What should I do?

[cdlamis]

I need advice. Usually I have a pretty good intuition about what to do even if it means going against what the "experts" say. But I am lost on this one.

Julia has always been an easy going baby in regards to not having separation anxiety and not always preferring me over DH. But lately she has had bad separation anxitey. For example, I used to leave her at the gym daycare and she would love it and cry when I picked her up! Well, for the past week she won't let me leave her there and cries until I come back which is after 10 minutes. I think she is going thru a phase but I am not sure how to handle it.

Tonight I had plans to go to the movies with my MOMS group and was going to leave Julia with DH as I always do. Well, I am not sure if I should go now. By not going, am I destined to not ever be able to leave her? Or will this phase pass and should I stay home with her?

FWIW- I do not follow the philosophy of " baby training" etc. I don't feel I should force Julia to get used to me being away from her. But now that she is older, is it different? Any suggestions? Thanks!

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
http://www.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=67b0de21b35d0802848f *December pictures

[MelissaTC]

Poor Julia :(

This situation reminds me of my friend & her daughter. Her daughter is just a smidge older than Julia. She has NEVER had a problem with separation aniexty until recently. And it comes in the form of sleep. She does not want to sleep in her crib. She wants to sleep in her Mom's room. On the floor. Next to the dogs...lol.

I think she knows that Mom will not allow her to do so and so they sleep together in the guest bedroom. She holds tightly on to her Mom and she sleeps away.

It seems like it is just separation aniexty and is probably a phase. Having said that, *I* think you need to make sure that you take *your* Mommy time. It is important that she understands that as well. My son went through a similar phase not that long ago so I know how hard it is. I too do not believe in baby training, etc.. I am not a fan of letting him CIO, training him to sleep, etc.. We went with the flow, following his lead and things have been great.

It is hard to leave them but they need to learn that sometimes Mommy can not be with them. I tell DS that I love him and that I will be home soon. I tell him that Daddy is going to care for him and give him a bath, etc.. DH and DS usually go off to do an activity, take a bath, etc.. and Mommy quietly leaves. No big production, not enough time for the guilt trip to begin, etc.. It seems to work for us.

Anyway, this is just my opinion and I hope that it helps you, even if it is just a wee bit...

[toomanystrollers]

Daniella,
It is definitely a phase. My oldest went through it around 20 months - I had to quit the gym b/c she couldn't bear to stay in the babysitting room. Now I drop her off at preschool and she could care less!

I would go out w/your MOMS group - daddy will be fine and Julia too :)

[parkersmama]

I agree with Pam & Melissa. Children often go through phases like this. This might not even be the last one. Hopefully, seeing that you return just like you promised will reassure her and give her more and more confidence each time. I know it's hard to leave if she's crying but she will be okay after you leave. From what I've found, the tears are for me and once I'm gone, they go away. I know that not all children respond well to doing it this way...I've known some that will scream until the mom returns, but most will get over it quickly and be fine. This is also one of the first lessons for her as far as having to get her way. As she gets older, this will escalate to asking for candy or toys at the store, etc, and to give in to a fit results in more fits since they learn that it pays off!

When my kids have suffered from separation anxiety as toddlers, I usually reassured them that I'd be back, hug & kiss, and then try to get them interested in something new and fun to do. Then, I try not to be gone *too* long and when I get back, spend some special time reuniting. Just cuddling and talking but they are the center of my attention. I think this gives positive reinforcement that they did great without me (a little independence!) and that I *will* return and love them just like always.

I hope you decided to go out but if not, there's always a next time! HTH!

[egoldber]

I know I'm too late on this, but I just wanted to add that I agree with the others. Getting that mommy time is really valuable. And most kids (and Sarah went through a similar phase when DD was the same age) are fine within a few minutes out the door. After all, its not like being at the gym, where she's with strangers, she'll be with her loving daddy! :)

HTH,

[22tango]

I ABSOLUTELY agree with everyone else!! You should take *your* time and enjoy it!! :)

Although she may be upset, it will help her to know that you may leave but even more importantly, you also COME BACK!! That's a good lesson that should help her learn to trust that she can be separated from you. You will ALWAYS come back!!

[newbelly2002]

I know this is an old thread but we're going through the same thing right now. My easy going, independant child appears to be on vacation. I only hope not permanently.

For us, the problem is not only babysitters but also preschool. We went from throwing me out one day to not letting me leave the next. DH and I both work, so it's not really an option.

If you have any suggestions on the most reassuring method to leave, return, and help this phase pass,it would be much appreciated. What did you end up doing? And most importantly, how long did it last?

TIA!
Paula
Mama to Dante, 8/02