lmintzer
03-15-2004, 05:23 PM
I can't believe the day has finally come--4 months sounded like such a long time. Tomorrow's my first day back to work, and I am feeling so not ready. I work 3 days/week (T/TH/F), and I get so sad thinking of leaving little Joshua who doesn't like to take a bottle and is really Mama's little cuddle bug. I know he'll be okay, but he won't understand where I am. I've never been away from him for more than 1 feeding in a row. And Jack? He has gotten used to me being home now. And in all his toddler glory, he's used to (and demands) good 1 to 1 care, since my nanny has been with us throughout my maternity leave (this has been both a blessing and a curse, but that's another whole story).
So, I'm sad (as to be expected) but also exhausted since Joshua seems to have inherited his brother's sleep disorder. Night is so-so (co-sleeping part of the night helps somewhat but daytime is a disaster right now). My sweet little preemie baby who did nothing but sleep for 1-2 months now has a terrible time sleeping. His pathetic little 30 minute naps don't begin to help him feel rested, and he lets out these pitiful little screechy cries that just say "help me sleep, Mama." So of course I do. I rock him, swaddle him, give him his pacifier, walk with him until my back is achy. I can't let my little guy cry. My mom jokes that I have 2 first children. I don't know whether to be offended or proud. Usually, I just laugh.
I'm scared my nanny won't be able to handle it--still the same fear I had weeks ago. I'm not sure if it's in my head and I need to shake it or there is some reality to it. My kids just aren't easy. That's the truth. I read posts here about people cooking nice meals, making home-made toys for their children, decorating there homes, going on trips. I'm just like "huh?" This is so not where we're at. It's taken 2 caregivers to ensure the two kids are fed, clean, played with, taken to activities (Jack, that is) and nurtured. I feel like I've totally failed at the "do it myself" plan.
I don't mean for this to be a "poor me" or a "I have it worse than you" post. I know I'm lucky to have two healthy, beautiful little boys who are developing so nicely. But I'm just so worn out--exasperated by a testing, boisterous toddler and ANOTHER nfant who just doesn't do "what the infants in the books do" and take naps (hah--the psychologist me is laughing at myself for even writing that--it's silly to even think a thought like that). But who doesn't think "why doesn't my kid do X like the others?" sometimes. Even though it's not a useful or healthy thought in any way.
Anyway, if you have a spare minute, please send some positive work/pumping/not-being-too-heartsick vibes my way. It's going to be a rough few weeks!
(Edited to say I work 3 days/week, so I will still be home with them every M/W. I'm hoping that will help with BF and keeping my supply up--as well as my morale!)
So, I'm sad (as to be expected) but also exhausted since Joshua seems to have inherited his brother's sleep disorder. Night is so-so (co-sleeping part of the night helps somewhat but daytime is a disaster right now). My sweet little preemie baby who did nothing but sleep for 1-2 months now has a terrible time sleeping. His pathetic little 30 minute naps don't begin to help him feel rested, and he lets out these pitiful little screechy cries that just say "help me sleep, Mama." So of course I do. I rock him, swaddle him, give him his pacifier, walk with him until my back is achy. I can't let my little guy cry. My mom jokes that I have 2 first children. I don't know whether to be offended or proud. Usually, I just laugh.
I'm scared my nanny won't be able to handle it--still the same fear I had weeks ago. I'm not sure if it's in my head and I need to shake it or there is some reality to it. My kids just aren't easy. That's the truth. I read posts here about people cooking nice meals, making home-made toys for their children, decorating there homes, going on trips. I'm just like "huh?" This is so not where we're at. It's taken 2 caregivers to ensure the two kids are fed, clean, played with, taken to activities (Jack, that is) and nurtured. I feel like I've totally failed at the "do it myself" plan.
I don't mean for this to be a "poor me" or a "I have it worse than you" post. I know I'm lucky to have two healthy, beautiful little boys who are developing so nicely. But I'm just so worn out--exasperated by a testing, boisterous toddler and ANOTHER nfant who just doesn't do "what the infants in the books do" and take naps (hah--the psychologist me is laughing at myself for even writing that--it's silly to even think a thought like that). But who doesn't think "why doesn't my kid do X like the others?" sometimes. Even though it's not a useful or healthy thought in any way.
Anyway, if you have a spare minute, please send some positive work/pumping/not-being-too-heartsick vibes my way. It's going to be a rough few weeks!
(Edited to say I work 3 days/week, so I will still be home with them every M/W. I'm hoping that will help with BF and keeping my supply up--as well as my morale!)