"In lieu of flowers"...what do you do?

[deborah_r]

My friend's father died earlier this month. They are having a memorial service tomorrow, which I cannot attend as it is 3000 miles away. I have known her and her family for 22 years, although I have not seen much of them over the last 10 years, as I have not lived near them.

I have sent a card, and the obituary says "in lieu of flowers donations can be made to..." If that is the case, is that what you do, or do you still send flowers if you want to? What is the most appropriate thing to do? If one wanted to send flowers where do you send them?

I'm not good at this as (thankfully) I have not had much experience with funerals.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I'm not good at this either...so don't take my word over anyone elses on this front...

BUT if it say "In lieu of flowers"...I would assume they think just like I do and would hate for someone to spend money on flowers when there is so much that their money could be spent on. So if they said "donations to ______" AND IF YOU HAVE THE MONEY AND SEEK TO DO SOMETHING FINANCIALLY then I would do what they requested.

I would cry my eyes out from above if I was buried with thousands of dollars worth of flowers sitting on top of my urn personally...there is so much that money can do...I would be a lot happier knowing that things are done on this earth with that money while I watch from above.

When we lost this last baby a few gals here donated a nice amount to "my" local SPCA and NOTHING could have touched me more or meant more to me than that...NOTHING!!!!
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[amp]

Deborah, In my experience, if the family asks that a donation be made in lieu of flowers, then I think that's exactly what they prefer for you to do. I would not send flowers in such a case, but would instead go ahead and make a donation in the amount you would have spent on flowers to the cause/charity they picked. Obviously they preferred that the money go to something other than flowers and I would honor that. If you wish, you can write on your donation that it is in memory of that person. They may even alert the family of the people that donated. Also, if you just want your friend to know that you are thinking of her/him and family, you could always call her after a few days have passed to check on her and let her know, personally, how sorry you are.

[parkersmama]

Most of the funerals that I've been to that have said "in lieu of flowers" there were still lots of flowers there. So rest assured that there will be plenty of flowers & plants and give your donation to the charity stated. The charity will send a card to the family (if you want it sent to the friend, rather than her mother, state that up front) so that the family will know that you thought of them.

[peanut4us]

JMHO--last year when my stepfather was killed in an accident, we specifically said to those who asked and included in the obit to not send flowers, but they could make a donation to the Alzheimer's Association if they wanted to.

Most folks chose to send flowers or do both. The result of which was that after the funeral, I not only had to worry about getting my mom through all of that, but i also had to worry about getting those damn flowers home. I had to hunt down 3 guys with pickups to get them home. Mom wasn't in any state to pick which ones to keep at the funeral hall.

Then the damn dining/living room looked like a freaking flower shop. And I had to water them and pick the blooms and vacuum that area millions of times (my mom's a neat freak, and by golly I was going to deliver for her then!). I ended up making millions of bouquets out of them and gave them to people who visited her in the days after or who were somehow helpful.

Then as the rest started to die... my mom took that as a reminder of death all around her.

Don't buy the flowers... send a donation.. If you really want to send her flowers, wait and send them as a "I hope these brighten your day" bunch sometime in a few months. JMHO... sorry I seem to have such a strong one on this.

[cara1]

many charities will sent something to the person whom you are "remembering", so the family will still know you did something. That way you won't feel like you're just donating and they wouldn't know you did. Or you could write your own note, "A donation has been made in so-and-so's honor...".

[egoldber]

Also, in some cultures, it is not a tradition to send flowers to a funeral. Among Jews for instance, it typical to make a donation to a charity or philanthropic organization that was meaningful to the deceased.

HTH,

[muskiesusan]

"Then as the rest started to die... my mom took that as a reminder of death all around her."

In total agreement. My father past away a few years ago and it had totally changed my approach to funerals. I came to hate every flower sent to the house, and planters even more since I felt guilty just throwing them out. We ended up loading up the car and taking them to the hospital to be distributed to the patients.

I also now am deligent about sending a card right away. For weeks after my dad died, I kept getting cards, and I know the people meant well, but it was hard to have a daily reminder of what had happened two-four weeks out.

I would send a donation, it is a very thoughtful thing to do on many levels.

Susan
Mom to Nicholas 10/01/01
& Baby #2 due 4/23/04!!!!

[Momof3Labs]

I'm like Neve - it would just sicken me to be buried with thousands of dollars of flowers when there are children who need winter coats, families who are fighting awful diseases, hungry dogs and cats waiting for a new home...

Please follow the family's request and send the donation, if you want to send something. Most organizations will send the family a card so that they know you made a donation, and they will NOT tell the family the amount that you donated, so you can send as much or as little as you can without feeling funny.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I use to work in a hospital and we got all of the old funeral flowers...we hated putting them up in the ICU becasue they "reeked via site)" funeral, funerals have their own "arrangement" so it felt weird putting out "funeral flowers" to those hanging on for dear life...

This thread has opened my eyes that atleast I am not alone in my opinion of flowers for bereavement...


Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[muskiesusan]

We had actually rearranged the flowers before we gave them to the hospital to make them less funeral like. My mom felt bad giving them away so we did this first at the house to see if we liked having them around better, but we didn't, but I think we did a pretty good job arranging them, gave us something to do anyway!

Susan
Mom to Nicholas 10/01/01
& Baby #2 due 4/23/04!!!!

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

yeah those arrangments can be pretty scary to someone if not "rearranged" :)...it's sad because you know they aren't cheap in price...
Neve
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[cara1]

Or to buy a tree in Israel in their name.

[deborah_r]

Thanks everyone...I sent the donation out today, and I called my friend to let her know I was thinking of her.

[new_mommy25]

I've never experienced that but I did just attend a funeral last month. There were a ton of flowers flooding the house. My aunt was actually giving away flowers to people who stopped by just to get them out of the house. While beautiful and thoughtful they are a bit of a PITA for the family to take care of KWIM? I would probably just make the donation to the charity liek requested. My family is Catholic and I also pay to have some masses said for the soul of the deceased. The church gives you a little card that I gave to my aunt and I could tell she was really touched. Not assuming your religious or anything, just throwing out my experiences.