Depressed about going back to work...when does it get easier?

[Judegirl]

Just wanting to get it out...I go back to work on the 22nd of this month and the dread is hanging over me every single moment of each day. I'm coveting every second with dd, feeling like I'm about to lose so much that I have to cling to the time we have "left."

I know I'm very, very fortunate; I'm only working at the office 3 days a week, and dh works p/t also, so one of us will always be with her. I know the situation is as good as it gets in many ways, and I'm very grateful that we can do this. I don't mean to sound spoiled.

But still...it feels to me like a lot of time to lose with her, and I feel kind of desperate about it. I'm even sad when she's sleeping, wanting her to wake up so I can get more time with her. (No, I don't wake her up!)

I'm a city girl through and through, but part of me is suddenly really romanticizing Little House on the Prairie days! I just want to move to some big plot of land, eat what we grow, spend all day with our family, etc. LOL - this WILL pass, right?

I guess I'm not really looking for anything other than to know that it will get easier. I assume most people go through this when the end of their new-baby leave is over. Am I right? If so...when did it get easier for you?

:(
Jude

Edited to correct grammar! (Sad, I know...but btw, why do people post why they edited?)

[janeybwild]

Hi Jude,
I went through similar feelings when my maternity leave ended. Here is one thing that helped a lot. My (smart) mum would call every day or so and we would say out loud all of the "good" things about returning to work. Things like, Megan will be happier when I am fulfilled, I will have lots to talk to her about when I return, it will allow her to develop close relationships with others (like DH), I am good at what I do, it will make the time we spend together more special etc. Sounds hokey, but it did work to quell the negative feelings. Especially the sadness and guilt (which I must say I didn't really expect to feel). Once I got back into the swing of things at work (about 3 weeks) and had the hang of pumping, it went great. Months later DH said he never realized I was having such a hard time of it (Hugh?! Must have missed all the crying and discussions of should I go back!), so don’t forget to talk about it with you DH so that he has the opportunity to be supportive. Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

p.s. is the editing posting because the message gets bumped to the top and its nice to let people know why it is back at the top?

[hez]

Do you want to hear my honest answer? It got easier when I got back to work the first day and my cube was decorated and there was a mini-welcome back party for me. I felt needed and appreciated by my coworkers. It got harder when I went to pick DS up that day and realized I'd just missed 9 or 10 hours of his life. It got easier when I went to work the next day and got saturated back into my project work because my team didn't replace me-- just absorbed what they could of my projects and gave them back when I got there so I was overwhelmed with interesting and tough work to do. It got harder when I went to pick DS up that night and thought about how much cuddle time the sitter got that day that I didn't. And so forth...

The swings started to even out probably around 6 or 8 weeks back to work. I still think about my decision every week or two. But though that probably makes me sound indecisive, I've been telling myself that making the choice regularly is a lot better than living by default (i.e. this is what I have been doing so this is what I'll keep on doing).

I can't tell you when it might get easier for you, but I can tell you that once our routine got established and I realized how comfortable I was with the care DS was getting, I started relaxing a little more and enjoying life a bit more. I had lunch with a coworker/friend on Thursday and she told me how much happier and in control I looked than when we'd had lunch in February and I'd only been back a few weeks. I take that as a good sign, though I'm pretty sure I'm hiding how out of control I really feel :)

It's more than OK to feel this way, and I personally don't know any mommies who haven't felt like this when leave is up. This has always seemed like a good place to share those feelings because there are mommies around who know how you feel and can send a cyber hug! (((Jude)))

[Puddy73]

The first day was the hardest - I cried all the way to work and had to sit in the car for a few minutes to get myself together before I went into the office. It got a little easier every day as DD and I adjusted to the routine. This may sound horrible, but one thing that helped me was NOT to have any pictures of DD in my office in the beginning. Looking at her picture just made me miss her. It was easier to just bury myself in work and get out of there as soon as possible.

I think it is very normal to feel the way you do - it just means that you are a great Mommy and that you have a great bond with your DD.

Enjoy the rest of your leave and good luck! :)

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle Mae 9/8/03

[Rikkele]

I know how you are feeling! My dd is just 2wk younger than yours (5-17-04) and I had my first day back this past week. I too was dreading it tremendously! We have similar situations in that I am also going back part time (just 2 days a week) and DH will stay home with her and go into work when i get home. I felt like a big baby to complain about such a short period of time away compared to some.
In all honesty I must say it was not nearly as bad as I had anticipated. I kept telling myself that it would be good for dd and dh to have time together. I have to admit that I did cheat a little and dh brought her to visit me for 5 mins in the middle of the day! But other than that I found it easier to not call home during the day - I thought if I call and she is crying it will kill me! If I had any down time I just surfed the Boards instead of calling home.
I don't know when it gets easier but I'm sure it is a little better day by day. Just wanted to let you know that for me it wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. I'm sure in the long run it will really be what's best for all of you (you, dh and dd).

Good luck! I will be thinking of you on the 22nd as I have to work that day too! :(

[cdmamatutu]

I know exactly how you feel. I went back part-time when ds was 6 wks old, and cried the whole way to work for the first few weeks. After several months, dh and I decided that it wasn't worth all that anguish for my part-time position (which I loved, btw). We cut back on expenses and now I'm home full-time with 2 sweet kids. A dream job! :) Not very glamorous, to be sure, but the kids and I couldn't be happier. And dh is thrilled that I'm not a sobbing mess all the time. :)

I hope things work out better for you! Sometimes I think it would have been easier to go back to work full-time. Supportive friends and co-workers will help lots, though. And as your kids get more independent, you will find yourself letting them go a little more. Just takes time, I guess. :)

I suppose this wasn't the kind of encouragement you were hoping for...sorry! LOL! I'll stop now.

[peanut4us]

Jude--the short answer is that some days are easier and some aren't. Seriously this last week, I almost cried when I left the house and I've been BACK to work since, um, last September LOL!

Seriously, I've got a great situation too... DH is a SAHD, and it relieves me to no end knowing that Miss Sara is home with her daddy. They come and see me, call me, send me silly pictures. I love that. I also love that I get to hear about every last detail of her day when i get home.

Some days, work is great and fulfilling, but some days, there is nothing that oculd be better than being home with the wee one.

The really hard part is the first few weeks... by mid August, you'll be in a routine and you'll be coveting all your wonderful moments with your sweet babe.

Hang in there honey. You can do it!

[JLiebCamm]

The anticipation of returning was the worst part. It made me sick to my stomach! The first day back was also very hard. But once you know that everything is running well with your baby and the sitter (or your DH)it takes away alot of the stress. Then you are just left with the constant conflict of wanting to be with your child but wanting or needing to work!

[Judegirl]

Thanks you all for empathizing...I wish I weren't going back, but it's the best decision for all of us. It makes it a little bit easier to know that others have gone through it...

Jude

[barbarhow]

Jude-The first days are the hardest. I got a speeding ticket on my way to daycare the very first day. Actually, I just got a warning because I started crying and told him it was my first day back and I was running late and I didn't even want to leave my baby, etc. I think he realized it was going to be alot easier for himself to just give me a warning, IYKWIM. I dropped Jack at daycare and he couldn't have cared less-he was 3 months old and I think he slept through the drop off which totally made me feel unneeded. I cried all the rest of the drive. Then I got to work and my boss thought it was a good idea to send me in to see a woman who had just given up her child for adoption and evaluate her for depression. My sadistic and resentful coworker along with my boss decided that I should "jump right back into things". So yeah. The first day really sucks.
There is no magic time period for when you will feel better. As long as you are comfortable with your childcare situation and like your job, the transition probably won't be too bad. I think it took me about a month. However, as a pp said, I still have some days when I cry dropping him off. He loves his daycare providers and has a ball there but somedays I wish I were just hanging with him.
Big hugs to you.
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03