How do you keep friends' kids from destroying your home?

[justlearning]

I have been to playgroups at other friends’ houses where I’ve seen kids walking around the house with a sippy cup in hand filled with juice as well as eating snacks everywhere but in the kitchen. I’ve seen them stain sofas and the carpet, and I’ve been shocked that the moms don’t even seem to care that their kids are destroying someone else’s property. I’ve also seem them allow their kids to do things I’d never dream of allowing DS to do—like standing on a sofa with dirty shoes on, holding crayons while sitting on a sofa (leaving marks on it), dragging objects across a coffee table that leave scratches on it, and so forth.

We have always been extremely careful with our home and furniture, always taking great care of it, and this has not changed not that we’re parents. Because we’re currently living in a tiny rental and have dangerous areas that we’re not able to gate off, I have never hosted a playgroup. In a few weeks, though, we’re going to be moving into a new home and I do plan on hosting many playgroups once we’re there and we’ll be having friends with kids come over more often as well.

Because it’s our first new home, we’re going to be even more careful about taking great care of our home. Of course, we won’t expect or ask guests to treat it with as much care as we do (e.g., we wouldn’t dream of asking them to take their shoes off, even though we will), but I am wondering if there’s some way that I can prevent their kids from destroying our home and furniture without coming across as rude or inhospitable.

Do you have any good suggestions or input on this? I know that a messed-up house might come with being a parent, but I really don’t want to resent any friends for allowing their kids to stain our new carpets or sofa. Any help or insight you could give me would be greatly appreciated.

[JenaW]

I am the same way you are. We have very few expensive things, but we take pride in what we have. We DO take our shoes off in our house, and I have absolutely no qualms about asking others to do the same. In fact, when I had a few moms and kids over recently, I told them on the phone that we don't wear our shoes in the house and they might want to bring slippers/socks etc. This may not fly with Ms. Manners - but hey, I don't want my carpets ruined. As for your furniture, maybe a couch cover or something that can be taken off and washed after they leave? We have leather which cleans up nicely, but for cloth, a slipcover would be fine. As for eating in the living room/playroom - my cousin has all white carpet in her house (an insane thing IMO with four kids). When she has other kids over, she uses a picnic blanket with a waterproof bottom. She spreads it out and makes a game out of it. "All the food/drinks stay on the blanket, like we are outside at a picnic!" Then after everyone leaves, all spills/crumbs are contained and easily wiped up.

Just some thoughts....hopefully others will have some more. As far as "messed-up houses coming with being a parent" - I agree to a point. I am much more lax about toys, etc., but I don't feel I have to compromise with stains/food crumbs, crayons, etc.


Jera
Mom to Carter ~ 05.13.03
Cautiously pregnant with #2 ~ EDD 10.13.04

[lisams]

That's tough! I can handle kids walking around with sippy cups with water and cups of cheerios, but beyond that I would be irritated. What I did do when the babies in my playgroup were younger and still in that spit-up stage was took an old king sized comforter and laid it down in the main area where the kids would be playing. Of course that worked because none of the babies were mobile.

Good luck - I sure hope your playgroup is respectful to your new home!

Lisa

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I jsut wanted to say I could have written this post word for word...
Before T a neighbor came over with her child and he went to some decorative otomans that are clearly decoration...they are gold color gorgeous fabric (Schooner is sitting on them on my web site) and they are positioned "just so" under a decorative desk. She actually tried to pull them out from there so her 2 year old could "sit" on them since he wanted to...UGHHHHH!!!!!!! I don't even sit on them, and my home is filled FILLED with chairs to sit on...

Anyway I look forward to what is said, for I go thru the same feelings...
Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[flagger]

How old are the kids that are coming? I am in one that the age ranges from 5 mos to just at 2 years. It is a mix of infant/crawlers and toddler/walkers. Luckily everyone in this group is very respectful of each other.

I cannot imagine wearing my shoes in someone else's home much less my own. I have no qualms asking people if they would remove theirs and their children's. I also have no problems correcting other people's children in my own home if their parents are not going to do it. I could care less if they are allowed to do it in their own home or someone else's. I also could care less if it offends someone because of what I expect in my own home. If they are offended by that, I really don't consider them "Friends" anyway.

[khakismom]

I have a friend who *always* asks when she is in other's houses, "is eating/drinking outside the kitchen OK?" I love this and wish everyone did it, but no one else I know does.

I also would have no qualms telling people to take off their shoes. We just finished our basement and our neighbors came over with their 2 DDs who have the filthiest shoes ever seen. You bet I told them shoes off.

Same with eating and drinking. In my house it's only done in the kitchen. I would absolutely inform the moms and dads of that rule, and if they didn't enforce it with their own kids, I would. I don't mind toys being scattered but to me, food and drinks belong in the kitchen.

[justlearning]

The ages range from 3 months to 3 years old, with most in the 1-2 year old range. It's interesting to hear you and another say that you don't mind asking people to take their shoes off. I guess I'm too much of a chicken to do so! :) I also worry about offending others because these aren't really good friends yet. We're new to town so I'm trying to develop friendships, so I'm still in that "getting to know" you stage with many of those in the playgroup and wouldn't consider them close friends. Thus, I think that makes me more uncomfortable about asking them to not have their kids do something in my home than I would with closer friends. Also, it's a playgroup that I recently joined and I've seen that the others who host it in their homes don't seem concerned with getting their stuff messed up (they allow their kids to behave in the same way). That also makes me worry more about coming across as too uptight (which I freely admit, I may be!). An easy answer may be to say to find another playgroup with moms who respect property the same way I do, but that doesn't seem to be a good answer either as I do really like all of the moms in this group despite our differences in the management of our children.

I appreciate the suggestions given in this thread so far and look forward to any additional responses. I'm really excited that we'll have a nice house with plenty of room to have people over--I just wish I weren't so nervous about the repercussions of doing so.

[justlearning]

We also have the same eating and drinking rule (want to come over for a playgroup, Maureen? ;) ). I'm wonderng, though--how do you inform your friends of this rule? Do I just say it when I serve refreshments the first time I invite them over? What's the best way to word it?

It's interesting--I'm realizing something about myself in this thread. I'm realizing that I am one of those people who probably cares way too much about what others think of me and who worries too much that I may offend someone or come off as not nice, etc. Maybe this is part of my problem... I wish I could feel as comfortable as all of you at making your desires known without worrying about what others might think. It is difficult, though, when I don't know these women that much and thus don't want informing them of rules to be part of their first impression of me.

[brubeck]

Anne we also take our shoes off in my house. As a few of the BBB Moms can attest, I make EVERYONE take off their shoes, even service people (or I get them to wear those little baggies on their shoes). I use as an excuse that we still have a child young enough to crawl/pick things up off the carpet and ingest them. I think Moms respect this reason more.

The real reason of course is that I grew up in a house where we did not wear shoes and now the idea of it disgusts me. How can you walk out after a shower in clean bare feet and then be walking on the stuff that has wiped off your shoes? I HATE hotel rooms for this very reason.

So when people come over, the moment they arrive I say, "Would you mind removing your shoes please?". No one has ever said no except for one woman who was on crutches and had problems without her shoe on. Well she certainly didn't walk around enough to really mess up the house! If they look at me funny I give the baby excuse. :)

For food and drink, I am a bit more lax, but you can control this somewhat. Only offer drinks in sippies, and whatever snacks you give out make them easily cleaned up (eg: apple slices, Cheerios) by a vacuum or carpet sweeper. When we got a wooden coffee table I taught my 2 year old to put her sippy on a coaster. Now she is a coaster Nazi. If ANYONE puts down a drink she will say, "You need a coaster!" and pull one out and put their drink on it. Perhaps you can train some of the toddlers in the playgroup for this! :)

For crayons I leave them out on the kitchen table and I tell everyone as they sit down that the rule is that crayons stay at the table. I tell this to the KIDS (not the Moms, although they are in earshot) and it works well. It's usually enough to get Moms to watch their kids to make sure that they don't leave with them. If I am worried about the table I get washable crayons and/or I use a paper tablecloth that the kids can draw on.

Remember, it is YOUR home. If you want to institute rules about how kids behave then that is your perrogative. Perhaps if you are uncomfortable doing this you could have a smaller group over: say 2 Moms informally at a time. Then when you invite the whole group over they have all been before and know your rules.

And sure, they might think you are uptight, but they may also be impressed with your beautiful home. :)

Good luck!

[Melanie]

We don't have too many children over, we mostly meet other places (there's one idea), but when we do I usually put up things that I care a lot about. I also have one area of the home which is gated off, so I'll put things in there. As for the furniture, that's not aproblem for us, we care for it, but it's pretty family-friendly. I think if a child came in from the yard with muddy shoes I'd just intercept them and say, "okay honey, let's take your shoes off so you can play" and not wait for the parent.

[papal]

Anne, i am exactly like you in this respect.. sometimes i want to be straightforward and frank.. but the PeoplePleaser in me does not allow it... I am working on it. Just wanted you to know that.

As for the shoes thing, i have found that almost all people ask if it is ok to wear their shoes inside...i am sure your playgroup people will do the same. Keep a couple of shoes near the door as a HINT.

This is an interesting thread. My dad is very 'strict' about kids coming to his house. He 'tells off' the parents if the kids are jumping on sofas or fiddling with remotes. He does not say anything to the kids because this often offends the parents.

Sorry my thoughts are so scattered.

[khakismom]

I would love to come over Anne! :)

Do the moms RSVP that they will be attending? If so, perhaps then you could say "Just to let you know, we like to keep all eating and drinking in the kitchen." Or address the kids when serving them for the first time--"OK, kids, let's keep these in the kitchen," or something less lame sounding. LOL!

As for shoes, if you don't want to ask them to take them off, maybe say "Would you mind really wiping your feet? We just had the carpets cleaned. Thanks so much, I really appreciate it!"

And I don't think anyone would be offended. If they are, not to sound too harsh, but that's their problem. Everyone has different rules in their house, and they need to respect yours (even if they don't like 'em) if they're going to come over.

Good luck sweetie--hope your first time goes off without a hitch! :)

[bluej]

"When we got a wooden coffee table I taught my 2 year old to put her sippy on a coaster. Now she is a coaster Nazi. If ANYONE puts down a drink she will say, "You need a coaster!" and pull one out and put their drink on it. Perhaps you can train some of the toddlers in the playgroup for this!"

Okay, Ethan is too young to do that yet, but yes, 'train' him to instruct people how to respect your furnishings! It's great! No one can argue with a two year old who wants to keep the furniture nice! Caden has always been coaster obsessed as well and Alex always puts the pillows and throws back 'just so' when she's done lounging on the couch. Other kids (and adults) will follow your child's example (usually). I know that doesn't help you right now, but it's great for in a year or two.

[egoldber]

I don't make people take off shoes in my home, butlots of pthers moms in my playgroup do and no one has ever had a problem with it.

For playgoup, I remove the vast majority of our toys and just leave out a few. I NEVER leave out crayons, markers, chalk, etc.

I also only serve snacks that are easily cleanable. Think pretzels and Cheerios, not yogurt and applesauce. :)

Fortunately all the moms in my playgroup are really respectful of each others homes. Jumping on furniture is not tolerated. Now that our kids are older (and faster than we are), we help to "police" each others kids a bit. I would personally have no trouble telling another kid "oh no, we don't jump on the sofa...."

HTH,

[StaceyKim]

I wish I had answers for you! I think it has to do with the parent mostly because all kids can act up. I have had a few situations where I had to step in to discipline other peoples children. Their kids were JUMPING on our furniture WITH shoes and crawling through our double sided fireplace. Of course the parents pretended like nothing was unusual! I had to tell them to stop. Needless to say I am not having them over any time soon. I find it extremely disrespectful of the PARENTS to ALLOW their kids to behave this way in other peoples homes. I know as a kid I was SO CAREFUL when I was in another persons home because that is how I was brought up.

For my DS's birthday we blocked off the dining room and living room areas just to keep some areas SAFE. For the most part all the kids were really well behaved (except for a few). No damage was done! Whew!!! I don't allow any kind of colored juice at my house just for that purpose...ONLY water. Maybe you could make that a rule for playdates? We usually take our shoes off in our house for sanitary reasons but not for the party.

My mother always said "use, NOT abuse". You want to be able to enjoy your house and have friends over. I personally don't think I would invite people over again if they abused my house. That's just me.

I am planning on using my basement for playdates in the future. It's all carpeted and we have no furniture down there yet. The kids can run around and play with toys. If I serve food putting down a blanket of some sort is a great idea.

[spu]

How about planning a playdate outside in your yard... that way no kids even need to enter... I'm the same way as you. I'm appalled at how parents let their kids run rampant in our house. ugh!

Otherwise, I don't host playgroups unless I know the parents and kids well, and other than that, we meet at public places instead - playgrounds, malls, museums...

Lots of great ideas in these posts!


susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte + else

http://sunger2.home.comcast.net/bash/nonflash/year.html

[Momof3Labs]

We put in hardwood floors instead of carpet to help keep things easier to clean, and leather wipes up easily, too, so that's something to consider longer-term as you replace furniture, flooring, etc.

I usually address my request to the child instead of the parent (though loud enough so that the parent hears). And rather than saying what they can't do, say what they can do. Like when DH's friend's holy terror of a son plunked on my couch with a plateful of birthday cake, I asked him if he could please sit on the (hardwood) floor and eat it. If a child has grape juice or something nasty, ask them to sit on the kitchen floor and drink it. I've been pretty lucky that most of the parents have only brought water to my house (which I don't worry about, again with hardwood floors). You can even "serve" sippies of water and bowls of Cheerios if you want to stick to water and dry snacks.

You can even ask the child (instead of the parent) to take their shoes off when they come in the house, or as they walk in the door, lean down and say to the child "here, let me help you take your shoes off and make you comfy". I doubt that any of the moms will stop you and say no, leave them on!

Definitely remove anything that could be remotely tempting and problematic, and don't put out crayons, markers, play doh, anything that can make a mess.

And if this continues to be a problem, then reconsider the playgroup - it might not be worth the stress in the long run!

[lukkykatt]

This is exactly what I do (by directing requests to the kids), and it has never been a problem at all. All of the moms of the playgroups that I go to have different house rules, and everyone abides by the rules of whatever house we are in.

To keep things simple, I usually don't have out crayons, markers,chalk, bubbles etc. - or if I do, it is in the kitchen or outside. We also usually agree beforehand if this is something we are going to do so kids can dress accordingly. I also try to limit the toys out with lots of pieces.

I think that when you do host the group, if you find people are not listening to you (which I really think they will) I would re-evaluate if those are the kinds of people you want to hang out with. Or plan activities in your backyard or at neutral locations (mall, library, etc) when it is your turn to host.

I really think if you start out with a clear message from day 1, no one will think anything of it at all.

[ShayleighCarsensMom]

We too belong to a playgroup and some homes are trashed....
Others are very neat...but when we get together a lot of parents seem to not watch their kids very closely and last time I hosted we had chocolate chip cookies smeared on the wall and a child on his first day of pottytraining peed on my DD's carpet, not once, but twice!!!!!!!!!
I have no problems speaking up or even asking child to eat in the kitchen (heck, I even broke out the dustbuster while they were still here, I just oculdnt stand it any more!).
You could also put a note on the door asking people to kindly remove their shoes. I would never dream of wearing shoes in my house with a baby and a toddler...
On the other hand, I am a former neat freak who has slacked quite a bit due to having kids...my house is not as clean anymore, but its not dirty. And I have two very happy children to show for it!

[justlearning]

Ironically, after my post today, I just experienced the exact thing I fear could happen at our house. We attended a meeting at a friend's house tonight and even volunteered at the beginning to host it at our house a few times in the future. Well, at the end of the night, I was regretting my offer due to what happened.

Although the kids were being watched by a babysitter in the basement most of the night, they all came up at the end. Well, in the course of 30 minutes, apple juice had been spilled all over the floor and all over the coffee table (the moms of the offenders didn't even seem to notice--I was again the one who wiped it all up), a beautiful decorative vase was nearly thrown down on the floor by a toddler who had climbed up to get it, another toddler peed on the floor because his mom didn't get him into the bathroom quick enough, kids were climbing up on chairs with their shoes on, and other kids were chasing each other around the house, knocking things over as they ran.

Now, the friend who was hosting it has hardwood floors so she doesn't mind the messes on her floor because they wipe up easily (I do wish we could have all hardwood floors in our house but, alas, we're stuck with mostly carpeted floors). She also lets her daughter run around with drinks and food too, so she doesn't seem to mind the other kids doing the same. But I was completely stressed out seeing the kids tear up her place. I talked with DH about it on the way home and he agrees that we're going to have to be clear about stating the rules of our house if we are going to host such gatherings, but we're afraid that damage might occur anyways. It is a balance between wanting to use our house without having it abused... Maybe I do just need to look for a circle of friends who control their kids better and show more respect for others' property...

It's been very helpful to read all of your responses as well as get tips for ways to protect our home. I actually thought that I'd get a lot of responses saying that I just need to realize that kids will be kids and that I need to get used to having stained carpets and furniture. When I told DS about my post, I asked him to predict the responses. He also predicted that I'd hear that I just need to lighten up basically. Thus, it's really helpful for us to hear that we're not being unreasonable to ask others to treat our home with respect--or to try to direct others' kids to do so. My hope, too, is that the more that others see how we act at their houses, the more that they will want to respect our property in a similar manner.

Thanks so much for all your input! I'll let you know later on how the tips worked.

[AngelaS]

I hosted a playgroup. Once. 5 years ago and never again.

If I want to get together with my friends, I call them and say, "Let's do lunch in the park." I see my friends, the girls see their friends and my house does not get trashed by a bunch of children who's parents feel it's okay to let them act as if they were raised by wolves.....

[parkersmama]

Ditto that, Angela. I never, ever host a playgroup. If we have friends over, it's one family at a time. Or things are completely under my control (like a birthday party where I'm in charge of when they eat, what they do, etc.).

That being said, most of our friends are very respectful. The worst we've ever had happen is one friend's kid who has broken several of our toys by not being careful enough.

We wear our shoes in the house and I only ask those with very dirty shoes to take theirs off. Of course, many people do it without even thinking out of kindness. We have very light beige carpet and it's in great condition. I think the secret is cleaning up spills quickly rather than being overly worried about spills happening. But, in our house, the children are not allowed to eat or drink outside the kitchen. That really helps with the carpet!

And, BTW, I cannot believe how rude some of these folks are in the stories being told! Yikes! People, control your children!!!

[bluej]

Oh my gosh! I cannot believe someone would start potty training on a day where they aren't home ALL DAY!!!! You don't start potty training in someone else's home! Gross!