himom
05-09-2004, 11:26 PM
DH's grandmother passed away today. (Yes, Mother's Day. I feel so badly for him.)
I have a problem now that I need help with, but in order to help you need a long family history. So....
A few years ago Grandpa had a stroke. DH and I flew in from 6,000 miles away to be with him for a few days, say goodbye, etc. He passed away about 3 weeks later. We later found out that neither of his daughters, who both lived about 10 minutes from the hospital, had bothered to go visit him for the two weeks before he died. They also didn't take Grandma, who was wheelchair bound, to go see him. So he died alone. The daughters didn't want to have a funeral so since Grandpa owns a plot here and a big chunk of his family and friends are here, DH and I put together a memorial service for him. Later his aunt contacted us to say thank you for the service and to incidentally ask what we were going to do with the money we received as gifts. She wanted it to "hold" it for her mom. We told her no thank you. We spent it on plane tickets for Grandma, rent for Grandma, bought her some stuff, etc. Then AIL offered to do the thank you cards but told us we had to send them money to buy stamps so they could mail them.
At this point MIL took over care of Grandma. For a long time we couldn't find them. Their phone was disconnected and MIL stopped showing up to her job. We kept trying and trying but they were out of contact for months. We called AIL (aunt in-law) to see if she knew what was going on since she lives about 6 blocks away from them. She didn't. MIL has a history of depression and is probably struggling with some other disorders we don't know about. She locks herself in her room and doesn't come out for days sometimes--even when DH was little she didn't take care of him so he would have to dig through the cupboards and eat sugar and cream packets until she snapped out of it and got him some food. Like I said, they're messed up.
So of course we worried about where they were and what was happening. We ended up calling a social worker up there, who took one look at Grandma and made her a ward of the state. She had evidently been neglected, couldn't get to a toilet, didn't get food, other really awful stuff. MIL had nothing to say for herself -- the social worker tried to get her into a program to get her some help but she refused it. AIL called us to complain that MIL abused her mother and that she can't believe it. Whatever. We contacted her at least 5 times over those months to ask her what was going on, ask her to check on Grandma, etc but she was always too busy or too tired or had a new job or whatever and could never go. She knew what was happening and just didn't want to deal with it.
Grandma was put into a nursing home, AIL moved across the country, and MIL went back into her funk. No one visited Grandma except DH's cousins, who tried to make it by every few weeks.
AIL had power of attorney and the nursing home wouldn't release info to us, so we were stuck depending on her to find out how Grandma was.
AIL would send us emails like oh, I got a new job, my garden is nice, we are making more money, etc then would end it with a two-line paragraph about how she was thinking about pulling Grandma off a feeding tube. My favorite one (note the heavy sarcasm here) was the one about how the weather was nice and she wanted to go on vacation, oh and by the way Grandma is down to 90 pounds and is refusing food. WHAT? That didn't warrant a phone call, it's own email, or at least enough importance for the first paragraph?
I think DH was almost relieved to hear that she had passed away. She can be with Grandpa now and is away from all the crap that had surrounded her for the past 3 years.
There's more, but if you made it this far I don't want to scare you off. Thanks for putting up with me far enough to hear the actual problem:
We can't get in touch with MIL, since she's gone again. AIL called us and asked us to take care of a memorial. We are happy to do this, because in those times when DH was neglected as a kid his grandparents are the ones who kept him alive, taught him, played with him, etc. But...what do we do with the money? We will use it for funeral expenses, but there will very likely be some leftover. We already know that AIL will ask for it, since it was such a big issue for her with Grandpa's funeral. We wonder if we shouldn't try to get half to MIL. AIL hates MIL "for what she did to my Mom" and is a very money oriented person so it'll be fun telling her we're giving half to MIL.
A small, vicious part of me wants to tell both of them they can't have any of it since they were both just HORRIBLE daughters to both those sweet old people. They would never let us interfere or help, but I feel so badly that we didn't try harder to override them. I want to just keep all the money and give it to Grandma's brothers and sisters, or start a memorial for her, or ANYTHING but let those two have it.
I keep telling myself it's probably a psychological disease that runs in the family and they might not be wholly responsible for the way they treated their parents, blah blah. But another part of me knows that AIL in particular just didn't see what was in it for her. She didn't benefit from helping them, so she didn't help them.
The biggest part of me is just grieving and angry for DH, wishing I could punish those two for doing this to him. Maybe I just needed to vent, but I still could use some advice on what to do with any leftover $$$.
Thanks to the brave souls who got this far!
Jodi
Mommy to Joshua, born February 2003
I have a problem now that I need help with, but in order to help you need a long family history. So....
A few years ago Grandpa had a stroke. DH and I flew in from 6,000 miles away to be with him for a few days, say goodbye, etc. He passed away about 3 weeks later. We later found out that neither of his daughters, who both lived about 10 minutes from the hospital, had bothered to go visit him for the two weeks before he died. They also didn't take Grandma, who was wheelchair bound, to go see him. So he died alone. The daughters didn't want to have a funeral so since Grandpa owns a plot here and a big chunk of his family and friends are here, DH and I put together a memorial service for him. Later his aunt contacted us to say thank you for the service and to incidentally ask what we were going to do with the money we received as gifts. She wanted it to "hold" it for her mom. We told her no thank you. We spent it on plane tickets for Grandma, rent for Grandma, bought her some stuff, etc. Then AIL offered to do the thank you cards but told us we had to send them money to buy stamps so they could mail them.
At this point MIL took over care of Grandma. For a long time we couldn't find them. Their phone was disconnected and MIL stopped showing up to her job. We kept trying and trying but they were out of contact for months. We called AIL (aunt in-law) to see if she knew what was going on since she lives about 6 blocks away from them. She didn't. MIL has a history of depression and is probably struggling with some other disorders we don't know about. She locks herself in her room and doesn't come out for days sometimes--even when DH was little she didn't take care of him so he would have to dig through the cupboards and eat sugar and cream packets until she snapped out of it and got him some food. Like I said, they're messed up.
So of course we worried about where they were and what was happening. We ended up calling a social worker up there, who took one look at Grandma and made her a ward of the state. She had evidently been neglected, couldn't get to a toilet, didn't get food, other really awful stuff. MIL had nothing to say for herself -- the social worker tried to get her into a program to get her some help but she refused it. AIL called us to complain that MIL abused her mother and that she can't believe it. Whatever. We contacted her at least 5 times over those months to ask her what was going on, ask her to check on Grandma, etc but she was always too busy or too tired or had a new job or whatever and could never go. She knew what was happening and just didn't want to deal with it.
Grandma was put into a nursing home, AIL moved across the country, and MIL went back into her funk. No one visited Grandma except DH's cousins, who tried to make it by every few weeks.
AIL had power of attorney and the nursing home wouldn't release info to us, so we were stuck depending on her to find out how Grandma was.
AIL would send us emails like oh, I got a new job, my garden is nice, we are making more money, etc then would end it with a two-line paragraph about how she was thinking about pulling Grandma off a feeding tube. My favorite one (note the heavy sarcasm here) was the one about how the weather was nice and she wanted to go on vacation, oh and by the way Grandma is down to 90 pounds and is refusing food. WHAT? That didn't warrant a phone call, it's own email, or at least enough importance for the first paragraph?
I think DH was almost relieved to hear that she had passed away. She can be with Grandpa now and is away from all the crap that had surrounded her for the past 3 years.
There's more, but if you made it this far I don't want to scare you off. Thanks for putting up with me far enough to hear the actual problem:
We can't get in touch with MIL, since she's gone again. AIL called us and asked us to take care of a memorial. We are happy to do this, because in those times when DH was neglected as a kid his grandparents are the ones who kept him alive, taught him, played with him, etc. But...what do we do with the money? We will use it for funeral expenses, but there will very likely be some leftover. We already know that AIL will ask for it, since it was such a big issue for her with Grandpa's funeral. We wonder if we shouldn't try to get half to MIL. AIL hates MIL "for what she did to my Mom" and is a very money oriented person so it'll be fun telling her we're giving half to MIL.
A small, vicious part of me wants to tell both of them they can't have any of it since they were both just HORRIBLE daughters to both those sweet old people. They would never let us interfere or help, but I feel so badly that we didn't try harder to override them. I want to just keep all the money and give it to Grandma's brothers and sisters, or start a memorial for her, or ANYTHING but let those two have it.
I keep telling myself it's probably a psychological disease that runs in the family and they might not be wholly responsible for the way they treated their parents, blah blah. But another part of me knows that AIL in particular just didn't see what was in it for her. She didn't benefit from helping them, so she didn't help them.
The biggest part of me is just grieving and angry for DH, wishing I could punish those two for doing this to him. Maybe I just needed to vent, but I still could use some advice on what to do with any leftover $$$.
Thanks to the brave souls who got this far!
Jodi
Mommy to Joshua, born February 2003