am I depressed?

[cilantromapuche]

I am so tired all the time and I find myself taking it out on DH. DS is so energetic (just ordered "your spirited child") and difficult at times. I am going back to work because I got DS enrolled in a great daycare and think they can do better than I can. I didn't plan to go back to work but after taking a year off I found that I couldn't stand the thought of staying home.
I do things (like walk every other day) with other moms but I feel that I put on a brave face and don't want to bring it up (because they don't seem to have problems).
DH is away a lot and is away for 4 weeks at the moment; but this has been going on since before he left.
I need to go see my Dr. for drugs and call a psychologist but am chicken.
I do feel like crying a lot but I chalk that up to DS's non-sleeping habits and sleep deprivation.

[rrosen]

It can never hurt to talk to someone about it. If you are feeling like you may be depressed you should listen to your self.

Sleep deprivation and running after a busy child can certainly wear you out. Adjusting to a new life "at home" is difficult too. And your dh is away for an extended period of time too! You may or may not find that you need medication to help you feel better but, keeping an open mind is a good plan.

It sounds like you are doing some proactive things to help yourself, like deciding to go back to work because that choice is better for YOU. Knowing yourself that way is great.

Take care of yourself, I think you are on the right track looking for help. I hope you feel more energetic and happy soon!

[lizajane]

i am so sorry that you are feeling bad. to be honest, if my dh left for 4 weeks, i would completely fall apart and have to be taken away. there is NO WAY i could handle it. i am NOT that strong. so first, give yourself some credit. that would be very hard on anyone.

i think seeing your dr is a great idea. she/he can give you a better idea of what is really going on. maybe some drugs would help, or maybe you really just need to talk it out. but either way, drag yourself to see someone. and please talk to your mom-friends! you never know, there might be someone else feeling the same way. it is SO hard to start talking, but it will be a lot easier once you start. and keep talking to us. we are always here!

i had a really hard spring, myself. i think having a one year old is hard on most moms in some way. dh isn't a mom, so he doesn't "get it" even though he does his best to help. my friends help A LOT. they all showed up at my house today with lunch!!! (thanks to sonia, martiesmom2B!!!) they really might WANT to help. you won't know until you ask.

hang in there. :)

[cilantromapuche]

I think tht part of it is that
1) staying home is a lot harder than I thought
2) my fear that it doesn't come naturally is confirmed. I feel like such a bad mother because I don't talk to my child all the time. I hear people interact with their children and I think "Oh, that's what I should say"
I wonder if listening to NPR counts?

My DH is upset because the plan was that we would have kids close together and I would stay home and he is very disappointed that I am going back to work and that I don't want another child soon (eventually)

Chris, mama to Abe (7/2/03)

[jec2]

Please don't be chicken about talking to somebody. Also, maybe think about bringing somebody into the house a couple of hours/week. The daycare might be a very great break that you might need to have. Gettting a break from being the primary caretaker is indeed important. i know the times when my DH works a lot I am a very tired and a bit crazy myself (resentful, depressed, frustrated, exhausted). I know how hard it is to feel like your friends have it easier, but I imagine some of them have their issues too.

I belong to a mommy group and each week (although we don't do it much anymore) we would start with sharing our "highs" and "lows" for the week. It was great to hear other mommy's who look so put-together complain that they were up all night, or feel guilty about X, or fought with DH becuase of Y. We all listened and then sometimes could totally relate and share how we coped with that particular issue. It was so cathartic. Maybe you could start to do this w/your friends too.

I hope that you feel better soon. You are a fabulous mom and ya know, it's tiring having to be so fabulous all the time :)

[Kieransmom]

I think the ladies are right. It's always a good idea to talk to someone. Being a stay at home mom is very hard because it's somewhat isolating. For me it doesn't matter how many times I go to playgroup or Gymboree I still feel lonely. I was a very social person at work and I miss the everyday contact with various people. Plus chasing after a toddler all day is enough to drive anyone over the edge. Doing it alone without DH leaves you without a break. When he gets home see if he will take your child for a while while you have some Mommy time. It's well deserved.
Chin up!

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03

[barbarhow]

Chris-I encourage you to go and talk to someone. You don't sound chicken to me. You brought it up here. That takes alot of courage. I am so glad that you did. The fact that you know that things don't feel right is such a huge thing. Now you just need some help. Talk to your PCP. He can start you on some antidepressants if needed. I also encourage you to get some individual counseling. The combination of the two I think is preferable.
Please feel free to email me. I am a psych nurse practitioner-so I can and would be happy to help anyway I can. This is short because I have to get Jack to bed- my email is [email protected]
Barbara-mom to Jack 3/27/03

[lizajane]

i think i am a great mother and i don't talk to my child all the time!!!! please talk to your friends. i bet they don't talk to their kids all the time. and i don't even listen to NPR. i listen to crap radio. i watch crap TV, sometimes when schuyler is in the room. you are not a bad mom!!!! you are a tired, overwhelmed mom. and if going to work is right for you, then do it and be proud to be a mom AND an "x." staying at home is HARD HARD HARD and it is what i have ALWAYS wanted and what i STILL want and i am having another baby right away. and i still think it is hard hard hard. please give yourself a break! i am sure you are a good mom. you just need some buddies to tell you more often that you are!

[stella]

I think that the one year-olds are SO hard! Both of my children were such good, easy babies and TOUGH 12-18 monthers. My three year-old is a delight and my 20 month-old is getting there. So just know that you're totally normal.

But that doesn't mean that you're not depressed. You might ask for an anti-depressant. I have taken them for a time and I really did feel a lot more able to cope as a result.

I have recently gone back to work, and although, philosophically I felt like I was abdicating my role as a parent and feel a little guilty, I am really enjoying the adult contact, using my brain, and handling important issues. And I am so happy to see my babies and I play with them nonstop between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. when they go to bed. I am much nicer to everyone this way. It has also made my husband step up and take a more active role in caring for them. He no longer can fall back on that old "you're there all day (doing nothing is implied), why can't you handle every single little household chore or issue that arises?" and that is a LOT for one mama to take on. Especially when she gets no break for 4 weeks at a time!

I do not mean to imply that being home is not important - I have been home for three years, but it is HARD and being back at work is a break. So get back to work and take this time to do something for you. Your child will grow out of this difficult stage, and you will appreciate him when you do have him.

I am sorry you are feeling so low, but in all honesty, it's really, really hard work that you've been doing. Husbands who work outside the home don't get it. How could they? So do what's best for YOU for a while. You'll be a better mommy if you get some relief - whether it's drug-induced or just by being away from him to work.

Hang in there, hon - it's going to get better!

[cilantromapuche]

thanks everyone. i took my shrink in resience (the dog) for a walk and was able to think a bit more clearly. there is a lot of changes (moving to a new house, etc.) and the brunt of keeping our house picked up to show is all on me and with a one year old it is quite difficult.
i appreciate the encouragement so much! i also did a bit of retail therapy and put in a huge order from amazon and some other toys for abe.
you are all so great!!!
chris & abe

[hez]

Glad you're feeling better. Don't hesitate to make the call to go in and talk to your doc if you feel you might need it, though. I was amazed at how many people have needed to do that when I went through my own experience a few years ago. Just keep an eye on yourself for the next few weeks. Ups and downs are normal. Extended downs could probably use some looking at.

Oh-- and take full advantage of getting out this summer. Sunshine always seems to make things better :)

[JacksMommy]

Hey there, I'm not sure if you're still reading this thread, but I wanted to respond with a few points. No 1: Not all of us are cut out to be SAHMs! That is not a personal failing, just a matter of what is right for you and your family. I have always though I wanted to stay home but it's not feasbile for us right now and sometimes I wonder if I would really like it if I was staying home.

No 2: From what you describe, I don't know that you sound depressed, per se. Sleep deprivation, anxiety and stress can cause all of the symptoms you are talking about. That being said, support is always a good thing so seeing a counselor (we're not ogres, I swear!:)) or finding a support group or a group of friends where people complain sometime is crucial to not feeling alone or like you are the world's worst mom. I, too, have issues with not being a huge sportscaster with my son (meaning the constant chatter) it just doesn't come naturally to me. There are different ways of being a good parent - no one way rules!

Anyways, glad you are feeling better and remember, you can always find a sympathetic ear on the boards!

Laurel
Working Mama to Jack, 6/4/02
EDD #2 12/25/02

[Vajrastorm]

Four weeks alone with a spirited child? You deserve a medal and then some.

I don't know if everyone would make it out alive if I had to spend 4 weeks alone with my dd.

Don't beat yourself up. The others have given you wonderful advice. I just wanted to chime in and say that mothers of spirited kids can't compare themselves to other moms - it will drive you crazy. I do wish I loved motherhood in the way that some do - but motherhood in my home is exhausting and crazy-making. The rewards are worth it (although *cough* two days ago I did ask my dh if we could send her back to the birth center }( )

Be proud for being such a great mama! And go back to work without guilt if thats what you need.

[amp]

Awww, sweetie, I have to say that you are NOT a bad mom and you are certainly not alone in feeling like you are completely overwhelmed. That's not to say that you shouldn't seek help if you need it, but I know that I felt much like this for about the first 3-4 mths and then really didn't feel like I had any kind of a handle on motherhood until DS was about 6 mths old. And I still have days like that. I expect I always will. This parenting stuff is tough! I don't remember how old your son is, but I think you are shortchanging yourself and beating yourself up for what I think are normal feelings of being overwhelmed with motherhood. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Heck, we all have days where we barely talk to our kids cuz we just don't have it in us! And you are parenting by yourself right now. helloooo! That is really tough! I can tell you that coming here everyday has helped to keep me sane. I realized that I am not the only one who has trouble. I'm not the only one who makes mistakes. And I am certainly luckier and more blessed than some of the people here who have been dealt some really tragic stuff. So, no advice really. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and that you can get a lot support here. Best of luck to you! And I hope we hear more from you as you cope with new parenthood.

[chlobo]

I know exactly how you feel. My DD was a very spirited baby, wait, she still is. I was tired, felt clueless all the time and was down.

I defnitely encourage you to find a counselor to talk to. Don't *just* go to your PCP who might refer you to a person who will prescribe drugs without therapy. You may not need drugs. You just might need someone to talk it all out with who can help you see the forest for the trees. I had thought I was depressed (or getting there) b/c DD didn't behave like any of the books said she *should* (still doesn't) and I was getting no sleep. I saw a counselor and felt worlds better.

And it sounds like you are a great mother to me. You sound very caring and concerned, which means you are a thoughtful parent and doing the best for your child. There are lots of people out there who parent without giving a second thought to whether they are doing a good job or not.

[cilantromapuche]

Reading my post makes me laugh because that was before a huge tree fell and hit our house (the one that we are currently in and that is on the market) and water flooded our other one (the one that is being painted and floors refinished).
We have had so much rain in NY that I think that summer won't even come.
I am sleep deprived and wonder what it felt like to be rested.
Seriously, after this week I can laugh at myself more and am trying to just enjoy Abe. I found out that he got into the daycare that I he had been waiting for a year and some. So that is a huge weight off my mind (and was a big stress).
I would see a psych (I did see one after my mother died and it was very helpful) but it is so hectic that even if I wanted to I don't think I have the time.
THanks so much for your advice and support.
Chris & Abe

[stella]

Hey! You're talking to someone who is spending the weekend alone with two toddlers and no water in the house - or AC (in Texas in July)because one of the broken pipes (the cold water pipe) is under the AC unit. The hot water pipe that burst is out in the yard. This is two days after the plumbers decided that our reduced water pressure and lack of hot water was because the hot water heater is bad and replaced it.

And my dh is out of town. And this all came down after 5 p.m. on Friday. Thank God for one of our friends who is acquainted with a handyman who has now spent 7 hours digging in the dirt replacing pipes. These things NEVER happen to me on weekdays.

So sorry about the new disasters striking your homes. That will teach you to comlain in public! It's like saying "how could it get any worse?"

I guess we'll live through it. At least it takes your mind off your mental state. There's nothing like a new disaster to change your focus! Hang in there!

[tippy]

Hi Chris,

Where in NY are you? I am in lower Westchester. Maybe a nice cup of Joe at Starbucks with a fellow bbb would be a help. Let me know!
:-)

[Kieransmom]

LOL...I too have found Retail Therapy to work well. That and my cats. :-)

Michelle
Mommy to Kieran, born 5/9/03