Need a fast grammar check...

[jd11365]

I need to reply to an email from the Dean at the college and I want to make sure I am grammatically correct before I send... Look ok?


Yes I am interested. However, just this week my husband was offered a promotion within his company which means he will not be home to take care of our daughter while I teach as we had originally planned. My friend has offered to watch our daughter for a couple of hours twice a week, so I would only be able to take on one class at this time. The 10:30 Intro class could work nicely for us. If that would still work for you I would be happy to teach the class.

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[peanut4us]

the only thing that I see is you should have a comma before the "which" in your second sentence.

[sweetbasil]

Ditto Joey- or make it two sentences instead of one--- it feels a little long.

[jd11365]

So,
Yes I am interested. However, just this week my husband was offered a promotion within his company, which means he will not be home to take care of our daughter while I teach as we had originally planned.

or

Yes I am interested. However, just this week my husband was offered a promotion within his company. This means he will not be home to take care of our daughter while I teach as we had originally planned.

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[COElizabeth]

I'd put a comma after the "yes" in the first sentence, though I am not sure it's necessary. The second sentence is a bit of a run-on sentence. I would probably try to shorten it or make it two. Finally, in the third sentence, the "only" belongs in front of the "one class" rather than in front of "be able."

HTH.

Elizabeth, Mom to James, 9-20-02
EDD #2, 10-30-04

[peanut4us]

I would go with option 2, but you need to add a "that" between means...he. And Elizabeth is 100% correct on the placement of the "only" in your last sentence (good catch!).

[lizajane]

liza the former english teacher says...

>Yes, I am interested. However, I would only be able to take on one class at this time. I have found childcare for our daughter for a few hours twice a week, so the 10:30 Intro class would fit my schedule well. If that would still work for you, I would like to teach the class.


i hope i didn't make you mad! but i think being as concise as possible is the best way to go. you don't need to make excuses for only being able to teach one class. (i don't mean that critically, "make excuses," i mean to say that you are awesome and he wants you to teach, so tell him when you are available.)

[Imperia]

I would add a comma after yes.

Also, I don't generally like to start a sentence with "however" as it can feel awkward. "However" is a conjunction and in most cases should be in the middle of a sentance to join sentance clauses where a limitation or distinction is necessary. So, putting it atthe beginning of a sentence often makes that distinction hard to figure out.

You could say:

"Just this week, however, my husband was offered a promotion within his company."

And then I would start a new sentance explaining more in depth. Something like:

"Due to his new work responsibilties, he will be unable to watch our daughter while I teach, as we had originally planned."

Otherwise, you are going to run this risk of a run on sentance.
You could, if you prefer, also use a semicolon to join some of the smaller sentances.

I hope this helps!

Imperia

[jd11365]

Thanks guys! I would hate to make a poor impression!

This is what I went with...a combination of all of your suggestions! (Please don't correct this one because I will get an upset stomach from nerves. ;))

"Yes, I am interested. However, I would be able to take on only one class at this time. Just this week my husband was offered a promotion within his company. Because of his new work responsibilties, he will be unable to watch our daughter while I teach as originally planned. I have found childcare for our daughter for a few hours twice a week, so the 10:30 Intro class would fit my schedule well. If that would still work for you, I would like to teach the class."

Thank you fellow grammar dorks... Grammar Dorks Unite!!!

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[jd11365]

Liza...you could never make me mad! I asked for the help...I really wanted it! I can remember writing my National Boards and being more upset when an editor/reader would avoid hurting my feelings by being less critical. Thank you for your fantastic help!

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[sweetbasil]

Looks great, Jamie! Way to go...and have fun teaching that class :)

[jd11365]

Ha! Guess I shouldn't have been so worried...this is what I got back...

I copied it exactly...

Thanks for the reply - we;ll put you down for 10:30 - we'll need to
complete paperwork at some time

Jamie
Mommy to Kayla
5-1-03

[caleymama]

OMG - after all your hard work that's too funny. That's totally something that would happen to me. Glad you got the class, though!

[Imperia]

Hee hee!

That is too funny. I am glad you got the job. Your students will be lucky to have someone so conscientious teaching them.

Imperia

[lizajane]

yay!! i am glad you got what you wanted. we;re all very happy for you. (hee hee ;) )

i LOVE to edit, so i always worry that i will get carried away when the writer really just wanted me to say, "ok."