Anyone else feel this way with a new baby?

[tarahsolazy]

Like you're in WAY over your head? Obsessing about BF, should I (or DH) carry him around all day, or try to put him down? Is it OK to have him in the bed with us, or am I messing up with that? Am I fit to be a mother? What did I get myself into? Having a day with much crying involved, mostly by me, not my DS. DH has been great, made me call my sister even though I was afraid to wake early to bed BIL. I just feel like the enormity of the responsibility for this little person is hitting me hard today. I have no friends close enough to ask IRL if they went through this, because I'll just start crying, and I have a hard time crying in front of anyone except DH and my sister. I'm sure this is normal,?, but today has been a bad day. I'm obsessing far beyond what I should think about, like the next feeding or my next nap, not six weeks from now, or two months from now, or wether DS will suddenly get colic next week. Sorry to ramble, I just need some virtual support. No one I know has ever told me about feeling so overwhelmed, so maybe its just me?

[westchicagomom]

I gave you a long reply to your BF post, but I can't ignore this one since it's all related. Your body doesn't know what has happened and your hormones are all over the map. This is one of the reasons you feel this way. I am not a weepy person and I cried every day for the first two weeks. My c/s recovery was awful (thank goodness your DH is so supportive - mine was too!). I mourned the loss of the life we had - just the two of us - that things were never going to be the same. I didn't feel immediately attached to DD which I thought was so wrong (love her to death now!). I worried that I was doing everything wrong - that there was something wrong w/ me because I was having problems BF and DD wasn't gaining weight. Try to focus on getting through the next feeding. Try to sleep when DS sleeps (I know that doesn't always work). Asking questions here and looking for support from friends (they will understand!) will help. There are so many supportive people here (most are just sleeping right now). I know night was the hardest and most depressing time for me. I just wanted to be normal again and go to bed at 11 pm like everyone else (and sleep for 8 hours). BTW, I am up by choice right now - DD has been sleeping for awhile.

It really does get better. I am the queen of worrying and as a mom that will never cease. However your DS is healthy and this is the worst of it. Into my second week, my hormones stabilized and things started to get better.

Your baby is very needy right now and this is a very difficult time. But soon he will be smiling back at you and these days will be a distant memory!


Pam
Mom to Lilabeth (9/03)

[Raidra]

It definitely will get better. The first few weeks were so overwhelming for me, too. We had a hard time breastfeeding.. my son was a little baby and kept losing weight, and we finally gave in after the third week and started formula feeding. He's definitely a healthy, chubby baby now, but I wish I hadn't been so overwhelmed and tried more things to get my milk supply up.

There is a lot to worry about with a baby, and that won't really stop, but in a few more weeks the feeding and sleeping should be easier, so you can handle the other things. I had to nurse Colwyn every two hours, and he would nurse for an hour at a time. So that only gave me an hour at a time to pee, shower, or sleep.. providing he wasn't needing to be held. The nights were by far the worst.. I always had a feeling of will-this-night-ever-end, but things always seemed better in the morning.

I spent a lot of time in my bedroom (I was always topless - why bother if the baby is always attached to me), but the days that I got dressed and spent time in other parts of the house or even went out for a little while were a lot better.

It seems like things will never get better, that a week is such an incredibly long time, and 6 weeks is an eternity, but before you know it, he'll be a couple months old and you'll have a hard time remembering how small and helpless he was in the beginning.

As to carrying him around or having him in bed.. out of 24 hours, Colwyn was held for about 20.. maybe 22. He slept much better on our chests in bed, so that's what we did. We got lots of extra pillows and put them all around us and on the floor, just in case. However your baby will sleep, that's what you do. If he doesn't cry when you carry him, do that. Get a sling or Baby Bjorn if you have to. Definitely ask for help. :)

Do you have a mom's group that you can go to? My hospital runs three, based on age, and that's been a lifesaver. It's so great knowing that other people are going through what you are, and even have it worse. Everyone is very open and nonjudgemental, and while it can be a pain to get Colwyn up and ready to go out in the mornings, I don't know what I'd do without it.

Hope some of that helps.. just hang in there.. it will get easier. :)

[jbowman]

The first few weeks of motherhood to me seemed like a cosmic joke: I had just gone through the most physically demanding experience of my life (childbirth), I was completely exhausted, and now I was supposed to take on the responsibility of caring for another human being 24/7!? It seems unbelievable that I survived (and enjoyed it), but I did.

What I remember are the days/nights blurring together, feeling as if my daughter was still physically attached to me, not getting a lot (if any sleep), and changing a million diapers.

Try to talk to your husband and sister--it will make you feel better. It helped me to get out for a bit (my in laws came and helped) or to take a long shower.

It may be hard to take comfort in this now, but it will get better...and then you and your husband will find yourselves getting nostalgic about those first few weeks...hard to believe, but it'll happen!

Hugs!!!

PS--I also posted response in Feeding forum.

[deborah_r]

This sounds very familiar to me, as I do vaguely remember feeling that way. The good part is in a few months (maybe less) you probably won't even be able to remember how you felt. I can remember it intellectually, but I can't feel what I felt then. I think a lot of it is hormones. I haven't read all of the other responses, I'm sure there is plenty of good info for you. Give it a few weeks and see how you feel, and just try to focus on getting through the day right now!

[Sarah1]

Tarah--it's NOT just you--that's EXACTLY how I felt. I think your feelings are completely normal. I can remember stressing about ALL the things you mentioned. And nobody we knew with a baby told us truthfully how rough the first few months are. DH and I are still pissed about that!

Things WILL get better. Just try and take it one day at a time, and try not to worry too much about things you can't control (something that's very hard for me!). And know that in these first few months, it's basically impossible for your baby to develop bad habits. So just do whatever feels best for you.

[mamahill]

First of all, take a deep breath. I remember feeling like I would never have control over anything again. But, like the others have said, it gets better. VASTLY better. SO much better, even, that you'll start to entertain thoughts of having another one :).

For now, just give in to whatever you FEEL like you should be doing. You've got an intuition that will serve as your compass for the years to come. Trust it. The only thing you NEED to do right now is snuggle your baby, and make sure you get all the rest you can. Everything else (cleaning, going out, running errands, etc.) is secondary.

Hang in there. I promise it gets so much better. Hugs!

[tarahsolazy]

Thank you all for the great support. Things look better in the light of day today, and I just decided to take it one feeding, one day, one night at a time. I'm sure I'm not done crying, but it feels easier to take in small parts. And I have the best DH ever.

[redhookmom]

Tarah,

It is not just you! I believe every mother feels this way to some degree. When my DS was born overwhelmed isn't strong enough of a word to describe the way I felt.

For me being in the moment helped, especially with my 2nd. I knew as each day went by I would feel less overwhelmed. Being in the moment allowed me to ENJOY my baby. Having a newborn is extremely overwhelming and extremely magical. (I'm tearing.)

Hugs to you.

[papal]

ITA with Sarah and everybody else.
It is OVERWHELMING if you think of the big picture.. take baby steps.. think of one feed at a time.. one diaper change at a time. And snuggle that baby...that and milk and a clean tushie is all he needs.
I know everyone says to sleep when the baby sleeps.. that was SO hard for me to do.. i just stared at her and cried.. i could not believe she was mine and my heart was bursting.
Do not do anything extra for the first couple of months.. let someone else do it or let it go.. your body is still recovering.... enjoy these first few weeks.. they go by too fast!

[Momof3Labs]

Tarah, I think that EVERYONE feels this way to some degree or another. Partially because it IS overwhelming, and partially because of the hormones. I remember just sitting at the top of the stairs sobbing and my DH was so upset for me. But it got better, gradually!

[peanut4us]

Deborah's right... I really don't remember. it just seems like a very sleep-deprived hazy dream. And I think that I will kepe it that way :) it will get better. You will get more confident. Your baby will get to know you and vice versa. There will be some crying days. There will be some days filled with the greatest joy you have yet to imagine.

Just hang in there and remember that this is your little one and how much you love your babe. It will get easier and better! I promise. And we are always here for you. You'd be surprised how someone always seems to be on, even late at night. So if you ever need us, just post, and someone will be here.

[egoldber]

Tarah, this is VERY VERY normal! As everyone says, I think all new moms feel this way to a certain extent. It really does get better, just take it slowly.

One thing I would suggest is to find a New Mom supoort group. I joined one offered by the hospital I delivered at. It was the BEST thing I ever did for myself. There's nothing like being in a room full of other new moms and realizing that you are NOT alone! You can find these lots of places: hospitals, churches, synagogues, YMCAs, county park&rec, etc. My playgroup was a spinoff from this group, and 2 1/2 years later we are still going strong! I was very reluctant to go at first and DH convinced me, and I am SO glad!

Also, some places (often hospitals) have breastfeeding mom support groups. These are usually run by LCs and are a great source of info and comfort for breastfeeding new moms. They often charge only a nominal fee (like $5 per session).

But what you are feeling is so normal. Give yourself time. It took me 3-4 months before I felt like I was in "control" of my life again! And you'll see, in a few months you'll be giving advice to new moms and feeling like a pro! :)

HTH,

[jd11365]

I absolutely PROMISE it will get better and you will feel more normal...especially by 12 weeks. That may seem like a long time, but it's not. I remember thinking...OMG, I am responsible for this little person...forever. Yesterday I was at work...today I'm not...OMG. I cried and cried. Now, I can't imagine life without her...and you will feel the same way...again, I PROMISE. You MUST find a mommy group of some kind. My area didn't have one, so I made one of my own. I went to the library, saw some mommies at the baby reading time and invited them to lunch...life has been much better since then. And again, that 3 month mark is key..."If you can make it to 3 months, you'll keep it!" was my joke when she was little. And these boards were another amazing support. Ask 1, 2, 3, or 300 questions a day...we are here for you! No question is stupid or silly...we've all had the same ones I PROMISE!

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
May '03

[lmariana]

Everything you're feeling is completely normal, and we ALL go through it and survive!!! I cried SO much those first three weeks, emotions were so high, neither my hubby or I knew what we were doing, it felt like we never slept, my c-section left me with limited mobility, and I was going through percocet withdrawl!

One month from now, your lives will be completely different. You'll be more confident in your skills, you'll have feeding down to a science, your body will start deflating, and everything will normalize a bit.

Three months from now, you'll be sitting pretty! That's when I started feeling like everything was going really well. Gabriel also began sleeping through the night at 3 months, so that probably helped us feel a lot better.

Don't be afraid to reach out to all your resources...friends, family, virtual friends! Everyone loves you and would probably bend over backwards to help you with whatever you need. Even if it's just to come over and have a cup of tea.

Don't feel like you have to be holding your baby every minute he's awake. I think that will exhaust you. Utilize your baby gear, like a bouncy seat to take a few minutes for yourself. Take a long hot bath, shave your legs, put on some makeup, and you'll feel like a million bucks and one hot mama! Have your helpful hubby get take-out for dinner.

Just be sure to enjoy as much as you can. Take a cue from your new baby and just hang out and take it all in!!!

Keep us posted on how everything's going!

Mariana
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003

[JLiebCamm]

Oh, yes, it's all coming back to me now....I waited until I was 30 to have a baby and kept thinking, "How do 16 year olds manage this when I can't get it together?" I think it took around 3 months for me to feel sane and somewhat in control, but it got better every week. Hang in there.

[lcl]

coming to your post a little late and haven't read all the posts and may not have anything new to add...i just saw your "what do you do?" message in the other thread...i'm a full time internist in private practice and also had similar feelings at the begining. i mostly read the BBB to feel encouraged as i had found it quite therapeutic and helpful. my DS is 20 mo now and there is always something new but it is much better. i think being a parent is harder than being a physician (it's hard when you're on continuous "call" 24-7), but it is most rewarding. I found BF difficult especially when i returned to work fulltime, but found it helpful to email a friend who was in a similar situation on a regular basis. although we couldn't talk to each other regularly IRL, it helped to get things off my chest at random times likes 2 am in the morning when i was awake. that's great that you have a supportive DH and sister. does your sister have children? can you set up instant messaging with her so you can "talk " to her when your BIL might be asleep?

[jubilee]

Tarah, I think I remember that you live in the same area as me. I am happy to try to help you out if you would like. I'll send you an email. Hugs,

[alleyoop]

It is soooo not you! I remember my DH sending me to bed while DS slept and then coming in there 10 minutes later saying, "what are you doing??" and I would say, "Wasting my nap time crying!" I just couldn't control myself. The C-section regrets, the BF problems. Our bed was littered with 6 or 8 baby books open to different pages from the 2am obsessing! The crying was out of control (me, not DS). But what everyone says is right. It does get so much better. By 3-4 weeks I wasn't crying every day, by 6 weeks it was like night and day.

I found that I got a little relief when I stopped trying to be so tough, and just took the pain pills if I was in pain. And, if I felt a good cry coming on, I would tear myself away from the baby books, and go watch a good Lifetime movie! That way you stop obsessing about the baby, and just cry yourself silly over the movie.

Hang in there and count the days if you can. This will all be a distant memory soon! :)

[amp]

I didn't read all of the other posts, but I wanted to yell (not at you, but to you), YES, YES, YES! I totally felt that way for thie first weeks. Then, after a month or two, the crying stopped, but I still felt overwhelmed! If it continues more than that, or if you are unable to care for the baby or yourself in any capacity, then you need to seek help. But is it normal to feel overwhelmed, emotional, tearful, obsessed, worried, etc this soon after having your baby? Abosolutely! Please know that you can come here and get so much support as you brave this new world! Hugs to you! And I promise, it does get easier. It doesn't happen quickly, but it does happen. Hang in there!

[josephmama]

I ditto what most people have said. The first month with my son was AWFUL. It was probably one of the worst months of my life. Everyone says you are tired, but you have no idea what it really feels like until you experience it. I was exhausted, recovering from a c-section, had awful b/f problems, and I felt like my life was taken over by a 7 1/2 pound baby and I would have no life ever again. I called him my time bomb for a few weeks! I cried every day for 6 weeks straight, usually after dinner when I missed my mother of all things! I called her every night just to vent and it was my therapy. My DH would send me to bed early and I would waste away the hours crying or having anxiety attacks and I would be happy to get 3 hours of sleep.

So you obviously are not alone. By 4 weeks all my help went home and while I was alone all day with my son, it got better and by 6 weeks we were doing ok- by 2 months we were good and by 3 months I was having the best time of my life.

Hang in there!!!!! May you get much sleep this week!

[lisaE]

I am ashamed to admit it, but what I kept thinking was, "We shouldn't have done this." Just because I felt SO overwhelmed and like I was already a total failure as a mom. But like everyone else has said, it gets better fast. Now I can't imagine not having DS and obsessing over him. You know, it would be more of a concern if you WEREN'T so worried about every little thing. That just means that your priorities are where they are supposed to be!

Try to relax a little- it gets a lot more enjoyable soon.