do you like Burton L. White's books?

[kristine_elen]

I've been reading "Raising a Happy, Unspoiled Child" and "The First Three Years of Life" and I'm getting frustrated because I feel like he just lays out a lot of information about what babies and toddlers are like, but offers almost no advice or guidance for the parents.

In the Unspoiled Child book, for example, he talks about a toddler who makes sure his mom is watching, then jumps up and down on the coffee table. But not a word on how the mom is supposed to react.

He also says this is a make-or-break time in helping to form your child's personality and temperment, then doesn't say what we're supposed to do. Clearly I don't need books to explain every little thing to me, but aren't we reading these for guidance?

Have you found his books helpful? Maybe I'm just missing something. Luckily someone handed them down to me and I didn't have to pay for them.

[C99]

I like Unspoiled Child..., which is the only one of his books I've read. I like how he offers a lot of examples of what are normal developmental behaviors and patterns for a given age range. And I like that although he doesn't give a lot of specific instructions, he does give some. I feel like he's giving you enough information on what your child is doing to come up with a solution on your own, but also gives you specific ideas for particularly trying situations. Like with the toddler who jumps on the table... I figure that this is what is developmentally normal for his age and that's fine. Not a lot you *can* do. If Nate does something naughty that he knows he's not supposed to do and looks to make sure that I am watching him and the act isn't dangerous, I ignore him and he quickly stops doing it because he doesn't get a reaction. Burton White uses this example in the section on negativitism, in which he does give instructions on what to do.

I agree that at times White is vague, but I think it's because he's treating his readership in the same way that he went about his parenting programs: he let the parents make mistakes rather than telling them what to do in every situation. That's my take on it, anyway.

[Sarah1]

I agree with Caroline's take on it. Although it's general, I like Unspoiled Child because it's helped me understand the mindset of a toddler. Just being more knowledgeable about Audrey from a developmental perspective helps me make better decisions.

I will also add that I've started reading "1-2-3 Magic" which is a book Beth (egoldberg) has recommended several times. Although it's too early to start using it with Audrey, I really like his approach to discipline (he lays out VERY specific strategies). Actually, there are elements of it that I've already used with her (i.e. he has a "no emotion, no talking" rule) that I've already had success with in certain situations (i.e., putting Audrey in her stroller when she'd rather walk.)

Also, FWIW, I started reading Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler" and didn't like it AT ALL. Although he gives very specific strategies, I just didn't see myself getting comfortable using them.

[deborah_r]

I remember being frustrated because he would lay out a bunch of scenarios and information and say that htese things for problems...and "later" he will give some advice on how to handle it. I can't rembmer if he directed you to the section or if you just had to read cover to cover to make sure you didn't miss it, but I do remember finding that part very frustrating!

[amp]

Arrgh! DH & I are reading the Unspoiled child book and keep saying the same thing! We get what he's saying about what we want and don't want in a child, but he gives me no concrete info about how best to handle most of the things he is talking about. I feel like we are passing the crucial period while I contemplate the book and what to do! I think we are good parents and reasonably intelligent people who don't really need step by step instrucions in all aspects of parenting, but geez, I wouldn't be reading the book if I knew how to do all this! I want more concrete info on what to do and not to do.

[Karenn]

I do like White's books. I've read both of them. But I also remember feeling a little frustrated about the lack of detail and specific advice. In retrospect, (can I say that when Colin is only almost 2? ;) ) I feel like the most important parts of the book came from helping me to have realistic, age appropriate expectations for behavior. Had I not read his books, I think it would have been much easier for me to say, "Oh he doesn't understand how to behave at this young age." After reading his books I felt more confident that I could, and should set limits, even with a crawling baby. How to set those limits was up to me though. Overall, I think the books provided more of a foundational philosophy than an step by step guide.

Still, I remember thinking, "Eek! He's saying this is 'make it or break it time' and he's hardly offered any practical advice!" I don't want to speak TOO soon, but I think we have passed some of the horrible behavior that he talks about and I am starting to see the happy two year old that he promises. And, we did it without anymore information than he gives in his book (except for a few bits of sage advice about tantrums from BTDT parents on this board!)

Of course I'll probably pay for saying all that in another couple of months when Colin actually turns 2. :)

[kristine_elen]

For what it's worth, I much prefer Penelope Leach. I love her book "Your Baby and Child." I'm also reading her "Babyhood" book, but I find it's so similar to the other that one need not read both.

[peanut4us]

I think that I might have had a different expectation going into his books. I've read them both (Unspoiled and the 1st 3 years). I read them after a long stint of reading every sleep book for babies known to man... those were so frustrating either they didn't tell you waht to do or they told you some tripe that is what any idiot would already be doing...

From that perspetive, I loved his books and still refer to them. In Unspoiled, he talks about using immobility as a method of discipline for younger children and it works absolute wonders. The rest of the book for me was learning what I can expect of Sara. I found that I short changed her a lot... thinking she was too little to understand etc. Once I realized that she could understand some things I had taken for granted, I used the immobility thing with her and within a week, it was virtually gone. She only reverts to those bad habits when she is super tired and even then it is rare. Don't get me wrong, she can throw a hissy like the best of them, but now I really can grasp where my boundaries are in knowing what she can understand and cannot.

I think his books are not really meant to be a troubleshooting guide per se... where you look for solutions to FAQs, KWIM? I think his approach is to teach you the details of how they tick... because then you will understand what they are capable of and what kinds of discipline would be most effective for their age.

Just my 2 cents, but I liked em.