Why have more than one child?

[olim]

DH and I are both only children and each of us had different experiences. DH loved being an only child and feels that we should only have Madeline. That way we can give her all of our attention and love instead of having to distribute between children. He feels that she will be more confident and will feel truly loved because of all of our attention. However, I HATED being an only child. I was terribly lonely and shy and always wanted a sibling to play with and confide in. Having not had a sibling, I know that my idea of a sibling is a bit romanticised and not all brothers and sisters get along. But, I can't help feel that even if they don't get along that there must be some comfort knowing that there is someone out there that shares the same or similar history .

DH says that Madeline doesn't need a sib. because she can have lots of close friends. But, I don't think that close friendships can replace the closeness that is shared among family members. Can it? I have close friends who would do anything for me, but I don't think it is the same thing as having a sibling. My friends can't help me when my mother goes off on one of her tangents, or help me when the time comes to carry out my parents last wishes.

Since neither DH or I have any siblings there aren't any cousins or aunts and uncles, basically her family consists of me, her father and both sets of grandparents. Once we are all gone, she will be all alone in the world and it makes me so sad to think of that.

How can I convince DH that Madeline should have a sibling? Or if you feel strongly that being an only child is the way to go, I would love to hear from you too.

Any thoughts on the subject are appreciated.


SAHM to Madeline Penelope Jan. 9 2004

[kristine_elen]

We were just talking about this last night. My husband says he does want a second, but is worried about money. I was an only child, like you, and always wanted a sibling. I have all the same thoughts you do: Even if they're not best friends (and maybe they will be) there will be someone out there with whom they have a very special bond. When we get older and it's time to put us in a home or whatever happens, Jack would have someone to share in that burden. I do also think it helps kids adjust socially and be more outgoing, although maybe your husband disproves that theory. Plus, Jack was so much fun (well, maybe not at 3 a.m.) that it'd be fun to experience that again and add to the love in the household.

[MelissaTC]

I guess it depends on how you raise your children. DH has a sister but they hardly speak. They were never close and their parents didn't do anything to foster a close bond between them. DH is insistent that we have at least 2 more children (which is fine by me!). I am the oldest of three girls and I love having my sisters. As we have gotten older, we have become very close. My sister Melanie is 3 years younger than me and we are super tight. We speak to each other almost every day on the phone and chat on-line every day. My other sister is 8 years younger and is soon to be 21. She is in college and we don't have much in common right now. I think as she gets older and more mature, we will have a closer relationship.

My parents used to tell me that when they are gone, my sisters will be the only people in the world that I can count on being there for me (this was when I was growing up. I know I can count on my DH). When my sister Melanie and I would fight and not speak, they would give us time to work it out and if we didn't work it out, they would help us do that. It was very important to them that we remain tight knit. I am not sure if it is a cultural thing but some of my friends who are also the same ethnicity as me have a similar family dynamic and relationships with their siblings.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if Matthew were to be a singleton. I don't know if fertility treatments are going to work for me a second time. What if we decide not to adopt? I would never want to deny him the chance to have such a special relationship. I couldn't even imagine life without my sister Melanie or Meredith for that matter. They truly are there for me when I need someone and I do enjoy spending time with them, etc.. I know that if something were to happen to Patrick and I that Melanie would raise Matthew right.

Anyway, I know that was a long rant...sorry...

[Rachels]

There's no right answer to this-- only children can be perfectly happy, or very lonely, and kids with siblings can be very close or totally estranged. You have to honor what feels right to you. I will disagree with your DH, though, when he asserts that you have to divide your love between children if you have more than one. Your capacity for love is not finite in that way.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/2/character39.gif

"We have a secret in our culture...it's not that birth is painful, it's that women are strong!!" - Laura Stavoe Harm

[Judegirl]

This is perhaps a litle somber, but I can tell you why we plan to have more than one child: when my mother died (single-parent family), I was profoundly grateful that I had a brother. Similarly, when my daughter was born, I was glad that I was not an only child; that there is someone else who can see what (and who) I see in her is important to me.

Dh's family is large, and not without its problems, but my position is this: regardless of how close they are while growing up, significant family events, both happy and sad, are more meaningful when there are others who understand your family from the inside. Even the closest friends can't really do that.

Good luck in your decision!

Jude

[Marisa6826]

I thought long and hard about this very topic while trying to conceive Sophie's sister. I was honestly OK with her being an only if that is what we were given. However, Jonathan was very adamant about giving her a sibling. His brothers are 7 and 10 years older than him, so he was essentially raised by himself - an only by default.

I have a brother 2y10m younger than me. We fought like animals growing up, but I can honestly say that he is now one of my best friends. My Grandfather used to tell us that we had to be nice to one another because, in the end, we only have each other. I can now understand what he meant. Patrick and I are the only two souls on this earth that experienced the same upbringing surrounded by the same people. That is quite a thing to share, and it is a very strong bond.

Ultimately, I think that you need to get to the bottom of why your husband is so against having another child. Is it the expense? Hassle of a toddler and a newborn? Perceived diversion of attention from Madeline?

I was really worried about how I could possibly love another child the way I love Sophie. One of the women here put it most eloquently. It's like using one candle to light another. The first one doesn't get any dimmer.

Good luck in your decision

hugs

-m

[Jeanne]

Well it is a very personal decision and the best answer is what is right for you. It's true that it's almost entirely dependent on how you are raised. I have friends that come from large families who couldn't be bothered with each other. But for the most part, most people that I know have come from families that have fostered good relationships between siblings. And those families, including my own and DH's are very close. We genuinely enjoy each other and it's so great to see our children grow up together.

And while you do have to distribute your time, you don't distribute your love. And what they don't get from you, they get from each other in the way of attention while the parents are cooking, doing chores, etc... My girls don't appear to be lacking for attention from us. There is always one of us with each one so that isn't a factor. We also make time to do things one-on-one.

For us, we didn't want to leave Charlotte alone in the world. We hope, and will do everything possible to foster a good relationship between the girls. They play great together now and we are careful to watch and talk to them about caring for each other. Of course most of the talkig is done with the oldest right now, but we intend to repeat those lessons thoughout their lives.

And while I have several friends that would do anything for me, it's not the same as having a sibling. I have one and my DH has six! If your family bond is strong, you will be a priority in their lives, always. Friends can't always put you first simply because they have families of their own to deal with.

[amazz]

As an only child myself, I will have more than one child. I was loved by my parents, but they both worked outside the home so I had to learn how to be independent at a very early age. As a result I have always been independent and that has sometimes been a detriment(sp?) to my relationships with others. I also see the way siblings interact and really miss that bond (if it is possible to miss something you have never had).

BUT, that being said, I know lots of only children who are great people and know lots of siblings who are not. SO as other people have said, the decision is ultimately yours. I think you have to decide that you are going to raise a happy, well-adjusted child whether or not she ever has siblings (which I'm sure you already have).


Angela
EDD 10/15/04

[boys2enough]

Hi, sometimes I feel guilty about not giving enough attention to my 6 yo ever since the arrival of his younger brother, and on very rare occassions when I was totally worn down by this very demanding #2, I thought to myself, "Why did I want a second child?"

I grew up like an only child because both my older brothers are 10+ years older than I am. Naturally we did not have a lot of interactions. As we grow older though, I appreciate having my brothers more. They are the only other people who know exactly what it was like growing up in our family and being brought up by our parents. We are able to share family jokes, lores and and "secrets." We are also able to trade the "look" when our parents do or say the things that they do. The very very few times they got to spend time with my children, they were loving and generous uncles. I could almost see in their eyes the wonder of "Wow, I can't believe that snutty-nosed bratty girl now has her own children!"

My Dh feels the same way towards his younger brother. They are 4 years apart, so not as close as some other siblings. But as adults, they get along now much better. I love seeing the two of them reminiscing their childhood. It's as though they are able to help each other go back in time just by talking and remembering. Of course, this also reverts them back to "children," lol. "Mommm, so-and-so hit me!!!!" is often heard when the 2 of them get together.

As parents, we are not going to be with our children forever. But their siblings will be with them much longer. Personally, I really believe in the strong ties of family and the saying "blood is thicker than water." We want them to have each other when we can no longer be there for them. This is the reason why we decided to have one more child.

HTH.

Cheers, Lin
Mom to 2 wild boys
D 3/98
G 11/02

http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/kao/otn/pnoodles.gif

[mamahill]

Why have more than one child? A while ago I was freaking out (I do this every now and then) at the prospect of how I would love a second child (talk about jumping the gun - not even pg yet). My sister Allison is 3 years younger than me, and while we had our moments, she is one of my best friends. When I shared my worries with DH, he said, "Did you ever feel less loved because you had siblings?" No. Actually, vacations, outings, holidays, etc., seemed more fun with more people to share it with. And then he asked me something that continues to echo in me, "Then don't you think Ainsleigh deserves her own Allison?" Hoo-eee, that was enough to make me ovulate right then and there.

But with your daughter only 6 months old, I can understand the hesitation to commit right now. Ainsleigh was a year old before I would admit she'd have a sibling someday.

[wagner36]

Well, this is also a little somber, but in a different way than Jude's post.

We always thought that we'd have two children (at least naturally - maybe we'd adopt after that). DH came from a family of two, and I come from a family with 3.

Well, now DH's sister is seriously ill - she's 33, a newlywed, active and in great shape, and has been diagnosed with a very rare (1 in 2 million people) and aggressive form of cancer (she was diagnosed at x-mas and given about 8 months). DH is having a really incredibly hard time, and I think that he is already feeling incredibly lonely - and he feels a lot of pressure related to taking care of his parents already.

So, he told me the other day that now he wants 3 kids, so that (hopefully) no one ever has to feel the loneliness he feels now....heart-breaking...

So, I know that we're dealing with small chances here, but for us, 3 is better than 2, I think. I definitely wouldn't want Charlie to go through the same feelings that DH is having now, with no one to share his grief with....

[starrynight]

I think friends are great but they will never compare to a sibling. When you are going through family crap they are too ya know? I love my brother dearly, I get along so-so with my sister. It's nice for my kids to have aunts and uncles and cousins. I like knowing that if something bad happens I have someone to lean on in my siblings.

I didn't want any of my kids to have to bear the burden of being alone and making arrangements for when my and dh's time is up on earth. And it's sometimes more work and sometimes more tiring than one child but other times it's easier because they have a playmate and sometimes occupy each other so you can have 4 seconds by yourself or to get something done. I was lucky that my dh wanted at least 2 he wasn't sure he really wanted more than that but whatever happened happened and we have 3 :). I always wanted between 2-4 kids. 3 seemed like a good number to stop at, I like knowing they have each other to play with and also if 2 of them are fighting then they still have another sibling to play with :).

[MartiesMom2B]

Until I read your post, I didn't think having a sibling was that big of a deal. I have a brother, but I'm almost 8 years older than him so we aren't close. I am close to my older cousin because we were raised together. I don't think that you can predict if your children are going to be friends or not or if they get along. However I wouldn't want to deprive my grandchildren of the fun of aunts and uncles. I can't imagine going through life without my aunts, uncles, and cousins. It's soooo much fun. In fact I'm so close with my cousins, that they are the honory Uncles and Aunts of my child.

Sonia http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/character/1/character03.gif
Proud Mommy to Martie

[lizajane]

i feel so strongly (for my family) about having more than one child that reading these posts almost brings tears to my eyes. there is no way to compare a friend to a sister or brother. i have one of each. a babysitter told me when i was a small child that one day my sister would be my best friend. my mom repeats that quotation over and over again. she has a best friend and i have a best friend. but they haven't always been the same, meaning our best friends have changed. but she and i have never changed. we are constant. we will ALWAYS be sisters.

i can't imagine going on a vacation with ONLY my mom and dad!! the thought is so awful to me! silly, i know. my brother did it all the time. he is 10 years younger than me and 12.5 younger than my sister. he is a little bit like an only child so he is different from she and i. but, at the risk of sounding like i am boasting, he is CRAZY about us. the way he treats us. the way he talks to us. the way he talks to his brother in laws. he is 19 and a bit into "his own thing" but every so often, he will call me to talk about a girlfriend heartbreak or a big accomplishment. and i know it is because he needed ME. he needed a sister. not a friend. not a parent. he needed someone older, but still on the same level.

my sister's best friend has breast cancer. this friend is her "other sister." i feel so afraid that she will lose her and i am terrified about how i will fill the void. i feel that it will be my duty to take over her roll. i can't do that. i could never replace her friend. but much worse is the idea that she could lose that friend and NOT have me waiting in the wings. and typing those words does bring tears to my eyes.

on a lighter note, a friend once said that he didn't need another child because "how could they ever love anyone the way that they love maya." but ya know, i was there when they got their dog. (before their daughter came.) and i would bet that he thought the same thing about a DOG. and then this baby shows up and steals his heart. to me, i think, "i GET to love someone else as much as i love my son. i GET to feel this way again. i GET to love a whole new person the same way i love my child and i love my husband." i have plenty of room in my heart for another child. and i know schuyler has plenty of room in his heart to love a sister or brother. i even still love my dogs. :)

[Sarah1]

This is how I feel: I want a sibling for Audrey more than I want another child for myself. Although DH and I are not ready for life with another newborn just yet, I know in my heart that I would feel more fulfilled knowing Audrey had a brother or sister. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, and I'll be at peace with that, too, but I want Audrey to have the opportunity to be a sister to someone.

[llcoddington]

DH and I feel the same way as your husband. We have friends who lost one of their two sons. I think it has been especially hard for the son to handle being an only child. (He's a teenager and the parents will not be having more kids.)

We would love to have 4 or 5 kids. DH and I both have three siblings and four seems to be a pretty good number!

I say that now...I can barely handle one!

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[llcoddington]

EEK! Double post.

Lana
mommy to Lauren 12/5/03

[american_mama]

I have a cousin in exactly the same situation as you... she and her husband were only children, so no siblings or cousins, plus my cousin's father left them when she was a baby, so she has only one parent. My cousin had two children in part to make sure their oldest child had a sibling and thus a larger family.

I have no idea what to say to you or your husband except to say that if your baby is only 6 months old, it's no surprise that your husband is gun shy about a second. His reasons may be more deep seated than just timing, but I have always wanted multiple children, yet felt completely uninterested in the idea for over 1 1/2 years after my daughter's birth. I even started to think having just one child, or two children many years apart, would be fine. But I did change, for my own reasons, and am expecting our second in November. My point is just to say that the first year after the birth of a first child is a particularly difficult time to make a decision about future children.

[Melanie]

My experience as an only is the same is yours and that is why we will have two and possibly adopt more someday.

[khakismom]

This is such a personal decision, who am I to say one way is right and another is wrong? Or that one way is better?

But I do know that for me, my heart is so filled when I see my girls interact with each other. They truly love each other and now Ellen is starting to imitate her sister. I had tears in my eyes when I told Kathleen that Ellen would probably spend her whole life trying to imitate her and following her lead. It's just an amazing thing, the bond between siblings.

I have only 1 sibling, my brother, and I always wanted more.

[Melanie]

" I had to learn how to be independent at a very early age. As a result I have always been independent and that has sometimes been a detriment(sp?) to my relationships with others. "

This is SO me! I would rather go somewhere alone than with a group of people. I feel like such an oddball for being this way.

[ddmarsh]

Have you ever had the experience of trying to explain to someone without children what it's like to have one? I think trying to explain to you what it is like to have more than one child is similar. Sure there are the tangible aspects such as having a playmate and someone to talk to when you are gone. To me, however, the intangibles are virtually indescribable and I don't think I could possibly convey its beauty to you. I'm sure your child would be fine without siblings but I also think that having siblings creates a world that they cannot otherwise know and creates feelings in you not otherwise known.

Good luck with your decision -

[lizajane]

debbie-
i really liked your response. what a nice way to say it.
:)

[papal]

I echo what so many others have already said. I have a sister that is a year older than me.. we are so close.. it is so great to have someone who really knows you so well.. i doubt if my parents know me as well as my sister.. we shared so many things growing up.. not so much secrets and stuff like that but what i mean is, we shared the same life.. she knows exactly what i am talking about when i remember something back in the day and if i forget, she is there to remind me.. it is like we have our own language and code words and what not! It is very hard to explain this bond... my deepest wish is that Leela has a sister one day too... yes, my sister and me fought like cats and dogs and sometimes drove my mom and dad crazy.. but it was so much FUN having a buddy even in the middle of the night. And i will tell you this. My sister is my fiercest supporter... she will go to any length to see that no harm comes to me (i think older sisters have this protective instinct), even to this day.
Anyway, i am just tearing up thinking about this.. it is an inexplicable bond... i don't think it can be recreated in the same way by a close friend. I have many close friends that I grew up with and I love them dearly but the love i have for my sister is at a much different and deeper level.

[cdmamatutu]

I agree that there is an indescribable bond between siblings. As an older sister, I can't think of anything I wouldn't sacrifice for my brother or sister. It kills me that we are all several hours apart geographically, but I know that if anything happened to one of us, we would all drop everything to go be there in an instant.

Friends come and go, but a sibling is always there. The ties that bind you together are spiritual, I think. I was surprised at the reaction from my 2 year old son when we brought his sister home from the hospital: not a hint of jealousy, as if she just belonged. The love they have for each other is so tender and sweet...it's worth more than anything to me.

Socially, I can't think of a better way to ensure that a child will learn how to interact with others. When you live with someone 24 hours a day, you have to learn how to give and take. Not that an only child can't be well-adjusted...I just think a having a sibling provides more learning opportunities. :)

BTW, I never felt that I was loved less than either of my siblings. And I think that I am a better mother for having had siblings. I have a huge appreciation for my mom, who had 3 kids in 3 years. :)

[hjdong]

I'm going to be the oddball here I guess in that I don't think having siblings is that important. Starting off with a disclaimer that my parents were just bad parents in a variety of ways, but I have a multitude of siblings (6 between half, step, whole) and am only close to my one sister (of all my family). The sister I am close to feels very strongly that my mom was never and will never be able to love any of the kids as much as she loves her firstborn (neither of us). I disagree with her on the why, but will definately agree that the firstborn is the favorite and most loved. Both my sister and I currently plan on only one child.

My husband has 4 brothers and also is fine with one child. He is definately closer to his family than I am to mine (I'm closer to his family than I am to mine - with the exception of my sister), but we don't live close to them and we see them maybe once or twice a year. They're just not that close.

For us, our friends that we see on a daily basis and who are here to see our son raised are enough. So, we imagine that for our son, if he has no siblings, he will find friends that are also enough.

We've discussed another and are feelings go something like this: there are pros and cons to Jamie having a sibling/us having another child and for us, they're about even. If we have another child, it will be because we have the same emotional need to have a child that we did with Jamie. It won't be because of a logical reason - purely an emotional choice. Kind of a strange thing, considering that we both consider ourselves very logical usually.

[mamaturk]

I can't tell you one way or the other... but I can tell you how amazing it is to have siblings!!! I have 2 sisters and the bond that we share is so strong!! Up until 2 months ago the three of us lived within 5 minutes of eachother. Unfortunately, my one sister ended up moving to Virginia (we live in NY)! It is the hardest thing ever... we do talk every day and are on-line together a lot, but it's just not the same when my one sis and i are together... it feels like something is always missing!! I could not imagine growing up without my sisters.... they truly are my BEST FRIENDS!!

[pritchettzoo]

to me, i think, "i GET to love someone else as much as i love my son. i GET to feel this way again. i GET to love a whole new person the same way i love my child and i love my husband." i have plenty of room in my heart for another child.

That's such a great way of putting it, Liza!

I'm an only child myself and it was incredibly lonely. I still feel awkward around other people (maybe I would have been a freak with siblings too, but I'll never know!). Up until I had Gracie (and for many weeks thereafter ;) ), I really didn't see a need for more children. I figured we'd have more because DH really wanted two or three, but it wasn't necessarily at my behest. Now, I want at least two.

Anna

[C99]

>always wanted a sibling to play with and confide in. Having
>not had a sibling, I know that my idea of a sibling is a bit
>romanticised and not all brothers and sisters get along. But,
>I can't help feel that even if they don't get along that there
>must be some comfort knowing that there is someone out there
>that shares the same or similar history .

Your idea is romanticized. But I agree with your premise. Half the time, I think siblings are really just there so that you have someone to talk to when your parents die. But then I also think of all of the times that we've all talked about how crazy my parents are, or shared silly stories of something one of us did and how we remember it (and it's usually a different version from each person), or compared notes on our parents' idiosyncracies. I like that now, although when I was growing up, I didn't get along with my siblings. Perhaps because there is a huge age difference between us. (My mom jokes that she's raised 3 "only" children, which is somewhat correct, personality-wise, for us.)

>DH says that Madeline doesn't need a sib. because she can
>have lots of close friends. But, I don't think that close
>friendships can replace the closeness that is shared among
>family members. Can it?

I agree with you. You can have really close friends, but they are still just friends. I don't think close friends can replace family members, unless your close friends also do not have family or siblings. I've been friends with my best friend since we were 4, but even knowing her for 26 years, I still don't know her or will be as close with her as she is with her sister, who has known her for 28 years. Even though my friend and I have more similar experiences and are closer geographically than she does with her sister. Now that I am an adult, I really envy women with a sister (and to a lesser extent, a brother) who was close in age.

My husband and I always said that we wanted more than one child and would not have an only child. For all of the reasons above and more. So we've committed to having more than 1 when we committed to having 1. Sometimes I think that I don't want to start the whole process of sleep deprivation all over again. But most of the time, I can't imagine not having another child or having Nate not know what it's like to have a sibling.

[californiagirl]

I'm an only child who loved it, and both my parents were only children as well. My mother died when I was 20, and my father's second partner died recently as well. My father's second partner was one of three kids, and had two children of his own. Who took care of him when he was dying? My father and I, and not because his family didn't love him. Because one of his brothers is schizophrenic, and the other one lives across the country, and his two kids had busy lives of their own. Who helped us? Our friends did, over and over again. Who took care of my father when he was critically ill and I needed to leave the country (to ensure that DH could be in the US for the birth of our child)? Our friends did. One of them gave up her Thanksgiving with her biological family to fly to my father's side, lie to the hospital about being a relative so they'd let her into intensive care, and eat hospital turkey for Thanksgiving. And she loves her family, too. (Who was her sister's maid of honor, despite the fact that there are three sisters in that family too, because neither of the biological sisters could go? I was.)

Biological families aren't the only families in the world. It can be harder to build an extended family without getting it automatically, but it's not the only solution.