I'm so torn between what I know I should do and what I want to do...(long)

[TaChapm2]

Let me start by saying that my aunt is going through a terrible divorce and finally leaving a man (if you can call him that) who has beat her for 19 years. We are all so happy that she has finally got the courage to do this. He is absolutely crazy and has threatened to kill her on many occasions so it hasn't been an easy process for her to get out. Most of all we are happy that her children who are in their early teens are going to realize that this is no way to live.

As it turns out the son is planning on staying with his father and the daughter wants nothing to do with him so it is truly a family divided. My aunt is a flight nurse so she works 24 hour shifts and is out of the house for days at a time so we have opened up our house to her daughter. I really feel bad for her because she is so scared of her dad and what he will do. This of course has put us right in the middle of everything. He is calling our house and disrupting our lives as well.

The daughter stayed with us for most of January and February and just today I got a call seeing if she could come back and stay for a few more weeks. I know that I need to welcome her with open arms into a loving family that is "normal", but it is hard having an extra person living with you. She is sleeping on the extra bed in DS nursery so he isn't sleeping well. It has put a financial strain on us having her here and feeling that we need to entertain her. Most of all we are right in the middle of building a house and an IVF cycle so we are stressed to the max (and broke)! I know this is the right thing to do, but I really miss our "family time." I feel like things are about to get so crazy and we just need some down time. Am I a horrible person for feeling this way? I want to do everything I can to get them away from him, but I am missing our quiet life. I just feel really bad for even feeling this way because I know she needs us. It is just a bad time though.
I feel a little better getting that off my chest.


Tara
Mommy to Jackson (11-10-02)

[amp]

Wow! What a terrible situation! And I'm sorry you're feeling so torn and in the middle of things! Hugs!

I think it's great that your aunt is leaving. I think it's great that you are all so supportive. That said, I think it's entirely acceptable for you guys to protect the finances, stability and routine of your own household. That *may* mean not having her move in, but helping her to find another solution. Or, it may mean letting her move back in with a very defined, collective & clear understanding of the time limit and house rules, etc. I think you and your DH need to think through all of the possible avenues about where she might stay, and if it's with you, what are the boundaries. You need to be very clear with her about these once the two of you agree. That can help you to protect your environment and family life.

Good luck!

[nohomama]

I agree with everything Andrea has said but I think it's equally important, if not more so, for the defining of boundaries to happen with your aunt. It's perfectly exceptable to ask your niece to conform to your lifestyle and the rules you've established for your household. It's also completely exceptable and not in the least unsupportive for you to be clear with your aunt that the support you are offering has it's limits. Ultimately, I think it's more difficult to deal with the fallout of overextending yourself than it is to have a conversation about boundaries.

Wishing you and your family the best,

[egoldber]

I would agree with the others. Definitely set those boundaries. I have been there. It wasn't exactly the same situation, but pretty similar. My sister's (now ex-)husband was abusing her and her children (from a previous marriage). He eventually kicked my (then) 16 year old niece out of the house amd DH and I took her in.

She lived with us for about 18 months as she battled various addictions and other issues. It was amazingly stressful for everyone. You're a wonderful person to even think about doing this, but definitely have a long conversation with your DH about what you and he are willing to commit to as a family. Based on my own experience (and I would do it again), just be clear with your aunt about her expectations. I learned that my sister was basically willing to abandon her child to my care and I was NOT prepared to accept that, but kind of had no choice once she was living in my house.

Good luck!

[deborah_r]

Also, can your aunt give you some money to help meet her daughter's needs while she is with you? For food, extra utility usage, entertainment, etc.