Bizarre personal question from naive first-time Mommy...need advice...

[Judegirl]

My (younger) brother needs to know in advance when he should come and visit once the baby is born. I have no idea how I will feel when the baby is born, when I'll want him around and when I won't. Please help me make my best guess. Here's what I do know:

1. I'm having a C-section.
2. My husband and I live in a very small 1-bedroom apartment, and my brother will not be able to stay with us. (He does not know this yet. He will not respond well when he finds out. This will stress me.)
3. I love my brother very much, but most of our visits are usually very stressful for both of us. He is my only family member, though, and this visit may be different because it is the first baby in the family.
4. I am taking a road trip, with husband and baby, when the baby is 7 weeks old. I am going back to work about 9 weeks after the birth.
5. I was depressed during my first two trimesters, and so my doctor says I am at risk for post-partum depression. (I, however, think that once I am no longer pregnant I will be just peachy. She'd be depressed too if she threw up a dozen times a day for four months.)

Any opinions? Advice? Life experience? How soon did you feel like sharing your baby with the world? How soon were you up to dealing with stressful interactions? How long might I be bedridden after a C-section? Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. I don't know many people who have had babies. :)

Thank you all,
Jude

[kijip]

I suggest giving yourself at least 2-4 weeks. If not longer. I love my brouther too BUT dealing with him and a newborn would be too much. So I understand your situation somewhat. When our son was born, we lived in a studio so no place for people to stay. It was great. Anyone who is not going to be a great deal of help to you should stay away until you can move, nurse (if applicable) and stay awake for more than 5 minutes. As for 2-4 weeks, all bets are off if you get a colicky or fussy babe. Do what works for you.

[bluej]

I haven't had a C-section, so my experience comes from vaginal deliveries, w/ fairly easy recoveries. I would wait at least 4 weeks before I had visitors that would just be visiting and not helping. The first week you are on such a high, you just don't sleep. The second week you are coming down and feeling more tired and then it takes a couple of weeks to adjust to the night wakings and being functional during the day. By week four you will probably want to be getting out and doing things and this is when it would be handy to have your brother.

[peanut4us]

I don't have any siblings, but my best friend is like a sister to me and she came around 4 weeks after. And that was about right. My mom came about 1 week after baby, and honestly, if it had been anyone I needed to entertain, take care of (meals or otherwise) or worry about modesty with, i would have hated my life.

I did not have a c-section, but I had a hard delivery and baby ended back in the hospital on day 5 with really bad jaundice. Bfing did not go well until about week 7??? I think??? I can't remember; it's all an exhausted blur.

If your brother usually causes you stress, then I think you should wait until you think you will be "recovered" and a little longer than taht if you plan to bf. TMI--but if you end up with chapped and cracking nipples, some of the best healing is to prance around the house with nothing on your top half... and I would imagine that might not be something you would feel comfortable doing around your brother.

HTH. JMHO.

[papal]

ITA with everyone. If your brother is not going to be cooking meals or doing laundry then he should wait at least 4 weeks before visiting. In my case, I had my mom with me for the first 4 months (godsend). She is a strong woman and told everyone who wanted to visit, that they could pop into the hospital for 5 mins and see the baby but there were to be NO HOME VISITS for at least a month (except my sister who was doing laundry, cooking, cleaning and everything else). Would that be an option for you at all?

[Momof3Labs]

Are you planning to breastfeed? Then definitely wait at least a month (keep in mind the baby can be early or late, so don't let him buy a plane ticket yet) and keep in mind that there are growth spurts at around 3 weeks and 6 weeks where you will be nursing constantly for a couple of days.

[JElaineB]

I agree with everyone else, wait at least a month. I had a c-sect and the first two weeks were rough. I had BF problems and c-section recovery problems, so it took a quite a while for me to feel like I had anything under control. My mom was there for 2 weeks after DS was born but she was cooking, cleaning, taking care of me and helping with the baby. Some family stopped by for a couple of hours when DS was 11 days old, but that was it for a long time! I would also agree with not having your brother set any dates in stone until the baby actually arrives, so you maybe can have a little better idea how you feel then.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[amp]

Not a bizarre question at all!

I felt like sharing my joy and baby w/ our friends and family right away, but it was stressful to have people visiting while I was recuperating, learning to be a mom, and trying desperately to breastfeed the baby! I agree w/ everyone's advice to wait at least a couple weeks, preferably a month or so. Having a baby is wonderful and also stressful and overwhelming! You will be stressed, even without company, especially a brother who stresses you anyway. You won't necessarily be unstressed a month later, but at least you will be more settled.

The hospital staff will have you up 24 hrs following your CS, but it will be painful. You will probably be in the hospital about 3 days (it varies), and you will be slowing getting around upon your discharge. I had a CS and while I felt pretty good when I came home 3 days after the surgery, I wore out easily and got very sore easily. It took me a good two months before I even felt comfortable driving or going anywhere where I would have to carry DS's carseat w/ him it. DH took us everywhere!

As for him not taking your decision about his not staying with you well....Tough! Don't take on this stress. Easier said than done, but you are a momma now, and you need to look out for that baby you are carrying! Tell that to your bro if you need to, but don't let him give you a hard time on this. It is the way it is and that's that!

Best of luck!

[kristine_elen]

We had family visit starting about a week after my son was born and I thought it was too soon. Especially since my husband had taken a month off work, I wished that we had had more time as just the three of us.
You will need help lifting things after the C-section, so your brother might be able to help in that regard if your husband or others aren't around.
Personally, I'd ask him to wait 3-4 weeks before coming. That may just be me.

[Judegirl]

Wow - thanks everyone! That's really helpful! I can't believe how much everyone agrees on the time frame. I will defintely wait at least a month, then.

Btw, I will be pumping exclusively, so many of the issues brought up here will be relevant, along with the added frustration of learning and coping with the pump, and just genmerally feeling like a cow on a dairy farm. :)

Thanks so much for all of your help...I'm very grateful! Last night I felt so overwhelmed by the decision. I feel much better informed already.

(As always, more opinions are always welcome!)

Thank you,
Jude

[alkagift]

I agree, particularly if you're pumping a lot--I was frustrated by the pump, it definitely wasn't efficient and stressed me no end.

And, thinking of my own brother so your experience may be different, I would make him do dishes and go out for takeout just like anyone else who stays overnight! I wasn't nearly selfish enough the first couple of months and I nearly killed myself trying to accommodate my family's personal needs.

Allison
Mom to Matthew Clayton, 5/19/03

[suribear]

I had two c-sections. If you've been reading the c/s thread, you know that everyone varies in their recovery. My first was awful, the second was tolerable. But both times it DID get better after the first two weeks.

Keeping this in mind, and also the adjustments of first time mommyhood, etc... I would wait until the baby is at least a month old, especially since you said your relationship is a bit strained. The last thing you need initially is negative energy! My mom and I don't get along all that great, but she was a godsend during my recoveries as she pretty much took over the household. It was worth the squabbles :)
If your brother isn't the helpful type, it may be best to wait until you've healed a bit.

just my two cents.

Kris

[Judegirl]

Kris,

No, I haven't seen the c/s thread. What should I search for to find it??

Thanks much!

Jude

[amp]

Here's the link to the recent thread on CS's.

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=67958&mesg_id=67958&page=2

You can also just do a search on the whole board to find past info. That's what I did when I found out that I was having one at the last minute and didn't know much. There is a lot of helpful info from past posts that you can find by searching for it.

HTH!

[lukkykatt]

Jude, you are so smart for trying to deal with the details of what may be a stressful situation before your baby arrives! I just wanted to suggest that when you tell your brother he can't stay with you, be prepared to offer him a few alternatives. That may make him feel better about not being able to stay with you.

Also, I so hope that you don't have post partum depression! I had a 2 or 3 week case of the baby blues after my first son was born and I was SHOCKED. I had never before had a depressed day in my life. So I was thinking that you might want to read up on post partum depression before you have your baby. It may help you understand your feelings if it does happen.

Wishing you all of the best,

[Jacksonvol]

Jude,

I agree with the 4-5 weeks advice. I have a younger brother, and while we are pretty close, he really wanted to know "everything" about when and how he should come for a visit. I think it was because there may be expectations about visiting the first niece or nephew and because he does not have children. I found life got a lot better when I ditched the "Hallmark moment" impulse.

Anyway, I laid down pretty specific guidelines with all my extended visitors and tried to keep in mind their strenghts. I also made it clear that I would not be able to cook or really entertain. My brother is a good cook, so he made dinner a few times. He was a little skittish about holding a 4 week old baby, so he just talked to her while she was in her swing. My MIL can't boil water, so her job was to hold DD while I napped, showered, etc.

At @ 5 weeks, I wanted to be out of the house moving around, so my brother and I went on walks with DD in the stroller.

I hope you don't suffer from the baby blues, but you are smart to be aware of the potential for PPD. I remember having a meltdown one night over a towel on the bathroom floor. I was convinced we were doomed to live in a pigsty for the rest of our lives. After a brief reality check, I realized we most likely would not be living in squalor.

Good luck with your delivery and your brother. I hope you all have a great time sharing this new addition to the family!

Lisa

[JElaineB]

Here's another recent thread on c-section recovery:

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=37&topic_id=67550&mesg_id=67550&listing_type=search

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[heidi_timms]

Not related to your original question, but priceline.com is a GREAT place to get rooms (edited to add for your brother to stay)! We have stayed in 5-star hotels in San Francisco for $50-60 a night. I would check it out for your brother. The only thing is once you book, you can't cancel. I use Priceline all of the time. I also stayed at a 4-star hotel at the LA airport for $50 as well.

~Heidi
Mom to Kailey Ashlin
4/27/03