SAHM's: do you feel like you're losing your identity?

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

Not that I feel like I'm not ME anymore, but I feel like I'm more MOM now. KWIM? DH seems to have the time to do all of his fun stuff (video games, an extra-curricular class which takes him away from home one night a week, an extra-curricular club which takes him away from home one night every other week, watch TV), while I feel like I have barely enough time to take a shower and post a few messages on the boards!

Maybe it's because he knows that I can take such good care of DS that he does the other stuff? It's not that I mind, but sometimes after 10 hours of just me and DS I want to dump him in DH's lap so I can have an hour of "me" time.

Maybe this belongs on the bitching post. I seem to be in a little bit of a downer mood. Probably because DS has a sudden aversion to bathing (other thread!)

--Jennifer

[COElizabeth]

Oh, yes! I can definitely empathize! I'm still working on solutions for myself, but one suggestion to try is swimming. I am not a big swimmer, but I have found that swimming is one of the very few things that makes me really shake off my mom role and feel like an independent woman for a while. I think it's because I have to concentrate pretty hard on my strokes and breathing and because water is so, well, immersing!

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[mamahill]

When I first saw your subject, my thought was, "Not really - being a mom has been the identity I have always strived for." HOWEVER, I am a firm believer in "me time." DH knows this, and he also knows that a happy wife makes for a happy him;). So, since Ainsleigh has was born, if he is here in the evening, he gives her her bath and does the bedtime routine. Also, you need to schedule time for yourself. Say it's Thursday night - let DH know that at 7 pm, you're walking out the door. Even if it's just for an hour, get some time away. Have some girlfriends that you can meet up with for dessert. Go to a bookstore. Have some quiet time. Coming home to a quiet house does wonders for the soul. Of course, when we were breastfeeding, this didn't work, but we found ways around it. Bottom line: take time for yourself - that's key!!

[redhookmom]

Yes, yes, yes!!

Reading between the lines of your post it seems like you really need some time away from your Mom and home responsibilities. Swimming sounds good.

[lmariana]

My favorite way to get an hour of "me" time, is to get the exersaucer and place it next to my hubby while he's playing video games, drop the baby in and run!

No seriously, I think you need to find a way to get yourself a little bit of personal time, or you may run the risk of building resentment towards your hubby, which is bad. Being a mom is an awesome thing, but putting your marriage and yourself as a priority will benefit everyone in the end! I'm speaking from experience...

Hubby and I have had several discussions about the "division of labor" since Gabriel joined the family. Men need clear, precise direction on how to help, which sometimes is diificult for us to give. It's not that they don't want to help, they just don't know how. And we, being "Super Moms", are intimidating to them.

It comes down to the fact that our hubbies adore us and will be there when we need them, as long as we tell them: who, what, when, where, how, and why. :) And the answer to "why" is always, "becuase if you don't, I will freak out."

Mariana
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[kfcboston]

Funny - we were all laughing at playgroup last week when we realized we ALL "dump him in DH's lap" in the evenings, and weren't sure if other moms did the same!!

[redhookmom]

Interesting article along the lines of a Mom's identity:



Excerpt from Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life: Or How I Learned to Love the House, the Man, the Child by Faulkner Fox

When I became a mother, part of me thought I had to undergo a radical personality overhaul. I had been ambitious, prone to curse, ironic, and rebellious-- often in a rather adolescent form. None of this struck me as mom material.

Moms, I thought, were people who were simultaneously perky and selfless. Sure I'll head up the PTA book sale! I'd love to. They were enthusiastic about service-- anything to help their children. They were efficient and resourceful.

I had some organizational skills, but I didn't always like using them. I have pretty simple desires: I like to read, write, talk intensely, and walk around. One and two, I do alone; three and four I like to do with others. I do care deeply about the larger world, and this concern had led me prior to motherhood to develop and use my organizational skills, but I wasn't sure how the PTA would stack up against my desire to combat the death penalty, domestic violence, racism in the penal system, and U.S. aggression overseas. When pressed for time, how would I manage the mom-stuff? Could I be a respectable, responsible mother without doing any of it?

I was afraid that moms were grown-up cheerleaders, people who stood on the sidelines of life and applauded as their sons (and nowadays daughters) performed athletic feats. They drove a lot, did laundry, stuffed countless sandwiches into baggies, and listened attentively as their husbands discussed problems at work. They made big meat loaves and invited all the neighborhood kids to partake. They had other moms over for coffee and served fresh coffeecake. Where would I even get the recipe? My mother had made a coffeecake once in the 70s, but I believed it had come from a box. I didn't think contemporary mothers used box mixes. They cooked from scratch or else just got everything as take-out.

Much of this image, I knew, was a bit outdated-- certainly the meat loaf and coffeecake were. Unfortunately many of the maternal expectations I saw as more modern struck me as equally frightening and possibly more arduous. While no one I knew thought women should smile while "running the new electric waxer over the spotless kitchen floor" as Betty Friedan so aptly described a key expectation for middle-class mothers of the 1950s and early 60s (The Feminine Mystique, p. 18), now you simply had to raise a perfect child.

[lukkykatt]

Yes, I do think it is important to strike a balance for yourself. DH gives me every Thurs. night "off", which is just a block of time I can count on to do anything I want to do. Also, I am lucky in that he is supportive of me wanting to work out, so he always takes the kids when I want/need to do that. And he does let me sleep in (ok, our definition of "sleeping in" is til 8!) on the weekends.

But I do know how you are feeling. DH is a workaholic and we have no family in the immediate area. The division of labor of the house and the children is never going to be even for us, but I know that DH works very hard, which is what allows me to be home with the children. So these are some things that have worked for us. You should start thinking of things that you might want to do and work up a plan so that you can do some things for you too. Everyone will be much happier in the long-run!

[nitaghei]

I don't think this is necessarily a SAHM issue. I work full time outside the home, and I really feel like I'm not ME anymore - just this robot that alternates between work and mom roles, and is on duty 24/7.

I haven't had ANY "me" time since DS was born and I'm getting more and more upset about it. In my case, "me" time means training my dogs, including going to class at my dog obedience club - and I haven't done that since November, 2002. And yes, DH still gets to watch TV, and do his fun stuff. :(

Nita
mom to Neel 01/05/03
dog mom to a cocker and a PWD

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

Thanks everyone, for sharing! I've been thinking about this more. I think on some subliminal level, I'm worried that if I don't devote the time to DS, then DH won't. Not that he's not a good dad, he's a wonderful father! It's just that he prioritizes - and DH comes first. For example, he needs to finish a certain level of video game before he can take DS, or he needs to finish reading the newspaper before giving DS a bath.

Me, wanting to be supermom, would instantly drop whatever I was doing to take care of whatever DS needed. That's the difference!

And yes, I certainly intend to take some time for myself once DS is weaned. I would love to take some cooking classes, or exercise classes!

Just knowing that there's other moms out there with somewhat similar feelings makes me feel better!


:) :)

--Jennifer

[brubeck]

Ha ha, since Andrew is too old for an Exersaucer I leave him in his Chicco Mamma high chair (with activity tray) next to DH. I put snacks next to DH to dole out at the appropriate moment. What is the appropriate moment? When he makes enough noise that DH is disturbed from playing his computer game! :)

We also have a rule in our house that DH MUST watch the kids while I take a nightly shower. It's amazing how much 'me' time you can get in the shower!

[jenmcadams]

This is something that I think all moms (although especially SAHMs) deal with constantly. I'm pretty lucky in that my DH has always been pretty great about helping out with Abbie. Even though I nursed until Abbie was 8 months old, DH put her to bed with a bottle every night from about 6 weeks on (early on it was milk I'd pumped, then formual, then milk). This was great and always gave me a few hours to regroup, check email and do things for myself.

I think the most important thing you can figure out is how to build in your "me time." I train for triathlons (as does my DH) and we actually have a pretty detailed schedule of times when he gets to work out and times when I get to work out (e.g. I get W,F AMs and M, T, TH PMs and we each get some time on weekends). I think it's so important to figure out what you would like to do and ask/tell your DH to work with you on it. Whether it's reading a good book at a coffee shop, time with your girlfriends, whatever...I had to figure out what I wanted b/c my parenting attitude and my marriage were suffering b/c I wasn't feeling enough like an individual.

My inspiration for making sure I stay an individual is my mom. My mom is one of those people who was an awesome mom, but never did anything for herself and I know that's what led to her psycho moments at times. She never went out with friends or had her own interests and while I think she was an amazing mom, I think she would have been a better person and a more emotionally healthy person if she had done stuff for herself. She even said to me once that she thought it was a requirement that women lose their identity when they have children...after seeing my older sister and I maintain connections to our careers (we both consult out of our homes) and friends, she's made comments about how glad she is that we're still doing stuff for ourselves.

Phew...sorry this was so long...just wanted to basically say you're not alone and I really encourage you to figure out how to get a break and treat yourself when you can.

[papal]

I agree with everyone.. you have to get some ME time otherwise you will go crazy!
Here is what works for me. Dh comes home at 5.00p. Leela is on the bed ready in her warm clothes. Fed, burped, clean and ready to go! The KKAFP is next to her. DH enters the house, kisses the wife, dumps the mail on the counter, changes into his jeans, washes his hands and takes Leela out for an hour. I get to take a nice hot shower.
But it was not always like this! I was not SPECIFIC about what role i wanted him to play with Leela and grumpy that i had to do everything. I realized i had to be specific in what i needed him to do. And now, he LOVES his evening walks with Leela.

But get that ME time...seriously, it helps you regroup and when you see that baby again you realize how much you love her!

[Meatball Mommie]

I couldn't agree with you more! My DS is 6 mo old and I was just saying to my DH the other day that I felt like this. I think what spurred it on for me was that at the Dr's office the other day, I had to fill out a line on a form that said Employer, occupation, etc. and it was the first time that I couldn't fill that in. It was so weird for me. I know being a mom is so important and I wouldn't trade my son or the time that I spend with him for anything, but I do feel a little lost sometimes. I tried doing stuff outside the home (I took sewing lessons for 2 months) but my DH can be such a pain about it. I can't even tell you how many times I had to remind him that my lesson was that day (or how often he was late getting home which made me late for my lesson). This should probably go in the bitching post but I get so mad at him sometimes for his attitude. He finds time to do all the things he wants (watch football, have a few beers) while I do everything around the house. He goes to bed at like 8:30 (he gets up at 5 am), so I am always left cleaning up after dinner, putting DS to bed...(aargh, it's getting me annoyed writing this!) I think I'll have to talk to him about this again. I really could use some more "me-time". That was his V-day present to me - he had to watch DS for 3 hours while I worked on a tile project here at home. I didn't even go anywhere, but it was great to have a few hours to work on my own thing.

Hang in there...these boards help me a lot - I feel like I am getting away for a few minutes a day whenever I can read them. I just wanted to let you know that you definitely aren't alone in feeling like this.

[Sarah1]

I think Nita raises a really good point. Probably my closest mom friend is a working mom, and like Nita, I know she often does feel like a robot shuffling between work & mom roles...being so close to her makes me realize the grass is definitely not always greener on the other side.

I think there ARE a lucky few who truly do garner a strong sense of identity through their jobs, but for most of us, it's just about trying to get by every day with our sanity intact and, hopefully, some happiness thrown in each day!

[egoldber]

Well, I don't feel any less ME. In fact, I think that being a SAHM has shown me that I am NOT what I DO, which I was pretty worried about before leaving my job. But I definitely hear you on the not having time for yourself front. I also fell into the "I'm home so I know what to do so I'll just do it" trap. And it is a BIG trap.

Definitely make time for yourself. This is his child too, and he needs to support you and your child. You will be a better mom if you get breaks, rather than getting rundown. Part of my issue is that DH travels a great deal, so it is often just me and DD for days or weeks at a time.

And definitely give specific directions. My DH is also one of those that needs to be told EXACTLY what and how to do things. I find it irritating that I have to TELL him how to feed his 2 year old DD, but if I don't, then I wouldn't get a break.

And I really feel for you Nita. If I had continued to work, I know I would have been in exactly your situation. My job was so demanding and stressful. I hope you get a break soon!

[houseof3boys]

I guess I feel like I am a new me lately. I am becoming quite different than I used to be when I was a "career woman" and I'm becoming more tolerant of things I used to snub my nose at. Yesterday I was at the mall with a mommy friend and Ryan was screaming in the restaurant, had snot dripping into his mouth (gross) and was basically uncontrollable. I picked him up out of the highchair and held him while I attempted to eat and my black shirt was quickly covered with snot and the food that he had in his mouth. Old Debbi would have been disgusted if she saw someone elses child doing this and New Debbi was like oh well this is my life now. I am not normally an easy going gal, but I am seeing that with a child you have to be or you'll go nuts. That is one part of my identity that is changing as far as the "roles" part of me. DH knows that I need R & R when he is around so he is on duty no questions asked. On the weekends, he'll take Ryan in the other room so I can nap or read in peace and quiet. In the mornings, he'll take Ryan in the bathroom while he gets dressed for work so I can grab and extra 20 minutes. He always asks on the weekends if there are any errands I need to run without Ryan. We had the discussion early on about his job being 5 days a week and mine being 7 days a week, so he helps with Ryan and the housework all the time.

I love being a mom, despite how 24/7 it is sometimes and just realize that I am blessed with a gorgeous kid that I will remind over and over what a PITA he was when he was little! :P :P :P

My new identity is a mommy and I just make sure that I manage regular bubble baths and pampering just like I used to so I can feel like the old Debbi in that regard. :)

[sntm]

i hear you on not having enough me time. i get tired of trying to plan things to coincide so I can multitask (e.g. my "me" time was folding laundry while also watching L&O:SVU.)

still, though i miss the free time, i have to agree with sarah -- i have never felt more "me" than i am now with jack. though i miss some things about the old shannon, i like the person i am now much better ("...he was a beautiful butterfly!"). i feel like i had such a narrow view of life before jack and now i see the big picture, kwim? that doesn't always help me get my work done, though!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03
mama to Jack 6/6/03

[kransden]

I am not a SAHM but I felt no different than you do now. I finally worked out a plan with dh to get some time off. He gives dd a bath and puts on pjs (now we are weaned he puts her to bed too!). They have THEIR OWN special time together each day. I can read the paper etc. I also go out one night a week for an hour or so. Nothing exciting, just to the grocery store or to Target. I don't have to buy anything, it is just that no one can call me to help. BTW if you want an hour ask for 1.5 hours. DH will stall you the first 30 minutes. Not on purpose, but it always happens at my house lol. It gets a lot better when they get older. Hang in there. The mom gig is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I love her more every day.

Karin and Katie 10/24/02

[Jeanne]

Does anyone have any suggestions for the "martyr mom" syndrome then?
I am a working Mom with a wonderful DH. There is nothing he won't or can't do. I never have to give him direction or ask him for help - he just does it (not bragging). He encourages me to take a fun class or do something fun because as he says "A happy wife is a happy life" and yet why can't I take time for me without feeling guilty? Why do I always rush home even when there's no earthly reason to?
My mother was a working mom and somewhat of a doormat. My Dad never did a thing - or did very little. She loves to tell me how I should cook more, bake more, etc... And then of course tells me how lucky I am. I know I'm lucky! And I appreciate it and show it everyday. So I have this whole guilt thing I've been born into and no matter how hard I tell myself that I deserve the time, I rarely take it. Anyone else out there?

Side note that I once returned a SPA gift certificate because I just couldn't be that indulgent!

[COElizabeth]

Hmm. Maybe it would help if you viewed doing some of these things not as for you but for your family. Instead of thinking of it as fun for you, think of it as a way to show your children that it is important for mothers to take care of themselves, have interests outside their children, etc. And you would also be showing your DH that you appreciate his efforts to ensure you get "me" time.

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[pritchettzoo]

Yes! Some days I feel like I have been swallowed whole. And some days I feel like I'm on top of the world.

I'm hoping it gets better as DD gets more active and more interactive and more independent... And I know I need to take a more proactive role in getting out and making some IRL friends--not that y'all aren't fabulous or anything. ;)

I also practically throw the poor girl at DH when he gets home. I never thought I would be excited to do dishes--at this point, anything where she's not the main focus is playtime for me. And right now, I am still finishing up cleaning the kitchen...can't you tell? :P

Anna
Mama to Gracie (9/16/03)

[toomanystrollers]

The isolation aspect really starts to change as children get older. I find myself hanging out with a lot more moms thanks to preschool and other activites. And once the warm weather hits, the playground is the place to be :)

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

I so hear you! Today my me time was doing the dishes after dinner. Pathetic, huh?

:)

--Jennifer

[lcl]

what a great thread. i work outside the home too and probably spent 100+hrs at my job last week while also taking care of my son who has been sick. i was averaging 3 hrs of sleep a night and finally my "me " time was catching up on sleep last night, a great 6 hrs. i actually only have time to get refreshed thru these boards and i sometimes feel guilty for doing that. my husband also encourages me to go to a spa but i guess i've always felt that might be a waste of money. he means well, but sometimes he is also so exhausted by his very busy job that he needs to play video games in the night.

[jubilee]

I feel like I have lost some of my identity simply because my sphere of people interaction has really gotten small. Most days I am only around my DH and two sons... so I am simply "mom". It's great to once in a while (once every 6 months...lol) go out with my girlfriends without the kids though. My "me time" is after both kids go to bed, which is 9 pm. That's why I am always on the boards here really late. Speaking of which, it's midnight here so I'd better stop my "me time"!

[llcoddington]

Yes, I don't feel like ME anymore! Sometimes I like the new ME more than the old ME and then sometimes I long for the freedom and the fun of doing whatever I want, whenever I want. (especially sleeping till noon on Saturday!!!) I have to fight being resentful of DH because he never seems tired and has the energy to do fun stuff. When I get Lauren to bed, I make a mad dash to the bed myself because I am so tired. DH will stay up till one in the morning, working on his website, sorting his baseball cards, etc. He is a SUPER help when Lauren is awake, so I can't complain there.

I ALWAYS wanted to be a Mom. I had previous miscarriages and then went through infertility testing and all of that. When I start getting down, I try to remember that this is so much what I want! It's the hardest job I have ever had, yet the most rewarding.

And, yes, I do dump Lauren in DH's lap!

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[starrynight]

YUP! After 3 kids and being a mom for 5 years I no longer relate to anything except being mom. I feel like I lost an entire piece of myself. I tease dh that he at least gets a lunch break and outside conversation at work LOL. I hope that when they are a bit older I get some of ME back but if not it was still worth it (most days ;).

I have to think very hard to have a conversation that does not involve my kids, I do have a few brain cells left that are not mom related but it takes some serious thought to locate them again. But I kinda like my head filled with playdoh and baby memories :).

But I can't say I don't resent dh sometimes for having way more 'me' time than I do and that he doesn't do much around here. I like to think it's because I'm better at it.

And I hope your son starts liking baths again soon!!

[momto2girls]

I, for one, definitely do this. DH knows that as soon as he changes out of his suit, he is on Daddy duty. I know he's had a long day, but then so have I!! Luckily, our girls go to bed between 7:30-8:30, so we both know that an end is in sight!

Michelle