that our family considered is that DH's job is very demanding. He often works very long hours, weekends, etc. His job is client based, and he doesn't have the option to bail out at his discretion. So, the brunt of managing the house and the kids always fell to me. Our life is much better with me at home to actually cook meals and get chores done during the week so that we can enjoy the weekends that he is home.

[Sarah1]

ITA Beth...I think state universities have JUST as much to offer (and in many cases MORE) as private schools, and I completely agree with you about the debt issue. I went to a private school for undergrad and had a couple of friends who graduated with a TON of debt. I remember at the time thinking, OK, this is a great school, but it's not worth graduating THOUSANDS of dollars in the hole!

My only point was, if you HAVE the $$$ to **comfortably** send your kids to a top school like Yale or Princeton, it might be worth it. In my DH's case, his father had the $$$ but just was a jerk. FOr whatever reason he didn't WANT his son to go to Princeton...but in retrospect, who knows, I guess he did the right thing, seeing as things turned out pretty darn good for the ol' DH...:)

[C99]

To go back to an office job, full-time...really, only if I have to because we need to pay the bills. I work v. part-time at home now, but I can't see how I'll have the energy with a second (or more) child.

[C99]

Sarah,

That's my attitude as well. My husband wants to be able to say that we'll pay for any school, anywhere. We're still in negotiations over this.

[MelissaTC]

I plan to work....NEVER. LOL.

I *thought* I wanted to work as an educator or in the political world. Turns out that *I* think I found my calling. I was never quite sure about what I wanted to do though and like so many others that posted, I feel like I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. LOL.

It is extremely important to me to be home with Matthew and any other children we may have. I respect other people's choices and necessities, but *I* couldn't see having a child to give to someone else to raise. As a former substitute teacher at a well respected and highly accredited day care program, I would never put my child in day care. That's just me.

I love caring for Matthew. I want to be Class Mom, help run the PTA, volunteer, chaperone class trips, etc.. I don't see that happening if I work.

We have always budgeted and relied on DH's salary, even when we first married and we were both working. So our house is not as large as others we know. But we know we can afford it without additional income. It would be nice to have better cars but we can pay our car loans.

DH has a great career at IBM. He has a Master's from an Ivy League as well and has a bright future ahead in regards to work. *I* have a MA in "Mommy" and I am pretty damn proud. :)

[egoldber]

I totally didn't mean to be anti-Ivy League ! If I could COMFORTABLY send a child to Princeton or wherever without putting our family in debt or other financial hardship, I would do it in a second! My only point was that we don't feel the need to plan our financial arrangements around being able to do so. :) But if we win the lotto, Harvard here she comes, LOL! :)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Oh guys...I know ZERO about that episode, example etc...so I didn't mean to really compare to them, I didn't see nor had heard about it, I was jsut remembering when I read the thread how I freaked when I needed to call 911...and could have in that event from the house, I just wasn't thinking...
but I'm not defending that situation at all...for some reason I felt I should clarify that :)...
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[starrynight]

That describes us except dh is army and I'm minus the degree LOL. I don't really know what I want, I have ideas and I wouldn't mind the money but the kids need me more.

I'm contemplating homeschooling so it's less disruptive to the kids with constant moves. Not to mention, I could do without the bad attitude Alex picked up from school. So I am not sure I will even work part time when they are all "school age".

eta, this was supposed to go under bluej's post but didn't. Figured it would make more sense if I mentioned that!

[pritchettzoo]

I thought I would look for a part-time job as an attorney at the first of the year. I mean, I took the Bar exam 34 weeks pregnant and for what reason? I also have a thesis to finish (read: WRITE) for my master's, but I don't know when that's going to happen either. I don't have a career to go back to--I haven't even started one yet, and I'm really beginning to think that law school and grad school were gigantic wastes of money. Especially as I fill out this deferrment form for student loans...

Some days I am content to stare at Gracie all day. Which is pretty much the extent of my days as she refuses to sleep anywhere except in my arms and today wouldn't be put down for more than 5 minutes. Some days I think how fortunate I am to be able to do this and wonder how I could let someone else hold her (or not) all day. And I look forward to her crawling and tottering around and learning to read...

And some days I want to grab on to DH's leg as he's leaving in the morning and sob, "TAKE ME WITH YOU!" because I just can't take another day of staring at Gracie all day long. And when I'm begging for the details of what he did that day and suggesting and debating tactics for his cases, I think to myself, "Yeah. Today I got spit up on twice and pooped on once. What a difference I am making in my child's life." And I feel so incredibly guilty...

Does anyone else feel this way? I'm starting to wonder if the rubber-truck people are going to come for me. Can PPD hit 4 mos later?

Anyway, the plan before DD came was to go back part-time and eventually open up a firm with DH. Now the plan is for DH to stay where he is (a firm 6 miles from our home) and become partner. If that happens, we can pay for school for Gracie and any potential siblings without worries. We hope to be able to pay for undergrad and let any graduate schooling be on their tabs. Unless of course we hit the lotto like Beth and then we'll pay for Harvard Med for the whole neighborhood! DH and I both had scholarships (tuition & books) to undergrad, grad, and law school (all state school) and paid the rest of the way by working. My parents helped out as much as they could for undergrad and DH's lied about taking loans in their name which turned out to be in his name and went to re-doing their kitchen, but that's another story.

Yikes. I am depressing myself more and more. It's time for bed. Please don't take this the wrong way--I am not knocking motherhood as a career. It's harder than anything I could ever imagine and she's not even crawling yet. No matter what I accomplish the rest of my life, Gracie will be the most important thing I ever have a hand in. I sometimes simply feel that her life has swallowed mine.

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[cchavez]

Anna,

Don't feel bad! Being a Mommy is hard! I think I cried at least once a week until Diego was about 5 months. There are some days that are sooo hard but it will get better.

Anyway, DH and I discussed this last nite and he said if his career continues to go well then there is a strong possibility that I wouldn't have to go back to work at all. And if that doesn't work out then I would probably only have to go back to work part time. And that is the thing....I really loved being an SLP and I have to take continuing ed courses to keep up my licensure so I am continuing to kind of keep up w/ the field. So I think I do want to go back but maybe only 10-15 hours a week. But of course that is easier said than done b/c I don't have to make this decision for about another 4 years at the very least! But at least DH is listening to me and what I want for the kids. But he is very adamant that he wants to be able to send them to any school that they want to go to, so I have to listen to his wants too.

[bluej]

Gracie is so young yet that she's not providing much stimulation for you. Just wait, soon she'll be keeping you on your toes (I mean that in a good way) and you'll be able to see your influence on her. But if that feeling of "I gotta get out of here!" doesn't go away (it very well may not) that's not a bad thing. My older sister would never have been content staying home. She has WAY too much energy and would have driven her kids nuts at very early ages! I honestly think some women NEED to work, not b/c of finances, but b/c of a physical, emotional need. That's not bad, it's just part of them! A happy mom is a good mom and if getting out and working PT or FT makes you happy, then it's the right thing to do.

[Calmegja2]

Can I just say how happy I am to read everyone's responses on this?

It really, really makes me glad to know that we've made a community where we can talk about our choices, and what feels right to us, with no one feeling threatened or defensive about what someone else has chosen.

I see no one on here reading someone else's choice as a reflection of the validity of their own choice, and that makes me so happy.

I belong to another community where a thread like this would have turned, um, tense, long ago, but this has been a wonderful window into other people's lives. I think many of us will find food for thought here.

Thank you all.

[liya]

Getting into this late but here i go.....I agree with Sarah and Beth about both of their posts. While i was with Ari at home it was my "career" and no one can ever tell me that being a SAHM is not hard work because i have experienced it first hand and it is. I am thankfull i took the desicion to be a SAHM because it allowed me to see so many things..To be the first to hear him say mama, to see him crawl, to see him try new things, to see his first smile and i do feel lucky because of that. Right now i feel really sad that my son is at day care.. Well basically because im not used to being without him but i needed to work, I couldnt stay home. Our economic situation is not the best and to get ahead it was soemthing i had to do. This year i have also decided to go back to school, although studying something i never thought i would study i have decided to get my MBA in Marketing and leave my JD for later. It was a very hard desicion for me to take since all my life i figured i would go to law school and graduate and then go on with my life. But sitting and thinking about it, my son was the most importatn thing and i needed something that would allow me some freedom to work with my schedule so i could only study 2 days graduate in 18 months taking 2-3 classes per trimester and also let me be with my son 6 nights and afternoons a week. I dont feel like im a part time mom because of it(Aimee i completely understand the figure of speach though) but i do feel that im doing the best for my family at this moment.
In my plans are: beggining to conceive #2 when Ari is 3yrs old and/or when i graduate(when i graduate being the first..LOL)...
If i ever get a chance to be a SAHM again i would do it in a heartbeat but i dont think i could be a SAHM forever IFYWIM. I am the type of person that needs to work, that needs that outside influence.
About how we plan to save for college etc. I agree 100% with you Beth. We will offer our kids the right to study in any public school if they want to study in a private school they will have to pay for the difference with either a scholarship or loans....BTW same goes for the car...LOL I will give them some of the money but they have to get a job and pay for the monthly payments or half of the car....LOL I am a very mean mommmy...:)

[stillplayswithbarbies]

After being on vacation for two weeks over Christmas, I got on the train to go to work, and I got this sense of peace, of acceptance, and the thought crossed my mind "this is me, this is what I am". It just felt right.

I have always had a job since I was 16 years old. When Jake was born, I went back to work at 6 weeks, and my (previous) husband stayed home with him for 6 months because he was laid off. When Logan was born, I had already negotiated working from home until she was 4 months old and then going into the office part time after that. (mostly to make breastfeeding easier)

I have a career. It's me, it's what I am. Yes, I am a mother too, and I love every second of it. But I also love my job. (I don't love my hour commute each way, but I'll just have to deal with it)

I respect everyone's choices, and I was very moved by what Sarah wrote. But know that not everyone would be happy and fulfilled being at home with a baby every day all day, I would not. Honestly, she is better off spending time with someone who can sing Itsy Bitsy Spider 396 times a day and still sing it with feeling. :) I love her dearly and she is the light of my life, but I would go bonkers staying home with her all day every day.

We have a wonderful babysitter for Logan who treats her like part of her family. My husband works close to home and can be there in minutes if needed. He is about to be laid off, and go back to school, so I will be the main breadwinner for the near future. I'm comfortable with that. It feels right to me. It was always my plan for my life.

...Karen
Jacob Nathaniel Feb 91
Logan Elizabeth Mar 03

[jubilee]

I hope to not go back to work, but my DH would like me to go back when our youngest goes to school- or if we need to financially. I also have a 12 year old, and can tell you that older kids really do need you. I worked from the time Jacob was 6 until he was 11 (then I had Logan). It can be okay, but I never felt great putting Jacob into after-school daycare. He needed me to help with homework, to hug him after a hard day, to pay attention to him. I felt that I was only able to give him a portion of what he needed, because I would get off work at 5:30, and by the time I got home, made dinner and ate, it was 7-7:30. When I found out I was pregnant, Jacob was thrilled because he knew I would quit my job. He really enjoys having me home from work. He likes coming home to a house that isn't empty. I understand not everyone has the ability to stay home, but I can tell you that your older kids WILL appreciate it.

[KGoes]

Fellow UK alum here - go Cats!!!!!
FWIW, I chose UK so I would not have to go into debt (the basketball games were also an incentive) and ended up working at the same job with folks with much fancier degrees and mountains of debt. There are definitely two sides to the debate, but never underestimate a state school or its alums.

Kelley
DD born 7/03

[cilantromapuche]

there is a great article in a recent WSJ (yesterday i think) about kids footing their own college bill.
i love being a librarian and miss work. but on these cold days i stay in bed and thank my lucky stars. but it has been so much harder than i thought as well. i occasionally offer DH the opportunity to take a year off (although my income could never replace his) while i work.
i vacilate about wether to go back after the kids go to kindergarten or once they are gone to college.
chris

[ethansmom]

Sigh....I'm in the process of getting my MBA from UofM and wondering what I'm doing! I don't want to work full time, so why am I spending all of this money?!? Well, taking out these huge student loans....

[ethansmom]

I just wanted to say hang in there! I SO know how it feels when they will only sleep in your arms. It gets SO much better! Not only does DS now sleep in his crib, I've learned to slow down so I don't mind "not doing anything" all day. Maybe it's the weather...;-)

You're doing a great job!

[ddmarsh]

I want to add that I think there are often misconceptions about SAHM's. I think often people think that only those who feel like they were "born" to stay at home do and/or can. I've never felt this way and I know others who haven't either. What I do have is a passion for my children and for doing what's best for them and I have devoted myself to them in this way. Sure I know there are things out there that I would love to do and sometimes I long for the chance to get out and do so but I repeatedly make the choice not to. I doubt that many women who are at home are in the category of that above and I feel like it's important to point out that for some of us it wasn't so obvious or simple of a choice.

[starrynight]

Anna, don't feel bad! Motherhood is the hardest job of all, especially since paychecks and sick days aren't part of the benefits. But the love and hugs and all the other good (and bad!) make up for it (most of the time LOL). ;)

There will come a time when Gracie will sleep longer and she will start to crawl etc and that is when the fun begins! :)

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Gosh this changes daily for me...
We bought our home thinking we would always have two incomes...and I always thought I wanted to be home with the children when they were older so I would pay my dues when they were young. I am lucky that I can stay home, but we dropped our family income by 1/2 when I stopped working. I had a great job, worked from home, and took clients to lunch at the best places in Raleigh...life was good!!!!

The only thing that would return me to the work place is a part time job at Steve's new company. It is almost impossible to get in there BUT they hire married spouses easily from what I here. They like to have married couples there. So I actually have thought maybe two days a week sometime in about a year or so...
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[egoldber]

Debbie, my choice to be a SAHM is very similar to what you describe. Frankly, I NEVER thought of myself as the SAHM "type" (I now know there is NO such thing!). But I did a lot of research (like I always do about anything) and I made an intellectual decision to be at home. But I was not sure I was making the "right" choice. Now looking back on it, I know that I have made the best decision for me and my family, or at least that's how I feel today. :)

But it is certainly not an easy life and I do REALLY miss the intellectual stimulation from work. I miss being in meetings (can you imagine?), discussing stragegy and making decisions. And oh, that feeling of being a high performer and being rewarded and admired for it. There is certainly nothing like that in the life of a SAHM.

It definitely gets better when they get out of the infant stage and become little people. Infants are adorable, but I much prefer the older stages!

[MartiesMom2B]

Anna:

It does get better, just like everyone else says. There were times when I yelled at DH for being able to go to work and getting a break from our daughter (what a horrible mommy is that).

Sonia
Proud Mommy to Martie 4/6/03

[ddmarsh]

I'm so there with you Beth. I so crave intellectual stimulation that I even meet with a group of friends on a regular basis who are all male, mostly in their 50's and totally opposed to me politically just to have the opportunity to engage in intellectual conversation. I also feed myself with NPR and voracious reading. Still some days it can be a bit of a challenge.

[cvharris]

We also bought our home with two equal incomes...and lots of stock options that we though would make us millionaires and pay for the house. :)

Now that we are a one income family it is tough financially. We have eaten away a good part of our savings. Even though I get the winter cabin fever blues being a SAHM sometimes, I can't imagine not being with DS at this time. I used to work in technology and it would be hard for me to return to work after a long time off. If I did eventually get a job it would be something completely different. In any case, it's way off the radar now.

[JLiebCamm]

I have been struggling with this decision since the day I found out I was pregnant and still haven't figured it out for myself! I came from a family where both parents worked and never felt slighted, so I never questioned that I would be a working mother as well. We bought our house and cars with our double income in mind, not even considering that we may not always have both incomes. But now that my DS is here, I think all the time about how I could swing part-time instead of full time because I want to be with him! He has an excellent babysitter and both Grandmas live reasonably close, so he never has a shortage of love around. I think my biggest concern is that in 18 short years I'll be mad at myself for not spending more time with him.
That being said, I don't feel that being a SAHM is an alternative without making radical changes to our lives. MY DH is a teacher in a low paying district and my salary is double his. To live off his salary we would have to really downgrade everything, from our house and our neighborhood to the types of hobbies and travel that we like to pursue as a family. I've seen arguments in the past where some people feel that being home with the kids is more important than having the material goods. And while I agree with this to some extent, I also want to be able to provide well for my family. It really is a constant push and pull.
So I guess the bottom line for me is that each person needs to do what works best for them, which is highly dependent on other sources of income, family and friend support, demographics, and upbringing in general. I read through all the posts before making this one and am glad to see that most people are very non-judgemental and only comment on what works best for them.

Jessica
Mom to Nathan 12-20-02

[cilantromapuche]

I can relate b/c DH is a teacher. We basically had a game plan since we married and paid off house and other expenses so that it was possible. It has worked and we basically spend our oney on the things we like (travel, etc.) and nothing else. That said and done I miss my job and the 2nd income. I miss the independence of earning my humble crust. Since having Abe I judge no one because I can see both sides. I always say I like options!

[egoldber]

Debbie, I'm beginning to feel we're lonf lost sisters! LOL! :) I NEED my NPR fix too!!!

[parkersmama]

*Love* your answer! :)

[parkersmama]

Jan, my parents (and lots of other family members) are both pharmacists. My dad is a pharmacologist and teaches pharmacy school. My mother worked FT when I was very young and then quit to raise us. When we were both in lower elementary school she went back to work PT. She was always there when we got home from school and did lots of things with us at the school. It was great! As a matter of fact, she is still working just PT and it's been terrific for the grandkids since she's often available to come over and help out like when Parker had his tonsils out in December. Anyway, all this to say that working PT as a pharmacist is very doable and you could still have ample opportunity to be with the children. :) HTH!

[jd11365]

My answer changes every month... At first, we saved for me to take the first 15 months off...which I thought was a lot of time. When Kayla came, I realized it wasn't enough time and looked into alternatives. I fell into something I can do 10 hours a week from home when Kayla naps which gives me another year at home. I am also going to teach at our local college 2x per week next school year (August) for 3 hrs each day...only 6 hours out of the week and it will feed my need for intellectual stimulation and add to the bank account at the same time.

As for now, I plan to TTC and go back full time August 2005 for 1 school year (9 months) to save that money to stay home with #2 and Kayla until Kayla goes to Kindergarten. Kayla will be 3 and might enjoy some part-time at nursery school at this point...DH can stay with her in the mornings if we finagle (sp?) it right, so she would only need to go to nursery school for a few hrs a day. I would like to be at school with Kayla when she goes to Kindergarten (I'm a teacher). I can always join her during my block periods and we can drive to and home from school together! That's the current plan, but things change so quickly! If DH gets the position in his company he is looking for (where someone dies or retires for him to get...) I won't have to put the 9 full time months in to save for #2...I can just stay home!

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[parkersmama]

I guess that I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. Working PT at the most. I don't always think that I'm cut out to be at home all the time but when I am, I do enjoy it. I basically went to graduate school as a "safety net" in case I didn't meet the right guy and have kids. That way, I'd have a career that I enjoyed that paid well in the meantime. :) I met dh right at the end of my graduate school so it pretty much ended there! I have worked progressively less over the years. I was FT when Parker was a baby and went PT when he was 6mos old. Since then, I've cut back to only working about 10 hours a week. I still actually do everything I used to do at my office, I've just streamlined it down!! LOL!

Dh was asking me the other day if I ever planned to go back FT (he is so great...not pushing, just asking) and I said "Not if I can help it!". In other words, only if finances become such that I have to work to afford to live. I was born to be a mommy and it's where my heart is. Like others have said, I'm finding it more and more important to be home now that Parker has started school. I don't get to volunteer too much at the school :( because of having the other two at home with me and also the hours that I do go to work. I'm hoping that when Amy Grace starts preschool (the fall after she turns 2), I'll be able to be there at the school more.

As for the discussions about kids and paying for college, we are saving a miniscule amount of money toward their educations right now. Hopefully more as they get older. I went to undergrad on my parent's dime and paid (with the help of my company) for my own grad school. I have to honestly say that when the money was coming out of my own pocket, I felt a lot more motivated to work hard and do well. So, I think there are benefits to not paying for the entire college thing for your kids. :)

[ddmarsh]

Yes but Beth you have the full-scale version I am assume where you live - I only get bits and pieces! Last year my beloved This American Life was pulled from our station for lack of following and expense which completely baffled me. I also do not get Diane Rehm which I would just adore having. I am looking at Sirius right now and they have 3 NPR/PRI channels which seem to carry quite a bit.

It's funny b/c growing up all my parents had on in the car was NPR and I used to get to bored listening to it and just could not understand why they wanted to listen to it, LOL!

[jenmcadams]

I think it can totally make sense...especially if you're trying to break into a new field or you need an MBA to advance in your current field. As much as I complain as I make my student loan payments each month, I'm honestly happy I spent the money on the degree. My network is great and has not only helped me since I stopped full-time, but also my DH is his various entrepreneurial ventures and the MBA allowed me to leave a field I wasn't totally jazzed about (consulting) and do something entrepreneurial and more interesting (tech marketing). I also hope that if I ever want (or have) to reenter the workforce on a full-time basis, saying I have a degree from the school I attended will serve as a entry ticket...

Good luck with school...

Jen

[doubleL]

I know this topic was so last Thursday, but I just wanted to say how much I have enjoyed reading everyone's responses!!! I feel like I could write a book on the subject, but you guys say everything so much more eloquently and succinctly.

I'm replying specifically to this thread because I feel that it is also the category where I fit in.

I love Anna's imagery of holding on to DH's pantleg and wailing as well as being able to talk shop with him. You should hear DH and me discuss The Apprentice with such seriousness and I haven't worked in years!!!

I also really appreciate the reminder from Debbie about recommitting yourself to something you believe in even though it is tough. I think this is as true for working moms as those who stay home.

In addition, I'm just a huge NPR fan... and the DR show and This American Life (my favorites) keep my sanity these days.

Yes I love my kids, of course. And yes many days at home are fun and rewarding. But I am looking forward to when they go to school so that I just might really write that book.

Lou
~David 5.19.01
~Elisabeth 6.05.03

[kapow]

I too have enjoyed reading all of the responses. My mom was a SAHM and I always figured that I would be too because "that's how it's done." I worked in the tech industry for ten years, first as a computer programmer and finally as a project manager. I'm done with it though - I won't go back to work in the field, primarily because I don't want to, but also because it's such a challenge to stay current.

My DH's mother is an inspiration to me. She stayed at home and raised her kids, but was also very active in her children's lives - PTA president, swim team mom, etc. She was also active in their church. After DH's younger sister was in college, Mom started going to seminary to get a degree that would allow her to be an official in the church (don't know the exact degree.) However during her first year she felt called to ministry and ended up completing a four-year divinity degree. She's now a Lutheran pastor in Ohio - I call her the ultimate den mom. I hold her up as an example of how I would like to see myself in twenty years - not as a pastor :) but as a person having a vibrant life at an age where so many others end up in this frumpy semi-retired twilight.

Being a SAHM is so challenging though - I never anticipated what it would be like to have someone so completely dependent on me. DH works out of town during the week so it's just me and DS. I can't wait until he's older - I have visions of playing in the park, going to the library for storytime, pillow fights and tickle games. At this age it's all give, give, give - some nights I feel like I have a mental flat tire! :)