feeling bad about weaning/just found out pregnant-advice??

[marchmommy]

Hi everyone,

I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and honestly I am having mixed emotions. I am the lucky blessed mom of a DS who will be one year old in less than 2 weeks. It took almost a year to conceive him, plus I had to take Clomid, so I did not think I would conceive when I had unprotected sex with my DH (only twice!) On the one hand, I do feel happy, but I am also overwhelmed and stressed about it. I feel that I am taking away from my DS-that I am robbing him of special Mommy-n-Me time. I remember how much time we spent together, especially the first few months, and can't imagine how it will be with a new baby. Also, we have enjoyed such a nice, relaxed, close breastfeeding relationship, and now I have to quickly wean him, which I am finding very difficult, especially since he as sick with roseola the last few days. This means he and the new baby will be about 19 months apart--which is very close. I guess this could be a good thing, as my husband keeps telling me, but I am feeling really overwhelmed (as I think I have said!) I was just getting adapted to being the mom of one baby (it took me almost a year to get the hang of it!!) Any advice/words of wisdom would be appreciated!!!

[COElizabeth]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I think all parents worry about how their oldest child will be affected when #2 comes along - and whether one or the other will get enough attention. But think of all the fun your two will have together when they are old enough to play with each other! And with children close in age, you will have fewer years when they are in different schools, activities, etc.!

As for the weaning, is there a particular reason you have to wean abruptly? Many women continue breastfeeding well into their pregnancies and sometimes even nurse a toddler and a baby at the same time. From everything I have read, nursing during pregnancy is generally safe unless there is a particular concern about early labor. (There is also some concern about diminished supply later in pregnancy, but that is a concern for babies under a year. By then your son will be at the stage where he can get the bulk of his nutrients from solid food). If you want to wean, of course, that's fine, but if you'd rather wait or do it more gradually, I hope you can.

I know Joanne from these boards nursed her son until she was several months along with her DD, and her son was about 10 months old when she learned she was pregnant, so she might be a good resource for you.

Take care, and congrats again!

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02

[todzwife]

I know a lot of women still breastfeed through a pregnancy- Don't have a whole lot of advice, I know someone else will. :)

[daisymommy]

First of all, congratulations! I would definetly post in the feding forum, and read some breastfeeding books, because many people will tell you that you CAN still nurse while you are pregnant! Maybe that will help you feel a little bit better.

Also, it may be a challenge having your kids close together initially, but try to think "big-picture" and how much your DS will enjoy having a friend to play with that is close in age to him. My DS is getting soooo bored being an only child at this point, that I kind of wish I had another baby now so that in another year he would have a little buddy to play with.

Also, many people say that it's easier in a way to do all the baby years close together and get the hard part out of the way so you can get on with doing all the fun stuff you get to do when your children are a little older.

I hope something I said, even if it was one thing, has made you see the silver lining in the clouds :)

[Rachels]

Just wanted to congratulate you and to echo that you really probably don't have to wean. Many doctors are ill-informed about the benefits and safety of tandem nursing and nursing while pregnant. You can get advice from many moms who have done it at www.mothering.com/discussions. Here are some links for you, too:

http://www.kellymom.com/tandem/faq/index.html
http://www.askdrsears.com/faq/pr2.asp

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[ast96]

March Mommy,

I am in almost your exact situation. I did not have problems conceiving my first son, but we planned him completely. When he was a little over 13 months old, I found out I was six weeks pregnant again despite being on the mini-Pill, co-sleeping, and still breastfeeding. I too had VERY mixed feelings, and I mourned the time alone with my son.

I am due in about four weeks now, and I am still emotionally not ready to have another baby, but I don't feel as mixed up about it as I once did. I weaned my DS when he was 15 months old -- not abruptly, but at a pretty good time for us both. It just hurt too much to nurse anymore. My breasts were too sore from early pregnancy. I have heard from many mothers that their first children would wean themselves during the pregnancy, maybe because the taste of your milk changes.

I don't know what to tell you about having them close together, because I haven't done it yet. It has been very hard to be pregnant with an active, needy toddler. I am scared. But I feel lucky to be able to have another baby so easily, and I try to focus on that. In a few years, hopefully these two will be close friends. I just hope I make it through!

Good luck,
Allison

[smkinc]

((Hugs)) I can certainly understand your mixed emotions.

Just to give you some support...

I am the youngest of 5 and 13 months younger than my next oldest brother (there was at least 2-4 years between the others). While my mom remembers very little about our childhood :)! We were best friends growing up and are still very close. We did bicker a lot as children, but always had someone there for support.

My mom worked outside the home and she said having us close together really helped her feel comfortable about leaving us at daycare (we could always watch out for eachother). Also, now that we are adults, our parents make a special point of spending individual time with us, which has enriched my individual relationship with my mom. (I will say that my parents were attachment parenting before the term was coined, and I'm sure that made a difference in our bonding as well.)

Our son is just a year old and since we went through infertilty and ended up creating our family through adoption, we are only planning on having one child. I am mourning for him that he won't have a close sibling to have that kind of close relationship with.

Hang in there...having very one young child is tiring, having more than one can definitely be overwhelming. One of my sisters had two of her girls almost exactly 12 months apart. It was extremely chaotic when her girls were younger. Her house was never clean, dinner rarely contained all 4 food groups, etc. So just have the right expectations about what you can and cannot achieve with young children and try to line up as much help as possible in advance.

Take care,
Mary (mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03)

[marchmommy]

Allison,

Good luck to you, too! It's good to hear from someone else who is also having mixed feelings--just because it verifies that I am not crazy, and not just being too "negative" (my husband told me I should stop looking at the negatives. . . .). Hopefully your two will become buddies, as will mine. I think it just gets overwhelming because it feels you lack a sense of control over the situation, and over your body--that's how I feel. (I also feel like it's bad luck or something because I was so overjoyed when I found I was pregnant with our son, and not really that happy when I found out this time. ) I suppose we should be positive, roll with the punches life throws us, and make the best of it! Although it's hard to imagine, I'm sure we will love the new babies as much as our first! Best, March Mommy
And thank you everyone else who has posted so far for your heartfelt advice!

[jubilee]

March Mommy and Alison,
Congrats to both of you on your pregnancies! I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I pray this will turn to be a BIG blessing for you! :)

[Melanie]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! There are no health reasons that necessitate weaning. The unborn baby gets nutrition first, then your breastmilk, then your body...so you just have to eat well.

[jojo2324]

March Mommy and Allison,

Congrats on your babies!

I was in your same situation. My children are less than 19 months apart. Our DD was quite a surprise, since I was also nursing, co-sleeping and had only had my period three times. And, FYI, it really does only take one time! Believe me, DH and I were hardly bunnies in the bedroom. :)

In regards to nursing, I continued to nurse my son until he was 15 months old. (I was 5 months pregnant.) At that point, he was only down to one nighttime nursing session. But I did feel a need to stop, because I was EXHAUSTED. And very hormonal. I'd have crying jags almost every day. I was dealing with a very stressful home situation at the time, and it was only exacerbated by double hormome duty. Plus the fear of having two children so close together fed it as well. FYI, I hoped that DS would self-wean, but he never seemed ready to go down that road. It took us a few weeks, but finally he did wean.

If you do continue to nurse, make sure you really up your calcium and potassium. I had painful varicose veins and leg trouble, and had to stop working it hurt so much. (I waitress, so was on my feet for 6-8 hours a day.) Between the calcium being given to the baby, then the calcium in breastmilk...There's not much left for mommy!

I was extremely apprehensive when I found out I was pregnant. DS was (and is) quite a handful. I felt like I barely had a grip on the situation. He was still waking at night 1-2 times (until 15 months!), nursing tons, and just very high needs. He didn't nap well either. And he cried a lot. He was a colicky baby, and all I could think about was, what if this baby is EXACTLY THE SAME? I will lose my mind, without a doubt. Or, what if DS doesn't settle into a routine soon, and I have two babies waking at night. How can I reason with a 19-month old?

But, honestly, when you're pregnant with a toddler, you just don't have the time to moon over your belly. You don't. I was excited that a baby was coming, but I had to pay attention to what was directly in front of me, drooling on me, screeching at me, climbing all over me, holding his arms out to me. :)

I became more stressed as my EDD approached. But then she got here and things have been okay! It's only been a few weeks (nearly 5), but it's all about finding that groove. Obviously, it would help if your older child is in that groove already. :D Routine and schedule have always been problematic with Gannon, but we did manage to accomplish something to that effect before DD was here. Make sure you have LOTS of help on hand. My husband took a week off work and was on sole Gannon duty so that I could recuperate and nurse. My mother came a few days after that, and she was handed the same task. (That and cooking, yum!) My friends would come over when DH was at work after my mother left. Still now, I have my younger sister (who's 13) come over 1-2 nights a week to help me. (My DH works nights.) Don't be proud and not ask for help, because you will need it!!!!

It's a juggling act when I'm alone. I have yet to take them in the car together, without DH. LOL, I'm scared of the double. And sometimes it boils down to who will be least injured by crying a little more. Oftentimes, it's the older child.

I'm not saying I haven't had a few breakdowns. It's a lot of work. Gannon doesn't really speak that much, so it's hard sometimes to communicate with him. If he's crying at me and I can't figure out what he wants, it gets frustrating. Also, he's just figured out how to climb, so it seems every 12 seconds I have to pull him off a chair, the table, a windowsill. Often while I'm cradling Sorrel and nursing her. :) Last night I was nursing her and told DH I could give him a back scratch. He said, "You can do that?? " And I said, "I'm a mom! I have to multi-task or else NOTHING would get done!"

Hang in there. I look at my two kids now and think it's going to be great to have them together. They're going to be buddies, and have each other! I'm really looking forward to seeing them interact...I just know Sorrel is going to adore her big brother!

Sorry this got so long, but PLEASE, if you want to chat more offline, email me through the boards. Everything you've detailed sounds like my experience.

[amp]

Just wanted to say Congratulations! I think your ambivalence is completely natural, and I venture to guess that you will be just as excited about this pregnancy once you've had time to digest the info. And you will love this child as much as your other child. You will find a way to cope with having two and enjoying each of them in their own ways. Just give yourself some time to adjust to the news!

Again, congratulations on this wonderful blessing!

[marchmommy]

Allison,
I wanted to follow up with you and see how you are doing. Have you had your baby? How are you feeling? My thoughts are with you! I am still going back and forth b/w being at peace with having another baby and sort of excited to actually being really stressed about it and wishing I weren't pregnant. It's causing me a lot of anxiety right now....I hope I will feel better, come to terms with it! And I hope you are feeling great and doing well!

[jd11365]

Just wanted to offer my congratulations! There are so many members in this community that I know will be a wealth of information to you...keep posting your questions...they will be answered and hopefully will ease your mind!

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03