Do you find it hard not to judge when you see someone doing something you know is dangerous?

[candybomiller]

Or at least do you find it hard not to say something to them? And when I say "you know is dangerous" what I'm saying is that there is research that supports it and pediatricians advise against it.

Kind of curious, because I've run into the same situation twice tonight and am having a hard time holding my tongue.

[JenCA]

Most intelligent people, I believe, have studied the research(whatever "the research" is), drawn their own conclusions, and made the best possible decisions for their situation/families. :)

[candybomiller]

I guess my thinking is that people pick different things to research and concentrate on, so I'm wondering if perhaps sharing some of my obsessive compulsive research would be helpful.

No, it wouldn't. I'm just being a buttinski. People make their own choices.

But on the other had, if the situation were dangerous and something happened to the child and I didn't say anything, I would feel incredibly guilty....

LOL! As my husband says, I really don't need another person to have an argument with!

[redhookmom]

I would be open to your opinion. It is all in the presentation. "My pediatrician advised me against that so I ended up..."

[candybomiller]

So I could say something like:

All the research I've read and my pediatrician recommend taking the crib bumpers out of the crib as soon as your child is able to roll over"

and you wouldn't take offense to that?

Not YOU personally, but you in the larger metaphysical sense.
It's getting late, I'm making crap up now. LOL.

[redhookmom]

I was afraid you were talking about me!! The bumper is still firmly attached to my DD's crib. Not only can she roll over but she can stand up and yell "OUTSIDE, OUTSIDE, OUTSIDE!" I don't think I knew that bumpers were dangerous when she was an infant. Are they dangerous now? I am not offended. I guess I would feel cornered rather then offended if I knew better and was doing it anyway.

[JenCA]

Well, I had a feeling that your OP was in response to the picture I posted of my DD in her crib, and apparently, I was right.

If the research you've done and your pediatrician's advice persuaded you to remove your child's crib bumpers as soon as he was able to roll over, well, good. That's what worked for you. I personally do NOT feel that my daughter's crib bumpers are a threat to her well being. She's 9 months old, can crawl, pull up, roll over, and sit up in her crib. It's not a concern for me. Loads of parents on this board co-sleep (which, IMO, is more dangerous than using a crib bumper)--but I don't feel the need to say, "Hey, you're putting your child in danger!" to every person who co-sleeps because I know that those who co-sleep believe that the benefits outweigh the potential risks. And, more importantly, I know that MY beliefs do not outweigh the thoughtfulness and good judgement of other parents on this board. So no, I would not take offense to the statement you posted above--it's your opinion, but it certainly isn't going to make me change mine.

And really, if you have an issue with the crib bumper thing,and it was sparked and/or fed by the picture of my DD that I posted,then by all means, there was no need to skirt around it. You could have posted a response to my thread. I don't bite (well, not hard). ;)


**Edited to fix a couple of typos.**

[himom]

I asked my ped about this and she said as long as the bumpers are tied well, it's no problem. I personally took mine out because DS is a little monkey and I was afraid he could use them as a booster to climb out of the crib. However, my best mommy friend has an equally inventive child, same age, and still has a bumper and a large crop of stuffed animals residing in the crib with her DS.

I'd say this one is one of those "to each his own" things. :D

Jodi
Mommy to Joshua, born February 2003

PS CUTE avatar!

[bluej]

Jen, you are in good company (or at least in my opinion ;) ) of people who've posted cute baby pics involving bumpers. I posted one a few months back of Ryden and his bumpers are the thickest poofiest things you have ever seen. I did hesitate to post the picture, but then I thought, nah, this is who I am, a mommy who uses bumpers, no great shame in that! And no, it didn't bother me for anyone to ask questions on how I felt or why I used bumpers.

[ddmarsh]

When I initially saw your post I thought you were referring to something IRL. When you are talking about here, however, I think for the most part with these major issues (feeding, crib safety, etc.) you can assume that most everyone has seen the information and made their own decisions and I wouldn't say anything. If it were IRL that is a different matter; it seems that many people aren't as well-informed as those here.

FWIW it seems like bumpers are something that people are pretty evenly split.

[Sarah1]

My philosophy is this: I give people the benefit of the doubt that they're making the decisions that are best for them. I don't think it's my place, as a complete outsider, to make any comments or suggestions about their parenting. I may *think* some things, but I would never say them. Even if it's something I don't agree with, I recognize that not everyone is like me, and I would hope others would do me the same courtesy.

I think although you mean well, people might take offense to a comment like your crib bumper one. I probably would, although I would remind myself that you're probably just trying to be helpful (it would still irk me nonetheless!).

[parkersmama]

I think it all depends. Now, isn't that helpful?! LOL!

If we are talking about a IRL situation, I agree that many of those I run into are not very well-informed. They either don't care, don't have the time, or just aren't aware. Taking your statement about the crib bumpers, I would take off the part about "my research" and leave it at "My pediatrician recommended..." I just happen to find it less offensive that way. It's like you're blaming it on your ped rather than making it like a personal declaration. Does that make any sense? I seem to be having trouble making my point. :)

If it's someone on this board, I'd say keep your fingers quiet. Almost everyone here is well-informed of the different opinions and if they wanted to know more, they would ask. If the question is asked, then it would be fine to state your opinion. If it's in response to a pic posted, don't say anything. I agree with someone else who said the crib bumper thing is split 50/50. I don't think they are hazardous and ours are only off the bed because I washed them and was too lazy to put them back on! LOL!

Now, if this has anything to do with a baby not being in a carseat, then all propriety is out the window! Hunt the person down and tell them! I don't mean forward-facing, rear-facing and all that argument...I'm talking about someone who should clearly be restrained in a car and is not. That's just my opinion, I know, but it's where I draw a firm line. :)

[jk3]

We just took the bumpers off but they are going back on. We took them off because I was getting nervous that he might get too adventurous but it's just not working out. His arms + legs keep on getting stuck in the slats and his pacifiers (yes, all 3 or 4 of them!) keep on falling out. Like everything else, there are pros and cons either way + we all know our own children better than anyone else-even well meaning souls!

Jenn
DS 6/3/03

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

I do not say anything to parents UNLESS it is highly highly highly a dangerous thing, and if I do say it it is done in a non judgement way.
Edited to say I have not read responses yet...

I HATE it when people say things to me, like "you really should warm that bottle before you give it to him", "you know they say don't leave your dogs in the same room", "or you know they say your child should sleep in their crib"...There are people who I have in my home who just make me a nervous parent, and due to that I really prefer not to have them here anymore.

I do many things and never for a second do I try to get others to do it. I might educate them while I am changing his diaper as to what this weird contraption is (a pocket CD) but I don't do it for a second trying to get them to consider them. Honestly if they want to wrap a newspaper on their child derriere I don't think I would question it.

I really am amazed at how little I care about what others do when it comes to raising their child. I for one don't care what you feed your child, how you feed your child, when they nap, how they nap...and when I run into strangers and say "is she walking" I really honest to goodness don't even care to know, but up until I came here on the boards I thought that was a nice thing to say but now realize it really isn't. I could care a less if someone doulas, midwifes, has 10 epidurals or none. I am so comfortable with myself and my parenting and my choices in life honest to goodness, that I really am not too interested in telling folks my opinions or even listening to theirs...unless asked!


Neve
http://home.nc.rr.com/ourbabytristan
AKA "mama2be"-forgot password
and Baby Boy Tristan born @UNC
Feb 25, 2003
Brother to 3 pups "gees" and 2 kitties

[JElaineB]

Are you talking about a stranger or someone you know? I have never said anything to a stranger (as far as I know anyway!). I have never seen a kid in IMMEDIATE danger, if I did that might be a different story. I really don't say much to people I know either, but if I was to do that I would say, "I have read..." or "My ped told us to....". I wouldn't say, "You shouldn't do that" directly because most people would take offense to that and definitely wouldn't listen to your message.

Jennifer
mom to Jacob 9/27/02

[lizamann]

I was thinking of the carseat thing when I read the OP because my best friend has her 10 month old twins forward facing. I did mention to her that rear facing is much safer, and she said she knows that, but that they just take short trips around town, and that if they were taking a road trip they would turn them around. I guess I just have to leave it at that and not mention the fact that most accidents happen close to home, but I still wonder if I should say more.

[candybomiller]

I realize now how that could have been construed, but I wasn't talking about either of you!

I think I've learned a good rule of thumb. Unless there's immediate danger, keep mouth shut. Got it.

Sorry if anyone was offended, I wasn't referring to anyone here.

ETA: I guess I assume that people here do their research and make the best decisions for themselves. The main situation I was referring to is my neice and nephew with their barely mobile little girl. They are not the type to research things, but I think the answer is still the same: butt out.

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

[stillplayswithbarbies]

Interesting that I read this today, since I just experienced it this morning, sort of.

I parked at the train station, and in the car next to me there is an infant set with a base. It is pushed up against the seat in front of it so that the part where the baby sits is almost vertical.

I thought about waiting around to see who gets in that car tonight and telling them how dangerous that is, and that an infant is supposed to be at 45 degrees.

But now that I think about it, maybe it's only that way because Dad drove the car today and has to push his seat all the way back and when baby is in the carseat and Mom drives with her seat forward, it lays flat on the seat and all is fine.

So maybe I will chicken out and not say anything.

I did tell my dear friend who has turned her 13 month old forward facing why it is safer to be rear facing. But I'm not going to harp on it. She heard it once and now is hearing it again when she reads this post. :)

...Karen
Jacob Nathaniel Feb 91
Logan Elizabeth Mar 03

[ChicagoMama]

Right, on, Neve!!

I have a GF who can't stop asking and comparing and on and on about every little aspect you mentioned above....it drives me nuts, I won't even talk to her about my kids.

Becky

Mama to DDs Shelby 09/19/02 and Sydney 10/16/03

[suribear]

When it comes to car seat safety, probably yes. Otherwise, it depends. If someone has a pool without any safeguards, I will probably say something. Though I've come across this situation (pool with toddlers and NO safety measures) and I chickened out, but you bet I kept my kid next to me the whole time. To me, it's a cost/benefit thing. Bumpers aren't AS big a safety hazard, IMO. For the record, I did remove mine when dd got mobile, not that she ever slept in the crib LOL If I saw someone using them IRL, I may say something like "Does your dd/ds ever climb up on them?" rather than saying "You're not supposed to use those after your kid can pull up." That way it doesn't come across as judgmental.

Nobody is going to get hurt by a bottle that isn't warmed up or a baby who isn't wearing a hat, or many other things that people do comment on :)

Kris

[flagger]

>Or at least do you find it hard not to say something to them?
> And when I say "you know is dangerous" what I'm saying is
>that there is research that supports it and pediatricians
>advise against it.

I say butt out and let parents parent their children how they best see fit and what works for them. Cocoa slept on her stomach despite all the research from two weeks on and I got grief for that.

I know how it feels to be in the receiving in from some well-meaning and just mean people offering advice. We have done lots of things other parents consider to be not safe and Cocoa is none the worse for wear.

[MinnieMouse]

I generally don't say anything unless it's car seat related. As a technician it is hard for me NOT to say anything.

When I do say something I preface it by saying something like...I don't want to offend you but if there was some kind of accident and I never mentioned this I wouldn't be able to live w/ myself....then go on to talk about whatever the issue is.

I don't say anything when it comes to other topics. Although the family across the street from me needs some serious help in parenting their 2yo in respect of him racing into the middle of the STREET!!! They don't watch him very well at all when out front and usually don't "catch" him until he is directly in the center of the street. I have nightmares about the poor kid getting hit by a car all the time.

Christine

[deborah_r]

Is the one-year and 20 pounds thing only a suggestion, or is it a law? It should be enforced just like seat belt laws IMO.


The thing I keep seeing is cars next to me with infant car seats with the handle up. Maybe it was just my carseat (Peg Perego) that showed exactly how the handles should be for carrying, in the stroller, sitting on a surface, and hooked into the car. Do other seats tell parents this, because I am seeing it all the time!

[MinnieMouse]

For most states it isn't specifically quoted in the law...HOWEVER, most laws state that seats need to be used according to manufacturers instructions (or correctly). Since there aren't any seats on the market that allow a child less than 1 yr and 20lbs to face forward then technically it is against the law.

The majority of infant seats state in the instructions that the handle needs to be down while driving. Two seats, one by Britax and the newer Graco Snugrides both allow using the handle in the carry position while driving. These were both crash tested this way.

I am suspect about Graco changing their position though. The Britax seat has a rebound bar so the seat isn't as likely to rotate towards the back of the car and have the handle break. But the Graco seats don't have this. They recently did come out with a line of add on toys that you can hang on the handle that have been crash tested w/ the seat though, which may have prompted their change in policy. As a tech I share this info w/ the parent and tell them that I STILL recommend all infant seats ride w/ the handle down, but if it isn't specifically prohibited by the manufacturer technically it's okay.

HTH

Christine

[toomanystrollers]

I have "butted-in" - about a huge baby still using a bucket carseat.

[Andrea S]

I agree with you Neve.

My dh is bad about commenting (just to me he never saids anything to them) on things our friends do with their children and I keep telling him every child/parent is different and what we do now with Andrew may not work with our next child.

Andrea
mom to Andrew 8/14/02

[StaceyKim]

It really depends who it is that I am giving advice to. I normally MMOB but if it was my brother I might say something to him because we have that kind of relationship but anyone else I probably wouldn't.
If someone asks me for advice, then it is TOTALLY different.

[StaceyKim]

I totally agree with you Neve especially on the last paragraph!

[tippy]

I wasn't going to post this but...I was dropping off my cable box the other day and a woman pulled up in a car with another woman sitting in the back seat. I didn't notice right away but when the lady got out of the back seat I saw two children (my guess is one was ~ 3 yrs old and the other was ~ 1 year or less. I couldn't help myself and told the driver that it was a law that kids be in a car seat and she told me not to worry the mother holds them on her lap!!! At that point the "mother" came back and I told her the same thing and that it was really dangerous to not use them. She told me not to worry because they were "blessed". I told her that she might be blessed but another driver might not be and therefore an accident was a possibility. She crossed herself and told me not to curse her (I swear I am not making this up!) At that point I wrote down the liscense plate and called 911. I know it may seem extreme but I couldn't help it. I was so concerned for those babies. The police took a statement and said they would run the plate and if possible try and track down the driver (they were gone by then). I asked what would happen if they found her and he said nothing. They would tell her someone reported blah blah blah and just give her a warning. That just freaked me out.

As far as stomach sleeping...I will only say that I had a niece who died of SIDS at 3 months old. I personally tried keeping my son on his back as long as possible (he started turning over when he was about 4 months old and that was pretty much the end of that but he was able to turn both ways at that point). I wouldn't tell another parent what to do or not to do but I do share that experience because it did happen to my sister and our family and it's not something I want to have happen to anyone else.