QUESTION: moms with nanny or sitter during the day

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I'm in a slight pickle...and now that I think about it my pickle doesn't seem as big as a pickle as it did this morning...

But here is my scenerio...
I have hired a LOVELY young single mom who I adore, respect and think she is great, to help me watch Tristan during the day. It is highly flexible, I have taken on a part time job from home and can work any hours I want as long as they are "in the business hours" of like 9-5 since I am researching companies and municipalities thus they need to be open...
So Meagan is is single mom and has a job that is "shift work" so she can give me an 8 hour day and mostly about three 3 hour days a week, which works!!!!!!!

Now my problem ...I adore her so much that I am to attached when she has bumps in the road...perfect example she is looking for a new place to live and thus is living far away with an older couple now, she is only 22 and money is tight for her...I was so tempted to help her with a downpayment on a condo or something...she seems fine so I am not...

But today on her way over to my house she got a flat tire...she was on that little unsafe do-nut...and shared that she is getting a new tire on Friday when she gets paid. I was going to give her 3 hours of pay today but instead I INSISTED (SHE FOUGHT IT) I drove out of the neighborhood with her to the bank and gave her $100 with the agreement that I will deduct her pay from this over the next few days. I could not have her on the road with that do-nut going a good 30 miles each way till Friday.

I have to fess up...that she is in no way wanting, expecting or hinting for help she is very responsible with her thoughts etc...
So my problem is MINE...and MINE only...but now I worry about her and am just too involved. I mean here I am buying another Kettler trike with a tandem because I feel guilty that her son (5 weeks less than T) is helping push T when he is on his trike...I justfeel this is the right thing to do (I am keeping it it will just be used by them)...

BUT I am ultimatley paying more than I would if I took him to the top day care there is...and really my main problem is just that I have now taken on worrying about her...
When she arrives we chat (so I'm not billing hours but paying)...and while I love the conversation it is counter productive...

I know there is no answer to this (Question??????)
But is this a normal behavior that I am feeling, do you all feel the need to really "take care" of your nanny/day care provider...

Did I say she is MARVELOUS....and I truley am lucky to have her!!!!!

If you've made it this far I thank you...

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[mamahill]

I just wanted to say that you have a big heart, Neve, plain and simple. And while I know it is wonderful, I am also sure that it requires a lot of energy and money :). I think it would be ok to front her the money to get her tire fixed since you are having it taken out of her pay at the end of the week. The trike thing, I don't know. I'm sure her son and T trade off on his (and it will come in handy when you bring a couple Ukranians back, right?). Definitely do NOT help with a downpayment or co-signing anything. A little chit chat wouldn't be bad, as long as it's just a *little* :). I mean, it makes you both feel more human and connected, right? I think it's only natural to be friendly, especially when it comes to who is taking care of your child. But also, maybe remember that she is working for you, and that you don't "owe" her anything other than the pay.

But mostly, you're just a nice person ;).

[dotgirl]

We take our little guy to a wonderful woman who has a very small daycare in her home. She loves him to death, and she's just wonderful. We always chat a bit when we drop him off and pick him up, and we like to bring her lunch sometimes - my husband made gumbo and we brought her that, corned beef around St. Patrick's Day, etc.

I think that as long as you don't strain yourself or the relationship, some friendship is good. However, it should stay within reasonable bounds - making her go get a new tire, even helping, sounds like it's fine. Helping with a down payment might have been a bit much.

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

The thought process of helping with the down payment actually helps me out too in that up untill recently she watched T at her home (small condo)...she even came and got him and brought him back, so as much as she seemed to need that help selfishly it benefits me too...and I also want her settled...
I mean really just the time that I don't have to spend on the road to drop him off and turn back around and go back and get him etc... to me almost justifies that...

I guess that is where I just feel like I have taken on "someone" else to worry about...and with 5 pets, a hubby and T I just don't know if it right for me to take on much more...
BUT on the flip side she gives me such an amazing help that I sure do get something out of it...

It would be easier for me if she did have a daycare in that there is a set price, contract etc...
Now this seems like nothing when I look back on it, but this morning after we departed at the bank I just wondered if I was better off with a different relationship, maybe with a day care provider etc...

I think it just hit me while typing this that I guess I feel so indebted to her for watching my most precious of life's offers that I just don't know how I can pay her enough in all honesty...

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[janeybwild]

I hear you. This is tough. You seem to be a very compassionate and helpful person, and only want to help. Another way to think about it that may help you and her both, is to remind yourself that this is a job for her, not a relationship. She won't be able to do the best she can and have pride in what she does if her professional distance is taken away. Sometimes being too involved can take away that great feeling you get for a job well done. Sounds weird when I say it that way, I'm just not good at explaining my thoughts. But I too struggle with feeling a strong connection to our nanny, and yet keeping some distance. This is after all the woman who helps me take care of the most precious thing in our world. If not help her, then who? But I do keep reminding myself that she needs her privacy and space. I try to acknowledge the great job she is doing in numerous small ways, but I keep our chit chat to a few questions about her weekend, family etc. and then it's all about DD. Same at the other end of the day. She did tell me once that on a previous job she found it difficult because the mom always wanted to chat, so perhaps that has helped me. The key for you to feel comfortable might be that you need to buy into thinking of this a bit differently. HTH & good luck.

[barbarhow]

Neve-I have to agree with Sarah on this one. You are guilty of having a huge heart. Hey is that so bad? No. Not if you can keep it in check-which it seems you are doing just by asking the question. I, too, have a huge desire to take care of people. Jack's primary daycare provider is quiting in June. I am heartbroken. She is a student and needs to find a better paying job. Of course I dream up this fantasy that she can come and live in with us in our new house and take care of Jack 3 days a week......oh yeah it was definately a fantasy. But, I confess, I spent several days thinking about it and how it would benefit her (an us).
So the answer is no-you are definately not the only one to do this. It is so apparent that you are such a loving, generous soul. It is not a bad trait. It is just one that needs to be watched-cause sometimes I know that I can give way too much as well.
I could go on but I need to head to bed...Jack wore me out today.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Absolutely what I needed to hear!!!!!
You described how I feel exactly, but you also gave me some great things to think about...
You could not have said it better re" her pride and the professional distance." I talk to her like she is a younger sister and I really need to take it up a notch (and treat her like a professional) and I suspect much will fall into place from there.

You described my thoughts EXACTLY....
Thank you so much!!!!
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

Thank you Barbara...(and everyone)...
I gotta say that I don't really think it is as much about being generous as it is that I really feel indebted to a women helping me and loving on my child. I can't explain it, but you did describe how I feel very much for when she told me she needed to find a place to live (and she didn't say it in a victim way...she just said it) I too thought of her coming here for a a week or two, free just to get her settled her some. But I know I'd regret it big time, and the thought of watching her son while she worked and stuff does not appeal to me in the least and that is what would happen if I did that. I don't have time to give anyone...I fly by the seat of my pants and have a "to do" list that in the past few weeks is so long I am sinking...so I know that would not have been good...

Thank you ladies for helping me sort thru this in my mind...

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[etwahl]

you mentioned buying another house as an investment. what about buying something close to you and offering her to be your tenant?

Tammy,
Mom to Lauren Genevieve
03/12/2003
www.evantammy.com

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

OH NO...if we buy another house it is going to be near the coast and selfishly for moi!!!!!! :)...
but it that is a wonderful idea if we were really looking for property locally but we are not we are looking at about two hours away in some of the coastal towns...

Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties