Super OT - would you go to the same pediatrician that the ex wife goes to?

[Grace_underfire]

THis is very over the top. Thought I would get some fresh perspective. I don't know if there are any step moms in here (probably) but anyway anybody could have an opinion on this.

I have a step daughter who lives with her mom in a town near to us. She is older 11 and she goes to a pediatrician that we like. We have taken her a couple of times (mostly her mom takes her since she lives with her most of the time) and we like the office and the doctor. This is the pediatrician that her mom choose. She also takes her 3 yr old son with her new husband there.

Now we are looking for a new pediatrician for our son because we don't like our current one. We like my step D. pediatrician but don't know if we shoudl take our son there as well? We get along with the ex wife and the husband ok but due to the nature of the relationship it is still akward and we don't have much trust. I guess the worse thing that could happen would be that one day we see each other there. I don't know what to do.

What would you do? Keep looking or take my son there as well. The doctor is not taking new patients but woudl take us in because of our step daughter going there already.

[Rachels]

I'm a stepmother, so I can imagine this. I think if you have a decent relationship and you like the doc well, there's no reason not to. It depends on what you think it would be like for you to run into one another. It will probably almost never happen, but if it would be torturous, you should spare yourself and your kids that discomfort. If it would be a little awkward but basically fine, I'd say do it.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[Grace_underfire]

I would describe the relationship as decent. We pretty much stay out of eachothers lives other than regarding my SD of course. It is civilized. I would be uncomfortable running into her but it would not be the end of the world. I don't really want my son to have much contact with her at all -but I think the chances of running into each other are pretty minor.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Since you asked...
I'd absolutely take my child there if the DR is that great...and if it would be hard to be in the same waiting room with the ex it is a great time to "mend" that so that it is not...

You can only hope that you all will be sitting next to eachother for a graduation, engagement party, wedding, births of grandbabies in the future...I say now is as good a time as ever to over come that "close proximity" FOR THE CHILDREN :)

My parents are together and have not ever even separated so I don't know where I get it from but I do have a huge plan if Steve and I are ever in that boat. We I think have a strong marriage, and I'd like to think it is strong enough to discuss this. BUT I have said to him lets make an agreement that if we ever got divorced that we would stay stong for the children AND OURSELVES...I even threw out the worst scenerios and talk thru an affair etc (though I doubt we would ever be in that boat I think to discuss what if that scenerio happend to actually imagine the demise of out relationship over it for just a minute actually helps us to put ourselves in those shoes).
If I died tomorrow I can only hope that Steve marries the most wonderful of women to take care of my children in the future..and if we were to ever break up, even if it was an affair I would hope that the women (or man if my case) would be a wonderful parent to our children. I'd hope she is ugly though :)....

I know that is profound and long...but we all owe it to our children that if put in that situation that we will overcome what is needed to give them comfort...being able to sit next tot hem in a waiting room is a great way to work on that...

I have an ex co worker going thru this so I think of the scenerios as she and I discuss it...

Be assured I know that it is easy for me to be an "arm chair quarterback" in this case...one never knows how they could truely handle a situation I know...

Good luck whatever you decide, you'll make the right decision for you all that is for certain :)


Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[flagger]

I can only share my experience. I developed adult onset asthma about the same time I broke up with my ex. We had been seeing a great allergist/specialist while treating her son during most of the time we were together. I could think of no other doctor in the city of Houston that I wanted to go to than this doctor.

I never once ran into him or his mother while under his care. If the doctor is great, than by all means take your child to him.

[deborah_r]

I think the possibility of awkwardness pales in comparison to the importance of bringing your son to a doctor you trust. I think you should definitely go to that doctor.

[Tondi G]

I would use the ped for sure!!!! Why not get to know the doctor so if your Step daughter was ever with you and needed to go in you knew them and would be comfortable with the doctor!!!! I say go for it! The chances of you and the ex being there at the same time is slim.... if you like the PED I say sign your son up!!!!! If they are full and not taking any new clients then they are probably good.... all the other people must like the doc!!!!

Good Luck... hope this helps you!

~Tondi and Mason 7/8/01

[Marisa6826]

Sure, why not? It's not likely that you would be in the same office at the same exact time anyway. For whatever its worth, if you are so compelled, you could always ask the staff if your stepchild already has an appointment on the day you need to schedule. You could also take you child while your step is in school.

A good doctor is hard to find. And it's not like the ex has a corner on the market on competent and personable peds.

-m

[caffeinedreams]

I have a stepdaughter and am currently TTC my first and have not thought about a pediatrician as yet, but I would feel fine about going to the same one as my SD. I can't say DH's ex and are friends per se, but we get along fine, and I would have no problem at all with running into her there with my SD or her younger daughter from her 2nd marriage. We are frequently at the same events at the school and so forth, as I'm sure you are, and we visit with each other whenever we are together, so I would be fine with it. I'm sure it is also a relief for my SD that we get along so well, too, so it could not hurt to go to the same doctor (since you like and trust him) and show your SD that you and her mom can feel at ease around each other. Just my opinion.:)

[jojo2324]

I have to agree with what Neve said. My father has been married twice, and the women he married can't stand him. LOL, they actually get along quite well.

But it broke my heart that he didn't attend my graduation, or my wedding, because HE wasn't comfortable with my moms being there. I know I would have been happy to have him there, even if he had to stand a football field away from my mothers.

So, use this as a stepping stone to other events. You are going to have so many more important occasions than a trip to the ped where you'll have to share space with your DH's ex. And the odds of seeing her or her DH there are pretty slim.

Best of luck with your decision.

[sntm]

agree, especially about taking SD there if necessary. plus ex will probably feel good that you value her opinion.
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[COElizabeth]

I agree with Joanne and Neve. Some day your step-daughter may be in the hospital with a baby of her own, and all the grandparents are going to want to visit. You don't want her lying in bed recovering from birth, worrying about whether her step-mom and mom might run into each other in the hallway. Get used to seeing each other now and being polite - it will be one of the absolute best gifts you can give your children. Unless there is real abuse involved or some other extenuating circumstance, I believe very strongly that parents owe it to their kids to maintain a good relationship with the other parents, be able to meet at family events without hostility, etc. My parents are divorced and both remarried, and am so incredibly thankful that they do not speak ill of each other and can be in the same room. Yes, it's a little awkward sometimes, but it's a lot better than having one parent miss your wedding or child's baptism.

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[Grace_underfire]

Just wanted to clarify that we are polite and speak to each other :) It is not like we don't get along at all and avoid each other at all costs. We meet at many school events etc.. and chit chat etc..
On the other hand there are times when it is not that nice or we have disagreements. That is ok too... part of the relationship - we make sure that doesn't happen in front of SD and at least us never have or never will speak badly about her or her DH. She is her mom and we respect that!
To sum things up we try to keep it business- however... no matter how civil we are... It is still akward and will always be and we don't particularly enjoy spending time with them. If I said we did I would be lying! :) That however will never get in the middle of us being there for our daughter. We are all grown ups!

I just wanted to get your thoughts on the pediatrician issue and see how other people would feel about it. I hope I did not offend anybody or send the wrong message.

[caffeinedreams]

As a fellow stepmom, I understand what you mean about your relationship with the ex. I do not particularly enjoy spending time with DH's ex and understand why you would not want to add to that time. As a stepmom, you can feel that way about the ex and at the very same time absolutely love and be doing the very best for your stepchild. I love my SD to pieces and would do anything for her, but her mother and I do not always see eye to eye on things, and I think that is normal for this relationship. I've had to hold my tongue a few times in front of SD when I do not agree with her mom, and sometimes that can be tough, even though I respect that she is SD's loving mother and I'm thankful she produced such a great kid.:)

It is an awkward position to be in for everyone involved but we stepmoms are sometimes made out to be the bad guy when most of us love our stepchildren and want only the best for them. It can be uncomfortable being a stepmom and there are some downsides that I think maybe can only be understood by "one of us" but thankfully these kids make the craziness worth it.:)

[Melanie]

If you like the pediatrician, I would go for it. They must know the parents are divorced and have more children, so it's not like they'd accidentally discuss your child with her husband, KWIM? Plus, you don't have to advertise the fact to her anyway.

[COElizabeth]

Oh I'm sorry for the uncalled-for lecture! It's just a subject that sets me off like few others. I'm sure we all know of horror stories. My step-brother, for example, when he was no more than about 5, reported to his mother that his dad and step-mother had burned her (the boy's mother's) photo in front of him and ordered him not to refer to her as his mommy. That's extreme, but I know of lots of people who agonize over their weddings and other family events because of tension between parents and step-parents, and I think it's so sad. I should clarify, though, for the previous poster that I don't blame step-mothers in general! Some parents and step-parents handle it all very well, and others don't. And I also recognize that some circumstances can make it much more difficult to maintain a civil relationship than in the case where the parents simply grew apart and have no real resentment of each other.

In any case, regarding the ped question, I would say that I would probably think about how much it would upset me to run into the other person. If it would really, really bother me, I would probably look for another ped. If it would be uncomfortable but not something that would bug me for days, I would probably chance it, especially if the ped is really good.

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[gravymommy3]

OMG Elizabeth, that was me!!! My parent's had been divorced about 16 years when Grayson was born. Could not be in the same room together. I am in the hospital and my Dad and Stepmom pop in (and I knew my mother was on her way.) I was a nervous wreck!! It really sucked!